part0007

A fter experiencing the things I have in my life, it should come as no surprise that I’m hesitant to put trust in people. I can admit that I never used to be this way, but one too many lies and betrayals have made me cautious. There is nobody, other than Emme, Monroe, and Charley, that I trust implicitly.

As sad as it is, I know that I’ll never allow myself to be vulnerable with anyone else ever again. The pain is too much to bear and I won’t put myself through that.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t trust people at all; it’s just that I am typically very guarded. Sure, I am outgoing and friendly, but there is a limit to how close I’ll get to someone. Generally, I keep most people at arm’s length.

For me, there is a difference between trusting someone to be a decent human being and trusting someone with your heart. I could offer trust in the first instance regularly, but not so much in the second. In fact, that never happened with anyone else following the incident with Jessie in the tattoo parlor.

I made the adjustments in my life that were necessary for me to make sure I could protect myself. This is why I made the arrangement that I did with Luke. I felt I could trust him as a person, but that was the extent of it. I would never allow my heart to get involved because that’s when things could get messy.

Unfortunately, even though Luke seemed more than alright with the two of us getting together to take care of our physical needs, somewhere along the line that feeling of contentment began to change for him.

It started out with little changes. Any time I had spent the night at Luke’s place, we’d usually wake up the next morning, have sex, and then I’d be on my way. On one of those rare occasions, he woke up and decided he wanted to take me out for breakfast.

I was not okay with that. Strictly physical meant not doing things like having breakfast together. If we were out with a group of friends for breakfast or dinner, that was different; but the two of us alone, whether in his house for it or going out for it, was not an option. Breakfast with just Luke meant that we’d have to have conversation.

I wasn’t necessarily opposed to conversation with him because deep down I felt he was a genuinely good guy. The problem was that while I was okay to hear about him I did not want to have to divulge the sad events of my life.

Knowing that, I declined breakfast and, from that point forward, I refused to allow myself to stay at his place.

Little changes then turned into one big one. This happened at Charley and Wes’ wedding this past weekend. Luke and I were both in the bridal party and, naturally, ended up paired together. I didn’t have any issues with this. What I did have a problem with was when he decided he wanted to start having discussions about his future. This wouldn’t have been a concern, but he was hinting at that future involving me .

I had just walked off the dance floor and made my way back to the bar to grab a drink. After giving my drink request to the bartender, I turned and looked back toward the dance floor where one of my best friends was dancing to a slow song with her new husband. Somehow, despite his insistence that he would not dance, Wes broke down and gave that to Charley. I also noticed that Monroe managed to convince Stone to dance with her. My heart swelled at seeing that she, too, had finally gotten the fairytale romance she’d been dreaming of for as long as I had known her.

The bartender gave me my drink, and as I stood there sipping on it, I settled into the peace I felt knowing my friends had found such happiness in their lives.

That’s when Luke walked up to me.

I glanced over at him and couldn’t help but feel turned on. Luke looked incredible in his suit. I didn’t try to hide the fact that I checked him out and appreciated what I saw. With a grin on my face, I responded, “Hey, hottie.”

The corner of Luke’s mouth tipped up with a grin as he closed the distance between us and stood beside me. My eyes went back to the dance floor.

“I can’t believe Stone’s dancing,” I started. “I wonder how Monroe managed to convince him.”

Luke let out a noise that sounded a bit like a grunt mixed with a laugh.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“Monroe didn’t convince him, Nikki.”

I turned my attention back to Luke and waited for further explanation. He gave it to me.

“He loves her,” Luke offered, nonchalantly.

This offered little clarification considering I already knew that Stone loved her. Luke recognized this and went on. “He knows she loves to dance. When you love someone, you don’t need anyone to convince you to do the things that you know will make them happy.”

I gave a gentle nod of my head, but said nothing otherwise. Almost instantly, I regretted my decision to stay quiet because what Luke said next was neither something I was prepared to hear nor was it a conversation I wanted to have with him.

“Are you ever going to let someone make you happy?”

I jerked back at his unexpected question, but quickly recovered and challenged, “Who says I’m not already happy?”

“I don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that you aren’t.”

I needed to engage my defense mechanisms pronto.

He shook his head, a small smile tugging at his lips momentarily before he went serious again.

“I won’t lie,” he started. “On the surface, you put on a good show. Deep down, I can see how much you’re hurting.”

I was being defensive because I had nothing else.

