part0006

The first nine and a half years were the most wonderful years while the following sixteen left a lot to be desired. And the only thing that could explain my ability to get where I am now, is grit.

It was the ability to pick myself up off the ground when I’d been knocked down and defeated. It was finding the strength within myself to keep working for what I wanted, even if it meant there was nobody by my side with whom to share it.

It all started that day my younger sister and I came home from school. Our father had promised he’d pick us up like he always did, but he wasn’t there when the bus arrived. Instead, my mother’s sister, Aunt Lydia, was waiting for us. I’ll never forget the look on her face. At the time, I didn’t know what it was, but the older I got I realized what it had been.

She felt sorry for us. Because that day, our father walked away from our family without an explanation.

And from that day forward, my life was one filled with abandonment, lies, and betrayals.

Aunt Lydia walked us home from the bus stop in silence. When we walked through the front door I realized why she picked us up. Mom wasn’t home and Aunt Lydia was staying with Jessie, Megan, and me while our mother was at the hospital. Apparently, in her attempt to get our father to stay and talk about what was going on with him, she had fallen down the stairs as she chased after him. She ended up with some bruises and a broken wrist from the fall. And my dad, the kindest and most loving man I’d ever known, walked away with nothing but the clothes on his back as he left my mother at the bottom of the stairs.

I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt the fear I felt during the week that followed.

Every day I hoped he’d come back. Every time the phone rang or there was a knock at the door, I held my breath in hopes that it was him.

When he missed my tenth birthday, I knew.

He was never coming back.

But I was still courageous. All the talks I had with and the lessons I’d learned from my father over the years remained, even though he didn’t. He taught me everything I needed to know to be successful in life.

So, I pushed forward with a renewed sense of determination. At least, that’s what everyone else saw. I stayed focused on what I needed to do to make something of myself. In some ways, I believed I needed to prove that I didn’t need him. I had my mom and my sisters and I’d be fine. But every night, when I was alone in my room no longer having to put on a brave face for anyone, I cried myself to sleep with my aching heart. I did that for an entire year after he left, the hole inside of me growing larger every day.

My relationship with my mother was never the same after he left. For those first six months, she didn’t talk as much. She told us when the divorce was finalized and not long after, she started dating again. She got into a relationship with a man named Carl and he moved in. He was nice enough, but he wasn’t my dad. A year later, he left too.

Once I entered junior high school, my relationship with my sisters became strained. There were a lot of guys interested in me throughout junior high school and high school, but I didn’t really pursue any relationships. My sisters always seemed annoyed that I had so many people who wanted to date me, especially because all I ever did was brush them off. Eventually, I caved and started dating a guy when I was fifteen, a couple months before my sixteenth birthday. We were together for about two years before I gave him my virginity. Two and a half years after that, I found out he cheated on me.

Instead of being there for me through my first heartbreak from a boyfriend, my sisters were nowhere to be found. They couldn’t be bothered to deal with it beyond telling me that it shouldn’t matter since I had so many other guys interested. They weren’t nasty, but they certainly weren’t supportive. I never understood where the blasé attitude stemmed from with them. Thankfully, I had my three best friends, Monroe, Charley, and Emme, to see me through.

My girls were there for me again when, a couple years down the road after high school, things with my sisters went from bad to worse. Megan had been dating a guy named Derek for about a year. In that time, he’d obviously been to family functions and holiday gatherings. He seemed nice enough until roughly a year into their relationship.

My mother invited the entire family over for a Labor Day picnic. I’d been sunbathing for most of the day with a few members of my extended family when I excused myself to go use the bathroom. I walked into the house and to the bathroom. As I walked in, I pushed the door shut behind me, but it didn’t close. I turned around and found that Derek had followed me inside.

“What are you doing in here?” I snapped.

He shut the door, locked it, and smirked as he strode toward me. I stepped away from him until my back was up against the wall.

“Been wanting this body under me for a long time,” he declared as he put one hand on the wall by my shoulder and the other on my hip.

I swatted at his hand that was on me.

“Get your hands off me and get out.”

Derek didn’t do as I asked. He moved his body closer to mine and slipped his hand around my back, down over my ass. I struggled against him.

“Come on, Nikki. Seeing you in this bikini all day…” he trailed off as he pressed his body into mine and gripped my throat tight.

He was larger and stronger than me. With his hand at my throat, I couldn’t yell. I could just barely breathe.

Thankfully, there was a knock at the door.

“Is someone in there?” Megan called out.

Derek’s grip on me loosened as the rest of him froze.

I seized the opportunity with him being distracted by her voice and pushed back against his chest. As quickly as I could, I moved out from where he had me pinned against the wall and opened the bathroom door.

“Your boyfriend is a dick,” I muttered as the tears welled up in my eyes.

She looked past me into the bathroom and shock registered on her face. I walked away to get my things and get out of there. After I located my sundress and my bag, I told my mom I was leaving.

