Dani was sitting in Mrs. Grady’s apartment, cursing over a letter from the city about her permits, and nursing a cup of coffee. Needing a mental break, she flipped over to her dating website and checked her inbox for messages.
“Who are they?” Mrs. Grady leaned over her shoulder to inspect the pictures of men scrolling down her screen.
“Just some guys.”
“How does it work?”
“I made a profile and put it out on the site. Men interested in finding someone have done the same thing. Then we search and see who we find that might be a match. They are complete strangers right now, but based on my description they’ve found me and are interested in saying hi. I’ll see if I think any of them fit.”
“Well, of course they want to meet you. Why wouldn’t they? One look at your picture, and I’m sure your inbox flooded.”
“Actually, I didn’t get around to putting a picture up, and now I think I’ll leave it blank. It’s serving as a good filter. The guys responding are interested in my personality details and have no idea how I look. I can weed out some of the random creepy dudes. It’s kind of nice after being ogled out at the bars with Stella. All they know is SunnyD likes to cook and read and is starting her own business.”
"And what about Nick?"
“What about him? Do I still miss him? Yes. Has he spoken to me in over a month? No. I think it's pretty clear that ship has sailed, no matter how much I might've wished to be onboard.” Dani paused and took a deep breath. She was not going to let that hurt and anger bubble back up now. “This is a good distraction. I’m not ready to meet any of them yet. I’m going to chat with them a while longer. I just need something to be moving in a positive direction. Between Nick and all these delays, I’m going crazy.”
“Well, don’t you lose momentum. Delays are part of the game. It’s OK to let them bug you, but don’t let them stop you. Let me call my friend Suzanne. Her niece works for the city. I’ll see if I can get her to look in to the problem with the permits.”
“Is there anyone you don’t know?” Dani teased, smiling.
“If I don’t know them, they’re not worth knowing!”
While Mrs. Grady worked her contacts at City Hall, Dani got busy at the donut shop. She had signed her lease and helped throw a going away party for Herb and Rose. She reassured many of their loyal regulars that she’d be reopening soon, and invited them to leave their phone numbers on a list so that she could contact them when the new restaurant was ready. She could not contain her enthusiasm, and laughed and joked with her prospective clientele as she circulated through the party.
The morning after, Herb handed over the keys with a big bear hug for luck and hopped in his RV with Rose, ready to zigzag their way across the States with an eventual destination of Florida. The older couple gave her free rein to renovate the place, excited by what they'd seen of her vision.
Finally, she could dive into some good physical labor. Maybe it would help clear away some of her mental cobwebs. Dressed in her grubby jeans and a ratty old t-shirt from high school, hair pulled back under a kerchief, Dani filled a bucket with hot soapy water and began scrubbing the place top to bottom. Years of accumulated dust and grease yielded to the vigor of her scrub brush. She set up fans to help keep the air moving. Even with the fans, she felt the temperature rising as early morning transitioned to noon, and she was grateful for the kerchief keeping the sweat from dripping in her eyes.
The beige walls slowly became lighter and lighter as she wiped them down. She would prime and paint them, of course, but she relished the symbolic clean slate. She attacked the glass donut cases running across the width of the restaurant with vinegar and newspaper until they shined like new. Although she had plans to remove most of them, she wanted them all to shine when she got them up on craigslist. She was also going to have to troll the for sale portion of the website for some barstools and hopefully some kitchen gear while she was at it. She also needed to find some replacement tables. Her arms and back screamed with tension as the ever-growing to-do list swirled through her head, her anxiety grew to overwhelming proportions. She sat down in one of the booths, and cradled her head in her hands. Was she crazy? What made her think that she could do this?
“Aunt Helen, what was I thinking? I can’t do this…at least I can’t do it without you. It’s too much.” She spoke aloud, hoping that her aunt could hear her, wherever she might be. In her mind, she heard her aunt’s voice, laughingly repeating an oft-heard phrase. “Even if you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward.” Dani had to laugh at herself a bit. Helen had always been good at defusing a situation with a bit of humor. And as usual, she was right, Dani thought. What do I have to lose but time? Yes, it’s hard. If it weren’t hard, it wouldn’t be worth doing.
Knock off the negative thoughts. Keep moving. She tried to silence the clamoring to-do's fighting for her attention. Movement was progress. One step at a time. She could make this work. She wasn't buying that particular line yet, but she figured if she repeated it often enough she might start to believe it.
