“Have you spoken to Manic?” Trix asked, handing me a drink.
We were in the living room at Cassy and Cal’s ranch, and it’d been several days since I sent Manic away. It felt like weeks, months, since I’d seen him.
Leaving the cottage was the last thing I’d wanted to do, but Eves and Lila had come to my place and told me I was going with them, no arguments. So here I was.
I sipped my drink, needing the courage. “We text, but I haven’t actually spoken to him or seen him.” Every morning, I got a text saying, morning, baby. And in the evening, he’d tell me about his day and tell me good night. He didn’t ask me questions, never demanding a response, just letting me know he was there without any pressure.
I cried every time.
Eves wrapped her arm around my shoulders. “Whatever you need, you know we’re here for you. Anything at all.”
I didn’t have to tell them that my heart was broken, or that I wished I wasn’t like this, that I felt sick with guilt for hurting Manic, or that I missed him so much, it physically hurt—because they just knew.
They didn’t try to offer solutions or platitudes or judgment. They supported me unconditionally. Loved me unconditionally. I didn’t know why I could be close to them right now and not Manic. Maybe because I met them before losing Macy, before I fell back into the dark place I was now.
“I saw my therapist yesterday,” I said. “It felt good to talk things through. She helps me get everything sorted out in my head, you know?” I glanced at Lila. “Has Riff said anything about Manic? Is he okay?”
“Manic’s a big boy, Adds. I know it’s hard, but you need to focus on you,” Lila said. “He’ll be fine. He only wants what’s best for you.”
I hugged myself. “He’s not angry with me?”
“No,” Lila said. “He cares about you.”
Her words struck like a dagger to the heart, and there was no holding back my wince. “God, I miss him.”
“I know,” Cassy said, her eyes full of sympathy and understanding. “But you need to take care of you first.” If anyone could relate, it was Cassy. She’d lost her brother in a horrific car accident and had been injured herself trying to save him.
These women knew all my secrets, and I knew they’d been worried about me. “I hadn’t planned on going away with Manic. Things just snowballed from there. I never meant for any of this to happen, but I’ve never met anyone like him.”
“So he really kidnapped you?” Lila said, her soft chuckle making me smile.
“Yeah. I woke up halfway to Colorado. It was insane.” My belly flipped. “He’s kind of amazing.”
Their faces brightened.
I bit my lip and my eyes stung. “But as soon as he mentioned me wearing his property patch, everything in me seized. I have all this…god, this fear. I thought I had things under control.” I shook my head. “Noah came in to see me the other day, and a lot of feelings came rushing back, my fear of getting close to people, that I’ll lose them, too.”
“Did you talk to Manic about it?”
“Yeah.” I took another sip of my drink. “He said he’d wait for me.”
Eves took my hand. “Then he meant it.”
Oh, I knew he did. The question was, if he did come back when I was finally ready, would he want to stay? What if this happened again? Sometimes, I sunk so deep that it was hard to see a way out. “It’s a lot to lay on someone, you know?”
“So you’re holding back from him,” Trix said.
“We’ve only been together such a short time,” I said almost desperately.
“But you’ve known him for a hell of a lot longer than that. You guys have been friends all this time. Granted, you were friends who wanted to screw each other’s brains out, but I saw the way you two would get wrapped up in each other. Everyone would be partying around you, and the pair of you would be deep in conversation, totally lost in each other,” Lila said.
She was right. I’d wanted him, cared about him for a lot longer than a couple months. God, I didn’t want to live like this.
“You need to be honest with him, Adds, don’t hold back. The guy’s got broad shoulders, he can take it,” Quinn said and softened what she’d said by topping off my glass.
“Yeah, I know. I guess I just wanted a couple more weeks of the bubble we were in. One where he doesn’t look at me with pity or concern. Or I’m triggered by him being sweet to me or mentioning a future together. I don’t want him forced to look after me when I fall apart.” My throat tightened. “I don’t want that.” I looked up at them. “What if it happens again, and he decides it’s too much, anyway?” I wouldn’t think any less of him if he did. Having a girlfriend who had panic attacks or shut down completely was a lot for anyone.
“That’s not Manic,” Eves said.
I couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t slept properly since I asked Manic to leave. Four nights had passed since I had drinks with my girls, and their words of wisdom were flying around my head.
I missed Manic. Feeling his arms around me, the comforting sound of his breathing, the way he’d talk softly to me after we’d had sex and were snuggling.
I just missed him.
Flinging off the covers, I climbed out of bed and pulled on my jacket. I told myself I didn’t know where I was going, that I’d drive around for a while and clear my head, but a short time later, I was driving by his place.
The lights were out, but his truck was parked out front.
I did another loop around the block and drove by a second time. He’d given me a key to his place not long after we got back, and it was burning a hole in my jacket pocket. I couldn’t just go in there, could I?
He said he was there if I needed him, right? And I couldn’t sleep, not without him beside me. God, tonight, I couldn’t breathe.
The next time I swung around the block, I stopped outside his house and turned off the engine. This was a terrible idea. But my hand was already on the handle, pushing the door open, and before I could think about it, I was rushing up the path to his front door. I didn’t knock. I pulled his keys from my pocket and opened the door, slipping inside, heart in my throat, and headed down the hall to his room.
It was quiet, and when I pushed the door open, I could see him lying there, the moonlight filtering through the half-open curtains.
He was awake, his eyes glinting in the shadowy room.
My mouth was dry and my knees felt weak at finally seeing him. I’d spent seven nights without him, seven endless nights. My mouth opened, then closed, struggling to find the words. “I can’t sleep,” I whispered, not knowing what else to say. I was there for the comfort only Manic could give me, but selfishly, I couldn’t offer him anything else. Not yet.
Without a word, he lifted the covers and held out his hand.
I slipped off my jacket and scrambled in, and he pulled me into his arms. The heat of his skin soaked into me instantly, the sound of his even breaths, the way he smelled soothed me like nothing else. My heart stopped racing and so did my mind.
I closed my eyes—and passed out.
Manic
Addie was gone before I woke, but that was okay.
I hated it, but yeah, it was okay because she’d come to me when she’d needed me. And after a week without her, I was happy for whatever she’d give me. I’d do anything to make this easier on her. Christ, my girl had been exhausted. She’d passed out as soon as I had her in my arms.
The next night, she came back again, coming to me in the dark, and clung to me. I didn’t try for more, and she didn’t ask for it, so I gave her what she needed.
I’d become her anchor while she found her feet. I would always be that for her, and I hoped her coming to me like she was meant she’d started to realize that as well.
Until she was ready for more—I’d be whatever she needed me to be.
I’d let her take the parts of me she could handle.
I’d hold her steady until she could do it for herself.