part0009

It had been three weeks since I stood in my salon with Luke and told him we needed to stop the physical relationship we had between us.

The first week following that talk was grueling. I had to keep telling myself multiple times a day that this was what I needed to do to protect myself from yet another disappointing heartbreak. By week two, I only had to remind myself every other day, and throughout this last week, it’s finally gotten a bit easier.

When I walked out of Monroe’s dance studio three weeks ago after crying on her shoulder about the situation with Luke, I had my mind made up. I walked back over to the salon intent on finishing up my day and then reaching out to Luke to discuss things. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to prepare for this conversation because he showed up only minutes after I arrived back at my salon.

I knew it was necessary to tell him where I stood and where I needed things to go, but that didn’t mean it was easy to do. What made it so difficult was that I had been in Luke’s position many times before and I knew what it was like when someone you loved and cared about didn’t feel the same.

This didn’t mean that I didn’t care about Luke.

But I had built up a wall around myself as a means of protection.

In fact, I was certain if I wasn’t standing behind that wall, Luke was someone I could have seen myself dating. As Mrs. Jones said that day, he was a beautiful man and he had good manners. What Mrs. Jones didn’t know was that, in addition to all of that, he was also a remarkable sex partner.

So, he had it all going for him. Well, except for the fact that he fell in love with me when there was no way I could ever love him back…at least, not romantically.

But that conversation three weeks ago.

It was, by far, one of the most challenging things I’ve ever had to do. I hated thinking that I was going to do to him what people I loved did to me. While I realized those people threw me away without much explanation or care for my feelings and I was doing my best to let Luke down gently, it still hurt. It wasn’t very typical for me to be vulnerable, but my emotions were all over the place knowing I was inflicting pain on someone who cared about me the way he did.

To make matters worse, he graciously accepted what I told him. He asked a few questions trying to understand it, but he never pushed me to rethink it for his sake.

See? Really good manners.

Now, when I finally felt I had reached a point where I wasn’t thinking about what I did to him nearly every moment of the day, I had a big problem.

Charley’s sister-in-law, Elle, was going to be performing at Big Lou’s Restaurant and Saloon tonight. Lou’s had become our hangout. We weren’t there every weekend, but when we all got together, Lou’s was the place.

My problem is that tonight would be the first time I would be seeing Luke since that day in my salon. We hadn’t been around our friends since it all happened either. They all knew the story. The guys, I’m sure, got this news from Luke. If not, they definitely got it from my girls. I had shared it with Monroe and Emme immediately. With Charley being on her honeymoon, I decided to wait to share it with her until after she returned.

The reaction from each of my friends was the same. They knew my history and were aware of the betrayals I’d experienced, so they understood why I was so hesitant to pursue anything with not just Luke, but anyone. That said, even knowing my reasons for being protective of my heart didn’t mean that they didn’t also push me to see another side of it. This was mostly because they’d all been in my shoes in one way or another.

For Charley, after experiencing such tragic losses in her life, she didn’t want to get close to anyone new for fear that they’d be tragically ripped from her. When she finally let Wes in, she realized she’d been holding onto fear unnecessarily.

Emme’s resolve, only a few months ago, was very much like my own now. She was steadfast in her decision to remain unattached to anyone because of her previous relationship, which lasted eight years and resulted in years of physical, sexual, emotional, and verbal abuse. Thankfully, Zane came into her life and proved to her that he’d stop at nothing to protect her. Seeing her happy and fulfilled again was amazing.

With Monroe, she was the one who was like Luke, in love with someone who didn’t have the same feelings in return. When I told her about my conversation with Luke, she tried to convince me to reconsider by bringing up Stone. When he finally got past the things that were holding him back from pursuing a relationship with Monroe, he told her how much he regretted pushing her away. Monroe was convinced that I’d soon be feeling just like Stone did.

I was happy for my friends. Seeing them live their lives with men who treated them like princesses left me overjoyed. I knew they wanted the same for me and while there used to be a part of me that wanted that, I simply couldn’t take the risk.

At this point, I hoped all the hard work I’d put in over the last few weeks wouldn’t crumble the second I saw him.

I had just finished getting ready, so I grabbed my phone, purse, and keys and took off to Lou’s.

