Nick checked the clock, again. 5:47...5:48. Should he stay or should he go? The song ran on loop through his head as he debated. Although the fact that he’d unpacked both his good dress shirt and his iron would suggest that he had, indeed, made up his mind, he sat perched on the arm of his couch watching the minutes tick by on the clock, anxiety building in his chest. He’d holed up in the new apartment, unpacking, getting phone & Internet installed, organizing his rather sparse belongings into military efficiency. But most importantly, he’d been alone, blissfully alone.
"I'm good at alone.” He got up and paced towards the door and back again.
He was hiding, but he also hadn’t had a panic attack in three days. He’d still had flashbacks and woken in a cold sweat each night. Still, the solitude had helped during the daylight hours.
He couldn’t hide forever, but was a dinner party with complete strangers really the best way for him to re-enter the outside world? What if he spaced out in a memory, or got angry, or worse because of something they inadvertently said or did? What if he ruined his chance at building a home in this building because he wasn’t ready? What if he ruined his chance of befriending his neighbors because he turned down their first overture? Damn! Nick took a few calming breaths, trying to force the panic licking at the back of his throat back into submission.
“I’m just going to go. It’s just dinner. I can do this. I will do this. I can always leave.” Checking the clock one last time, 5:56, he pushed away from the couch and yanked open the door and strode into the hallway.
“Aaaaaaa!” Dani screamed, bobbling the coconut cream cake she held precariously on a glass pedestal. Nick flattened himself back against the wall, and struggled to breathe. She looked at him, wide-eyed and expectant. Words. He needed to use them, and fast, or she’d think he was some kind of idiot who liked scaring people.
“Sorry! Didn’t want to be late. You OK? Can I carry that?”
“No, thanks. I’ve got it now. Are you heading to Mrs. Grady’s, too?”
“Yeah. I figured it wouldn’t do to say no to my first official invite.”
“You mean summons? Don’t worry. It's better to get it over with. She’d just have hounded you until you gave in. She’s got thick skin.”
They continued in silence down the hallway, Nick aware that Dani kept sneaking glances his way.
Nick turned to meet her gaze, raising his eyebrow when he caught her.
“Do I have something on my shirt?”
Dani blushed and flashed him a sunny smile. He was coming to enjoy seeing the rosy tinge brighten her face, and that smile still made him feel tongue-tied. He was in serious trouble. Thankfully, she angled past him to knock on Mrs. Grady’s door, saving him from doing something rash.
“Hi, Mrs. Grady! Look who I ran into on the way over.”
“Hello, hello! Come on in. You must be Nick. I’m Patricia Grady, but call me Patty please. And Sunny! I’m so glad you were able to come! It’s about time you started calling me Patty, too, young lady,” she added with a pointed glance in Dani’s direction. “I’m so glad you changed your mind.”
Pulling the younger woman into a tight one-armed hug, she murmured, “I can see why!” Nick overheard her not-so-muffled comment and was manfully trying not to smirk, as Patty turned back to him. “Well, young man. Welcome to the building! We hope you’ll enjoy your time with us. We’re a rather close group, more of family really, so if you need anything, anything at all, you’ve only to ask.”
“Thank you, ma’am. I appreciate the offer and the invitation.”
“Well, I have a feeling you’ll soon be a regular. In fact, I predict all it’ll take is one slice of Dani’s coconut cream cake! Come on in.” Reaching over, she plucked the cake from Dani’s hands and placed it on the counter. “Did she bring you cookies to welcome you to the building?”
“That she did, ma’am.”
“Are there any left?”
“No, ma’am.”
“I rest my case.” With a chuckle, she led him over to the dining room table around which several elderly people were already seated. “Also, you don’t need to keep ma’am-ing me left and right. I got enough of that to last a lifetime in the service. I sure don’t need it now! Let me get you settled in. Everyone, this is Nick Gantry. Go around, and introduce yourselves.”
“Hi. Jack Delano. We met briefly when you moved in. Down on the first floor, apartment 111. Been in the building for nearly 40 years, and the super for most of it. You need something fixed? You give me a call. I know my way around these old rooms, and I’d rather do the fixing than have someone give it a go himself. Glad to have you here!” The heavy shouldered, heavy paunched handyman stood and shook his hand. From the carefully maintained buzz cut, Nick guessed this man had also served his country at some point. He was built like an ox, but the friendly smile immediately helped Nick begin to feel at ease in this crowd.
