The Valley of Understanding
YOU ARE IN TROUBLE, CRISIS, OR CONFLICT. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO, WHICH WAY TO TURN, HOW TO get yourself out of a situation that you really do not understand how you got into in the first place. Your back is up against the wall. Suddenly, miraculously, something or someone comes along offering the prospect of salvation. You are not sure what to do, but you know you have to do something. You reach out to, grab onto, embrace this thing or person. At first, things seem just fine. As time goes on, you begin to notice that this thing or person is not what you need, want, or hoped for. Do you stop? No! You stay in the situation, telling yourself it will get better soon. It doesn’t, and before you know it, you are in a worse situation than before. Once again, you don’t know what to do.
I have watched this scenario over and over again. With family members, friends, friends of friends—for that matter, with myself. When we find ourselves in a difficult situation, we shift into fear, panic, or desperation. Rather than asking for guidance, praying for clarity, or refusing to do anything until we are sure of what to do, we keep moving. We move in confusion, unaware we are doing the very same thing, in the very same way, that got us into trouble in the first place. We start judging, thinking, where we “should” be, how people “should” respond, and guesstimating what “should” happen. We just do not understand “should” may have absolutely nothing to do with what “is”! We do not understand there is a part of our nature crying out for evolution. There is something we need to learn.
I will speak for myself here. One of the reasons I do not stop moving and doing when I know I should is I have convinced myself that if I don’t do something, nothing will get done. There is the martyr in me. She thinks, “Since I’m the one who created the mess, and the one who will get blamed for it, I’m the one who has to fix it.” Then I get scared. I am afraid I will do the wrong thing, afraid someone will find out I did the wrong thing. My fear makes me judge. I start “shoulding” all over myself and others. It’s a vicious cycle which I have difficulty understanding until I find the courage to say, “STOP! I don’t know! I don’t understand what I am doing to create the mess! I don’t understand what is really going on!” Please notice I do not ask “What am I doing wrong?!”
When you do not know what to do, don’t do anything! When you are not clear, not sure, don’t move. The time to get clear is at the very moment when your back is against the wall. That is when you have to stop grabbing, pushing, pulling, trying. You must suspend all judgment, surrender all fear. At the very moment you are at your weakest, in your most confused state of mind, that is when you have to tell yourself, “STOP! I don’t know what to do here! I am in trouble! I need help!” This is what the average Black woman does not understand, and it is this lack of understanding that takes her into the valley.
JoAnne was young and attractive. She had finished college and was working in her divine position, doing what she loved. She was spiritually attuned, politically conscious, and dedicated to the empowerment of women. Then she met him. Actually, she had met him years before. This time they had an opportunity to talk and get together. They really got together for about four months. Things were fine and then she showed up, his daughter’s mother. Unfortunately, she showed up just around the time JoAnne had told him she was pregnant.
He told JoAnne all he wanted was to be a good father to his daughter. He told her he wanted to be there for her when she had the baby. He even went so far as to indicate that he was not averse to getting married to her, if that’s what she wanted. JoAnne watched to see how he handled the situation with his daughter’s mother. She was not too pleased; his words and his action were in conflict. If you don’t want her, why is she staying at your house? If there is nothing between the two of you, why is she calling my house? Time always reveals the truth of a situation.
When JoAnne was a young girl, she had some problems with one of her ovaries. There was a surgery. She had been told it would be very difficult for her to conceive and carry a child. When she discovered she was pregnant, JoAnne decided she was going to have the baby no matter what he did. She had prayed about it and felt pretty comfortable that it was the right thing for her to do. He still called; they continued to see each other. He sounded supportive, but time always tells.
He called one Thursday and told JoAnne he wanted to take her out Friday. They went to dinner and the movies and had a pretty good time. There really was a strong attraction and a good energy between them. He called on Saturday for small talk and promised to call on Sunday. Before he called, JoAnne called him to invite him over for dinner. He said he couldn’t come. He was too busy. He was getting ready for his wedding, which would take place before a justice of the peace on Monday morning.
Understanding ourselves, people, and life is not like understanding algebra. In algebra, understanding means being able to apply a formula and with a little work, some manipulation of the elements, you will be able to figure out what is going on. There is a right answer because numbers are stable. Numbers are definitive. People are not! We cannot apply a formula to people believing they will come out exactly the way we expect. People are in a constant state of flux. There are times when they are moving up or forward. At other times, they move in the opposite direction. Most of the time, the average person cannot figure out how he or she is moving. In the midst of confusion, you cannot apply a formula, expecting that what you want to happen, will happen. Sometimes it does. Most of the time, it does not.