When I walked into the saloon not much later, I saw that everyone else had already arrived. Charley, Monroe, and Emme were standing by our usual tables with Wes, Stone, Zane, and Luke beside them. I also noticed that something was wrong. The guys were each holding their woman close. This wasn’t uncommon, but something about it was different. Their faces had concerned looks and I began to feel nervous with each step I took toward them.

At that moment, I locked gazes with Luke. He visibly relaxed at the sight of me. I grew tense, but tried to hide it. I gave him a small smile and closed the distance between myself and my friends.

The second I was standing next to them I spit out, “Okay, what’s wrong?”

“Wes and I were waiting for you to arrive,” Charley started. “I didn’t want to have to tell the story twice.”

My stomach grew cold. Something wasn’t right at all.

Instantly, I felt Luke’s heat at my back. I couldn’t help but notice how good that made me feel despite the looming bad news.

“Elle’s in trouble. Someone is stalking her. They were in her apartment sometime yesterday afternoon,” Charley shared .

“Are you kidding me?” I asked. “Is she alright?”

Wes explained, “Physically, she’s fine right now. Charley and Elle went out for lunch earlier today, but when Elle got back to her apartment she found one of her photos from a meet-and-greet she did a while back sitting on her bed. The photo had a note written on the back.”

“What did it say?” Monroe asked.

“I will always be watching,” Charley offered.

This was awful. That is, everything about it was awful except for the one thought that popped into my mind.

“Is your brother taking care of this for her?” I questioned Zane.

A couple months ago, before Monroe and I moved out here, we came out for a visit. Everyone met at Charley and Wes’ place. This included Elle and Zane’s brother, Levi. They met each other for the first time that day and everyone there witnessed the instant connection between them. Sparks were flying, so if this stalker situation meant that Elle and Levi were going to get together, maybe there was something good that could come from it.

“Yeah,” Zane answered. “She stayed at his place last night and will be there until Levi and his team can figure out who’s after her.”

“They’re also no longer ignoring the attraction between each other,” Charley added, clearly happy with that news.

“I’m happy about that part of it, but I’m so worried for her. What if something bad happens to her,” Emme chimed in.

Zane looked down at her and insisted, “Levi won’t let anything happen to her, sweetheart. You, of all people, should know that.”

Emme leaned back into Zane; he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and held her a little tighter .

I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. Elle and Levi were walking toward us.

“Incoming,” I heard Luke say from behind me.

“Try to be upbeat for Elle’s sake, please,” Charley requested.

After we all greeted the two of them, we pulled Elle away from the guys to talk with her. At that moment, her best friend, Leah, had shown up. Elle made introductions and then we launched in with the questions. It seemed, for the most part, that Elle was in good spirits even though someone was actively stalking her. Given that, we all shifted the conversation to the relationship between her and Levi. They hadn’t yet done the deed, but it seemed it wasn’t far off.

I hoped that Levi would manage to not only keep her safe from whoever was after her, but that he’d also be able to win her heart. Given her interest in him, I’m not sure he’d have such a difficult time.

Elle took off a few minutes later to head backstage while the rest of us grabbed seats. Of course, everyone paired up with their significant other and Leah settled in next to Wes and Charley. This left Luke and I to sit next to each other.

“Are you alright?” Luke leaned in to ask quietly.

“It’s unsettling what’s happening to Elle. She’s one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. Why would someone want to hurt her?” I told him the truth of how I felt about Elle’s situation.

“Levi will keep her safe.”

I wanted to believe that and I knew that Levi was the best at what he did, but it didn’t change the fact that I was still worried. I’m certain Luke noticed my uneasiness with the whole situation.

I didn’t have the opportunity to respond because Lou was up on stage introducing Elle. At that, we all directed our attention to her. Her set lasted just over an hour and I really tried to relax and enjoy the performance.

Unfortunately, I failed.

My mind was consumed with worry over what was happening to Elle, obviously, but I was mostly trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that I was sitting next to Luke after not seeing him for three weeks.

I failed at this, too.

Emme, Zane, Charley, Wes, and Leah all took off backstage to meet up with Elle and Levi after Levi called Zane and asked them to go backstage. That left me out in the saloon with Luke, Stone, and Monroe.

“I’m going to make a quick stop in the ladies’ room before we go,” Monroe said to Stone before she turned her attention to me. “Come with me, Nik.”

She didn’t have to tell me twice.

We walked through the saloon to the restrooms. Once we were out of sight of Luke and Stone and made our way down the hall toward the restroom, Monroe let her mother-of-the-group instincts take over.

