I race home from the hospital, even though my chest and arms ache and my eyes are sore from not sleeping.
‘Merry Christmas!’ I say to everyone I pass. ‘Have a wonderful day.’
This was fate. I don’t even believe in fate, but what the hell else could it have been?
As I walk, my brain turns over what would have happened if I hadn’t gone to the crash site, or if I hadn’t decided to stop helping Liv when she went too far.
Liv.
Yes, I feel guilty. But really, will she be heartbroken by our relationship ending? We haven’t been happy in months, if not years. The fertility issues became all that was holding us together. My mind is swimming as I click open the gate to my parents’ house and walk up the drive. The door opens. But instead of Leo, impatient to open his presents, it’s my father, his expression grim.
Fear makes my heart race. Not Kerry. Not now.
‘Did the hospital call? Has she deteriorated?’
He shakes his head. ‘No, I’m sure Kerry’s fine. It’s Liv. Have you spoken to her?’
‘No. We’ve been texting each other; she stayed at the accident scene all night, didn’t she?’
He tuts. ‘I think you’ll find she’s been back to the edit suite too. Come and see what she’s done.’
I call Liv after I’ve watched the video. ‘What the fuck do you think you’re playing at?’
‘Yeah, season’s greetings to you too, Joel. Have you left your sweetheart’s bedside specially to call me?’
Any doubt that she hadn’t known what she was doing disappears. ‘You did this . . . why?’
In the background, I hear someone call her name: she’s back at the crash site.
‘People want hope at times like this, Joel. I don’t think it’s going to do your career any harm, nor my series. A little thank you for your help last night. The sound is ropey but your actions during the rescue more than make up for it.’
‘You’ve no idea what you’ve done.’
‘Haven’t I, Joel?’
Before I can think how to respond, she continues, ‘The whole world adores a Christmas love story. Don’t worry, if anyone comes to me, I’ll lie. Tell them we’d already split up, that I wish you both well.’
For a moment, I don’t know what to say. ‘Liv, I—’
‘You’ve never been able to love me completely. I thought it was because of your heart stopping. Or that junkie who almost messed up poor Leo.
‘But it wasn’t any of that. Funny, a camera viewfinder helps you focus, cuts out all the extraneous shit, and I’ve always had an instinct for knowing how to compose the shot.
‘I saw it. You love her. Maybe you loved me a bit, in your own way. You’re not a nasty person. But the way you looked at her when she was being brought out. You’ve never looked at me like that.’
When she stops, I’m not angry anymore. I’ve no right to be. The way I feel about Kerry has been the big constant in my life since I was seventeen years old. Every time I’ve tried to ignore it, it’s damaged her and me and other people: Zoë, and now Liv, too. Love has consequences.
‘Liv. I didn’t realize how I felt until last night. If I had—’
‘I’ll try to remember that when I’m in the IVF last chance saloon. I only ask for one thing.’
‘If it’s the house, we can work it all out. I don’t want you to be worse off because this isn’t your fault.’
‘I don’t care about the house. Just promise me I don’t have to say goodbye to Leo?’
I know that splitting up from Liv is the right thing for me, but Leo can’t be allowed to lose someone he loves, the closest he’s had to a mum.
‘You can see him whenever you want.’ I think of him, still waiting to unwrap his presents. He comes first.
I wait till Leo is engrossed in his new Legend of Zelda game before I return to see Kerry. I park on the street opposite the hospital: it’s the one day of the year when Brighton’s traffic wardens aren’t on the rampage.
The hospital looks benign and safe as I walk towards it. This hospital, where most of the dramas of my life have played out.
Kerry will be pissed off about the video, but perhaps we can spin it to help raise money for the air ambulance or something? Surely what matters after all this time is that we’ve found each other again.
The burning sensation in my stomach is excitement, not fear. Isn’t it?
When I go into her bay, the curtains are drawn.
‘Kerry? Are you decent?’
I picture her naked. Imagine how it’ll feel when we make love again, after so long.
Silence.
‘Kerry?’
I know she’s there, I can hear her breathing. Mine too.
I reach out to move the curtain aside a few centimetres. She looks up at me, her face contorted.
‘Oh God, are you in pain, can I do something, get a nurse?’
‘Yeah. I’m in fucking pain, but you’ve already done enough. Your cute video? It’s going to get me the sack. I bet you never thought of that when you were trying to keep your fans happy.’
‘It wasn’t me, I swear. But why would you get the sack?’
‘Because what I did when I found that girl was reckless and dangerous. Not heroic. Not smart.’
‘But you saved her.’
She scoffs. ‘I’m not even going to waste my breath. Go away or I will call the nurse.’
I step inside the curtain. ‘No, hang on—’
Kerry holds the call button in her good hand. ‘I’ll count to three. One . . .’
‘This can be fixed.’
‘. . . two . . .’
‘Please, Kerry.’
‘Please, Kerry,’ she mimics. ‘No. Not this time, Joel. It might have taken me eighteen years but I have finally realized that you’re poison. Goodbye.’
She presses the button.
At home, I act the part in front of Leo and my parents, playing Zelda till I want to hurl the console through the window, and forcing down my Christmas dinner. Shit, I wish I still drank booze.
The next day, I go to see Ant. If anyone can fix this, it’s him. His mum is over from Spain, and they’re serving Boxing Day brunch in the cafe to people already driven stir-crazy by their families.
‘You can have him for twenty minutes, maximum,’ Ellie says, ‘but only if you take the girls out from under my feet too.’
So we cross the road and go down the steps to the beach, and I pay for Lola and Mia to ride the carousel.
Ant’s already seen the video, but I tell him how it’s got Kerry into big trouble. ‘Sounds crazy that they’d sack her for being a hero, but she’s never been someone to exaggerate. And now she never wants to see me again.’
‘Bloody hell, you’re still a trouble magnet, aren’t you, Banana Man?’
‘I need to fix this.’
‘Maybe you can’t.’
‘If you’re saying that, Ant, I really am in the shit.’
The girls spin by on their gold-painted horses and the jaunty carousel melody sounds to me like something out of a horror film.
‘You don’t have any control over what Liv put out there. You don’t have any control over whether Kerry’s bosses throw the book at her. And you certainly can’t change her mind if she believes you care more about your career than her.’
I nod. ‘Now you’ve put it like that, I guess I really am fucked.’
‘Uncle Joel, can we go again?’
I pay for them to repeat the ride. The sun is freakishly warm but I feel shivery and disorientated. What happens now?
‘You know, sometimes I do wonder if it would have been much better for everyone if Kerry had never resuscitated me . . .’
Ant gives me a strange look. ‘Don’t be so self-indulgent. It would have been a lot worse if she’d tried and failed.’
Is the world a better place with me in it? ‘What can I do, Ant?’
The carousel is slowing and the girls are clambering off. ‘Wish I knew. It’s not like you can take that video down now, is it? The whole thing’s gone viral. You just have to wait till the next sensation comes along to knock yours off the top slot. So unless you can find yourself a skateboarding duck or a dog that sings like Rihanna, you’ll have to be patient.’
I don’t move. His words swirl.
The girls swamp him with hugs and he stands up. ‘I’d better get back to the caff. You coming for a coffee? Joel?’
I stare at him, something else clicking into place. ‘You’re a genius. I think I might know what to do.’