CHAPTER [24]

EMPOWERING THE CHILDREN

Everyone making decisions on behalf of you and your children (judges, lawyers, assessors) has his or her own biases, which, in the traditional system, can have devastating effects on the outcomes.

Ever the quipster, Oscar Wilde offers us an amusing take on a familiar expression: “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you place the blame.”

But when I consider this quotation in the context of the third-party assessment ordered and executed during my custody battle with Tom, Wilde’s wisecrack loses its humorous edge.

From the start of the assessment until its painfully slow conclusion, I had no idea whether I (and my children) would end up as winners or losers. And it seemed to be less about what you’ve done right as a parent and more about what you’ve done wrong—an exercise in finding blame.

The process looked something like this: A total stranger was ordered by the courts to come into our lives. This person intimidated me and my children (though I’m sure that was not the intent), asked close friends very personal questions, and then rendered a decision that would set a course for the remainder of my children’s lives.

And through it all, I felt I was being treated not like a loving, caring, capable mother but like a common criminal.

Courts will often order third-party assessments (also known as bilateral assessments) when rival parties and their lawyers cannot come to an agreement on their own.

In theory, these assessments are a good idea, for they seek to bring an aspect of objectivity to questions about child custody. However, the process has a number of significant drawbacks for the subjects of the assessments.

First, they are completely disempowering, requiring a wholehearted surrendering of control. You must place your children’s futures into the hands of the third-party assessor.

Second, the ideal of “objectivity” doesn’t stand up very well in real life. Everyone has personal biases, including the person you’re paying to evaluate your worth as a parent.

Third, the process is often very expensive, and the responsibility for payment falls squarely on the parents.

Finally, even if neither party is satisfied with the outcome, the assessor’s recommendations usually stand.

INTO ACTION

First things first.

That, for so many reasons, is the most resounding mantra of The Fairway Process.

Hundreds of people have shared with me their stories of divorce within the traditional system; and over and over, I’ve heard about the devastating consequences that follow when negotiations over the children get entangled with negotiations over the matrimonial assets.

Dealing with money and children at the same time is a recipe for disaster. And distress.

Fairway’s most important mandate—to save the children of divorce—is grounded in the non-negotiable practice of dealing completely and conclusively with all financial issues before opening up discussion on the matter of a parenting plan.

It has worked wonderfully well for hundreds of clients . . . just as it does for our fictional couple, the Cunninghams.