2
The advice I used to give couples earlier in my career was pretty much what you’d hear from virtually any marital therapist at the time—nothing but the same old pointers about
conflict resolution and
communication skills. But after looking squarely at my own data, I had to face the harsh facts: getting couples to disagree more “nicely” might reduce their stress levels while they argued, but frequently it wasn’t enough to pump life back into their marriages.
The right course for these couples became clear only after I analyzed the interactions of spouses whose marriages sailed smoothly through troubled waters. Why was it that these marriages worked so well? Were these master couples more intelligent and stable, or simply more fortunate than the rest? Could whatever they had be taught to others?
It soon became apparent that these happy marriages were never perfect unions. Some couples who said they were very satisfied with each other still had significant differences in temperament, interests, and family values. Conflict was not infrequent. They argued, just as the unhappy couples did, over money, jobs, kids, housekeeping, sex, and in-laws. The mystery was how they
so adroitly navigated their way through these difficulties and kept their marriages happy and stable.
It took studying hundreds of couples to uncover the secrets of these
emotionally intelligent marriages. No two marriages are the same, but the more closely my research team and I looked at happy marriages, the more evident it became that they were alike in seven telltale ways. Happily married couples may not be aware that they follow these
Seven Principles, but they all do. Unhappy marriages always came up short in at least one of these seven areas—and usually in many of them. By mastering these Seven Principles, you can ensure that your own marriage will thrive. You’ll learn to identify which of these components are weak spots, or potential weak spots, in your relationship, and to focus your attention where you most need it. In the chapters ahead, we’ll fill you in on all the secrets to maintaining (or regaining) a happy marriage, and hold your hand as you apply the techniques to your own relationship.
At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a
mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.
Take the case of hardworking Nathaniel, who is employed by an import business and works very long hours. In another marriage, his schedule might be a major liability. But he and his wife, Olivia, have found ways to stay connected. They talk or text frequently throughout the day. When she has a doctor’s appointment, he remembers to call to see how it went. When he has a meeting with an important client, she’ll check in to see how it fared. When
they have chicken for dinner, she gives him drumsticks because she knows he likes them best. When he makes blueberry pancakes for the kids on Saturday morning, he’ll leave the blueberries out of hers because he knows she doesn’t like them. Although he’s not religious, he accompanies her to church each Sunday because it’s important to her. And although she’s not crazy about spending a lot of time with their relatives, she has pursued a friendship with Nathaniel’s mother and sisters because family matters so much to him.
If all of this sounds humdrum and unromantic, it’s anything but. In small but important ways, Olivia and Nathaniel are maintaining the friendship that is the foundation of their love. As a result, they have a marriage that is far more passionate than do couples who punctuate their lives together with romantic vacations and lavish anniversary gifts but have fallen out of touch in their daily lives.
Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse. Because Nathaniel and Olivia have kept their friendship strong despite the inevitable disagreements and irritations of married life, they are experiencing what is known technically as “positive sentiment override,” or PSO, a concept first proposed by University of Oregon psychologist
Robert Weiss. This means that their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings. It takes a much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple than it would otherwise. Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other and their marriage, to have positive expectations about their lives together, and to give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Here’s a simple example. Olivia and Nathaniel are getting ready to host a dinner party. Nathaniel calls, “Where are the napkins?” and Olivia yells back edgily, “They’re in the cupboard!” Because their marriage is founded on a firm friendship, he shrugs off her tone of voice and focuses instead on the information Olivia has given him—that the napkins are in the cupboard. He attributes
her
anger to some fleeting problem that has nothing to do with him—like she’s feeling time-pressured and can’t get the cork out of the wine bottle. However, if their marriage were troubled, he would be more likely to sulk or yell back, “Never mind,
you get them!”
One way of looking at this positive override is similar to the “set point” approach to weight loss. According to this popular theory, the body has a “set” weight that it tries to maintain. Thanks to homeostasis, no matter how much or how little you diet, your body has a strong tendency to hover at that weight. Only by resetting your body’s metabolism (say, by exercising regularly) can dieting really help you lose pounds for good. In a marriage, positivity and negativity operate similarly. Once your marriage gets “set” at a high degree of positivity, it will take far more negativity to harm your relationship than if your “set point” were lower. And if your relationship becomes overwhelmingly negative, it will be more difficult to repair.
