The Valley of Light
IF WE REALLY UNDERSTOOD HOW SIMPLE IT IS TO LIVE IN PEACE AND JOY, BE ASSURED SOME INDUSTRIOUS sister would bottle and sell the formula. Then again, it is quite possible no one would believe life is simple enough to sell in a bottle. Many Black women do not trust the simple, obvious solutions. Instead, we take the hard way. We send away for the cellulite-reduction cream advertised on television at 2:00 A.M., wait four to six weeks for it to arrive. When it does, we rub, pat, brush it into those nooks and crannies on our thighs for two days before we forget about it, only to complain that we cannot get rid of the cellulite. This is so much more difficult than just eliminating fatty fried foods from our diet and drinking more water, but if it ain’t hard, it ain’t Black! Many of us believe it must be hard to be good. In some cases, the harder the better. In the case of life, this is just not the case. Life does not have to be hard! The simplest way to turn our lives into an easier, more peaceful process is to affirm, “Let there be light.”
The Valley of Light is the womb of life. It is the sacred place to which a woman must retreat in order to reconnect her life energy with that of the Divine Mother, the spirit of peace, love, and strength with which we women have been blessed. A Valley of Light experience is one which many of us Black women resist because it is a time where we will find ourselves alone. When we understand the purpose of the experience, we find it can be a rewarding and enlightening time. It is a space of time in our lives for healing, learning, and empowerment.
Unfortunately, the standards of modern lifestyles have taught us that to be alone, to be quiet, is bad, frightening, and most of all, not normal. We believe that to be “by yourself” is to not be good enough, to not be right in the world. As such, we fear and resist being alone by accepting into our lives things and people which occupy our minds and give the illusion that all is well. To reap the benefits of the Valley of Light experiences, a woman must be willing to translate being “by yourself” to being “with yourself.” When you are with yourself you receive the blessing of enlightenment. You can view an experience or the period of life in which you find yourself from a posture of introspection. Being with yourself is a time of sacred aloneness in which you can understand your lessons.
A Valley of Light experience is a calling from the Divine Mother. Whether you consider her an ancestral energy, a guardian angel, or a part of your God self, your spirit, she needs to spend time with you. In her love for and desire to heal our feminine energy, the Divine Mother surges forward in our lives, creating situations which lead us into solitude and silence. In this state, we can be nurtured and rejuvenated. She extracts us from the burdens of the world to give us an opportunity to reflect. “In quietness are all things answered and is every problem quietly resolved.”1 It is when we resist and fear being with ourselves that the experiences which take us into the Valley of Light are painful.
In my teaching, training, and travels, I have discovered that many Black women do not want to be alone. We need our friends, children, and mates to keep us company. We have been trained to welcome companionship as a statement of well-being. As young girls, we were not allowed to venture out alone. We were instructed to take a younger sibling, close friend, or adult guardian. It was necessary that we be accompanied to ward off the dangers of the world which prey on young women who travel alone. We grew up afraid to travel alone, were uncomfortable eating alone, and eventually became averse to sleeping alone.
When children are in their rooms alone, if there is no noise, parents immediately expect there is a problem. “Hey! What are you doing? Why are you so quiet in there?” Could it be they are resting? You are out to dinner with a friend who is chatting away. He/she may be telling stories, revealing secrets or new insights. You are silent. The normal response to this is, “You sure are quiet. What’s the matter with you? Something wrong?” Of course your friend never considers that you are listening. Silently, peacefully, you sit staring out of the window, looking at everything and nothing in particular. “A penny for your thoughts.” People want to bribe you, pay you off, to buy into the hidden wealth of your silence.
In silence, we have an opportunity to reflect, listen, and gain new insights about ourselves. In silence, we can think, feel, and most important of all, breathe. You dare not open your mouth and take a deep breath in a room full of people because they might think “Something is wrong.” Consequently, when you truly seek to be silent, you must also seek to be in solitude. When you seek guidance, understanding, clarity, or peace of mind, the first step is to master the art of silence and to rethink the value of solitude. Perhaps these two principles are so difficult for us to master because they are so simple.
According to Webster’s Dictionary, “to light” means “to lift up, reveal, enhance.” In silence and solitude, we can rest our minds as we lift up the energy of our soul. It is an opportunity to cleanse and free ourselves from the pressures and expectations of living. There are times when you must step back from life in order to “lighten” your load and alleviate your responsibilities to others in your life. Silence and solitude will reveal what is going on in your mind by exposing what is weighing you down. If you talk or listen to ten different people in a day, it is absolutely necessary that you weed through your mind in order to separate those thoughts of yours that are original from those that have been implanted. “Be still and know …” what part of your world is your creation and which parts you have adopted. In the Valley of Light, the contradictions and conflicts you live will be revealed.
How much do you understand about yourself, your true self? Do you understand that there are unseen energies, aspects of your nature which come into play in every situation you experience? Do you recognize, can you discern the various aspects of yourself and how they are reflected in what you do? What you experience? Many of us Black women are out of touch and therefore do not understand the core of our true nature as women.
