Nick made a point of helping her regularly at the café, cleaning, making repairs, installing the new floors, and helping with the heavy lifting. He helped her keep an eye on the sub-contractors, making sure they showed up and did the work they promised. He even did some sketches for the island she wanted, and was toying with building it for her. With both of them working hard, they passed the preliminary inspection two weeks into renovations.
When he wasn’t helping at the café, Nick desperately tried to fill the hours. He tagged along with Seth to his family’s woodshed. Valenti Brothers Construction were known for their custom woodwork, and Nick was a welcome addition to the crew. He entered the workshop and inhaled deeply, letting the smell of the shavings, and the whirr of the tools fill his mind. Nick immediately calmed. The sights and sounds reminded him of his brief patch of stability in high school. Memories of woodworking with his friend’s dad during the two years he’d lived with their family still brought warmth to his chest and a smile to his face. He’d forgotten how much he loved it until Seth had suggested he tag along.
“Hey, Nick! Good to see you!” Antonio Valenti, Seth’s dad, clapped his big hand on Nick’s shoulder in a bone-shaking welcome. “What are you working on today?” Tony had generously offered Nick the use of the workshop for his recovery, and he spent part of each day working with the wood.
“Nothing in particular. You got anything you need done?”
“Always, son. Always. If you want to do some of the fancy work for that custom kitchen built-in, I’d appreciate it. I’ll leave the cut-list on the counter.” Nick pitched in when they got busy, happy to return a favor, but mostly he was left to follow his own inspiration. A sense of calm and peace suffused him when he was creating something. He had built a custom fit bookcase for his place and a rocking chair with carved arms for Mrs. Grady. He also began work on the table and an island for Dani.
“I’ll check it out, see if I can help.”
“Are you sure I can’t convince you to hire on? I’d love to pay you for the work you’ve done.”
“Nah. Letting me use the shop is payment enough. But you’ll be the first to know if something changes.”
“You and my son. Both of you lazy as ever. I thought for sure the Army would have fixed that. You come for dinner on Sunday.” He shook his head and left Nick in the workshop. The Army had changed many things. He wasn’t lazy, just not whole. Every time Mr. Valenti started hinting about joining the crew full time, a flare of anxiety singed him. It was clear he could handle the work, but the idea of someone depending on him freaked Nick out. He was terrified to disappoint someone else. He picked out several pieces of scrap walnut and maple. While he thought of the other person he’d disappointed, he measured and trimmed, glued and clamped. An idea sprang into his mind, and he knew exactly what he was building and why. He set it aside to dry and turned to the more straightforward trim work. All of the loud, solitary work gave him a good chance to think.
He wasn’t ready to give up his time with Dani for a full time job, and he wasn’t sure he was steady enough for one yet either. He was still doing outpatient counseling two days a week and often, after a session, he was useless for a few hours while he recovered. No, he was content to help her get her dream off the ground and take care of himself. That was enough for now.
Dani remained a driving force behind his recovery, even if she didn’t know it. He was committed to her success. He spread the word during his weekly counseling visits at the VA about her grand opening and helped her keep up her spirits when repeated email exchanges with city hall slowed her progress. He was determined to make up for his behavior and to show her his better side. Although he hadn’t quite given up hope of redemption, he was reading her "friends only" signals loud and clear.
He continued to follow up with his therapists, and tried to be as open as possible.
“I’m lonely,” he blurted, into the silence of the counselor’s office.
“That’s a normal reaction, adjusting to life on your own after the camaraderie of the Army. Is this about Dani? I’m worried that you are pinning too much of your recovery time on her.”
“No. I’m just helping her out, trying not to be an asshole. I know I need to recover for me. I see a lot of friends and neighbors during the day, but the apartment is really quiet at night. It’s starting to get to me.”
“What do you want to do about it?”
Images of moving Dani into his place raced past his mind’s eye, but he quickly rejected the fantasy. “I don’t know.”
“What about a dog?”
“What about it?”
