Something’s wrong. He’s standing there, not smiling and looking at me solemnly. I find myself rooted to the spot too.
Eventually Matthias snaps out of it and I slowly stand up. I don’t move to meet him but rather seek protection behind the table, as if it can somehow stop the imminent bad news from reaching me.
“Hi,” says Matthias, once we’re standing face to face.
He throws his arms around me and rests his forehead on mine, revealing my sense of foreboding to have been a false alarm. Or so it seems. I can’t shake the feeling that he’s different. Less enthusiastic. His heart beats in the same tempo as mine, I feel it against my chest, but his kiss is cautious, without the passion of the previous day.
“What’s wrong?” I ask quietly.
“Do you know me so well already?” He chuckles unconvincingly but keeps hold of my hand. “Let’s sit down.”
I sink into a chair. Matthias takes one right next to mine. “Firstly, I want to say that I hesitated. It was all settled but I started doubting everything because of you. But I know I have to do it. Everything’s been arranged.”
“What’s been arranged?”
“I’m going to the East.”
“What?”
“To Batavia, in the Indies. I’m going on the Delft. We sail in two days.”
No shock could have been greater. I gawk at Matthias, dumbfounded. I search his face in the vague hope that I’ve misunderstood.
“But a voyage like that could take a year,” I splutter.
“Eighteen months, because I’m not coming straight back.”
“Eighteen months! Why didn’t you tell me about this?”
He sighs, grabs my hand and strokes it. “Because I started having doubts. It isn’t hard to go away if there’s nothing keeping you at home. When I met you, everything suddenly changed. But I have to go. Not only because I want to see the other side of the world but because it’s important for business. There’s a civil war in China and it’s hindering the supply of porcelain. I don’t need to explain to you how disastrous that is for us. Adriaan has insisted I go and see if there’s a way to get the supply started again, either via another route or finding an alternative supplier for porcelain somewhere else, Japan for example. There are other merchants who want to do the same thing, so we agreed to organize a joint expedition. Do you understand?”
“Yes, but what I don’t understand is why you kept this a secret from me. No, actually, I understand it perfectly well. You wanted one more little adventure before you went to sea. And of course I fell for it.”
“No!” The grip on my hand tightens. “That isn’t how things are. I’ve told you nothing but the truth. I meant everything I said.”
We look at each other and I see my own pain mirrored in Matthias’s eyes. “I believe you,” I mutter. “But meaning something is not enough. The point is what you do about it.”
“I’ll be back in a year and a half. That’s a long time, I know, but I am coming back. And then we still have the rest of our lives.” His face is close to mine, his voice sounds rough. “I’d rather stay here, but I can’t. I’m going on this voyage for you as well, so I’ll have something to offer you. Wait for me. Will you do that?”
“You don’t deal only in porcelain. It will be a blow, but more things come from the East than just that. Be honest and admit you’re going away because you want to. I won’t take it personally, I can imagine it myself. Why would you tie yourself down when the whole world is calling to you? Perhaps I would have done the same if I’d been born a man. But I’m not a man, and the world is very different for women.” I stand up and look down at him. “So I can’t promise I’ll wait for you, Matthias. Who says another adventure won’t entice you once you’re back. It’s better for both of us to put a stop to it now.”
With these words I throw on my shawl and leave the inn before I can change my mind.
Some decisions are made with your heart, others with your head. Until now I’ve always balanced the two, giving in to my emotions in one instance and in the next, trusting to my intuition. Right from the start, an internal voice had been telling me he would break my heart; I have only myself to blame for the fact that I’m sitting here now with broken shards. Life isn’t a fairy tale, it’s a fight where dreamers get a tough comeuppance. Next thing I know I’ll find I’m pregnant again. How am I supposed to raise a child and work at the same time? I’m going to lose my job, my wonderful job which suits me so well, before I’ve even started it.
I say a silent prayer and beg God to give me another chance.
I’ll never dream again. From now on I’ll let my head rule my heart. I’ve learned my lesson.
Once I’m home, I stare out of the window for a long time at the busy canal running along Achterom. It’s a beautiful evening and there are still lots of people on the streets. Children are playing, women are standing chatting in the late sun. People cast curious glances at my window. I should go outside to say hello, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Not today.
Glad that I’ve already eaten and that the house is in order, I crawl into my box bed and close the doors.