In the Valley of Understanding we encounter those experiences which teach us to stop what we are doing long enough to accept what we see without judgment. Judgment is the process whereby we label and categorize situations and people based on what they appear to be, without full knowledge of what they are. Judgment prohibits true understanding. The minute we start thinking we know what should and should not be, or what we should or should not be experiencing, we are judging. We set off an energy of resistance that prohibits a true understanding of ourselves and what is really going on.
“To understand” means to go beneath the surface and identify the truth. Truth is the consistent part of the thing. It is the natural outgrowth of a series of events in the process of life. Truth has nothing to do with what we think or what we know. There is so much that we do not know, cannot see, and without divine guidance, our ability to understand is limited. In times of confusion, we do not really want to understand, we want to get out of the situation. We panic. Our thinking becomes distorted. You cannot reach true understanding from a position of mental and emotional distortion and panic. This is why you must stop. Get still. Appeal to the universe for help. Once you are still, the brain slows down and you are able to gain some insight and understanding through the process of discernment.
The ability to discern is the ability to use spiritual vision and insight. It is the first step toward understanding. When you can see through what is taking place on the physical level and recognize what it is on the spiritual level, you will know the truth. Let us say you are in a heated debate with someone. In the midst of your discussion that person starts to call you names or talk about your mother. If you cannot discern or figure out that this person is angry about something that has nothing to do with you, you will react, respond, and retaliate in response to what is being said. If in the past you have judged yourself or your mother, you will immediately become defensive and allow the person to engage you in further debate. You will be hostile, angry, confused as to why this person thinks she or he has the right to say these things to you. Stop! Understand that what has been said has nothing to do with you or your mother. Know the truth. The person is angry or upset. Understand that you have no need to respond or react. Shut up, or let the person know she or he has overstepped her or his boundaries. Walk away, understanding that you are not responsible for whatever is going on with her or him, nor do you choose to accept it in your space.
Discernment takes the guesswork out of living because it eliminates the need to judge, guess, wish, or hope. Discernment eliminates the need to panic because it de-charges the negative thought patterns we have developed as a result of our past experiences and future fears. As we de-charge our negative experiences, we become less resistant to the truth of what we are now experiencing. Discernment leads to acceptance, which is the foundation of understanding. When we understand ourselves and what is going on, we understand why we respond the way we do. This is the level of understanding that leads to mastery of our human nature—the very nature which leads us into situations we do not understand.
You don’t understand why your mother always criticizes you. You don’t understand why your brother, sister, or best friend never does what he or she promises. You don’t understand why your boyfriend or husband lies to you. It is not your job to understand other people. It is your task to understand yourself and your nature as a human being. Understanding or accepting other people is difficult because we have not been taught to accept ourselves. As we see it, there is always something to fix, change, or do to make others the way we want them to be and ourselves better than we are. If you are a Black woman, you always have the need to make a few tucks here, a few nicks there, in order to get it just right. Fixing people, changing things, doing everything in our power to make sure things are the way we think they should be, often leads to misunderstandings. We think the fault lies with other people rather than ourselves because we do not understand ourselves.
When people are treating me badly, I examine what I have been thinking about myself. When I am experiencing lack, limitation, or restriction of any kind, I analyze what I have been thinking and feeling about money and prosperity and my ability to enjoy them. More often than not, I discover, my past experiences—many of which I did not understand—have led me to draw certain conclusions about myself, others, and the situation I am experiencing. All experiences are lessons which demonstrate to us how we will respond and what we will do under any given set of circumstances. If we can learn lessons from our experiences, we can begin to recognize that all experiences come in response to some part of our nature, something we were thinking, feeling, or doing.
When we learn not to judge and label our experiences and other people, we cleanse our thoughts and that part of our nature. Your nature, what you are missing, what you do not understand about yourself, attracts your experiences. Human beings naturally want to fix what they have or adjust themselves to it, no matter how happy or comfortable they are at the time. We fear looking bad in the sight of others, and losing what we have. Most of us are so afraid of losing “the little” we have that we avoid the discernment process and thereby limit our ability to understand. Furthermore, most of us resist accepting the truth. We label what we have as something else, something it is not. It is our very own judgments, beliefs, and nature that we do not understand, that continue to create repeat performances of painful experiences.
If you are an honorary member of the Trials and Tribulations of a Black Woman’s Life Alliance, I am sure you want to find JoAnne’s beau and cut him down. STOP! We may not understand what is really going on. There are certain basic life lessons which confront all human beings on the path to enlightenment and mastery. In the search for a spiritual center, mastery of these lessons is a must as they are the keys to overcoming the challenges and obstacles which plague us. These lessons have nothing to do with what goes on in the outside world. They teach us what we need to know about ourselves. They strengthen our ability to master our nature and confront the world.
