Dawn came slowly on a Saturday morning on the coast. Dani savored her first coffee of the day on the back patio of the bed and breakfast, watching the sunshine begin to clear the Santa Cruz Mountains. Tucked back in the mountains, the B&B was a peaceful oasis, surrounded by redwood giants. Breathing in the crisp woodsy air, she sat with her warm mug, and let her thoughts run free. This was just the sort of place Aunt Helen would have loved hiking around for a weekend. Dani got lost in old memories of trips and adventures. Even as the sun began to warm her shoulders, the gaping hole in the center of her chest felt so cold.
Dani sat with the weight on her heart, wishing that she could change things. But change them to what? What the hell do I want to do? Then she realized that was exactly what she was here to figure out. She took a few deep breaths to clear her mind and start fresh, letting hope creep in around the edges of her grief. Picking up her now empty mug, she headed into the sitting room where Jamie was getting the conference set up. Her friend’s sleek auburn ponytail hung straight as a nail down the middle of her back as she fussed with the breakfast trays, reminding Dani of their cheerleading days. Her All-American girl look had changed little in the ten years since high school. Jamie had always been a sweetheart, but when she was on the court performing, she had been driven, all business. No wonder she’d been elected captain three years running. It looked like she had turned that determination on her career with amazing results.
“What can I do to help?” Dani asked, moving to take one of the scone and fruit plates Jamie had carried in from the kitchen.
“Just put these over on the table. That’d be great! Thanks!” Jamie pulled her in for a real hug, before turning to arrange the furniture into a loose circle. “I’m so glad you came, Dani. I hope we get a chance to catch up a bit, outside of the sessions.”
“I’d really like that, Jamie. I feel like I’ve lost track of everyone.”
The other attendees began trickling in slowly, introducing themselves and getting their coffee or tea and a little snack. The group was small, only six people, so that everyone paired off nicely and had the benefit of some quality time working alone with Jamie, as well as group reflection sessions. Demand for Jamie’s time was rising, and Dani felt lucky that she’d been able to snag some of it.
Once everyone was settled, Jamie turned a smile on everyone, rubbing her hands together.
“OK, everyone! Let’s get down to business!”
Butterflies danced in Dani’s belly. Here we go.
Back at his apartment, Nick spent Saturday morning cleaning. Again. He scrubbed the kitchen, swept and mopped the floors, and even detailed the bathroom grout with a toothbrush. He was avoiding looking at his computer. Every time he saw the silver rectangle with the slowly pulsing light on the edge, a tremor shook his belly, and he found something else to clean. Looking at the websites Dani had recommended would likely trigger something. Hell, it was already triggering a low-level panic in his gut, and he hadn’t looked at anything but a scrub brush!
He was sorting his minuscule amount of laundry into loads when he heard a knock on the door. His heart kicked up, and a smile crossed his face as he hustled to the door. It must be Dani on the other side of the door. But wait. She was on the other side of a mountain range this morning. Just how disappointing that was shook him a little bit, but he pushed that thought away and opened the door to find Jack Delano waiting with a smile.
“Hi there, neighbor! I was hoping you’d be home. Got a minute?” Jack’s bluff and jovial greeting banished the last of Nick’s disappointment, and he welcomed the man into his new home. He wasn’t sure he was fit for company, but Jack was already inside striding to the small kitchen.
“Come on in. I was just cleaning up a little bit.”
“A little bit, nothing! This place is shining like a barracks five minutes before inspection. But don’t worry. You’ll get out of that habit soon enough. I just thought I’d give you a tour of the place and introduce you to her quirks. She has a few but hopefully they won’t be too much of a pain.”
“Thank you, sir. I’d appreciate it.”
“Here now, none of that ‘sir’ business. Yeah, I served, Viet Nam, but that’s long behind me.”
Nick glanced pointedly at the buzz cut still featured prominently on his balding pate.
“Oh, that? Ha ha ha! Son, it’s the only haircut that manages to make me look like I still have a bit of hair! Plus, it’s easy for my barber to handle. He’s a vet, too. You’ll find a lot of us in the area. The first round moved out here after WWII, building up suburbs in the warm California sun. Then a lot of guys from my era ended up settling here because of all the bases between Monterey and Alameda. Some of us got out and started families. Others who had more trouble readjusting to 'normal' ended up on the streets. Lots of homeless around here have some level of military service behind them. If you're going to live off the grid, sunny California is a beautiful place to do it.”
Nick thought of Seth, and how his family had followed a similar path, migrating to California for the work after World War II. He also wondered how far off from “normal” he was. Was he going to be a statistic? What if he couldn’t beat this? What if he went off the rails and ended up on the streets? The thought was sobering, and it took Nick a moment to realize that Jack was giving him the tour.
"Now, take a look here under your sink. See that funky looking knob? That’s your water shut-off valve. If you ever have a leak under the sink, I want you to turn that full stop before you call me. We’ve had to replace a few ceilings over the years, and it’s no fun. Also, the dishwasher works better if you pre-wash. It’s a workhorse, and it rarely breaks, but it does clog. And you’ll want to wait to run it until you’ve finished your shower & shave. It will pull the entire hot water load to the apartment, and I don’t think you’d enjoy a cold shower surprise when it hits the rinse cycle! Since you haven’t called me complaining, I’m assuming Dani told you about the jiggle in the shower. I’ve replaced that damn water mixer more times, but still it needs a little knock now and again. Now, let me show you how the wall heaters work.”