Dani cursed her height as she struggled to reach the top of the wall, batting at cobwebs that were just out of reach even when she balanced on a chair on tiptoe. Adding a ladder to her mental shopping list, she sighed and climbed down. Resigned to another delay in her progress towards her goal, she moved on to cleaning the booths, attacking every nook and cranny with renewed frustration. Why couldn’t something just go right for a change? It had all looked so rosy at the beginning, but now? Were all these setbacks a sign that she’d made a mistake? And why the hell were there so many sprinkles shoved down in between the cushions on this damn booth?
“I am not going to give up, but man, could I use a lucky break,” she muttered.
Then she screamed and dropped her scrub brush when someone knocked on the large plate glass window behind her. Silhouetted in the noon sun, she didn’t immediately register who was at the door. All she saw was a tall dark shadow with broad shoulders as she slowly walked to the door. Surely, it couldn’t be, she thought. How would he even know where to find her?
Shading her eyes against the sun, she gestured him to the door. As he stepped around the corner of the building, the bright sunshine illuminated a face she hadn’t expected to see again. She reached for the lock, and hesitated. Did she really want to let him in again? The literal and figurative meanings of the question ricocheted through her mind, as she stared at him through the safety of the glass door.
Nick put his hand out and touched the glass, mouthing the word “please.” She read the remorse in his earnest brown eyes and decided to hear what he had to say. Maybe it would help her secure the closure that she was still struggling to find. She flipped the lock and turned her back, tucking her stray bangs back under her kerchief and attempting to wipe some of the sweat and grime from her forehead with the back of her hand. Of course, he would find her to chat when she looked like a mess. What was karma punishing her for?
She steeled herself to hear his excuses and not give him the satisfaction of knowing how much his abandonment had hurt her.
“Hi, Dani.”
“Hi.” She turned to face him and leaned back against one of the tables, arms crossed over her middle, as if she could protect herself from whatever was coming. A strained silence filled the air between them.
“What do you want?” she finally blurted, her anger and hurt making her voice sharp.
“To apologize, again, and maybe explain a little bit.”
“I’m not sure you have an explanation I care to hear. There’s no excuse for the way you behaved.”
“I won’t insult your intelligence with excuses. You are absolutely right. Just let me explain what happened.”
“You’ve got five minutes, and then I’d like you to leave.”
“Thanks, Dani. It means a lot to me that you’ll listen.”
“Your clock is ticking, four and a half…”
“Right, so let me start of by saying I was a jerk, a certifiable asshole, a real idiot, and I’m sorry. My loss of control put you in an awkward and painful position. I’m sorry. But I’m glad it happened.”
Dani’s jaw dropped open and her eyes widened.
“Excuse me? You were doing so well with the ‘I’m sorry's.’ What the hell do you mean, you’re glad it happened?”
Nick held his hands up in defense and hurried to explain.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but hurting you, someone who had gone out of her way to help me, someone I care about, was rock bottom. I let my friends and the situation goad me into a panic, and I lashed out, unfortunately at the one person who had given me the gift of her strength and stability. I’m deeply sorry for it, but it forced me to see just how out of control I was and how badly I needed to get better.”
“Well, bully for you. Are you ‘all better’ now?” she asked flippantly, unwilling to let her guard down just yet.
“No, not all better. That night I lost control. It wasn’t the first time or the last. I knew I had to quit pretending everything was fine. I checked myself into the VA’s inpatient PTSD treatment program. I learned a lot over the last six weeks, about what I was doing and what I can do to handle it. It was rough. I’m better than I was, but I’ll still deal with this for a long time. It’s a long road to recovery. I’ll be in therapy for years.” He moved over to grasp her hands in his. “You are incredible for trying to help me, but I realized I wasn’t being fair to you. I’m sorry.” When she looked up and met his eyes, he repeated. “I’m sorry.”
Suddenly it all made sense. She thought back to that night. The nightmare. The crowded bar. Her broken heart. Jake’s purple face. Oh God, he went to get help, and I have been mad at him for it. Her arms wanted to reach for him and pull him into a big hug. She wanted to tell him how proud she was that he’d gone, and how glad she was he’d come back. He was doing what he needed to do to be healthy. How could she be mad at that? She wanted to kick herself for thinking poorly of him. She knew he was a good guy.