These energies within us know all we have been and what we must become. The simplest description of the instincts and identities is “spirit,” your true identity. You are spirit expressing itself in the feminine form. For women, the purpose of the spiritual essence is “to mother.” Not solely to have children, but to mother: to create, nurture, teach, heal, and love. The purpose of the mother is to receive and create harmony, balance, beauty, peace, and unconditional love as the tools she will use to nurture, teach, and heal the world.
THE LITTLE GIRL
The Divine Mother essence takes on many forms in our being as women. She is the little girl, the virgin, the mother, and the wisewoman, known as the crone. As the little girl, she is playful, curious, and loving. She is the energy within us that wants and needs to be protected, cuddled, and loved. She needs security, guidance, and freedom. The little girl wants to dance, sing, and show off for Daddy. She needs to be carefree, knowing that Daddy and Mommy will take care of her and her needs. The little girl wants her way. She does not care about rules and has no boundaries. As far as she is concerned, the entire world exists for her and is at her disposal.
Harsh, impoverished, often cruel upbringings kill the spirit of the little girl in many Black women. As children, we are taught to fear rather than investigate; to follow rather than explore or create. Our natural curiosity and instincts are interpreted as signs of trouble; our desire to be grown too fast as a demonstration of disrespect. Our instinctual urge to feel welcomed, to be cuddled, often goes unfulfilled as we are trained, watched, and disciplined to be nice, keep still, and be quiet.
As little girls, many of us are not told we are beautiful. Rather, we are dressed up to “look beautiful” for the pleasure of our parents and the world. In large urban cities, beautiful little Black girls are prey rather than treasures. We are taught to fear who we are and what we are for the dangers and hardships it will ultimately bring to us. In response to the danger our identity presents, we must hide who we are and what we feel because of the trouble, inconvenience, and competition sure to result.
Most damaging of all is that little Black girls around the world are force-fed religious doctrine which teaches them they are evil, lowly, disobedient, and born of sin. As females we are all held to the example of a disobedient “apple eater,” destined to suffer in pain and disgrace until we find salvation. By the way, our salvation just happens to be a man. A dead man. A dead white man, but a man nonetheless. On cues from our parents, society, and church, we grow up frightened of doing the wrong thing. The fear numbs our natural instincts. Frightened, numb little girls grow up to be fearful, numb women, with no idea that they are divine expressions of life, divinely guided and perfectly protected by the Divine spirit in their being. In solitude and silence, that spirit embraces us.
THE VIRGIN
Also alive in our essence is “the virgin,” whose purity and innocence wait to be filled with light and life. Like the young, delicate, desirable virgins of the ancient African villages, there are forces in the community scrabbling and competing to win the virgin’s heart, mind, and body. Her innocence and purity are a prize. The virgin within us must therefore be instructed, prepared, and primed in order to be able to recognize who is and who is not a “suitable suitor.” Under the watchful eyes of the mother in our physical lives and the essence of the Divine Mother in our own minds, the virgin is guided as to whom and what she should submit herself to.
When the energy of the mother is strong, wise, protective, and cautious, great energy is given to instructing the virgin well. A wise mother gives her blessing only to those people and things which have the most to offer her daughter and the innocence and purity in her being. These offerings may well be economic. They must be spiritual. Then there are those more common cases when the mother, numbed from her experiences as a little girl, sells her daughter to the highest bidder, without regard for what is offered in return. When the mother is numb and fearful, not wise or watchful, the virgin girl can find herself with a destructive, even abusive suitor. Whether the suitor is an actual person, a way of life, or an unhealthy desire, the early experiences of many young Black girls conspire to rob them of their innocence and purity.
The essence of the virgin is still alive in every Black woman. There is a purity and innocence in our hearts which wants to believe in and trust people. When we are betrayed, it is the virgin who requires nurturing, tutelage. When we lose contact with her or fail to recognize and honor her, we continue to submit ourselves to people and conditions which spoil her sacred energy. If the virgin is not handled gently, carefully, lovingly, she is hurt, damaged. She becomes bitter, reluctant, resentful, and frightened.
The virgin must remember the lessons the mother has taught her: Move slowly. Watch everything. Listen carefully. Tell the truth. When we honor our innocence in this way, reminding our heart to follow Mother’s instructions, we tap into the joy that the time in the Valley of Light offers. We can be with ourselves, to nurture our wounds and to receive the guidance we need in order to be enlightened.
THE MOTHER
The Divine Mother knows the day will come when our innocence and purity will be replaced by the lessons of motherhood. I did not say “lost” to motherhood. Our innocence is never lost. It is overcast by our changing roles. The mother in every woman rises to the surface when the virgin shifts her attention from fulfilling her dreams to giving others the opportunity of realizing their dreams. The mother is not concerned with “being taken.” She is focused on preparing and instructing others on how to be taken and by what to be taken.