“Are you alright, babe? I know you’ve had a rough time trying to deal with everything that’s happened since Charley’s wedding.”

“I honestly don’t know, mama. I just started feeling like a human again this week and it’d be accurate to say that seeing him again has me back at square one.”

“I’m sorry,” she lamented. “Does it make you want to reconsider your decision?”

“I can’t,” I admitted. “As much as I’d really love some company tonight in the form of Luke, it’s not fair to him. I won’t be that person; I can’t be that person. It’s hard, Monroe. He makes me feel comfortable, despite the situation. He’s doing exactly what he said he would.”

“You mean by not letting it get awkward?”

I nodded at the same time I felt my stomach twist. “I feel like such a horrible person.”

“You’re not,” she reassured me. “You told him from the start what you wanted between the two of you. He can’t help that he fell in love with you, but I don’t think he’s blaming you for it. You’ve got to understand that you’re lovable, Nikki. Charley, Emme, and I all know it. Luke knows it. We just need you to see it.”

I sighed. “I realize I didn’t do this intentionally, but it doesn’t change the fact that I know I’d never be able to go there with him.”

Her head shook with disappointment. “I wish you’d give him a shot. I think he’d make you so happy and he’d make you realize that what they did to you was about them and not you.”

“I don’t think I could ever trust someone like that again,” I confessed.

“You’ll never know unless you try.”

I had no response to that because it was the truth. Of course, that didn’t mean I was planning to try because I still wasn’t convinced the risk was worth the reward.

Monroe and I did our business in the bathroom and walked out. No sooner did we open the bathroom door that we found Luke and Stone standing there. Concern didn’t begin to describe the looks on their faces.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, looking to Luke.

He shook his head. “Elle’s stalker was, or is still, here tonight.”

Monroe gasped beside me. “Is she alright?”

“Yeah, angel,” Stone answered. “They found flowers in her dressing room from the stalker. Levi’s taking her home, but she’s pretty shook up.”

“She’s got to be terrified,” I murmured.

“Take me home, handsome,” Monroe urged Stone.

My eyes drifted back to Luke. “It’d make me feel a lot better if you’d let me walk you to your car.”

With a downward jerk of my chin, I responded, “Sure. Thank you.”

The four of us made our way through the main bar area and out of Lou’s. Luke and I said goodbye to Monroe and Stone before he walked me to my car.

“Thanks for seeing me to my car safely.”

“No thanks needed, Nikki,” he started. “Are you okay?”

I wouldn’t lie to him.

I bit the inside of my cheek and slowly moved my head from side to side all the while finding it extremely difficult to maintain eye contact with him.

“Can you keep it together long enough to drive yourself home?”

“Yeah,” I squeaked out.

“Okay,” he began as he opened my door. “If that changes, you’ll stop and call me?”

I folded into the car and turned it on. Luke closed my door and waited by the car while I put my seatbelt on and pulled out of the parking space. I gave him a wave and drove off.

My drive home was longer than usual. I was so focused on keeping it together that maintaining the speed limit became difficult at times. When I arrived back at the condo, I parked and quickly went inside.

I couldn’t have been inside more than thirty seconds when there was a knock at the door. Cracking the door open, I saw that Luke was standing on the other side.

“What are you doing here?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever driven so slow in all my life,” he began. “Then, I get here and park and you practically run inside.”

My mind was trying to process the fact that he was here, so I wasn’t paying much attention to what he was saying.

“Are you going to let me in?” he asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I snapped out of it and stepped back to allow him to come in, even though I still had no idea what he was doing there.

After I closed the door and we walked into the family room, I repeated, “What are you doing here?”

“You’re going to break down tonight and, as your friend, I’m not going to let you be alone when that happens.”

My nose immediately began to sting. I dropped my gaze to the ground and brought my fingers up to pinch the bridge of my nose, hoping it would help stave off the emotional upheaval that was about to ensue.

What was wrong with me?

“Come here, babe.”

His voice was so soft and gentle. It comforted me and made me want to do what he said.

I stepped toward him with my head still down and he immediately wrapped me up in his arms. I gave myself about twenty seconds to inhale his scent and feel his body against mine before I lost control. Luke’s arms only grew tighter around me.

He held me like that for a long time until he decided to bend down and wrap an arm behind my knees. Holding me in his arms like I weighed no more than a feather, Luke walked us to the couch where he settled me in his lap.