“What’s going on Nikki?” she asked.

I never had the chance to respond because Megan shouted, “She just propositioned Derek in the bathroom! He told her he was in love with me, but she continued to put her hands all over him. Thank goodness I came and knocked on the door when I did. When she walked out, she had the audacity to call him a dick!”

My eyes shot to Derek’s. He was standing behind Megan looking smug. When my gaze returned to my sister, she was enraged.

“All these years, you’ve had all these guys after you. When I finally find a good man, you feel the need to take him away from me?! How dare you?”

“That’s not what happened, Meg. He came on to me and assaulted me in the bathroom.”

“I think you should go, Nikki,” my mother suggested quietly from beside me.

“What?” I asked, taken aback.

Her eyes moved through the crowds of people in the backyard. “Let’s not make more of a scene in front of the family.”

That’s when I knew. I had just revealed to my mother the truth of what happened and nobody had my back. She was more concerned about how it would look to everyone else. I was done. I took my things and left.

From that point forward, I didn’t spend much time with my family. They showed me exactly where I stood in their lives. They took the word of a liar over their own flesh and blood. Knowing that, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me when a year later, after I had been dating a tattoo artist, John, for roughly eight months, that Jessie dug her claws into him .

She called the tattoo parlor one day and spoke with the receptionist about scheduling an appointment with John for a tattoo. If it weren’t for the fact that about twenty minutes after Jessie arrived for the appointment I showed up following my day at work, I might not have ever learned that he was cheating scum and she was a poor excuse for a sister.

Imagine walking in to find your boyfriend’s face between the legs of another woman. That’s bad enough. But imagine when that woman happens to be your big sister. It cuts you like a knife.

I decided right then and there that I’d never do this to myself again. Sure, there were good people in the world. I knew that because I had Charley, Monroe, and Emme. And now, they had good men in their lives. For me, though, I vowed to never put myself in that position again. I would not set myself up and allow someone to hurt me the way that I’d been hurt time after time over the course of my life.

Abandonment, lies, betrayals, and more abandonment. Nope. I wouldn’t allow that to happen again.

On the outside, I always appeared to be the strong one. The reality was, and still is, that I’m dying inside.

It’s alright, though.

Most importantly, I’ve learned.

It has happened more than once in my life and I’ve finally realized what I need to do to protect myself.

So, here I am. Nikki Drake. Brutally honest lover of all things that aren’t likely to hurt me: good times, beauty products, hair care, bare feet, weekend naps, my three very best friends, and no-strings-attached, mind-blowing sex. I am also an abhorrer of lies, deception, heartbreak, deeper connections, clowns, insects, and the sound of people chewing their food. All in all, I’d say I’m rather well-rounded.

The problem I’m having right now is that one of the things I love is being threatened by one of the things that I hate.

The sex by the deeper connections.

Several months ago, Monroe and I moved from our hometown in Ventura, California to Rising Sun, Wyoming. We didn’t just stumble upon our new location one day, though. A few months before we moved here, we made several trips out to visit with the other half of our best-friend foursome. Charley and Emme moved here more than a year ago, shortly after the two of them experienced one of the most heartbreaking tragedies. They came out to start fresh and things had worked out very well for both of them.

Charley is now married to Wes Blackman, owner of Blackman Boards. She’s had it rough, in a completely different way than me, but still persevered. With a little help from Wes, his family, and her friends, Charley soon realized that she deserved more than she was giving herself. Now that she has it, I couldn’t be happier for her.

Emme’s story is a bit more devastating. Having been a victim of domestic abuse for many years, she struggled to start living life again. She met Wes’ best friend, Zane, a professional snowboarder. While it took her some time to be vulnerable again, Emme eventually allowed Zane to bring light into her world. He treated her with the utmost respect and allowed her to see that she didn’t need to go through life alone. Now, they’re engaged to be married.

Monroe was a woman on a mission, a fairytale seeker. She moved to Wyoming because she believed Stone, best friend to Wes and Zane, was the man of her dreams. He, too, is a professional snowboarder. For the first time in her life, she suffered a bit of a heartbreak. That heartbreak was delivered by Stone. Somehow, though, she managed to get him to see that they were meant to be together. When he did, he refused to let her go and asked her to marry him.

So, Charley had Wes, Emme had Zane, and Monroe had Stone. As it turns out, the guys have a fourth member of their crew. His name is Luke Townsend and, just like the rest of them, snowboarding is a huge part of his life. Where Zane and Stone competed in halfpipe events, Luke competed in the big air discipline. He is an incredible rider, but that isn’t quite the best thing about him.

Simply put, Luke is hot.

He is tall, six foot three. This is good because I am five foot nine and prefer when a guy is taller than me. Luke is also a massive mountain of a man, all solid muscle. I am almost unsure how he does so well in big air because he is so large. He has light brown hair, chocolate-colored eyes, and nearly every time I’d seen him, he had a few days’ worth of scruff on his face, which he always managed to keep neatly groomed.