Most marriages start off with such a high set point that it’s hard for either partner to imagine their relationship derailing. But far too often this blissful state doesn’t last. Over time, irritation, resentment, and anger build to the point that the friendship becomes more and more of an abstraction. The couple may pay lip service to it, but it is no longer their daily reality. Eventually they end up in “negative sentiment override.” Everything gets interpreted in an increasingly negative manner. Words said in a neutral tone of voice are taken personally. The husband says, “You’re not supposed to run the microwave without any food in it.” The wife sees this as an attack, so she says something like, “Don’t tell me what to do. I’m the one who actually reads manuals!” Another battle begins.
In the years since this book was first published, my colleagues and I have thoroughly explored the anatomy of marital friendship and furthered our understanding of why it is so critical to relationship
success. The positive feelings that engulf happy couples such as Nathaniel and Olivia come courtesy of their mutual understanding of each other on a core emotional level. I call this connection
attunement. The more highly skilled at achieving it that partners become, the more resilient their friendship and the more solid and promising their future. Some couples are naturals at attunement. But others (most of us!) need to work at it somewhat. It is well worth the effort.
As partners increasingly come to know and bond with each other, they build what I call their
Sound Relationship House. The
Seven Principles comprise the Sound Relationship House’s many floors or levels. These principles are intricately connected to
trust and commitment, which form the house’s protective, weight-bearing walls.
The importance of trust and commitment to success in love seems so self-evident that you might assume that studying these qualities scientifically would be of little added benefit. But it turns out that is not the case. Thanks to the
Love Lab’s data, I’ve been able to dissect what it really means to commit to a partner and relationship. In fact, using the precepts of
Game Theory (a well-known mathematical approach to analyzing conflict) I’ve been able to develop formulas that can determine whether partners have a high trust level or are likely to face infidelity of some sort in the future. (Our book
What Makes Love Last? delves deeply into this research on trust and deceit and how to prevent or recover from
cheating.) Among these equations is what I call a couple’s
trust metric—an indication of the partners’ faith in each other.
Imagine two couples who are assessed in the Love Lab as newlyweds. At first glance, they seem equally adept at building a Sound Relationship House. But when my team codes and analyzes the nitty-gritty of their conversations, the results expose striking differences. At the positive end of the spectrum are Dennis and Jackie. Like Nathaniel and Olivia, they already appear to be experts at having a long-term relationship. They assume the best about each other and their relationship. They are able to acknowledge each other’s perspective, at least to some extent, even when they strongly disagree. When they review a videotape of themselves
interacting in the lab, they each report feeling distressed when the other seems unhappy or hurt. Their biological readouts of
heart rate,
blood pressure, etc., confirm this. Their happiness is contingent on their partner’s feelings. They are attuned to each other’s emotions, share an abiding
empathy, and have a high degree of trust. When I do the math, this couple’s trust metric is in the upper reaches. In all, they are doing an excellent job of building their Sound Relationship House.
At the other end of the newlywed trust spectrum we find Tina and Matt. Unlike Dennis and Jackie, these two are really struggling with emotional connection and
commitment. While conversing in the Love Lab, they demonstrate a lack of mutual understanding or faith in their relationship. Tina’s moods are not at all linked to her husband’s emotions. For example, she rates her feelings as “neutral” when he expresses regret over not getting a promotion at work. Nor do her bio readouts point to signs of increased stress, such as elevated blood pressure or heart rate. Her husband’s reactions display a similar disconnection to her feelings. Clearly, this couple has a low trust metric. If nothing between them changes, their ability to share a rich emotional and sexual life will be greatly hampered. They will also be far less able to extricate themselves from arguments and other negative interactions.
It’s no surprise to find that Tina and Matt’s marriage is marked by
negative sentiment override, which will interfere with their ability to build a mutually supportive relationship. In fact, they assume the worst about each other to such a pervasive degree that they become trapped in an absorbing state of negativity that I call the
Roach Motel for Lovers. This horrible place is marked by endless conflict and bad feelings. Couples “check in” to it and then discover they can’t get out. When couples become trapped in the Roach Motel, they each come to believe that their partner must be fundamentally selfish. Their minds fill with thoughts like, “He doesn’t care how I feel” and “All that matters to her is getting her way.” Each becomes increasingly convinced that the other isn’t on their side and doesn’t have their back. The relationship devolves into a zero-sum game in which one partner’s victory is perceived as the other’s defeat. In the presence of this chronic distrust, the
sense of safety vanishes. The Sound Relationship House cannot stand. The walls are ripped apart, leaving the relationship unguarded from the lure of outside forces.