And then she froze. He was apologizing because he was a good guy. He hadn’t said anything about wanting her back. He wasn’t here with declarations of love. The pain in her heart flooded back, but she held firm against the desire to crumble. Dani felt like she’d lost something precious, her hope. He’d come back, and stripped her of her anger and her hope in one gut-crushing speech. And he was going to be back. Right across the hall. Living, and loving, and moving on with his life. And she would watch it all from the safety of her own life, because much as he deserved to move on, so did she. She shrugged her shoulders, pulling her hands free, and turned to pick up her scrub brush.
“Apology accepted. Now if you’ll excuse me…”
“Actually, I believe I have one more minute left on the clock.”
“Make it quick,” Dani fired back not looking up from her scrubbing.
“I’d like for us to be friends again.”
Dani looked at him over her shoulder, mouth agape, a dead ringer for a trout on ice.
“Look, I know I screwed up, but I want a chance to fix it. The idea of you hating me forever is killing me. Right now, it’s pretty justified, but I want a chance to change that.”
“You’re asking for an awful lot,” Dani murmured. Damn him for being reasonable. Why couldn’t he just keep being the asshole she’d painted him as so she could walk away clean? Why did he have to be the good guy who messed with her heartstrings? This would not end well. She felt that in her bones.
“I know it. I need to do this. Let me start by helping out around this place. If you can scrounge up another sponge, I’ll get the high corners for you.”
She caught and held his gaze. She saw only earnest hope in his gaze, not even the slightest hint of desire. Small wonder, given how I'm dressed. In the next breath, she scolded herself for even wishing to see desire. Desire is what had gotten them into this mess. One day after having sex with her, he was checking into therapy. Getting involved with her had broken him, and she couldn’t do that to him again. She should be happy that he was stable enough to even have this conversation. Even knowing it would likely cause her pain later, Dani couldn’t suppress her innate impulse to reach out to other human beings. Despite it not being the best idea for her, she’d give him a shot at friendship. She couldn’t say no. She just wouldn’t get over-involved like she had last time. Steeling herself with a deep breath, she finally broke the tense silence as he waited for the sponge and her decision.
“You’re right and wrong. I don’t hate you. I hate what you did and how it made me feel. But I’m willing to give you a chance. I miss our friendship, too, but that is all I’m open to rebuilding. Friendship,” she emphasized.
“Understood. Thank you.” Nick grinned, his whole frame visibly relaxing. Inexplicably annoyed, Dani chucked the sponge at him, catching him square in the chest.
“Get to work, big guy. That ceiling isn’t going to clean itself. You’ve got some serious manual labor in your near future. Start scrubbing.”
Nick laughed, climbed up on the chair, and began scrubbing the ceiling corners. He worked quietly and efficiently, and silence filled the room. Dani moved on to scrubbing the tables and booths with intense focus, willing herself not to be distracted by the very large, very handsome man in the corner. Gradually the tension left her shoulders as she relaxed into the soothing monotony of cleaning. She was a bit startled when she looked up and realized that Nick had gone outside. He'd begun working on the exterior and windows with the vinegar. She’d gotten lost in the quiet and hadn’t noticed him leave.
She took a moment to observe him, muscles flexing and bunching, as he scrubbed at the spider webs in the rafters over the door. Tantalizing hints of chiseled abs peeked out beneath his shirt as he stretched high with the broom. Sweat and soapy water had combined to mold his t-shirt to his very defined physique. His golden brown hair no longer resembled the buzz cut it had. Now, it was a shaggy sun-kissed mop that curled at his nape and ears. From the side, he looked like a mischievous little boy who'd managed to evade the comb yet again. That was until he turned those intense eyes and sculpted face towards her, and she realized that he was in fact a very dangerous man. Not physically. She refused to believe he would have hurt her that night. But he was dangerous to her peace of mind and her self-control. In light of the pain he was dealing with, the fact that he still had the power to turn her into a slack-jawed, weak-kneed, pulsing bundle of lust did not bode well for her friendship only decree. She sternly shook herself and vowed to make more of an effort with her online dating profile. Maybe if someone else distracted her, she’d have better luck keeping Nick on a platonic plane.
Though her emotions were having trouble getting on board with the new plan, she was determined to be the friend he needed. No matter how much her heart wanted to be his someone special. Bottom line, she couldn’t say no to having him in her life. Not when he needed her.