CHAPTER [23]

CHILDREN ARE CHILDREN (NOT PAWNS)

When parents become paralyzed or distracted by fear, their children’s lives often become subject to position bargaining.

For most parents going through divorce, “Who gets the children?” is the first concern and “Who gets the assets?” is the second.

Unfortunately, when one party plays a money card, the other party often responds by bargaining with the children.

Few divorcing parents plan, either consciously or unconsciously, for their children to become pawns in the negotiations game. But intentional or not, it happens. Often.

In fact, within the traditional system, it’s almost inevitable.

Traditional divorce tends to get so nasty and combative that if there’s any way to gain an upper hand, one of the parties will use it, even without direct intent. It’s a hardwired instinct: When you’re caught underarmed on the field of battle, you grab whatever weapon is near at hand.

In most cases, one parent will hold the balance of power on the financial end of things. This imbalance, even if it’s only slight, impels the other side to seek other means of boosting their position bargaining influence, and they may find it in the children.

Regardless of how good a parent you are and how clear you are in your value system, not getting drawn in is next to impossible. Remember, when you’re in the system, you’re under the system’s control. And once you’re there, there’s no getting out unless you and your partner both agree on it.

We come into this life with nothing, but we leave with a legacy. Our children carry our essence forward. Yet in divorce we often lose sight of this fact, and we turn our children into pawns in an unwinnable contest.

Though I wish I could say otherwise, my children became unintentional pawns in my negotiations with Tom. Warped by the fear of losing primary care of my children, my judgment became seriously compromised. From that place of fear, I made many poor decisions and gave in on far too many issues.

I honestly tried to keep them out of it. I tried to spare them from overhearing my conversations about what I thought of their dad. And I tried to appear positive. But in the end, I was far from perfect.

I messed up time and again. I felt constantly drained and I had a short fuse. I was so stressed and caught up in my own mess that I didn’t always see their needs as well as I should have. They heard a lot of things they shouldn’t have, and I behaved at times like life was over.

But I’m only human, and that’s exactly what I remind guilt-ridden parents who ask my advice. “Be good to yourself. It’s natural to yell now and then. It’s okay to lose your cool. Nobody’s perfect. Remind yourself that you’re a good person. If you’re willing to admit your mistakes, to ask your children for forgiveness, to be honest with them about where your heart and your head are at, your kids will be okay.” Positive self-talk can stop negative thinking in its tracks.

As well, make sure you talk to your children to assure them their place in your heart is secure. The dialog is easier than you might expect. “Mommy (or Daddy) is having a tough time right now. It’s not about you, and it’s certainly not because of you. It’s because of me—no one else. You need to know that I love you, that I’m working to be the best I can be for you and me. I’m truly sorry for reacting too quickly and losing my cool. Please forgive me. I promise to try not to do it again.”

That’s all it takes. Your children, in turn, will learn to accept themselves and take the good with the bad. Your honesty will be a gift.

A fair approach to divorce empowers parents to make the best decisions on behalf of their children. It begins by drawing a clear line of separation between money matters and child-related matters.