“I saw you standing here watching your best friends out there,” he continued as pointed to the dance floor. “You’re happy for them; there’s not a doubt in my mind about that. But it’s there, Nikki. Behind the tough exterior that you show to the rest of the world, there’s a big part of you that wants to have exactly what they have.”

My throat was tight when I clipped, “You have no idea what you are talking about.”

“I do, though. And I think it’s only fair right now that I let you in on a little secret, baby girl,” he shared with so much promise in his voice. He shifted closer to me, his face within inches of mine, and assured, “I’m going to make sure you get it. ”

I wanted to push him away and scream at him. I wanted him to not share any secrets with me. Mostly, I wanted to walk away and never look back.

Since I was at my best friend’s wedding and I didn’t want to do anything to put a damper on her day or make a spectacle of myself, I didn’t do any of that. Instead, I turned it around on him. “Why would you ever set yourself up to fail?”

“There are two things you should know about me, Nikki. First, I won’t fail. Second, and most importantly, even if I thought there was a chance I could fail I already explained why I would do this.”

“Considering this is the first time I’m hearing this from you, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you definitely have not explained why you would do this.”

“I’m pretty sure I shared with you why Stone is dancing with Monroe, didn’t I?”

I dipped my chin and restated what he had a few moments ago, “Yeah, because he loves her.”

Luke didn’t say anything. His eyes just burned into mine.

Then, it hit me. Like a ton of bricks settling on my shoulders, I felt the truth of what he was admitting filter into my brain and seize the breath in my lungs.

My lips parted, mostly in shock, but also in an effort to come back with some witty reply. Unfortunately, I had nothing. So, I snapped them closed and let myself try to process the news he had delivered. Once again, my mouth opened, but nothing came out.

Luke stepped closer to me, wrapped an arm around my waist, and leaned in to kiss my cheek. The touch of his lips burned my skin, but I had no chance to deal with that since those lips went to my ear, where he whispered, “You don’t have to say anything now. I can wait.”

I hated myself for what I did next, but I wouldn’t fall into this with him. I brought my drink up to my lips, took a sip, and after setting it back down on the bar, I insisted, “You’ll be waiting forever.”

At that, I walked away from Luke. I didn’t turn back to look at him because I knew if I did I’d probably cry. Luke was a good guy; I had just been a colossal bitch to him.

The rest of that night, I stayed close to my girls. When the evening wound down, I ended up going home alone. As good as Luke looked, he had shared something with me that I couldn’t so easily get past.

What I believed happened was that Luke was seeing the first of his closest friends making it official. All of them were settling down and part of him was beginning to realize that he wanted more than what he had with me.

Unfortunately, as great as he was, I couldn’t change who I was for him. In the same regard, I had enough respect for him to realize that we needed to have a serious discussion about what was happening between the two of us. We just didn’t need to do it at the wedding.

It was now two days after the wedding and I was back at work. I opened my own salon when Monroe and I moved out to Rising Sun. We were fortunate enough to find a space that was being leased and could accommodate both of our needs. I had my salon in one portion of the building and Monroe opened her dance studio on the other side.

I was at the salon early that morning as I had a full schedule right up until I took my break for lunch. When lunchtime rolled around, I made my way over to see Monroe.

“Hey, mama,” I greeted her as I walked in.

“Hey, Nik. How’s it going?”

“I had a busy morning,” I started as I walked into the reception area carrying my lunch. “I figured I’d come over and have lunch with you, assuming Stone isn’t joining you today.”

Her eyes went dreamy before she responded, “No, not today. But he did pack food for me.”

I shook my head with a smile on my face. “I still can’t believe he packs you a lunch.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “He’s been serious about keeping me fed ever since our stuff went down. It’s the off-season right now and it makes him happy to do it. I figure once snowboarding starts again, I’m not going to be so lucky.”

“Well, he is going to be training for the Olympics this season, so you should cut him some slack if he doesn’t pack lunch for you every day,” I teased.

“I’ll try to keep that in mind.”

Instead of walking back to her break room to have lunch, Monroe and I parked ourselves on one of the couches she had in her reception area.

I hadn’t really discussed anything with any of the girls regarding Luke up to this point. They knew we had hooked up, but that was it. I never really shared anything because I was always under the impression that he and I had an agreement. That changed this past weekend at the wedding and I needed help.

“Luke loves me,” I blurted out.

Monroe, who had her fork in her mouth, froze. She stared at me a beat before slowly sliding the fork from her mouth.