In ancient African societies, the mother is honored and cherished. She is left alone to nurse and fondle her child because the community understands the sacredness of a mother’s love is the strongest foundation in a child’s life. Today, the role and duties of a mother have been diminished to a chore, one which is squeezed into our responsibilities to the world and the pressures of the economy. Women are not taught to regard motherhood or the duties of a mother as sacred. Rather, we are made to feel ashamed or guilty if our “world” and our economics are not “just so” when we embark upon the role of motherhood.
The instinct of the ancient mother is alive in every woman, particularly Black women who watched their mothers care for many babies. The mother wants to hold onto the child. The mother wants to nurture, protect, and love not only the children born from her, but all children of God. What men call possessiveness, nagging, and dependency is the energy of the mother. Women who have not been given an understanding of this nature respond to it intellectually or defensively. It looks like jealousy, aggressiveness, being demanding of our mates and others in our lives. Men who have not been nurtured by or taught to respect the mother respond to the mothering instinct in women with egotistical fear: “Don’t tell me what to do!” “Why don’t you stop trying to control me!” In response, the woman shrinks away in fear, feeling she has done something wrong, she has overstepped her boundaries. Women are taught to know their boundaries and to stay in their place. In the American society today, void of cultural understanding, “her place” is subservient to the man.
In the Valley of Light, we get an opportunity to be a mother to ourselves. If we hold ourselves, nurture ourselves, talk to ourselves about our fears and dreams, the essence of the Divine Mother comes alive and knows what to do. She may guide you to wash your hair, soak your feet, make or buy a new dress, purely for your own pleasure. As you move around, following her instructions, she is talking to your heart, helping you to reflect, learn, and heal. Mother has a way of making everything better. Perhaps it is the mercy with which she accepts us. Or the grace with which she guides us. One thing is for certain: If we make a sincere effort to make the most of our time in this valley, Mother will enlighten us.
THE WISE OLD WOMAN
Perhaps the most empowering energy of the Divine Mother essence is that of the wisewoman, the elder, the “Crone.” You have seen images of her sitting on the porches in the South. You have seen her selling her wares in the open-air markets of the Caribbean and Africa. Everyone has seen her sitting in the pews of the Baptist, Pentecostal, or A.M.E. churches. Whether she is buxom and stern, or frail and gentle, her skin ashen or cold jet black, you know the Crone when you see her. It only takes one look, one experience, for you to know she knows exactly what to do.
Some women are born to be the wisewoman. Others grow into their wisdom. But all women have the essence of the Crone in their spirit. This formidable presence in your spirit knows exactly what to do at all times, under all circumstances. She is the first to yell out, “Hey! Watch it!” in your mind when you are headed for danger. When you do not heed her warnings, she does not give up. She points out to you certain details and inconsistencies about people and situations which the rational mind quickly silences. The wisewoman is the gnawing in your stomach urging you to ask certain questions. When you do not ask, she becomes the restlessness in your spirit. This elder wisewoman is the one who wakes you up in the middle of the night to tell you what is going to happen, before it happens. Do we listen to her, pay attention to her? Of course not! Why? Because we are afraid of her. We are afraid of her power.
In an African proverb the question is asked, “Who is more important, the king or the king’s mother?” In their manhood training rites, the young men are taught that without the mother, there would be no king. The Crone, the wisewoman, is the king’s mother. She gives birth to royalty. She has followed the right path, made the right decisions, and is now credited with the salvation of the village by the king’s proper rulership. The king’s mother does absolutely nothing. She may look, wave, smile, or nod—that is it. Her claim to fame is being wise, wise enough to give birth to a king.
We all remember being in church or at a public function acting out in some way. All Mother or Grandmother had to do was look. With one glance you knew she was willing and able to rock your world. You knew it then and you know it now. You know the look someone gives when something is not quite right. You know the sound they will make, the way they will tilt their head or shuffle their feet. That is the essence of the wisewoman, the same essence that was in Momma’s look and Granny’s wave of the hand. Unfortunately, we keep that essence, the wisewoman, the powerful Crone, in darkness.
Our journey to the Valley of Light is life’s way of providing us with an opportunity to reconnect with the Crone, the wisdom in our spirit. We come into the realization that we know, and knew all along, what was going on and what to do. The Crone silences the wayward child who is stomping her feet to get her way. She soothes the frightened virgin who has been manhandled and hurt in some way. She silences the fretting mother who is trying to protect you. The Crone lays all your cards on the table, forcing you to say, “Damn! why didn’t I see that before!” More often than not, she slaps you right in your face with the thing you saw but ignored, what you felt but rationalized, wanted to say but didn’t, knew but couldn’t figure out how to move. When the Crone finishes enlightening you, your natural response is, “Now what am I going to do?” Don’t worry! The Crone will instruct you wisely and specifically. The question is, can you hear it? Will you accept it? Are you ready to do what you know you must?