“I’m Kathleen Betancourt,” chimed the small bird like woman next to Jack. Nick had placed Jack in his mid-sixties, but this woman had to be pushing 90. Her soft southern accent soothed his nerves. Her short white hair was curled and teased to form a halo around her finely featured face. She was exactly how he’d always pictured a grandmother. Not that he’d know. She also sent a warm smile his way as he leaned over to carefully shake her hand. The underlying steel in her grip as she returned the courtesy surprised him. “I moved around the country quite a bit, base to base, while my Dean was still alive, but now that it’s just me I’ve settled here to be near my grandchildren. Been here the last 15 years or so. It’s a great building. I’m sure you’ll love it as much as we do.” The next guest cleared his throat, and Nick shifted his gaze to the right.
“Lt. Colonel William Jones, retired, but everyone calls me Colonel. Pleased to meet you.” The short, wiry gentleman stood and extended his hand. He looked ancient but still had the firm grip of a man used to asserting command. His hair, gone completely white, was cut tight to his head and contrasted boldly with his brown skin. His frame was small but not stooped, and Nick could see him leading scores of men into battle with confidence and ease.
Nick turned to the last occupied seat. Another man was seated there, likely in his mid-sixties, but the years had not been kind. His weather-beaten face, all cracks and crags with the texture and color of leather, transformed with a smile as he stood to shake Nick’s hand. “Joe Coleman. Good to have you!”
Nick settled himself in next to Patty Grady, and assessed his opponent carefully. The older woman, mid to late-seventies by his estimation, wore her hair carefully coifed in a French twist and a string of pearls at her neck. If the hard gleam in her eye and amused quirk in her lips were anything to judge by, this interview would be harder than facing his CO after that little incident on leave in Tennessee his first year in. Steeling himself for interrogation, he went on the offensive and fired the opening shot.
“So, how often do you all get together like this?”
“I host dinners here three nights a week, but different people come on different nights. This is my regular Wednesday crew.”
“You do this three times every week?” He looked at the spread of garlic bread, tossed salad, antipasto plates, and what he would swear was homemade spaghetti and meatballs loaded onto the table. How did she manage to pull it all together?
“We’ve done a bit more than usual tonight, since we hoped you’d come join us and bring a healthy appetite. Everyone gets some leftovers to take home this way. Helen and Dani...well, Dani helps me do the brunt of the cooking in advance, so it’s no trouble at all. How else would I be able to see all of my friends, and keep up with the building gossip? Which leads me to what we’re all dying to know. Nick Gantry, who are you and what on earth possessed you to move into this building?”
“Now, Patty, let the poor boy get some food on his plate before you start in on him! Here, honey, have some garlic bread.” Kathleen handed him the breadbasket. He focused on the garlic bread, happy for the distraction.
Wow. This lady meant business. No coy insinuations, no subtle prompts for information, just blunt questions that demanded straight answers. Debating how much to go into, he filled his plate as the dishes were passed around the table.
“Well, ma’am, I mean Patty, what you see is what you get. I left the army after multiple tours at both of our current fronts. I thought the army might’ve been a career for me, but it just doesn’t feel right anymore. My buddy, Seth, was getting out, too, and I decided to relocate near him, since we might end up back in business together at some point. His family is here.” He filled his mouth quickly with a bite of spaghetti and meatball to avoid revealing any other details just yet, and his tongue sent up a silent prayer of gratitude. Years of institutional cuisine and fast food had deadened his palate. It was forcefully awakened by the rich tomato, savory oregano, and pungent garlic exploding in his mouth. A quiet moan escaped as he closed his eyes and chewed slowly, enjoying the slight bite to the noodles and the soft braised meaty goodness of the meatball.
Dani turned toward him, and he locked eyes with her. Had he moaned out loud over the spaghetti? Joe dropped the salad tongs, and the resulting clatter startled Dani from her inspection. Nick continued to watch her as she fidgeted in her seat, crossing her legs, and looking anywhere but at him. Was that another blush? What was she thinking? Was she imagining him moaning over something else? That thought brought its reverse image immediately to the forefront of his mind. Imagining Dani, naked and moaning in his arms, did little to help him keep his composure. Nick struggled to push the tempting thought away, before his attention was pulled back to Patty Grady. She resumed her line of questioning, now that everyone had full plates.
