Kara had been sitting on her condo’s roof for an hour before Matt found her there. She was lying on a blanket she’d pulled out of her closet and staring at the night sky, listening to the ocean waves and trying to figure out why she was so miserable.
He sat next to her. She didn’t say anything, but she liked having him there with her.
What could she say? She didn’t know what she was going to do with her life. She wished she’d brought up a six-pack, but she hadn’t thought to, and then she didn’t want to leave the comfort of her roof.
Finally, she said, “Lex told me I could come back. Detective, promotion, any precinct I wanted. No undercover work, but I can pick my squad. Narcotics, Homicide, Property, whatever.”
Matt didn’t say anything.
“I quit.”
When he still didn’t say anything, Kara said, “I blew it.”
“You didn’t do anything, Kara. None of what happened this week had anything to do with you.”
“Not that. Fuck—I’m always ready to take the blame when things go sideways, but this is the one time that none of it was my fault. But—I quit. I’m not a cop anymore. I’m not an FBI agent.”
“You will always have a job with me.”
“I don’t know if I have it in me, Matt. I don’t deal well with FBI bureaucracy, I don’t want to go through the FBI academy—and I don’t even know if they’d accept me, even with you helping to smooth the way. I recognize that I got in through a back door this last year—but I’ve been really lucky. I don’t handle office politics well, and I don’t really like a lot of people. A lot fewer now than last week.”
She wasn’t angry. Oh, she had been angry. She had never been so mad in her life. Now she was...heartbroken. Just...so deeply hurt she didn’t know how she was going to crawl out of this pit.
“I have been worried for months that I wouldn’t be able to come back to my old job. That because of Chen and everything else that had been going on at the beginning of the year I wouldn’t have a job anymore. It terrified me to lose it, thinking I was nothing without it. This—this is ten times worse. I trusted them. Elena. Lex. And especially Colton. I trusted all of them.”
Her voice cracked and tears fell. She hated that. She didn’t want to give any of them tears. They didn’t deserve it.
But maybe she did. The loss she felt was so big, so vast, she didn’t know if she’d ever get over this betrayal.
Matt wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her against his side. She turned her face into his chest and closed her eyes, trying not to sob, silent tears streaming, soaking into his shirt.
Kara didn’t want to need Matt, she didn’t want to need anyone, but right now she was so grateful that he was here with her. What had she thought before? That Matt was the man who was behind her, in front of her, at her side. She wanted him...but she didn’t want to want him. Everything had changed—she had changed—and she didn’t know what the future held for her, for Matt, for them.
But in this moment, she needed him.
She had never needed anyone before in her life, not like this.
Matt pulled her face to his and kissed her. His lips, his tongue, his touch. He held her to him as his mouth clung to hers. They sat there on the roof, under the stars, the waves crashing in the distance, two different songs coming at them from two different directions, and he held her.
When she could breathe again, she looked at him. The intensity and love on his face almost undid her. What could she offer this man? She had done everything in her power to keep him at a distance, but he kept coming back to her. Making her a whole person.
She didn’t know what to think about that revelation, didn’t want to think too hard on it. But she didn’t want to let him go.
She feared she would have no other choice.
Matt reached into his pocket and without a word handed her a familiar object.
Her LAPD badge.
“Matt—I—”
He kissed her. “I talked to Lieutenant Gomez this afternoon. Then we went to the chief of police.”
“I don’t want—can’t—work here.”
“No. You can’t. You deserve better. But, you’re right, there are hurdles you would have to jump through to be an FBI agent. Hurdles that are there for a reason, and I believe in them, but I also know that sometimes those same hurdles keep good people out. If you want to stay on my team, your slot is there. I already talked to Tony, and he’s completely on board. Same agreement. You work for LAPD, on permanent loan to the FBI. They pay you—in fact, they’re giving you a raise—and you keep your badge and your promotion.”
Kara stared at her badge. Closed her eyes. “Matt—”
“Don’t say no. Please.”
“I wasn’t going to.” She smiled. “I didn’t think this was an option. I thought—I don’t know. I didn’t know what I was going to do. But this feels right. This feels like where I need to be.”
“You earned it, Kara. You are a good cop, and my team is better because you’re on it. I also talked to Sloane tonight. Brian Granderson offered her a job with his team, but she declined. She asked to be assigned to Montana, where her family is. I offered her a job on our team. She’s going to think about it. I don’t think she was expecting the offer, but I hope she takes it. I even sweetened the pot with a promise she can commute from Montana.”
“Commute? How would that work?”
“She’d be on our team, but deploy out of the Montana office. I think she’ll take it.”
“Good.”
“You like her?”
“Yeah, I do. She’s different than all of us, sees things from a different perspective, and she’s calm, like Ryder. It’s all good.”
“I agree.”
They sat holding hands and it felt so right.
“Kara, I’m a better cop and a better man with you as a partner—working and off duty. I love you. I know you don’t like to hear it, but I do.”
She looked over and thought she saw a gleam of moisture in his eyes, then it was gone.
She kissed him. “I’m going to sell my condo. I don’t know that I can come back...and I want to find a place on the East Coast.”
“You’ll always have a place with me.”
“I know. And maybe...someday...but I need my own space right now. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
He stiffened, tightened his grip on her. “What?”
She didn’t realize what she’d said until the words came out.
“I don’t know what love is, Matt. I’ve never had anything like this before. But earlier, as I sat here and thought I would be saying goodbye to you? It hurt. I’ve never felt that loss, that emptiness. And when you gave me my position back, the emptiness filled with joy. More than joy. Not just because I have the job—that’s part of it—but mostly, because I don’t have to leave you.”
He kissed her, all over her face, her neck, held her tight against him. “Dear God, Kara, I love you. Get your own place, I don’t care, I know you need your space. I’ll take what you can give, and hopefully, over time, you’ll give me all.”
“I’ll give you a key,” she said with a half smile. “And maybe a drawer.”
She got up, a bit awkwardly, and held out her hand. “We need to go to bed. I may not say I love you a lot, but I know how to show you.”
“You’ve never said you love me.”
She looked at him and realized he was nervous. That was so not Matt, those kind of nerves. “Well, I guess I do love you.” Her voice cracked and she laughed. Matt wasn’t the only one who was nervous.
“Does anyone come up here?”
She shrugged. “Not often.”
He pulled her back down to the blanket they’d been sitting on. “I’m willing to risk it.”
She grinned, kissed him. “I love it when you break the rules, Mathias Costa.”