If Black women began to do what we know we are capable of doing, what we know we must do for our own sense of well-being, many people would be very upset. This is what we fear the most: having people angry or upset with us. We sacrifice our feelings to placate others. We put ourselves down because others have told us it is not “right” to rise up. The essence of the Divine Mother and all of her identities has been misinterpreted. Her playfulness has been called irresponsibility. Her need to be nurtured and supported has been called dependency. The innocence and purity of her nature has been called weakness and stupidity. Her power has been called evil. The very people we love and trust tell us to ignore her and listen to them. As a result, we believe it is our duty to “please” other people.
Our desire to please others forces us to say yes when we want to say no. When we find the courage to say no, we are riddled with guilt. We sell ourselves short by accepting less than we want and convincing ourselves that what we have is good enough. We do not allow the little girl to question, the virgin to explore, the mother to nurture, or the Crone, the wisewoman, to direct. In numbness and self-inflicted darkness, we accept what others want to give us, tolerate their manhandling of us, and ignore the wisdom that speaks through our hearts. When our failure to respond to the urgings of our spirit takes us into dangerous situations, the wisewoman orders the palace guards to usher us into the Valley of Light.
Pam was a workaholic, a typical affliction of many Black women. We feel guilty, sometimes unworthy, when we have nothing to do. We tell ourselves we work because we have to work. Most of us work because we do not know how to stop. We are afraid to stop. Pam was a high-profile account executive with a major advertising firm. She worked ten to twelve hours a day, every day. She managed two of the agency’s biggest accounts and several minor but important ones. Pam was also a detail-oriented perfectionist who feared criticism and could not delegate responsibility. She told herself, “Nobody can do it as good as I can.” This was an outgrowth of her mother’s old saying, “If you want something done right, do it yourself!” Pam, like many Black women, tried to do everything herself. She was pretty good at getting things done, but her demanding work habits had cost the agency six secretaries and two assistants over the three years she had been an account executive. Pam said she couldn’t help it. It was just her personality.
Whatever tasks Pam did not finish at the office, she took home. She never got much of that work done, but it made her feel and look busy. It also gave her something to beat herself up about. Pam’s evenings were reserved for choir practice, usher board meetings, aerobics, and a Spanish class. All of this went on much to the dismay of her boyfriends. Oh yes, Pam had boyfriends. She picked up a new one about every six weeks, at the disco. The disco was absolutely necessary to Pam’s well-being. It was the way she chose to unwind. Pam spent a very good portion of her money on disco clothes. The rest went to pay the charge account bills for her work and church wardrobe.
Many Black women are on-the-loose “busy freaks.” We have to be doing something every minute. If we are not busy, we are not satisfied. Pam was able to convince herself that she had a very satisfying life. She satisfied herself by working hard and having a good career. She satisfied her parents by remaining active in the church. She satisfied the world by being an “up and coming” executive, a Black female executive at that. She satisfied the men in her life by staying vibrant, in shape, and independent. Pam would never once have considered herself a “people pleaser.” She was simply doing what she had been taught every young woman “should” do: making her own way in the world. In order to make it, you had to be busy. In those very rare moments when Pam had absolutely nothing to do, she would feel herself being overtaken by a wave of unhappiness, discontentment, and fear. It never lasted long. Just as the feeling came up, Pam would find something “meaningful” to do.
When we need to stop, slow down, and listen to ourselves, life finds a way to make it possible. Pam’s agency lost three of the small accounts Pam was handling. It seems the clients wanted more personal attention and time. Of course Pam got blamed for not living up to her responsibilities. Her annual bonus was cut and one of her large accounts was given to another account executive. Right in the middle of the account shift, Pam’s father had a heart attack. He recovered, but her parents decided to move back South. They knew Pam could take care of herself and they wanted to enjoy the rest of their retirement years at a slower pace. Pam was sad but relieved. Her parents were her lifeline, but their demands and expectations of her had taken over her life.
Most of the women Pam considered to be her friends were members of the church. She had begun to notice that a few of them were questioning her about her lifestyle. These women were either married to or dating men from the church. They spent most of their spare time on church committees and other church functions. They were suspicious because they never got to meet Pam’s date and they did not know what she did with her spare time. Pam became defensive, which is what we do when we are in fear of being found out. She decided they were just jealous and ignored their questions unless answering them was absolutely unavoidable. Unfortunately, we do not realize that when we’re living a contradiction, we are out of order. We are working against universal law and nature. You cannot want to do one thing and live another forever. We know it, yet for some reason we continue to ignore and resist the signs. For Pam, the women’s questions were a sign. Her fears of being found out were a sign. She ignored the signs until they blew up in her face. The final blow came when Pam was confronted by the senior mother of the usher board who asked her to resign.
DARKNESS MUST COME TO LIGHT!