“You neglected to mention how you found out about our building. I know there’s a very nice new high rise across town that would be perfect for a young man like you.”
“Actually, that’s where Seth lives. I’ve lived in barracks and base housing for the last 6 years. I wanted some peace and quiet. This place is smaller, offered rent-control for vets, and had an immediate opening.” He didn't mention that he was desperately hoping that this building would be a hideout and a haven, not a bustling community with demands on his time.
The table went awkwardly quiet for a moment, and he froze. Where had he blundered? He looked to the one familiar face around the table, hoping for a lifeline. Dani couldn’t meet his gaze as she explained.
“I mentioned that the apartment you moved into was briefly mine. It was available, because I moved in with my Aunt Helen to care for her at the end of her life. She was a Wednesday dinner regular. Her death has been hard on us all.”
He was such a shit. Here she was, reeling from a death in the family, moving out of her own apartment, and still doing kind and neighborly things to help him settle in. And he couldn’t quit picturing her naked. She deserved so much better, even if she never knew it. Shame washed over him, and he fell silent.
“Don’t you have family of your own you’d like to live closer to?” The soft question from Mrs. Betancourt startled him.
“No, ma’am. I don’t.” He bit his tongue, before he said something he’d regret. The quick and firm denial pushed another awkward pause into the conversation. Thankfully, Patty pushed them past it.
“I know what you mean about communal living.” She put down her fork and reached for her wine glass. She grinned at her guests as a memory came to mind. “I was a nurse in Korea. We all bunked in together in the nurses’ tents. Imagine twenty women packed in like sardines. Hundred degree heat in the summers. You couldn’t turn without bumping into someone. I’ll never forget the time…”
Nick surveyed the table while Patty spun out her tale. It seemed like everyone had decided to overlook his abrupt response. Everyone except Dani. She was staring at him, like she could see into his soul and was steadily dissecting everything she found. Heaven help her if that was true. Nick deliberately turned away from her, and tried to pull himself together while he pretended to pay attention to Patty’s story. This had been a bad idea. He’d spent the meal lusting after one fellow diner and being rude to the rest. Clearly, he wasn’t ready to be unleashed on polite society. He should have stayed locked up in his room where he could only hurt himself.
The table erupted in laughter at whatever antics Patty and her nurse friends got up to and he did his best to join in so no one would notice he had missed the story. “I still can’t believe she dumped that bucket over his head, but it sure cooled him down! Living with my girls in a war zone forged tight bonds, for better or worse, and you got used to living as a group real quick.” Patty said as she wiped the tears of laughter from her cheeks.
“I came back here to the States, and boy, was it a huge adjustment. I wasn’t married, so I got an apartment on my own and started to work at the local hospital in their trauma unit.” She shook her head at the memory. The smile left her face and her eyes looked a little sad. “The quiet almost killed me,” she said sadly.
“Working at the hospital was good because it made me feel useful, like I could still use what I’d learned in the army. But now and then something I’d see would send me back to the front, and I chafed at the limitations on what I was allowed to do. And then to head home to that empty apartment, no one to talk to, no one to distract me from my own thoughts and memories...it was brutal.” She looked lost in her own memories, then straightened suddenly. Her warm smile appeared and the spark came back in to her eyes. She looked directly into Nick’s eyes.
“Don’t fall into that trap.” A tiny glimmer of hope sparked in his chest. Maybe coming tonight wasn’t the disaster he’d thought. Maybe he’d found the people who could understand.
“You were an army nurse. That explains everything.” Nick latched on to the one detail that didn't hit too close to home.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Your home is immaculate. This meal is delicious, nutritious, and was served exactly on time with everything hot. You take care of your friends regularly and enjoy a little bit of chaos getting it all ready. And you keep tabs on everyone and everything in your ‘ward,’ so you can help if it’s needed. How’m I doing?”
Everyone at the table laughed. “He’s got you pegged, Patty. Now give the boy a rest and let him eat his meal.” Jack passed him the bowl of spaghetti for a refill and shot Nick a quick wink. “There’s time enough for you to ferret out all of his dark secrets.”