“Many vets have found it rewarding to have someone to take care of. Rescuing a dog from a shelter, caring for a companion, being responsible for another living being, all of these are great steps back into normal life, normal interactions. Think about it. There are lots of dogs who need a loving home. There’s a great organization down in San Martin called Operation Freedom Paws that trains vets and their dogs at the same time to help with the PTSD. I’ll get you the info.”
Nick thought about Taco and how quickly he’d bonded with Dani. At the time, he hadn’t been able to pin down his feelings, but he realized now that he had been jealous. Deep down he’d hoped that Taco would be his. Abandoning him shortly after finding him was probably not the best way to build loyalty though. Now that Taco had gone back home, Nick was really missing him. Getting another dog wasn’t a bad idea. He could start fresh.
Once the idea was in his head, he couldn’t shake it. Nick ventured out to the Humane Society of Silicon Valley, just to take a look and give the idea a trial run. He walked past the puppies as they gamboled over each other in their pens. He paused by the smaller dogs, each yapping at the gate. When he reached the special room for older dogs, he knew he’d found his mark. All those sad eyes, just waiting to be chosen. Looking at the shiny plaque over the door, he smiled. Of course it was Helen’s House. Nick remembered Dani talking about her aunt’s bequest to fund care for older dogs that were less likely to be adopted.
Once he was taken into the viewing room, a pair of big brown eyes set into a resigned face won his heart. Bella, her tag said, an eight year old coonhound/lab mix, with eyes that saw right through him and offered comfort. When they brought her out of the kennel, she sat at his feet, put one paw in his lap and laid her head down on top of it. He’d been claimed with such quiet dignity, such sweet relief, and his heart melted into a puddle on the floor.
“When can I bring her home?”
Once again, his therapist had been spot on with his recommendation. He started to work with the trainers at Operation Freedom Paws, learning how to connect with Bella and to teach her how to help him. He spent several hours every evening training with her. His new routine taking care of Bella, going for walks and runs and cuddling on the couch, helped fill the empty hours and gave him a sense of purpose and pride. She was extremely intelligent and active. She thrived in the trainings and quickly picked up the lessons. Bella learned to recognize when Nick was getting anxious as well. She would go and lean her head calmly against his thigh in silent support. It was often enough to prevent a full-blown attack. The training classes were another safe space for him. Everyone was a vet training their dogs. Everyone was hurt and trying to become whole. It felt good to be around people and pets who understood without all the questions.
As he built on his positive progress, Nick thought about Dani more and more. He needed to get back to his plan. Despite wanting to fix things with Dani, he had some work to do to get ready before actively pursuing her.
“Man, you have to get back out there.” Seth prodded him over a shared beer at Flipped.
“I’m not ready.” Nick leaned back on his stool. The idea of dating anyone but Dani made him feel sick to his stomach. Whiskey joined them at the end of the bar.
“What if you tried online dating? No pressure, you can think about what you’re saying, practice some lines.”
“Is that what you’re looking for Whiskey? Someone with good lines?” Seth teased.
“Anything would be better than what I’ve had lately, which is a big fat nothing. But if Nick is going to need to do some fancy talking to convince a certain someone special to forgive his sorry ass, he should practice first.”
Nick thought about what they said. If he was going to have to grovel, he might as well practice online first. He joined an online dating site with the intention of relearning how to talk to women, set up his profile carefully and when he clicked to submit, a list of possible matches in his area popped up on his screen.
Chuckling, he leaned back in his chair and stretched. Of course. Top of the list. SunnyD, joined recently, loves baking chocolate chip cookies and surfing. It had to be her. Fate was not quite done playing her hand, so he added Sunny D to his favorites list and logged off. He could tell Seth he had joined in all honesty, but he also recognized a sign when he saw one. He’d spent years relying on his gut instincts. They had kept him alive and almost well through multiple deployments. He wasn’t about to start ignoring them now. Dani was special, and he didn’t need to talk to anyone but her. Bella nudged her head under his elbow.
“That’s right girl. Let’s go get her.”