A cold shower might not be a bad idea. Just that quickly Dani and their incendiary kiss heated his thoughts. Nick tried to focus on what the super was telling him. The wall hung heaters were definitely a new experience, having been raised in the Midwest, where a home without central heating and air was unheard of. He paid attention to the instructions on how to turn it on and off and the warnings about how hot “high” really got. He thought about cranking it the next time she came over, just to see her get hot and bothered. Maybe she’d lose some layers. He needed help if he was plotting to use a heater in July to get a woman to take off her clothes. Pathetic. What he really needed was to get Dani out of his head. He reran Jack’s comments through his head, turning his thoughts to all the vets from Viet Nam who came back with problems.
“Well, that should just about do it. If you need anything, my cell number is on the magnet on the fridge. Call anytime day or night!”
“Thanks, again. Can I offer you a coffee break before you run off to take care of your next leaky pipe?”
“I wouldn’t say no. Got sugar and cream?”
“Thanks to my neighbor across the hall, I do.”
“She’s pretty fantastic, isn’t she...Listen, I know you’re just back from a deployment, and probably feeling your oats, but she’s handling a lot right now….”
Nick cut him off, feeling the man’s embarrassment but determination to warn him off. “You don’t need to worry on that score. Dani and I agree that neither of us are in the position to offer anything but friendship right now.”
“I understand why Dani’s not open, but why are you putting yourself in that same boat?”
He’d opened the door on the question. He might as well see what advice the older man had to share.
“You mentioned your buddies from Nam,” Nick paused, grasping for the right words, “how some of them struggled to find 'normal'?” He glanced toward Jack but couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact. His chest felt tight and the tingles raced down his arms.
“Oh man, I’m sorry.” Jack placed his hand on Nick’s shoulder. Nick jumped at the contact, but he made himself breathe and look Jack in the eye. He was afraid of the pity that would be on the older man’s face but instead found understanding. Jack took a seat at the table and stared into his coffee.
“I remember my first year back. I jumped at every sudden noise. Took me a long time to get used to sleeping in the quiet.” Nick lowered himself into the chair across from Jack. “And I was really angry for a long time, and I could never pin down why. I still have some bad moments from time to time.”
“What did you do about it?”
“At first I let it control me. I’d get angry at home and not know what to do with myself. So, I’d bluster around, bitching about whatever set me off, and storm out of the house. I’d meet up with buddies to blow off steam, usually in a bar. I drank too much, trying to black out the images I couldn’t bear to see again. I ruined a good marriage in the process. I hit rock bottom. I was a drunk. I’d lost my home and my wife.
"I lived in a state park for awhile, camping out. Then I met a preacher at one of the shelters I’d hit up for meals. He slipped me a card for AA. I got in and got sober. I got the counseling I needed. I got my wife to fall in love with me again and had 20 more years to show her that love everyday, before cancer took her away from me. That woman was a saint.”
The older man’s eyes took on a shine, the love for his wife still clearly written all over his face. He got quiet, clearing his throat before continuing. He looked Nick square in the eye.
“I let it control me, and it almost ruined me. If you are feeling any of that crap, don’t let it eat at you. You’ve got to get it out in the light where it can’t hurt anymore. It’s hard and it’s scary. I won’t lie. You’ll want to quit more than once, but you are Army Strong. You can do it.”
Nick broke the eye contact and stared into his coffee for a long while. He gathered his courage to share his deepest thoughts and fears. When he finally spoke, his voice came out cracked and rusty.
“I’ve never been this scared in my life. I didn’t feel this scared on patrols or during fire fights. Sometimes it makes me as weak as a baby. And I hate that feeling. Why the hell am I scared now?”
“Because your brain shoved all that scared shitless deep down inside, so you could survive and do what you needed to do during those patrols and fire fights. It shoved it deep, but not out. Now that you’re home and not under immediate threat, your brain wants to do some spring-cleaning and force that shit out. Talk to someone, man. Get it out of your brain so you can move on. I know a bunch of vets from my AA group, if you ever want to just have a solid group of guys to talk to. Lots of vets who’ll know just what you’re going through. I can ask them if they’d be willing to come over some night just to talk.”
“I don’t know if I’m there yet, but I’ll think about it. Thanks for letting me throw this at you. I’ve done more talking to complete strangers this week…”
“Glad to help.”
“Would you mind keeping this between you and me for awhile? I’m not sure I’m ready for Patty to get this bit between her teeth.”
“Son, she’s had your number since you moved in! I’m convinced she’s got these rooms bugged, not that I’ve ever found any evidence of course…” He chuckled. “All the same, she won’t get the details from me. I’ll warn you though, she’s persistent.”
“Thanks.”
“Well, I’d better go. 202 called early this morning with a stuck window.”
“See you soon. And thanks again for the tour, and the talk.”
“Anytime.”
And with that Nick was left alone with his thoughts again. He mulled over Jack’s story and advice, thinking everything through again and again. He still avoided his laptop like the plague, but at least he was able to sit still for a while.