I don’t know which is worse: Matthias’s anger that I married his brother, or his anguish about Evert’s death. The shock hits him hard. He doesn’t say anything, just stares into space with a hollow expression.
I reach out to comfort him. He shrinks away from my touch. He stalks out of the office and a moment later I see him walking away up The Gheer.
Devastated, I sink onto the edge of the desk.
I expect him to come back, but it keeps getting later and later and there’s no sign of him. I walk around with Eva, who can sense my disquiet and won’t go to sleep. Once she’s finally settled, I remain standing at the window for a long time.
Around midnight, I give up hope and go to bed. I lie on my side fretting. Where is he now? Will he come back tomorrow or will he leave Delft? Surely he has to understand I had no other choice, that life went on and I simply couldn’t wait for him?
I get up early, feed Eva, open the doors of the workshop and let the men in. Once Frans has arrived and everyone is getting down to work, I give Hilly her instructions for the day, kiss Eva and walk over to the market square. I reach the Mechelen Inn and go inside.
“You’re in early.” Digna comes over with a look of concern.
“Has Matthias been in?”
“Yes, of course. He stayed here last night—but he’s gone already.”
“Did he say where he was going?”
“No. He might be with Johannes. He asked for the address of his studio.” She looks at me sympathetically. “The news you gave him wasn’t easy to hear. How did he take it?”
“Badly.” I walk out the door again.
I rush over to Voldersgracht at a trot. I push open the door to Johannes’s studio, full of hope. He’s giving instructions to an apprentice when I come in.
“Catrin! Matthias just left.” He comes over and leads me into the side room, out of the apprentices’ earshot.
“How is he?”
“He’s shocked and sad. Very sad.”
“Was he angry?”
“With you? No, he understood. He said he was the one who went away, that it’s only logical that you didn’t sit around waiting. Well, actually I said that, and he admitted that I was right. He said he wasn’t suited to committed relationships, he had nothing to offer you.”
“Where did he go?”
“To the harbor.”
I stare at Johannes and feel despair growing inside me. “After a year and a half, he’s finally back and he’s leaving again? Just like that?”
“I’m sorry.” Johannes puts his arm around me. “I’m most sorry that he’s come and thrown everything up in the air again, now that life is going a bit better for you. Let him go, Catrin. You deserve better.”
I flash him a small smile and leave. I set off in the direction of the harbor, running as fast as I can. I keep an eye out on the way, but I don’t spot Matthias anywhere. He’s nowhere to be seen in the harbor either. My eyes dart between the many boats that are moored or just leaving. Am I too late?
I inquire with all the sailors I encounter.
“Van Nulandt? Yes, he was looking for a boat to Amsterdam,” one says. “There’re enough of them headed there, so he must be on his way by now.”
I stay standing on the quayside for a long time, gazing out over the water. Finally, I turn and trudge home, filled with an emptiness that robs me of all energy and lust for life.
When I get home, he’s standing in the kitchen. Hilly is pouring him a glass of beer and he’s looking at Eva, who’s lying in her crib. One glance at my face is enough to send Hilly running from the room.
Flabbergasted, I lean against the doorpost. “I thought you’d gone.”
“Without giving you the presents I brought you? Never.” He gestures to the table, which is covered in strange things. I can hardly take them all in.
“Did you love him?” Matthias asks after a brief silence.
“Yes, and I miss him. I wasn’t in love with Evert, but he was my best friend. I could count on him and he could count on me. Sometimes that’s enough for a marriage.” I tell him about all that’s happened over the past eighteen months. The only part I leave out is Jacob; that has nothing to do with this. I relate everything as carefully as possible, the way Evert and I grew closer, our collaboration, my broken leg and how he supported me.
When I’ve finished, Matthias says, “I understand.”
“Really?”
“Catrin, I’ve had a lot of time to think on my travels. I realized I should have been more clear.”
“About what?”
“About my feelings for you. Maybe I needed this voyage to know what I wanted.”
“And that is?”
I wait for the words I never thought I’d hear again, and at the same time ask myself whether I’ll believe them. Whether I’ll ever dare to rely on him.
Rather than saying those words, he gestures to all the objects on the table. He tells me what they all are: coral, amber, fossils, starfish and precious stones. They come from the Cape Verde Islands, the Southern Cape of Africa, Madagascar, Mozambique and Ceylon. Names that mean nothing to me, but that evoke mysterious worlds. Worlds where he was thinking of me, from whence he brought back little pieces. For me.
I listen to his stories, watch the life return to his eyes as he relives his journey.
“It sounds amazing,” I say at last. “It must have been a great adventure.”
“A dangerous adventure, but it was fantastic.”
“You love traveling, you need it.”
He hears the subtle change in my voice, stands up and walks over to me. “I need you as well. While I was out there, I thought about you constantly, but now that I’m back . . .”
“You want to go again.”
“Not immediately. But one day . . . yes.”
“Then you have to go. You’ll be unhappy if you stay on dry land.”
“I’ll be unhappy without you, too.” His eyes seek mine and hold my gaze.
A silence falls.
“One thing doesn’t rule out the other,” I say softly. “This time I would wait for you.”
Moved, he watches my face. “Really?” He comes to stand in front of me and strokes my lip with his thumb.
“I need to go away now,” he murmurs. “Not for long, a couple of days. And then we’ll talk.”
I nod and he kisses me. Then he grabs his bag and leaves. I follow him out, wave after him as he goes up the road, and smile to myself because even though I know that he’ll often leave me, I also know that he’ll always come back.