I wasn’t sure if I was more turned on by the scruff or the tattoos.

Luke was covered in ink. Tattoo sleeves were on both of his arms. I’d always been attracted to guys with ink and Luke was no disappointment.

Not long after I moved to town, Luke and I hooked up. If I was being honest, the sex was phenomenal. In fact, I’d go so far to say it was the best sex of my life.

My problem now was that Luke had been pushing recently to mess with a really good thing. We had been having fiery and extraordinary sex for a couple months. I was more than happy to keep it at that. Luke decided he wanted more. He wanted exclusivity. He wanted, I assumed, what his buddies had found with my friends.

Luke and I weren’t dating in the official capacity, and even though there were so many great things about him, I just couldn’t give him this one thing he wanted. Even still, I was sleeping only with him. Honestly, he was more than capable of fulfilling my needs. And evidently, he was happy with what I could give him in return. Being with anyone else would have just been disappointing; the sex with Luke was just that good.

I was now thinking about the conversation I had with him after we hooked up the first time. We were at his place and had both just experienced multiple earth-shattering orgasms. I took about fifteen minutes to get my bearings about me before I moved to get out of the bed.

Luke hooked an arm around my waist and pulled me back toward him. After settling himself over me, he asked, “Where are you going?”

“Back to my condo.”

“Your condo,” he repeated.

“Yeah. You know, the place I live.”

“I know what a condo is, babe. What I’m wondering is why you are going there instead of staying here?”

I took in a deep breath and blew it out before I answered, “Look, dude, this was great. I had a fantastic time and you’re incredibly talented in bed. I’m going to be straight with you, though; this was just sex. If you’re cool with that, I’d love to do it again some time.”

“Did you just call me dude?”

I held my hands up to frame his face, but kept them a few inches away, never touching his skin when I retorted, “That’s what you are, right?”

He narrowed his eyes at me, but said nothing else.

After a beat of silence, he confirmed, “Just sex?”

“Yeah. Does that work for you?”

A look I couldn’t read flashed in his face before he admitted, “Well, it’s not exactly a hardship for me, especially if every time with you results in you lighting up like you just did for me.”

I offered a coy smile and praised, “You’re not so bad yourself, hottie.”

This was true, but it probably wasn’t the most accurate description of his talents I could have given him.

Not wanting the conversation to head into awkward territory, I decided to make a move again. I was no match for Luke and wasn’t going to even attempt to roll him off me, so I dropped my hands to his shoulders and attempted to lift my hips.

“Are you sure you want to go?” he verified.

I dipped my chin as my eyes closed and answered, “Positive.”

At that, Luke rolled to the side and off me. He then watched as I got dressed. It didn’t bother me that he watched. Just as I moved to pull my shirt over my head, he got up from the bed and pulled on a pair of jeans.

It was my turn to watch.

Before he caught me staring, I looked away and sought out my purse. After I found it, I walked to the entrance of the bedroom. Luke followed behind me.

I made it to the bottom of the stairs and started to walk to the front door when I felt Luke’s hand graze the small of my back.

“Come this way,” he urged as he put a bit of pressure at my back.

I gave him a confused look.

He explained, “I’ll walk you out through the garage; it’s closer to your car.”

Luke kept his hand at my back and used it to guide me through the house toward the garage. I stopped just in front of the door that led out to the garage and turned to him.

His lips twitched before he insisted, “I’m walking you out to your car.”

“I’ll be fine, Luke. ”

“I know,” he started. “Because I’m going to walk you out.”

Deciding it wasn’t worth the fight, I dropped my gaze to the door knob and put my hand to it. Instantly, Luke’s hand was covering mine. My head snapped back up to his.

He didn’t give me a chance to say anything because his other hand immediately fisted my hair as his lips crashed down on mine. This kiss was rough, wet, and deep. When he pulled his mouth from mine, he gave me a wink and promised, “I’ll call you.”

“Looking forward to it,” I shot back, desperate to keep any emotion out of my voice.

Luke’s hand moved over mine on the door knob and turned it to open the door. He walked me out to my car and waited outside until I drove off and turned out of the driveway.

When I left his place after that first time, I was under the impression that he was more than content with my request to keep things physical. Initially, he proved this to be true. We’d get together and take care of our physical needs.

The best part of it all was that our arrangement allowed us to do what we did, but also didn’t make things awkward when we were out with all our friends. In fact, on many of those occasions, we knew that we’d spend the night out having a great time with them and, at the end of the night, we’d be going home with one another. It took the pressure off a bit on those nights when I needed to feel a warm, masculine body against mine. It was very rare, but Luke stayed the entire night at my place a handful of times and I did the same at his.

As the weeks went by, our understanding worked. We’d meet up, hook up, and go our separate ways until the next time. We were always friendly with each other, but that was the extent of our interactions.