When we sat down to write the first edition of this book, we were excited to share the results of laboratory research into relationships but we knew we’d face some skepticism. Could scientific study of something as intangible, idiosyncratic, and personal as romantic love deliver useful advice to couples in the real world? Well, more than fifteen years and millions of readers later we are happy to report that The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has done just that. Countless readers across the globe tell us that the book’s strategies have enhanced, shielded, or saved their relationship. We have received thank-yous from every imaginable type of couple, including newlyweds, traditional spouses, two-career partners, devoutly religious spouses, military couples, cohabitants, same-sex partners, not-yet-marrieds, divorced people looking toward the future, and counselors who work with all of the above.
It is a great source of satisfaction and pride that we have been able to help so many people. We’re also gratified that research continues to confirm what these readers consistently tell us: The Seven Principles can have a powerfully positive effect on your relationship. In fact, a randomized clinical study by John and his coresearchers (Julia Babcock, Kim Ryan, and Julie Gottman) found that married couples who simply read The Seven Principles and worked through the quizzes and exercises on their own (but received no additional professional aid) were significantly happier in their relationship, and these effects lasted when assessed a year later. Simply reading this book proved so successful that it actually bollixed the research: the original experiment had been designed to use these “book-only” couples as a control group to test marital therapy techniques!
Considering the current book’s great track record, you may
wonder why we’ve chosen to revise it. The answer is simple: John’s research and work with couples have progressed since he first “crunched the numbers” on what makes marriages thrive and how to predict and prevent divorce. There are now forty-two years of longitudinal data on the importance of marital friendship. There is also a growing body of statistics on marital outcomes among diverse populations, including low-income families, partners who have recently become parents, same-sex couples, and those from diverse ethnic backgrounds. This work has confirmed the universality of the Seven Principles and advanced our understanding of why they are so powerful and how couples can best utilize them.
Perhaps most notably, in the years since The Seven Principles was first published, John and his wife, therapist Dr. Julie Gottman, have put these research findings to work through the Gottman Institute. This organization offers direct support to couples through seminars and therapy and also trains professionals in providing counseling based on John’s research. Thanks to the Institute, classes on the Seven Principles are taught worldwide. The Institute’s therapeutic and educational work has a synergetic relationship with laboratory research—it both benefits from the scientific findings and helps the Gottmans apply the theory to couples in need. A growing body of controlled studies has demonstrated the positive impact of this approach. For example, in a randomized clinical trial, unhappy couples who participated in a combination of Gottman workshops on conflict resolution and marital friendship, in conjunction with nine sessions of Gottman Method Couples Therapy based on The Seven Principles, showed the greatest lasting benefit and least relapse when assessed a year later.
Another area of great success for the Gottman Institute has been in supporting couples after the birth of their first child, a stressful time in most marriages. (About 67 percent of couples experience a large drop in marital satisfaction in the three years after the birth of their first baby.) The Bringing Baby Home workshop uses the Seven Principles approach to address the specific concerns of new parents. In a randomized clinical trial, unhappy couples who participated in the two-day program significantly reversed
the drop in their marital satisfaction. The program also reduced postpartum depression and hostility between spouses, and improved both of the parents’ interaction with the baby and the child’s emotional and language development. Hospital-based studies in Australia and Iceland have shown similar results.
This new edition is an opportunity to share with readers all that we have learned from the Love Lab and the Gottman Institute’s work. Throughout, you’ll find clarifications and important additions and revisions that address the pressures and tensions that modern couples face. We’ve also expanded and updated the interactive nature of The Seven Principles: For each Principle you’ll find questionnaires (with high reliability and validity) so you can assess its status in your own relationship, and new or revised exercises to enhance it. The exercises have been thoroughly vetted by numerous participants in the Gottman Institute’s workshops and those in couples therapy with Institute-trained practitioners.
One of the strengths of The Seven Principles approach is its versatility in addressing all stages of a relationship. This book is for you if you’re single and looking to “road test” your relationship before making a permanent commitment. It is also for you if you’ve already committed and want to bolster and protect what you have. If you and your partner are facing dramatic life changes or challenges, The Seven Principles will help you keep connected. Following the guidance in the pages ahead may also rescue a marriage that is already in deep danger.
Of course, no relationship guide can salvage every marriage, nor is it true that every match “should” be saved. Sometimes negativity and betrayal so consume a relationship that it has really already died by the time the couple seek support. But the right form of assistance can repair far more relationships and offer a greater degree of hope than the divorce statistics would suggest. Anyone who works with or studies couples is left humbled and awed by the tenacity, resourcefulness, and grit of people who love each other and are determined to make their marriages work. We wrote this book to be a fitting companion for their journey.
Much has changed in the fifteen-plus years since the arrival
of the first edition of
The Seven Principles, but one fact has held constant: a romantic and sexual long-term committed relationship with another human remains the greatest gift life can offer. We hope this new edition of
The Seven Principles safeguards and strengthens your relationship—and helps you add purpose and meaning to the life you build together.