I cried a bit longer, but eventually began to settle on thoughts about what was happening at that very moment. This was such an unusual experience for me. Typically, I was the one comforting those breaking down in front of me. I wasn’t the one who cried; yet, somehow, here I was.

Several minutes after I had quieted down, Luke’s gentle voice filled the room.

“Do you want to tell me why this is hitting you so hard?”

My cheek was pressed to his chest and while one of his arms rested across my thighs, the hand on his other arm was running through my hair, paying special attention to my scalp. I’m not sure if the comfort this gesture brought me was the reason or not, but something allowed me to spill some of my thoughts to Luke.

“I know why I’m upset, but I don’t know why I’m reacting like this. I’m the tough one, so I don’t usually lose it like this. In fact, I feel like I’ve cried more in the last three weeks than I have in the last year.”

I felt Luke’s body get tense underneath me. He quickly recovered and declared, “Well, let’s start with why you’re upset and we’ll see if we can figure out the rest of it from there.”

I took a deep swallow and confessed, “I don’t like when people I love are hurting. With someone stalking Elle, she’s obviously scared and upset. That bothers me a lot as it is for obvious reasons, but what bothers me even more is what will happen to Charley if something happens to Elle.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know she’s not the only one who’d be affected if something bad came Elle’s way, but Charley has no biological family left. When she met Wes, he gave her something that she’d been missing out on for years. She’s always had Emme, Monroe, and me, but it’s not the same. Elle has become like a sister to Charley. I don’t think she could handle losing another person she considers to be her family.”

“Nikki, babe, this doesn’t add up.”

I pulled my head back from his body to look at him. “What?”

“I get that you love Charley and care a great deal about what happens to her, but your reaction to finding out that Elle has a stalker and worrying about how it’ll affect Charley doesn’t add up to breaking down like you just did. This is about something else.”

I couldn’t tell him the truth. At least, I couldn’t tell him the full truth. I wasn’t going to give up that part of myself. I wouldn’t tell him that I related to Charley in so many ways, that I knew what it was like to have no family there for you.

“I don’t like seeing my friends in pain,” I insisted. “I hate when they get hurt.”

“And what about you?” he asked.

“What about me?” I countered.

“What happens when you’re hurting?”

“I’ve learned not to put myself in positions where that can happen.”

His face softened along with his voice when he asked, “Is that because someone hurt you before?”

I was not doing this.

But I didn’t want to be rude. Luke just held me through a minor breakdown, so I figured it was best to be nice.

I sighed. “That’s a conversation for another time, Luke.”

His eyes warmed, which was unexpected, and his face softened even further. Eventually, he acquiesced, “Okay, another time.”

I felt compelled to let him know how much I appreciated what he had just done. “Thank you for being here for me tonight.”

“You should know, I’ll always be here when you need me.”

At those words, my mood shifted from anxious to somber. I shifted my body off his, but he didn’t let me get too far away before he stopped my movements. I silently questioned him as my brows knitted together.

“Put your head in my lap and relax.”

“Luke,” I began to protest.

“Please give me this, Nikki.” His pleading voice was strained. “Let me take care of you tonight.”

I’d never heard such raw emotion in his voice. I couldn’t say no, so I stretched my body out on the couch and rested my head in his lap. His hand immediately went to my hair while his other arm draped over my body just below my breasts.

My eyes found his as his hand stroked through the hair on my head. It was nice. Within minutes, I felt my eyelids grow heavy. I tried to fight to stay awake, but I couldn’t. I was too exhausted. In fact, I was so tired that I was sure I started dreaming. Luke was in my dream, cradling my head in his lap and stroking my hair.

He was doing that, providing me with comfort I hadn’t had since before my dad left, when I heard him say with such determination it felt like a promise, “I’m going to put you back together, baby girl.”

Even though it was odd, and likely because I was dreaming, I accepted his promise and whispered, “It won’t be easy.”

“You’ll be worth it.”

The next morning, I woke up alone, tucked in my bed. I realized that Luke must have brought me to my bedroom last night, where it seemed he took the liberty to make me comfortable. He removed my shoes, jeans, shirt, and bra, but left me in a camisole and panties.

For a brief moment, I allowed myself to recall the dream I had. In bringing that to the forefront of my mind, I realized just how much I wished it were true. I wished someone would have the determination to put me back together knowing it wouldn’t be easy, but still believing I’d be worth it.