Dani slept through the rest of the migraine that kept her in bed until ten the next morning. The fact that she’d managed to take her medicine before the headache incapacitated her meant she was only suffering from the hangover she’d earned and not the hazy muddle that usually followed a migraine episode. As she contemplated leaving the cozy confines of her bed in search of water, the true horror of the evening before came back to her full force. No one special, he’d said. Feeling her heart breaking anew, she vetoed the water in favor of burrowing back under her covers. The familiar empty feeling spread through her chest leaving her numb and cold. She yelped when something furry brushed against her leg.
“Taco? How did you get in here? Did he toss you aside too?” Pulling the pup close for a cuddle, she let the tears flow. “It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have let him get so close. He warned me, didn’t he? I should have understood that he wasn’t interested in me that way. We got caught in a moment of weakness, and we lost our heads. That’s all. Except it didn’t feel like that was all, you know what I mean?” She looked down at the pup trying to lick her chin, as if he was going to give her a response.
All of the negative thoughts circled through her head on a repeating loop. He’d said he only needed a friend. And really, who would want her as anything else? It seemed she was good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to keep. Just plain old Dani. Granted she’d looked pretty hot last night, hence attracting the asshole Jake, but that wasn’t the real her. Nick had known the real Dani and hadn’t found her attractive enough to be "someone special” in his life. Old wounds from her break up with Matthew blended with the fresh cuts left by Nick. She had trusted the wrong men with her heart twice now.
The loop repeated, each time adding more details and doubt. She was an idiot for thinking that they had developed anything but a friendship.
The knock at the door pulled a groan from her heart and the covers back up over her head. He wanted to hash things out now? Well, she’d be damned if she’d give him the satisfaction of seeing her face now, splotchy and puffy eyed. The knocking became more insistent. He wasn’t going to take a hint. Well, it would serve him right to see what he’d caused. With a head of steam building, she stalked to the door and yanked it open.
Stella stood there with a cardboard coffee carrier in one hand, and a copy of the latest ParaNora in the other. Her big smile turned quickly into a moue of concern. Dani’s anger shifted back to sadness as soon as she realized it was her best friend and not her not-boyfriend waiting to be welcomed in. Pushing the book and a large skim mocha, extra chocolate, no whip, into Dani’s hands, Stella moved into the room and shut the door behind her.
“What happened? You look like you were hit by a truck! Last I knew, you were heading out, and Jake left too. Then 20 minutes later, Seth comes by asking if we’d seen Nick. I expected to hash out some revenge nookie stories this morning, or at least a steamy kiss. I did not expect to find you like this! What happened to the kick-ass warrior woman who shoved his words down his throat last night?”
“She’s not here.” Taking the first sip of her favorite fancy coffee, she closed her eyes and hummed. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but will you marry me?” She worked up a genuine smile as the sugar, fat, and caffeine hit her system. “Who needs men, with a best friend who will bring the perfect coffee and a new book for the morning-after debrief?”
“I’m flattered, but there are some things that are better with a man.”
“I think we could manage. Really, what man would do this?”
“Don’t think flattery will distract me. I need details!”
“I screwed it all up.” Dani sighed and related the events of the evening from the moment she left the bar. She picked up Taco who was pacing in circles on her bed, before she plopped on her couch. “And now he’s angry with me. Our plan backfired. He felt he needed to protect me, like some big brother. It’s no wonder he didn’t want anything more with me. Who would?”
“OK, I realize that we had to suppress the pity party last night and shift right into crush his balls mercilessly mode. Let’s get it out of your system right now. I assume you've been at this awhile. You have 30 more seconds to feel sorry for yourself. Go.” Stella intently followed the second hand on its trip around the face of her watch. “There. Done now. As an outside observer, here’s what I saw last night. He watched your every move in the mirror behind his table, even though he tried not to. Every time Jake put his hands on your ass while you were dancing, he gripped his glass so hard I’m surprised it didn’t shatter. His buddy Seth watched you, too, though his eyes were more speculative. You might have an ally there.”
“An ally? You make it sound like we’re at war.”
“We are. What I saw last night was a man being eaten alive by emotions that he refused to set free. You are going to have to go to battle for him. Are you going to let the man you love go so easily?”
“I didn’t say I loved him.”
“You didn’t have to, honey. My point is he was not acting like a big brother, or a good friend who didn’t give a damn. He was acting like a jealous boyfriend watching someone else hitting on his girl. Given that he almost tore Jake apart outside the restaurant just confirms that. You are not alone in this situation, and you sure as hell aren’t at fault. Are you sure you’re ready to walk away?”
“I think I have to, Stella. You didn’t see his eyes last night. He was so angry and hurt. If I make him feel that way, I’m not good for him. And I won’t push myself on someone who clearly doesn’t want me in his life in that way." Admitting that her friend had seen what she'd been willfully ignoring stung. "I can’t pull back from loving him. You’re right about that. I do love him, but what I need and what he can give are clearly not the same. And because I love him, I won’t cause him any more pain. I’ll just have to try and get over him.”
A knock on the door had her taking a deep breath, steeling herself to face him. “I can do this,” she muttered under her breath. “I can set him free.”
She pulled the door open again, and for the second time it was not the person she was aching to see. Seth stood there, shifting awkwardly, working a small white envelope between his fingers.
“What do you want?” Dani asked. Her irritation that Nick hadn’t bothered to confront her in person won out over her manners.