“If this is how you eat every Wednesday, you can tie me up and interrogate me so long as I get dessert! My compliments to the chef.” He turned to Dani, raising his glass of water to toast her. He took in her heated gaze, and when he realized what he’d said, he went mute all over again. He’d meant to toss off some joke about coconuts, but the electrical sizzle shorted his circuits as their gazes met and held. He’d never been possessed by such a primal urge to take, to have, to hold. Her blue eyes ablaze, unwilling to break the contact, he tried to rein in his thoughts. He clenched his other hand beneath the table, digging his nails into his palm, hoping the pain would distract him from his rising desire. Thankfully, he had the dessert course to get himself back under control before he had to stand up again. He managed a sip of his water, without spilling, trying to wet his throat which had suddenly gone bone dry.
Dani dropped her gaze and quickly stood up from the table. “Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Who wants cake? Coffee?” She hurried back to the counter and returned to the table armed with the creamy white confection. Nick took a full breath while her back was turned. He had to get himself under control. The conversation turned to everyday updates on doctor’s visits and grandchildren, as she served up generous slices of cake and Patty poured the coffee. She handed Nick his plate of cake just as he turned to reach for it, causing the slice to tip precariously on its perch.
“I think I am destined to knock this cake over tonight.” Nick attempted a chuckle that stuck in his throat as he watched, transfixed, as she licked the dollop of frosting that had dislodged from the cake off of her thumb. His entire being focused on her little pink tongue removing the sweet white smear from her perfect skin. Just that quickly he was back at the edge of his control.
“If you do, you’ll have a lot of disappointed neighbors.”
“Wouldn’t want that,” he murmured, imagining how he’d like to please one of his neighbors very much.
“So, Nick, what kind of action did you see in Iraq?” Joe asked, his deep voice rumbling into the gap. “I’ve heard that it was brutal in some areas, what with all the insurgent action. Stories from the boys over at the hospital reminded me a lot of Viet Nam, where you were never really sure who was the enemy.”
Jarred by the sudden change in topic, Nick’s mind flashed to the raw angry images he usually shied away from. The heat, the sun, the chaos…Samarra, Iraq was suddenly vividly present in his mind. The panic was coming. The tingling in his arms. The churning in his belly. He tried to will it away with a few cleansing breaths. In the space of a few seconds, overwhelming desire evaporated and was replaced by howling pain.
“Oh, you know, we saw a bit of everything.” Quick shallow breaths refused to obey his command to slow down. If he didn’t make his escape soon, he’d lose it in front of these people. He stood abruptly. “Mrs. Grady, I’m sorry to eat and run, but I’ve just remembered something I need to do back home. Thank you for having me.”
He stumbled towards the door and the minute it closed behind him, he sprinted for the safety of his own four walls.
In the awkward silence after his abrupt departure, glances were exchanged around the table. Joe was the first to speak.
“Aw, hell, Patty. I’m sorry to bust up your nice dinner.” He hunched his shoulders and was wringing his hands, as if he was afraid he’d get punished for disobedience.
“Not your fault, Joe. Relax. You asked a question we were all wanting to. I think his reaction answered another question he evaded earlier.”
“He’s got the shakes,” chimed in the Colonel. “I saw it when he put down his fork. In my day, we called it shell shock. Not sure what they’re calling it these days, some bunch of letters.”
“PTSD,” Patty supplied. “It would explain his hiding in that apartment, and wanting a quiet building close to the VA. I can’t think of any other reason he’d choose this place over living with his friend. That or some other injury we can’t see...”
“How do you know he’s been hiding?” asked Dani.
“He hasn’t left this building but once since he moved in, and that was a short trip to the grocery store. My network assures me I didn’t miss anything while I was at the salon this afternoon.”
“How could I have doubted your intel?” Dani smiled knowing full well not to doubt her neighbor’s skill.
“Well, we’ll just keep an eye on our new friend, make sure he knows he’s got ears and shoulders ready and waiting if he needs them. Gentlemen, Kath, I trust you know how to offer your support and encouragement firmly but subtly?”
A chorus of “yes, ma’am’s” echoed around the table. There was no question of who was in charge of this campaign.
“Well, now that that’s settled, I have some news to share.” Eyes swung expectantly towards Dani. “Aunt Helen had one last trick up her sleeve when I went to visit her lawyer on Monday.” She proceeded to tell her aunt’s closest friends of the plan to help Dani find her passion. There was a decided lack of surprise around the table.