As the mother informed Pam, her latest boyfriend of three weeks was the husband of the sister of another usher board member. Pam had met him at the disco. They had been “keeping company.” Unfortunately, his wife had found Pam’s card in his pocket. Like any good wife would do, she staked out Pam’s house on a Saturday night, the night her husband had begun to disappear. She wanted to catch a glimpse of him and the “floozie” who was taking him out of church and away from his family. She caught that glimpse at 3:30 in the morning when he brought Pam home. She caught another glimpse of him at 9:30 in the morning when he left Pam’s house. In her state of distress, she told her sister, who, being on the same usher board, recognized Pam’s name immediately. The sister had told the mother and the mother was now telling Pam that although she might not have known he was married, a “good” Christian woman has no business being in a dance hall in the first place. In the second place, no truly good single Christian woman has any business being alone in an apartment with a man at 3:30 in the morning.
The mother suggested to Pam that she study her Bible and take some additional classes to familiarize herself with the moral standards and values required for Christian living. Of course, it was the mother’s duty to relate the whole story to the choir director. Who in turn had a responsibility to tell the head deaconess. Who had no choice but to tell her husband, who just happened to be Pam’s father’s best friend in the church. By the time Pam’s parents got the news, Pam was trying to kill her mother and shame her father to death with her loose and lurid behavior. After three weeks’ back-and-forth on the telephone, with her mother screaming and crying, while her father prayed for the salvation of her soul, Pam had a rip-roaring case of acne.
Pam fired her seventh secretary, which did not help her face one single bit. The acne had become so unsightly her supervisor suggested that maybe Pam should take an early vacation to give her skin a rest from the makeup. To Pam that sounded as if she had messed up again and “they” were trying to find an excuse to get rid of her. Pam responded hysterically, reminding her supervisor of all the money she had made the firm on their accounts. She went on to call the supervisor a racist thief who Pam would not hesitate to sue for discrimination.
The supervisor, a student of light, a very spiritual woman, did not take Pam’s ranting seriously. Being more concerned about Pam’s visibly distressed state, she ordered Pam to take two weeks’ vacation, with pay, and issued a memo to the personnel office stating that Pam should not be allowed in the office before the two-week period had expired. She also rehired the secretary Pam had fired. The supervisor ordered a car to take Pam home, telling her to rest and pray. Reluctantly, Pam went home for a two-week vacation in the Valley of Light.
Know thyself. Accept thyself. Love thyself. No matter what you have done, where you have been. Know, accept, love who you are. The Law of Self-Knowledge says:
To thine own self be true.
In other words, listen to your heart. Follow its prompting. Honor what you feel and act accordingly. When we break this law, the cardinal law of survival, we become pawns in the game of life. People can convince us that we are what we are not, and lead us to believe that we are not what we are. “Know thyself” means, know what makes you tick and why. Be able to identify your original thoughts from those you have adopted. It also means, trust that you can have an original thought and act upon it even when others are not “pleased” by what you are doing.
FACE YOURSELF, HEAL YOURSELF!
Self-knowledge presupposes that what you are doing is productive and satisfying for you. Self-acceptance means embracing all of you, the good and the not so good. You can always make a commitment to change those things about you with which you are not pleased. However, as James Baldwin reminded us, “You cannot heal what you will not face.” “Love thyself” means, stop denying who you are and what you feel. Stop criticizing yourself. Take a moment to look yourself in the face, at least three times a day, and say, “I love you.” It also means, do what makes you feel good without asking for anyone’s approval or authorization. These three acts—knowing, accepting, and loving—are very difficult for Black women who are people pleasers. We become so derailed by what we have done or not done to make others happy, and understandably forget about ourselves.
One of the most difficult challenges Black women confront in knowing, accepting, and loving ourselves is accepting that we have made a mistake, been wrong about something or someone, or that we have made a poor choice or bad decision. Somewhere, deep inside, we believe that to say we are wrong is to admit, “Something is wrong with me.” Even if we believe there is something not quite good or right about who we are, we do not want to admit it to other people. So we do not admit it. We make excuses for the way we think and behave. We create stories; tell outright lies; hold our parents, personality, or the zodiac accountable for our humanness. It’s these very stories, lies, and excuses which take us straight into the valley.
Black women do not understand there is no wrong in being human. There are only lessons. No matter how outlandish, ridiculous, or irresponsible our behavior may be at any given time, we do what we do based on who we are and the information we have at the time. Know. Accept. Love. There is nothing wrong with you. There is, however, always room for improvement and change. Valleys are designed to help us improve who we are and what we do. But first we must know who we are.
We create our lives by our thoughts, particularly the thoughts we have about ourselves. Who and what we think we are today has been influenced by what we have been told throughout our lives. Repetition is the mother of skill. If we hear something often enough, we will become very skillful at believing and ultimately doing it. If we do not examine what we hear, we adopt it as a belief and incorporate it into our thoughts, emotions, and behavior. Eventually, we lose sight of and touch with our true identity, seeking instead what we have been told and have been trained to be. More important, we become what we have been told not to be because that is our most dominant thought pattern.