“Nick asked me to come over this morning. When I got here, I found a key on the mat and instructions on the table. He asked me to clear out his fridge, clean up the mess, and give you this.” He held out the envelope.
“He’s gone?”
Seth shrugged. “I don’t know. He didn’t tell me. But it looks that way.”
She looked back to Stella sitting at her kitchen table. “He just left…”
“Well then, I guess that makes it easier to leave him alone.”
A million thoughts raced through Dani’s head as she stared at the unopened envelope.
“Well, I’ll get out of your hair.”
Dani, still absorbed with the envelope closed the door behind him.
“Should I open it?”
“Of course you should open it! Hello! Dying of curiosity over here!”
Dani returned to Taco on the couch and carefully tore the envelope open to reveal a sheet of folded notebook paper inside. His nearly illegible masculine scrawl covered the page. She caught a hint of his scent, and her gut clenched. With a deliberate breath for strength, she began to read.
Dear Dani,
I’m sorry. I’m sorry about what happened the other day. I’m sorry about what you heard last night. I’m sorry for what happened outside. I’m sorry that I am not a good enough man for you. I’m sorry for causing you pain. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you any of this in person. I just couldn’t find the words. But you don’t have to worry about running into me. I’m going to go away for a while. Please keep an eye on Taco for me. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I don’t want the little guy feeling abandoned twice. I can’t live like this, always afraid I’ll hurt you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me while I’m gone. I don’t think I could bear to lose your friendship.
-Nick
“He’s gone.”
“What do you mean gone?”
Dani handed over the letter to Stella.
“What are you thinking right now?”
“This is all my fault. I drove him away. He doesn't even feel comfortable in his own home. I can’t believe he would just leave, though. Damn it, Stella. This hurts so much. Why does it hurt more that he’s left, when I was going to set him free? I really thought we had something, that this was building towards something solid and good. And now I’ve blown it.” Dani curled into a ball around Taco, trying to hold herself together. The little dog licked her cheeks furiously offering his unique brand of comfort. How could she not explode, when her heart was shattering in a million pieces? Stella pulled her into a hug, holding her and stroking her hair, as the dam of emotion she’d been suppressing since the night before finally broke. Dani sobbed and let the tears drain her mind and soul, until she was empty. As the weeping quieted, Stella broke the silence.
“Are you ready to listen for a minute?” she asked softly.
“I can’t stop you, can I?” Dani pushed herself up to sitting, looking her friend in the eyes.
“I know this hurts. I know you feel like you caused this. But it’s never your fault for being true to your own feelings. If he can’t handle those feelings, that’s on him. I’m sorry that it had to come out like this, but you will be OK. And I’m going to be here to help you.”
“Thanks, honey. I appreciate the support. I will be OK. I will.” Someday soon, God willing. Even if this love gripping her didn’t go away, it would fade in time. It had to.
A week later, on Saturday morning, Olivia came over to try and cheer Dani up. The scones and homemade strawberry preserves had certainly perked up her appetite, but Liv had little success on the emotional front.
“How are you doing, sweetheart?”
“I’m fine.”
“Let’s try that again. How are you really doing?” Liv poured Dani some strong black English Breakfast tea and leaned back with her own mug.
“I’m trying to be OK. I still cry sometimes, and I don’t know who I’m crying for, him or Aunt Helen.”
“You’re crying for yourself, Dani. You’ve lost so much in such a short time. Cut yourself some slack. Tears are allowed.”
“For how long? How long should I feel this miserable? This broken?” Dani picked up Taco and snuggled the small dog under her chin. He responded with licks to her chin, well attuned to his foster mama's moods. He was such a sweet little thing. After putting up all those Lost Dogs signs with Nick, she was surprised that no one had stepped forward to claim the little guy. She kept the smart pup for company, and for a reminder of Nick if she were being completely honest. The irony of finding comfort in his dog was not lost on her.
“You are not broken! A bit bruised perhaps, but never broken. I know what broken looks like. You’ll get through this.” Liv’s mother had literally broken down after her father left, leaving Olivia with the heavy responsibility of keeping their little family afloat and thriving.
“I just feel lost. I’m trying to focus on work, but it feels so futile most days. I’m pouring myself into the business plans. On days when I can exhaust myself, I am actually able to get some sleep. I’m not getting very far with the funding proposals, and…I miss him. Oh God, I miss him.” Dani burst into tears, and felt Liv scoop her into a side hug. As her friend smoothed a comforting hand down her back, Dani poured out a bit more of her grief. It helped to get the sadness out, but what would be left when it was all gone?
“I keep dreaming, of what we had, of how he made me feel, of what I had hoped we would build. And inevitably, I get the replay of that night in the bar. I can’t change the script, and I can’t make it stop. Any other time I would pour my heart out to Aunt Helen, and this mess is making me miss her even more. Somehow, the apartment seems even emptier now.”
The double edged grief was just too much. She desperately needed something to spur her out of this slump.
“Hang in there, honey. We’re all here to help. I can’t do much about missing him, but I can sure as hell help with a funding proposal. Paperwork is my jam! Seriously, let’s make a plan, and I’ll stay and help you tackle some of it today. I’ve got your back.”
Nodding, Dani walked to the bathroom and rinsed her blotchy face for the umpteenth time that week. She faced herself in the mirror, unflinching. A plan. If she could just focus on the plan, she’d get through this. Please God, let me get through this…