“You knew?” Guilty faces avoided eye contact.
“Well, I’m glad you know now. I was bursting to tell you, Sunny!” Kathleen offered her a bright smile from across the table. “I didn’t know how she’d planned to pull it off, but I supported the idea from the beginning. I hope we did right to keep the surprise. You doing all right with it?”
“Surprisingly, I am. The shock was a big one, let me tell you, but I get it. She knew I’d never get on board with the financials, unless I couldn’t do anything about it. She knew me well. I just hope I can make her proud. For the time being I’m going to reconnect with old friends and enjoy my new hometown. Then I’ll start tackling the bigger question of what to do when I grow up.”
She chuckled, and then added, “I want you all to know how much I appreciate your love and support right now. I don’t want you to worry about me. I’m not going anywhere right away. I’m sure you’ll all have opinions about what I should do. I’d love to hear them, soon. I promise. For now, I’m going to say goodnight and start on my plan first thing tomorrow.”
“Sunny, you'll take some of the leftover cake to Nick, won't you?” asked Patty. “After all, he did promise to come back if he had dessert!”
Trapped by manners, Dani agreed and fixed him a plate before leaving. All the way back down the hall, she ran through what she’d say when he opened the door. “Hi. Why did you run away? Here’s some cake.” No. “I’m here for dessert. Oh, and there’s cake too.” Tempting, but no Ms. Horny-pants. Stay focused. Polite, neighborly concern, no I-want-to-jump-you vibes. I won’t get involved with the mysterious man next door. Clearly, he has some work to do, if Patty and the others are right. No, the next few months are going to be all about me. The last thing I need in my life is a man.
When she reached his apartment, she knocked with firm resolve on the heavy outer door, and it swung open under her hand. The latch must not have engaged when he closed it behind him. She would tell him to listen for the click. Not wanting to intrude, she called out from the doorway. “Nick? Are you here? Mrs. Grady sent me with some cake for you.”
Silence greeted her, and she wavered. Should she go in and leave the cake on the table, or just step back and close the door and try again tomorrow? She didn’t want to intrude on his privacy. She had really only wanted to make sure he was OK. But coming back tomorrow would only prolong her having to think about him and all the swirling emotions he’d set loose at dinner. As she pondered her options, a car backfired out on the street. She heard a muffled groan from the couch.
“Nick? Are you here? Are you OK?”
Setting aside her concerns, she entered the darkened apartment, trying to make out the shapes of the furniture. As she neared what she assumed was the couch, she heard labored breathing and shivering. Turning on a lamp, Dani quickly found the source of the noises. Nick was curled up in a ball on the couch, his arms wrapped tightly around himself as if trying to hold himself together. She reached out to touch his shoulder, “Nick?”
He jerked in surprise, startling her and sending the cake she carried in her hand flying. As it plopped on the floor, she half smiled that his prediction had indeed come true. But her smile quickly faded, as she took in the raw fear and panic on his face.
“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
He stared at her, through her really, his chocolate brown eyes unseeing in terror. She immediately lowered to her knees and switched to a calming and quiet voice, even though her own stomach was fluttering with panic at finding him like this.
“Nick, it’s me, Dani.” She slowly reached a hand out to his shoulder again. He still flinched when she touched him, but not quite so violently. “I’m here. You’re safe here. I’m here. I’m going to stay here for a while, to make sure you’re safe. You can trust me.”
He nodded tersely, before he burrowed back into his ball. She shifted onto the couch and lifted his head onto her lap. She stroked her fingers from his sweat-dampened forehead, over his short caramel tipped hair, and down his back as she spoke quietly to him to soothe and distract. Dani kept up her ramble, telling him her life story and how she came to be living in the apartment across the hall. She shared her favorite memories of Aunt Helen and her fears about someone new living in her home. Slowly, Dani felt the tension drain from his body, and he fell asleep curled up next to her, his head still resting in her lap.
“What happened to you?” she wondered aloud. The adrenaline that flowed through her system began to seep away, and she felt limp. She moved a pillow from the armrest to the back of the couch for her head, and reached over to turn off the lamp. “I promised to keep you safe, and I am damn well going to. I just need a quick nap. We can talk it all out in the morning.”