One thought will not make you or destroy you. It is the habitual thought patterns, reinforced by emotions, which eventually grow into a self-concept. If you grow up in a family where everyone wore a size five dress when you wore a size ten, you may believe you are fat. Your constant thoughts about weight, feeling and looking big, are sure to draw comments from the people in your life, such as “Are you gaining weight?” When you go shopping, you can bet you will find a rackful of size sixes or eights, but no tens. In your mind, this reinforces the idea that you are fat, when in fact, the idea has drawn you into the situation.
DON’T PICK YOUR SCABS
Without self-knowledge you cannot have self-acceptance. Without self-acceptance, you cannot have self-love. When you do not know, accept, or love yourself unconditionally, one of the things you do is what I call “picking your scabs.”
Remember how when you were young, if you fell or sustained any kind of wound, after the bleeding and soreness was over, a scab would grow to cover the wound? As children, we had a tendency to pick at our scabs. Out of our two legs, one leg would be beautiful, completely unscarred. That leg we paid no attention to at all. Instead we took advantage of every available opportunity to show the scabbed leg to any and everyone who would look. We had no shame about it. We would pull our pants leg up or our pants down, depending on the location of the wound, to show family, friends, or strangers the unsightly scab in the most private locations on the body.
Showing the scab was not enough; we had to pick it. We would pick the corners, the top layer, all of the loose, weak parts became subject to our filthy fingers and public view. As adults, we do the same thing with ourselves and our lives. We find the weak spots in our character, the loose parts of our lives and we pick, pick, pick. Pointing them out, showing them off, making sure everyone knows we have a scab, a wound, a weakness. What this looks like in our lives is the inability to accept compliments. If someone compliments us, we are quick to point out what is wrong, not good about the very thing they are complimenting. It is also our eagerness to put ourselves down: “Oh no, I can’t do that! I’m too …”
We love to pick on ourselves. However, when someone else points to the very same thing, if they comment on a weakness or a sore spot, we are incensed: “Oh no! You can’t pick my scab! When you do it, it hurts.” I remember when my mother tried to put the Mercurochrome on my cuts and wounds, I screamed bloody murder. When she did it, the pain was unbearable. When I did it, I knew exactly how much pressure to apply, where to touch and how to touch. I also remember what my mother would tell me about picking my scabs: “Why don’t you leave that thing alone! If you keep picking at it, it will never heal.”
Self-knowledge is not about picking your scabs, beating up on yourself; feeling bad about your wound or weak spots. It means that you recognize you have them, make a commitment to nurture and strengthen them, and leave them alone to heal. Stop pointing out to people what you cannot do, how bad and weak you are. By all means, apply the right amount of pressure to facilitate your healing, but do not pick your scabs! At the other extreme are those of us who know we have scabs and wounds. We do not pick them or show them off. We cover them up. If you have an open, gaping wound which you keep covered, it will fester and become infected. The infection can travel throughout your entire body, creating a seriously life-threatening condition. Emotional and spiritual wounds can be just as infectious as physical ones.
A wound needs air in order to heal. We must talk about and expose those things which have hurt or harmed us in some way. Our wounds need nurturing care in order to heal. If we are to nurture and heal, we must admit that the wounds exist. We must carefully do what is necessary to help ourselves feel better. The minute we go into fear, shame, or guilt about having a wound, about how we got it or what we have done in response to the pain of the wound, we want to hide. When we hide our emotional and spiritual pain, it infects and affects who we are and what we do.
Pam knew or had reason to know that she was on a collision course. She had difficulty reconciling her commitment to the church with the fact that she picked up men in the disco, but she was wounded. She knew what her parents wanted her to be. She knew what the world expected of her. She knew what men demanded of her, but she would not allow herself to think about what she really wanted for herself. Her lifelong dream had been to be a dancer, but she had been taught dancing was an evil act. Pam had decided that what she wanted for herself was “wrong” and that what she should do was to make sure she followed the warnings her parents had given.
Pam is an example of many Black women who allow other people to “should” on them. We can become so preoccupied doing what we “should” do that we lose sight of and touch with the very thing which will make us happy. There were many instances in which Pam could do what she wanted to do in an honorable way. She could have been a dance teacher or a dance therapist, but she never took the time to think about it. She would not allow herself to consider it. For Pam, dancing meant using the body she feared, and losing her parents’ love. Rather than risk that, she hid her dancing the way she had been taught to hide her body.
To compensate for the void we experience in our hearts and minds when we are doing what we should do, rather than what we want to do, we fill every moment with activity. Pam used work. Others of us use food, sex, drugs, children, television, caring for ailing parents, or any number of excuses to convince ourselves that what we need or want to do is impossible. We do not think. We do not allow ourselves to feel. On those rare occasions when we do think or feel, we berate ourselves. We push ourselves deeper into self-denial by becoming occupied with details of what we are doing. It takes time and energy to make sure whatever you are doing is done “right.” The time it takes eliminates the chances for the brain to slip back to your “self” and what you want. It is a vicious cycle which keeps us in darkness and pain. It is this darkness and pain which comes rushing to the surface when we are finally alone.
