I’d much rather stay out of Isaac and Adelaide’s way but of course I can hardly avoid going to church. It also wouldn’t be sensible to stay home, not when I’ve got so much to make up for with God. On the other hand, I see my breaking the bond with my family and giving up Matthias as a kind of penance. A new start in Delft, where I can spend my days painting, is more than I ever thought I’d have.
Meanwhile, the orders are flooding in. Evert has hired extra labor but the workload stays high. Inspiration and creativity no longer come into it. We need to deliver, and quickly.
Frans and I make drawings on paper, perforate the outlines of the design and lay them on top of the earthenware like a blueprint. We then fill in the perforations with charcoal, so the drawings become visible. After that, we only need to color in the figures. The newcomers to the workshop use our stencils, driving up productivity.
The pottery grows exponentially. Over the course of the summer, sales double and then triple.
“The Delft has reached the Cape,” says Evert one day, after work is over. “The Cape of Good Hope, the most southerly point of Africa,” he adds when I look at him blankly. He beckons me to follow and leads me to his office, where a world map has been hanging ever since Matthias’s departure. “This is the Republic, this is France and Spain. Below that is Africa. Matthias is here now.”
I stand next to him and look at the dot he’s pointing at. It’s strange to think that Matthias is so far away. We never speak about him; Evert most likely because he wants to spare my feelings and me for the self-same reason.
What is he doing at this moment? Does he ever think of me? To my annoyance, I think about him all too often, even if the feeling of missing him has grown less raw.
“Where is he going?” I ask.
Evert’s finger glides to a dot on the other half of the map. “You see how far away it is. Almost unimaginable. I wouldn’t even think of going, but it’s all he’s ever wanted.”
“Yes, he told me that.”
Evert gives me a sidelong glance. “Catrin, there’s something you need to know about Matthias.”
“And what’s that?”
“I told you a while ago not to count on him too much. Matthias has always had a problem with commitment. He loves variety. He has no interest in a settled life. I know he’s very charming, but I hate to think how many women’s hearts he’s broken.”
“He hasn’t broken my heart.”
“He nearly did. I saw the way you looked after he came in to say goodbye.”
“He asked me whether I’d wait for him.”
“Yes, I heard. And are you waiting for him?”
I stare at the map, at the dot where Matthias is now. “No. I don’t think there’s much point.” But saying those words fills me with fresh misery.
To my surprise, Evert says, “I think he meant what he said.”
“Really?”
“Matthias isn’t a liar. If he says something like that, then he’s being genuine. The problem is, he can’t keep his promises. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because he’s not made the same way as other people. He needs the freedom to do or not do whatever he wants. He’ll come back to you, but then he’ll leave you again.”
I listen to him in total silence. The tentative hope I’ve held onto despite everything is crushed. I know intuitively that Evert is right and his intentions in warning me are good. But there is something else at play too. I realize I would only have to take one step in his direction to relieve both our loneliness.
“Do you want to come to the fair?” asks Angelika, coming into the shop. She’s got her two little daughters, Katherine and Gertrude, on each hand and her swollen stomach is clearly visible under her jacket.
I’ve spoken to her a few times before and instantly felt a strong, mutual connection. That feeling comes from Quentin too, who is always full of chatter about his wife and children and about the new baby on the way.
“I hope it’s a boy this time,” he confides in me one day. “Angelika gets furious when I say that. Any child is welcome as far as she’s concerned, as long as it survives. And she’s right, of course. But I still hope we’ll have a boy.”
“I can understand that,” I say. “It’s something special for a man to have a son, just as it is for a woman to have a daughter.”
Now that Angelika is standing before me, I’m forced to think back to that conversation.
“Isn’t the fair a bit busy for you?” I ask.
Angelika shakes her head, exasperated. “You’re as bad as Quentin! He’d like me to stay at home all day. As if pregnancy is some kind of illness. A woman’s body is made to carry a child. My previous births went fine, so it will be all right this time too.”
I can’t help but agree. “I’d love to go to the fair. I’m curious to see whether they celebrate it the same way here as in my village.”
“Probably. In the end it all comes down to the same thing.” Angelika mimes knocking back a beer, and I have to laugh.
“And you two? Are you going to the fair too?” I turn to the little girls, who seem a bit embarrassed at the attention. Katherine is five, Gertrude only three, and they nod without saying anything. Standing there in their little jerkins and skirts, their caps sitting jauntily on their curls, they’re so adorable I feel a stab of longing. If he had lived, my little son would have been a year old now.
My eyes meet Angelika’s. She is watching me with a tender expression. “The time will come for you too, Catrin, I’m certain of it.”
“Are you?”
“Yes. Haven’t you seen the way Evert looks at you? And he talks about you the whole time.”
“We work closely together.”
“He even introduces you to his friends. Believe me, he never did that with Frans or Quentin.”
I burst out laughing. “No, I can’t imagine he did. But to be honest, I don’t know what to think of the situation.”
“What situation?”
“Evert’s wife who died. Everyone says I bear a resemblance to her. Is it any wonder that Evert looks at me? He’s seeing her.”
Angelika thinks for a moment. “I don’t think so,” she says finally. “Gesina has been gone for four years.”
“That isn’t long for such a terrible loss.”
“No . . .” Angelika hesitates before continuing. “The loss of his children was the hardest thing for Evert.” She gives me a searching look. “He said you were with his brother, Matthias. Is that true?”
“It wasn’t anything serious. If it had been, Matthias wouldn’t have gone away for a year and a half.”
“Some men find that all too easy to do. They think women will wait for them for centuries. Listen, I don’t want to be nosy, and you don’t have to tell me anything. I only wanted to make it clear that Evert is a completely different kind of man. And he’d be a good husband for you. Love is wonderful, but in the end you’re better off with a man who’s there for you.”