She took a deep swallow and admitted, “Ok, so I knew that already, but I wasn’t sure you did.”

“What? What do you mean you knew that?”

Her shoulders rose and fell quickly as she explained, “It’s kind of hard to miss. With the way he looks at you, it’s obvious.”

I sat in stunned silence. How did she know this and, yet, for the last two days I’d felt like my world had been turned upside down?

Monroe went on, “So, did Luke say those words to you?”

I shook my head and answered, “Not exactly. ”

“What happened?”

I went on to explain to her what happened at the wedding. I told her about her and Stone dancing, Luke letting me in on his little secret, and then his crazy explanation for why he’d attempt to make me happy. As I spoke, Monroe’s face grew brighter and brighter. Of course, the look of glee faded as soon as I shared that I told Luke he’d be waiting forever.

“What did he do when you told him that?”

“I don’t know,” I confessed. “I turned and walked away. The conversation was too much for me to process at that moment and, if I’m being honest, a big part of me wished I could have screamed and ran away. I tried to keep in mind that I was at Charley’s wedding, so that helped to keep me in check.”

“You really don’t think you could be in a relationship with him?”

“No way,” I refused. “I won’t set myself up for disaster again.”

She sighed. “I don’t think he’d ever do to you what John did, Nikki. Luke does not strike me as that type of guy.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t think my own family members were those kinds of people either, but look what happened there. When your own family can betray you, it makes it difficult to want to trust anyone else. Based on my experience, men are lying, cheating, self-absorbed jerks. Luke is nice enough and he’s really amazing in bed; it’d be a shame to add him to the list of confirmed jerks.”

“So, what are you going to do now? Have you spoken with him since the wedding?” she pressed for more information.

“No. I have no idea what to do. It really sucks how it went down, too. He looked so good in that suit. I was really looking forward to stripping him out of it that night.”

“He did look good. They all did.”

I watched as Monroe tilted her head back and looked away from me. She was recalling the way Stone looked that night.

“Your head is in the clouds. I’m so happy he’s given you your fairytale, mama.”

Monroe brought her gaze back to me and gushed, “Me too.”

She didn’t let me off the hook when she continued, “I wish you’d open your heart to Luke, babe. You might be surprised at how good it can be when it’s real.”

“It’s not worth the risk,” I stated.

“But it is,” she assured me. “When it ends up being the real thing, it is so worth it. I completely understand your mindset right now because a lot of people who shouldn’t have done you wrong did you very wrong. You know I’d never lie to you. I can’t promise that Luke’s the one, but if he is, I can promise you’ll regret not giving yourself the opportunity to have something so wonderful much sooner. Don’t waste this time, Nikki.”

For the first time in a very long time, I felt myself grow sad and I allowed it to take over me for a bit. Monroe knew it as soon as she saw the tears well up in my eyes. She set her food aside and shifted closer to me on the couch. When I felt her arms wrap around me, my head dropped to her shoulder and I cried.

She let me go at it for a bit before I remembered that Lexi, Luke’s sister, would likely be showing up at any minute. She worked as Monroe’s receptionist and I didn’t want her seeing me like this.

“I’ve got to get back over to the salon,” I informed Monroe. “I’ve got a client coming in twenty minutes, so I need to try to make myself look decent.”

“How about we do dinner tonight?” she offered. “I’ll tell Stone we need a girls’ night.”

I decided I could use one of those.

“That sounds fantastic. ”

At that, I made my way back to the salon. No sooner did I get back there and get out my makeup supplies to touch up my face when the door chimed.

Mrs. Jones, my spunky seventy-eight-year-old client who was usually very prompt, decided to show up early today.

I barely had the chance to push the chair back to stand up when I heard footsteps that were absolutely not Mrs. Jones’ footsteps. I glanced up in the mirror and saw Luke walking toward me.

“I thought you were my next client, Mrs. Jones,” I announced as I began turning.

By the time I stopped turning, he was standing about two feet away from me. He took in my face and his softened.

“You’ve been crying,” he said softly.

“Nikki,” Luke called.

I brought my eyes to his and watched his eyes search my face. He grew concerned.

“Tell me what’s wrong, babe,” he urged as he brought his hand up to squeeze the side of my neck.

I closed my eyes at the feel of his skin on mine. I wanted to be with him right then and there. Of course, as spunky as Mrs. Jones was, I’m not sure she would have been keen on walking in on Luke and me in the throes of passion.