Pam had many faces she worked hard to maintain. The Pam who sang in the choir or marched down the aisle in an usher’s uniform was not the same Pam who twirled around the dance floor. The disco Pam was not the same Pam who showed up for work at seven forty-five in the morning. One of the first lessons we must learn in the Valley of Light is, “Be yourself.” Pam, like many Black women, wore masks to suit the roles she played. The roles we live are not always a true reflection of who we are or who we want to be. They are the roles we have been given. They are the instruments which keep us from being true to ourselves. We always know when we are not being true to ourselves because we live in fear—fear of being found out. We fear being discovered. We try to run away from our true self and desires. But like the commercial told us, “You can’t fool Mother Nature!”
Being clear about who we are, what we need and want to feel good about ourselves, is one of the basic lessons we learn in the Valley of Light. It is called self-awareness. The key to awareness is reflection. We must think about, reflect on, what we are doing and feeling in order to determine if it is good for us. As we reflect, we become aware. It becomes very clear which of the things we are thinking, saying, or doing create conflict in our lives. We become aware of the contradictions we are living. If we are honest with ourselves, if we resist the urge to blame others, if we can resist the urge to be ashamed or guilty, we will be guided into appropriate action. If we make any excuses for ourselves, however, we will be pushed deeper into darkness.
If you are willing to grow, pain and darkness often bring you to the light. If you can master the art of being still, you will get an opportunity to see yourself, where you have been and where you want to go. When you are alone, you come face to face and to grips with what you are doing and why. This is the process of awareness, figuring out what is necessary and unnecessary, wanted and unwanted, in your life. With awareness, you can differentiate yourself from the other people in your life. You can hear your thoughts and examine your emotions. However, if you continue to resist the light of silence and solitude, negative emotions will surface and put you back on a path which leads to an even deeper valley.
Awareness is the value in the Valley of Light. By reflecting on ourselves and our experiences, accepting what we see, making choices and changes without fear or resentment, we become aware. Awareness enables us not only to know a thing exists in us, but also to recognize how it operates. When we know who we are, we become aware of how we function. When we are aware of how we function, we are not as ready and willing to accept what people say about us. The true value of awareness is that it provides us with the courage and strength to resist those people and conditions that do not reflect the true image of who we are.
Pam had no idea she was in a valley. She was just afraid. She was afraid of losing because losing meant she was wrong. She was afraid to reject the teachings of her parents, although she did not believe in them, because she was afraid of losing their love. She really believed she was doing the right thing by not honoring her feelings and pleasing other people. Because she put all of her time and energy into doing the “right” thing, she was afraid of being questioned or challenged. Questions made her angry and resentful. If you go into a valley experience angry, afraid, or resistant, you will not see the light. Anger and resentment often lead to overt and covert rebellion. If you are to benefit from the value of silence and solitude, you must first make peace with yourself and allow yourself to feel.
If there were a motto for the Valley of Light it would be, “Know thyself. Accept thyself. Love thyself.” That is where the lesson begins. Who am I? How do I feel about me? What do I want? What am I doing? What do I need to know? These are basic questions to ask yourself when you are seeking the light. Take a bath. Listen to some music. Stare out the window. Ask the questions and wait for the answers. There is something, a force, an energy in you, that needs to be nurtured and healed. That is the value of the Valley of Light. It is the opportunity to nurture yourself. Born and raised to be people pleasers, many of us Black women are not aware of our own essence or energies. We believe as long as we are busy we are fine. Being in the Valley of Light is usually the opportunity to discover what we need to really be fine.
If I had a nickel for each time I really thought I knew what I was doing, I would be rich! I had no idea how confused and out of touch I was until I took a moment to seriously look at myself. I was not only blind, I was deaf and dumb about the things which really should have mattered to me. I thought I did not matter, so I did not, could not, trust myself. I believed no one really cared about me and concluded I must have done something to make them feel that way. Most of all, I did not like me. I was all wrong. The events in my life led me to these conclusions. However, I must admit I willingly accepted them. What is the lesson in feeling ugly, being wrong, believing you are worthless? The only way to understand is to have some light shed on your issues.
When you have a negative experience and find yourself alone, it is quite possible you have entered the Valley of Light. Remember to detach. Do not allow yourself to be dragged through an emotional frenzy. Get still in order to reflect on what has happened. Without judgment or criticism, discern—figure out what is going on in order to find the lesson. Admit to yourself how you have contributed to the experience by your own behavior. Integrate that information into your consciousness and make a choice to continue or discontinue that behavior. Make a commitment to employ whatever virtue is required to help you feel better. Make an honest assessment of what you need to do to avoid the situation again. Then and only then will you move up and out of the valley. Let us apply this concept to Pam.
