CHAPTER [9]
CAROLYN’S “PAINTED PICTURE”
Carolyn arrives at my office a couple hours after Adam’s appointment ends. (I always stagger appointments to avoid accidental meetings in the lobby or on the street out front.)
As with Adam, I introduce Carolyn to the concept of the painted picture conversation and explain how fundamental it is to the rest of The Fairway Process.
“Have you had a chance to think about what the future might look like for you and the kids?” I ask her.
“I certainly have,” she beams. “In fact, I’ve written it all down. I’m very clear on what I want.”
I smile, impressed by her focus and enthusiasm and rather awed (though hardly surprised) by the differing attitudes of Carolyn and Adam.
“That’s great,” I say. “Some people are very clear about their futures, while others have given it scarcely a thought. Please tell me about your thoughts and your wishes.”
She pulls some paper-clipped sheets out of her handbag and places them on her lap. Then she looks at me seriously.
“Before we start, Karen, I want to set the record straight about a few matters—things I couldn’t really discuss last time when Adam was here.”
“Okay,” I say. “Shoot.”
“Frankly, life with Adam was hell. He was verbally abusive and emotionally bankrupt. He can pretend all he wants that we had a good marriage, but it was awful. Just awful. It’s been at least six months since we last had sex, and for years before that, I was lucky if it was once a month.
“I really had to bite my tongue the first time we met. I just need you to know I’m not the villain here.”
I listen patiently while Carolyn lambastes her ex, knowing it’s a necessary part of almost every client’s emotional process. It’s important to divorcing individuals to tell their version of events. I don’t let it go on too long, but I let it go on long enough that each person feels that he or she has been heard.
Carolyn continues. “Yes, I stepped out of the marriage, but who wouldn’t have? All I wanted was a little of Adam’s time and affection, but I got none of it, so what right does he have to be mad that I went and found it elsewhere? When a younger, more attractive man started paying attention to me, what else was I supposed to do? If only Adam had given me a little more attention, we probably wouldn’t be here.”
“Those doggone If onlys,” I reply. “They can really trip us up and keep us dwelling on the past. Why don’t we shift the focus now and start talking about your future? Tell me what you see for yourself in the coming years.”
“Well, I definitely plan to continue with my business. It’s so rewarding in so many ways. That said, it’s really just a hobby, so I’m going to need lots of alimony and child support.”
“It’s actually called spousal support now,” I inform her. “But it’s the same thing.”
“I also want to share the cottage. I know he thinks it’s his, but I’ve put a lot of time and effort into it. Money too. We used money from my business to renovate the entire thing—almost $75,000. If it weren’t for me, that beautiful cottage would be a broken-down shack.
“And I want my house. I am not moving. But Adam better be. I really need him out of the house. He’s not giving me any space. He just seems to hang around all the time. One minute he says that he wants to get it over with and the next he’s groveling for a reconciliation.”
As is the case with many of the clients I’ve worked with, the Cunninghams have some real issues regarding boundaries. One of my first steps is to help divorcing couples establish boundaries by laying down some ground rules.
[KEY INSIGHTS]
Knowing exactly where you end and others begin—and then honoring those boundaries—is essential for a positive transition through your divorce.
Tripping into divorce without clear, firm boundaries is like starting a business without a business plan: Failure and financial ruin are just a matter of time. Clear boundaries give you a reference point, something to focus on and swim toward when the waters get turbulent, and something to cling to when the swirling undercurrent of emotional chaos threatens to pull you under and sweep you away to oblivion.
In short, clear and healthy boundaries allow you to deal with otherwise overwhelming situations, trusting always that intuition will be your guide. Recognizing your own role and accepting the limitations of your influence can foster a peaceful transition through divorce.
“What about your tennis pro?” I ask. The question catches Carolyn off guard.
“Timmy? What about him?”
“Is he a part of your painted picture?” I ask the question without any hint of judgment.
“Oh, no,” Carolyn laughs. “We still get together, but the kids know nothing about him, and I’m certainly planning to keep it that way.”
“Tell me about the kids then. How do they fit into your painted picture?”
“I know Adam is demanding a 50-percent share of the kids, but I’m not comfortable with that. They’re used to having me around, and Adam doesn’t really have the time anyway. I mean, he travels all the time. I think the kids sometimes go weeks without seeing him. He acts like it’ll be such a big loss for him, but he’s honestly never around.”
“So you envision that you’ll have the kids most the time?”
“Definitely. And as far as the kids’ daily routines go, well, I don’t see why anything needs to change. They have expensive lives, what with private school tuitions and so many after-school activities, but Adam can afford to keep paying for those.”
“You and Adam have differing views about the children, but that’s something we’ll work out later on in The Fairway Process. For now, you needn’t worry about the matter. I promise we’ll negotiate a resolution that works for both of you.
“The good news, though, is that you and Adam are both looking for many of the same things. If I recall correctly from our first meeting together, you want to remain civil to each other, and you want a co-parenting relationship that works for everyone and puts the kids first.
“You want to minimize financial loss and move through the process as quickly as possible.
“You both want to feel you were treated fairly through the process, and you want a sense of security moving forward.
“Although you may have different ideas about how certain goals might be achieved, your visions for the future are similar at a high level. Indeed, this is the case for most couples we work with.
“How we help fulfill these visions for both of you is what makes The Fairway Process so extraordinary.
“You have both started to become future-focused. While the ups and downs of the emotional journey will likely cause you to fall back into old habits occasionally, you are now on a path that will get you through your divorce as quickly and painlessly as possible.”
[KEY ACTIONS]
Whether you use Fairway Divorce Solutions or you take The Fairway Process and build your own team, it’s crucial that the lead negotiator has a balance between negotiation skills, intuition, empathy, and wisdom.
I now know that good people make bad decisions. While a small percentage of our population are bent on destruction, most people are just trying to find their way in life and be happy.
Listening to the Cunninghams, I could easily have gotten caught up in the surface issues—the affair, the abuse, the neglect. I could have pegged them good guy/bad guy (the very thing lawyers do when they hear only one side of the story), but I know better. In almost all divorces, I hear words like “abuse,” “addiction,” “cheater,” “liar,” “lazy,” “workaholic.” But behind these bad labels are good people, so I read between the lines and find common ground on which to ultimately achieve a win-win resolution.
Ensure that whomever you use as lead negotiator has the wisdom to do the same. Your friends can agree with you on what a jerk or a bitch your ex is, but the person or people you’re entrusting to get you through The Fairway Process need to be unbiased and nonjudgmental.
I end my session with Carolyn as I did with Adam, instructing her to continue fleshing out the details of her painted picture.
After she leaves, I pop into the staff kitchen to discuss the Cunninghams with Lori, another one of Fairway Divorce Solutions’ senior negotiators.
Lori too went through a nasty divorce and, like me, wants to ensure that what happened to her doesn’t happen to anyone else. She and her husband now get along well, but it took many years after the animosity that was created during their legal battle.
I say to Lori, “It’s so great that couples like the Cunninghams get to avoid the legal battle you and I had to go through. They’ll simply never know how bad it could have been.”
