Nick was doing the hardest work of his life. After his meltdown with Dani, he’d checked himself in to the VA inpatient PTSD program. Trying to heal on his own was going to get someone killed or worse. He worked with his therapist almost every day using a Cognitive Processing Therapy approach. They worked on identifying all of his symptoms. His therapists coached him to be actively aware of his thoughts and feelings surrounding the trauma. Next, they’d work on developing skills to help him decide how he wanted to feel and how to readjust to a “normal” life. To that end, he practiced Guided Meditation twice a week to help retrain his brain and body to be in a consciously relaxed state.
Nick also had group sessions with other vets to share their experiences. He’d made a few friends with the guys in the group, but no one was really in a good place to put in the effort. Would they even want to be friends when the whole treatment deal was over? He worked his body to exhaustion on the physical therapy equipment, hoping to give his mind a break. He slept more in those four weeks than he had since he’d come home.
Sitting across from his therapist in the one-on-one sessions was the hardest. Dr. Adrian Broman certainly didn’t go easy on him.
“We’ve spent a lot of time processing your flashbacks, your triggers. Today I want to talk about what brought you into our program here. What took you so long to enroll?”
“At first I thought I’d get better on my own, if I could just have a little peace and quiet. I could ignore it or rationalize that I was OK as long as I wasn’t hurting anyone else.” Nick pulled the small round wood chip from his pocket and rubbed his thumb over its now smooth surface. The repetitive motion focused his thoughts.
“What changed?”
“I wasn’t alone any more. I met a girl, a really great girl, maybe even THE girl. And I fucked it up. I lost control. Thank God I didn’t hurt her, but I almost choked a man who didn’t take her no for an answer. I can’t say with certainty that I would have let him live if she hadn’t managed to get through to me. I scared her, and I scared myself. When I got back home I went into a rage blackout. I don’t remember a few hours of the night, but I came to in a completely trashed apartment and my knuckles were bloody from punching the walls. I’ve never been that out of control. I don’t ever want to feel that way again.”
“Why does it scare you?”
“I could have hurt her. Hell, I already did hurt her emotionally. I can’t get the look on her face out of my head when I said that she was no one special. I think I lo...I might be in…I really like this girl. I cannot hurt her any more. I need to be back in control.”
Their relationship had been brief but intense. His reactions had shocked and scared him.
“And you think by being in control of your emotions again, you can get her back?”
In trying to deny his own feelings, he’d bruised hers. Maybe it was for the best. What did he have to offer her? A battered mind and shattered soul? That’s not what Dani deserved.
“I don’t know about winning her back, but she sure deserved better from me than she got. Whatever lies I was telling myself have stopped working. I want to be me again. I want to know that I am not the person she thinks I am.”
No matter how many times he told himself she was better off without him, though, she remained his motivator throughout his treatments. He wanted to be good enough for her. He wanted to be the kind of man she deserved, whether or not he got to prove it to her. He knew who he was, who he had been. He had to believe he could be that man again. He kept that desire foremost in his mind as he worked on healing himself.
He checked in with Seth every few days, just to talk. His best friend had pinned him down after Nick had asked him to move his car from the bar and check his mail every few days. Once Nick explained that he’d checked himself in for treatment, Seth was immediately helpful and promised to take care of all the details, on the condition that Nick keep him in the loop. Sometimes it hurt more than it helped, but he couldn’t resist asking about Dani.
Seth dropped into an armchair across from him in the lounge at the VA.
“Hey man, how’s it going today?”
“Not bad. I’ve got group in a little while, but this morning was pretty mellow.”
“That’s good to hear. Guess who I ran into last night.”
“Who?”
“Dani, Stella, and Whiskey.”
“You saw Dani? How did she look? Is she ok?”
“She looked OK, a little down maybe, but she is not OK. She is still really broken up over this whole thing. Asked me where you were, why you wouldn’t call. It broke my heart. She asked me to deliver a message.”
Nick rubbed his chest where his heart felt like it was breaking all over again.
“Yeah, what’d she say?”
“She said that Taco’s owner showed up to claim him, and she’s giving him back.” His heart hitched a little at the thought of losing his little buddy. That apartment was going to seem really empty without him. He added to the running tally of painful moments to discuss.
“Fair enough. How was Whiskey doing?”
“She’s making ends meet. I asked her for her number in case you wanted to talk to her about any of this. She was there and might give you another perspective. Your therapist was asking if anyone could come join you for sessions. She might be a good choice.”
“I don’t know…”
“Do me a favor and call her, alright? She thinks I was scamming her number for myself. I want to prove her wrong.”
“OK, I’ll call her…” Nick got real quiet, thinking about Dani, trying to picture her talking to Whiskey at the bar.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to tell Dani what you’re up to?”
“No. Don’t tell her. I don’t want her trying to help me while I’m in here. You know she would. She’s just that kind of person. I’m afraid I might hurt her again. I’ll tell her when I’m better. I can’t risk being near her until then.”
“OK. Listen, don’t worry about Dani. She’s got her friends supporting her and her new business to keep her busy. I’m sure she’ll be just fine. You just focus on you.”
“Yeah, like I need an excuse to be a selfish bastard.”
Seth punched him in the shoulder.
“That’s not what I meant. You’re doing hard work. It takes guts to admit you need help and to go get it. I’m proud of you, man.”
“Thanks Seth. You’ll keep in touch right?”
“You got it, Nick. Whatever you need.”
As he sat in group session, he listened to his fellow soldiers recount their episodes and try to pin down their triggers. One man had taken his kids out for breakfast on a Sunday morning, and the local pancake house had a clown in making balloon animals for the kids. One balloon doggy had gotten a little too friendly with a kid’s fork and popped. In the next breath, he’d been halfway over the table trying to cover his kids, pancakes and scrambled eggs flying. The terrified look on his kids’ faces had been the last straw that pushed him into the inpatient program. Another guy had confronted his neighbors about their barking dogs, with his service pistol in his hand. He hadn’t even realized he’d been holding his weapon until he got back home. After apologizing for scaring the shit out of them, he asked his neighbors to collect his mail and water his plants while he came to get help.
Hearing their struggles had helped him feel a bit better about his own. He was coming to the realization that, although he’d been on his own dealing with his troubles for most of his adult life, he no longer had to. In fact, it was much healthier for him to share some of his emotional load right now onto shoulders qualified to help carry it. He still fought every day over those impulses to hold his weaknesses close to the vest. Then, he’d picture Dani’s face, eyes blank, smile forced, and would make himself share whatever piece of the puzzle he’d been holding back. Her pain and his role in causing it pushed him to dig deep and sit with his own pain. A bit of penance for the hurt he’d caused. He realized it was actually helping him face his demons. He just hoped he’d be able to make it up to her somehow, and soon.