What does the future hold for Tina and Matt? Without intervention they are likely headed for
betrayal. Although we tend to think of infidelity in sexual terms, an extramarital physical affair is only one type of disloyalty that threatens a couple once their Sound Relationship House falls. Betrayal is, fundamentally, any act or life choice that doesn’t prioritize the commitment and put the partner “before all others.” Nonsexual betrayals can devastate a relationship as thoroughly as a sexual affair. Some common forms of deceit include being emotionally distant, siding with a parent against one’s mate, disrespecting the partner, and breaking significant promises. The truth is that most of us are guilty of faithlessness from time to time. But when either spouse consistently shortchanges the marriage, danger follows. In fact, the
Love Lab research indicates that
betrayal lies at the heart of every failed relationship.
Most couples are neither as stuck in distrust as Matt and Tina nor as masterful at living together as Dennis and Jackie. The majority of long-term relationships fall somewhere between these two extremes. That’s good news because it means partners don’t have to achieve a perfect relationship to succeed at love. The key is learning how to better attune to each other and make friendship a top priority. As the
Seven Principles guide you in moving toward these goals, you’re likely to notice an improvement in the quality of your day-to-day interactions. While you may still disagree, your conflicts will become far less destructive. There’s a specific reason why this occurs, and it is one of the most important of the Love Lab’s findings.
Rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship doesn’t prevent couples from arguing, but it does give them a secret weapon that ensures their quarrels don’t get out of hand. For example, here’s what happens
when Olivia and Nathaniel disagree. As they plan to move from the city to the suburbs, tensions between them are high. Although they see eye to eye on which condo to choose and how to decorate it, they are locking horns over buying a new car. Olivia thinks they should join the suburban masses and opt for a minivan. To Nathaniel nothing could be drearier—he wants a Jeep. The more they talk about it, the higher the decibel level gets. If you were a fly on the wall of their bedroom, you would have serious doubts about their future together. Then all of a sudden, Olivia puts her hands on her hips and, in perfect imitation of their four-year-old son, sticks out her tongue. Since Nathaniel knows that she’s about to do this, he sticks out his tongue first. Then they both start laughing. As always, this silly contest defuses the tension between them.
In our research, we have a technical name for what Olivia and Nathaniel are doing. We say they are using a
repair attempt. This term refers to any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. Repair attempts are a secret weapon of
emotionally intelligent couples—even though many of these couples aren’t aware that they are employing something so powerful. When a couple have a strong friendship, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way. But when couples are in negative override, even a repair attempt as blunt as “Hey, I’m sorry” may have a low success rate.
The success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage is likely to flourish or flounder. And again, what determines the success of their repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship. If this sounds simplistic or obvious, you’ll find in the pages ahead that it is not. Strengthening your marital friendship isn’t as basic as just being “nice.” Even if you feel that your friendship is already quite solid, you may be surprised to find there is room to strengthen it all the more. Most of the couples who participate in our workshops are relieved to hear that almost everybody messes up during marital conflict. What matters is whether their repairs succeed.
In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don’t just “get along”—they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together. That is really what I mean when I talk about honoring and respecting each other. Very often a marriage’s failure to do this is what causes husband and wife to find themselves in endless, useless rounds of argument or to feel isolated and lonely in their marriage. After watching countless videotapes of couples fighting, I can guarantee you that most quarrels are really not about whether the toilet lid is up or down or whose turn it is to take out the trash. There are deeper, hidden issues that fuel these superficial conflicts and make them far more intense and hurtful than they would otherwise be.
Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. Instead, they need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict—and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. Only then will they be able to build shared meaning and a sense of purpose into their marriage.
It used to be that couples could achieve this goal only through their own insight, instinct, or blessed luck. But now the
Seven Principles make the secrets of marital success available to
all couples. No matter what the current state of your relationship, following these Seven Principles can lead to dramatic, positive change.
The first step toward improving or enhancing your marriage is to understand what happens when the Seven Principles are
not followed. This has been well documented by extensive research into couples who were not able to save their marriages. Learning
about the failures can prevent your marriage from making the same mistakes—or rescue it if it already has made them. Once you come to understand why some marriages fail, and how the Seven Principles could prevent such tragedies, you’ll be on the way to improving your own marriage forever.