Pam needed time to get in touch with herself. Her parents’ absence and her forced leave from work provided just the opportunity she needed, although Pam misinterpreted this opportunity. Time off from work with pay, regardless of the circumstances which led up to it, is a blessing. This was time for Pam to take a look at life and decide whether she wanted what she had or something else. Pam needed to assess what part of her behavior and life was self-satisfying and what part was in response to her need to please. Reflection was a critical issue for her. No one had forced Pam to do anything. She had made choices to do or not do what she believed she “should” do. Her choice was really simple: Did she want to be happy or did she want to please her parents? As difficult and frightening as it seemed, Pam would be forced to go against everything her parents had taught her in order to pursue her dream of being a dancer. If she chose not to dance, she would then need to choose something else which would make her feel just as good and worthy.
There is absolutely no way to get clear about your life until you are clear about and comfortable with yourself. If there is anything you do not like about you, it will become an issue for you as you move through life. Most of the things we believe and do not like about ourselves are things other people have told us. The things we have been told, the things we witness and experience, create wounds in our emotional and spiritual psyche. Pam needed to work through some very serious issues about her body and sexuality. Very often, the religious doctrines to which we are exposed as children create distortions in our minds. As we mature and are exposed to different views, conflict sets in and we are forced to live contrary to what we have been taught and told. Life experiences and the lessons we must learn shed light on the conflicts and contradictions in which we live.
Parents have a way of getting over their disappointment, particularly if you are successful at what you choose to do. The little girl in Pam needed to know it was fine for her to play and dance. With all of the working, hiding, and living up to expectations, the fun had gone out of her life. Pam’s virgin, her innocence and purity, had been damaged by the demands placed upon her and those she placed upon herself. You must give yourself the opportunity to make poor choices. If you do not make mistakes, you do not learn. In our innocence, we often choose things for ourselves which later prove to be unwise. This is how we grow. You can never do the wrong thing. If what you do does not work for you, you know what not to do the next time around. Pam had never explored the possibility of being a dancer. She chose her parents’ work ethic to define the parameters for her own life.
There comes a time in your life when you have to choose what you want over what has been given to you. When the light hits an object, all of its imperfections become visible. That is what a Valley of Light experience does for us. Once we are able to pull back and look at our lives, we can see what is really going on. Once you can see, you can choose. Even if Pam chooses to stay in her current career and the church, she will still need to make some choices and changes. Her fear of her body and her fear of criticism and questions are related to feelings of being and doing wrong. Her need to please others is related to feelings of unworthiness. The fact that she never takes time for herself is a critical issue relating to self-love and self-acceptance. Before she can be or do anything, Pam will need to become aware of who she is and what she wants for herself. She is a human being, bound to make mistakes, incapable of controlling everyone or everything. Once she truly understands this, she will have less of a need to please others and the courage to please herself.
How do we know Pam is in the Valley of Light? The first clue is that she has been isolated. She is alone and has nothing to do. The second clue is that all of Pam’s issues revolve around her, what she has done or not done. There is no one else playing a critical role in the situation. Her parents, the mother usher, and the boyfriend are all objects which were used by life to bring the situation to a head. The most revealing clue of all was the acne. The question which comes to mind is, What face are you showing the world? Not everyone who goes into this valley will get acne, but the body will let you know there is something going on which you must clear up. The fact that the supervisor was supporting Pam in her enlightenment is another clue. The universe always has a way of giving us exactly what we need even when we fail to recognize it. Two weeks with pay is a good way to get in touch with yourself. Unfortunately, it took Pam a week to be able to calm down enough to enjoy it. In the end, Pam left her job and went back to school to study dance therapy. Today she owns her own consulting firm.
1 *Foundation for Inner Peace; A Course In Miracles, Tiburon, CA 94920 (1976) Pg. 363.
MEDITATION WITH THE MOTHER
—PROVERBS 9:6
Forsake the foolish and live; and go in the way of understanding.
Do you argue with your breath? Do you give directions, opinions, or doubt and question the ability of your breath to do its work, your work? I am as close to you as your breath. Yet you know me not. You embrace the symbols. Use the words. Wear the garment. And still you question the reality and relevance of your spiritual nature. You hate, you fear, you feel anger—emotions which are restrictive to your nature. Then you question whether spirit can provide for your needs, satisfy your desires, protect and guide you. You concern yourselves more with what you eat than how you pray, if you pray, believing the answers will come. This, my daughters, is the effect of your lack of understanding, your disconnection from the truth.
I am at your core. Beneath the lies, misconceptions, prejudices, and fears, I lie dormant at the gate of your soul, silenced by the hurt, anger, and burdens you accept from your experiences. I am sprawled, wounded, in your minds, covered by miseducation, social distortions, and the limitations of your human perceptions. Yet you know me. I am there at your darkest, weakest, and most troubling times. You doubt, yet I know: Not until you take the time to dig me up, dust me off, and listen to my murmurings will you know truth, build knowledge, and develop understanding. This, dear daughters, is your challenge in life.