We must realize that as long as we see our problems coming from outside sources, there can be no solution. How can we hope to understand these outside forces which encroach upon us? We cannot. Are we therefore doomed to live in a state of fear and powerlessness, unable to determine when these forces will strike? Of course not. In mastering life’s basic lessons, we understand how the problems we encounter are grounded in our own nature and inner conflict. When we begin to harmonize our internal energy, to master ourselves, we will neutralize our conflict by understanding we are the solution to all of our problems.
KNOW THAT YOU KNOW
We know. We always know what is really going on with us and around us. There are times when we know but the situation is too painful to face. At other times we know, but we let fear blind us in order to tell ourselves that what we see and know is not really happening. Most important of all, we always know what we are doing or not doing to cause our pain, our valley experience. We call it different things at different times, but we do know. A major challenge Black women face is taking the time to listen to what we know, in order to understand and become consciously aware of how to utilize what we know. Any valley experience is an opportunity to stop, listen, and learn about ourselves. The lessons are not new. They are things we do not realize we know because we are moving so fast, in fear or panic. Unfortunately, even when we know what to do, we make excuses for not doing it.
The minute the woman showed up on his doorstep and he could not get rid of her, JoAnne knew something was not quite right. To her credit, she slowed down, asked some pertinent questions, and made certain demands. People may say one thing, but their actions always tell us what is going on. If we love them or want them, it is difficult for us to see. If we are in fear of repeating old patterns, making the same mistake again, we will tell ourselves that what we see is not real. We can tell ourselves anything we like, anything we need to hear to get ourselves through the moment, but in the end we will have to admit, we knew the truth the moment we saw it.
STILLNESS
In order to master the lessons of the university of life, we must first learn to “be still.” An ancient African proverb reminds us, “You cannot see yourself in running water.” In order to see your reflection in any body of water, the water must be still. Spirit is the water of life, the essence of our energy in life. In order for us to truly see our lives, we must stop our activity and be still. Only in the stillness of mind and body can we come to “know” what action to take and in which direction we should move. In order to master stillness, we must learn to be patient.
If it were ten years ago and I were JoAnne, I would have been on his doorstep Monday morning with a whip in one hand and a butcher’s knife in the other. Of course I would have accomplished nothing other than to embarrass myself and cause a scene. But I must admit I would have been there. Today, however, I realize that when a challenge is staring you in the face, you shouldn’t move. Don’t think. Don’t speak. The first thing you must do is breathe. Focus on your breath. Focus on your heart. Let the thoughts float through your mind. Don’t hold on to a single one. Let the spirit of the divine nurture you, guide and heal you. If you can get still for just a few moments, you will be shown or told exactly what to do.
PATIENCE
The Gallo wine slogan, “We will sell no wine before its time,” is the best example of patience in action. No matter how hard we try, we cannot make things happen before they can happen. This is a difficult principle for many Black women to accept. Our belief in the lack of good, our belief that we cannot have what we want, and our need to be in control urge many of us to insist on making things happen before it is time for them to happen. This often results in our disappointment, which we then blame on others. Patience allows us to understand and accept that there is a divine order which prevails in life. Once we have done all we can do to the best of our ability, with good intent, we must learn how to wait for the final outcome. The reason we become impatient is that we have not mastered the ability to trust.
JoAnne was four months pregnant when the crisis came to light. No matter what she did or how she did it, she would have to wait another five months until she had the baby. Everything takes place in its own time, in its own way, the divine way. She may have wanted the answer right then and there. She may have wanted to know how the situation would be resolved or handled. Nothing she could do would bring her the answers any faster than they were ordained to come. She could insist, demand, stand on her head, hold her breath, but nothing would speed up time. That is why patience is so important. It teaches us that no matter what, we are really not in charge or control. We must wait for the final outcome. Patience does not mean we back down, lie down, or give up. We must understand that patience is a virtue which keeps us in alignment with the divine.
TRUST
We, as Black women, are taught to doubt our abilities and capabilities. We have been taught to doubt the small, still voice which speaks to us, the voice of spirit. We question whether or not this voice is real and whether or not it is right. The indoctrination to doubt self is the major challenge to developing and mastering trust of our spiritual self and developing enough understanding to stay out of valley situations. The key to mastering trust is in “knowing” we are worthy of the best. We must then trust that our good will arrive in divine time. When we know and trust there is goodness with our name on it, we become patient and peaceful. Those of us who have not mastered the ability to trust may also have missed the lessons of stillness and patience. However, we must master each of these before we can understand or master the lesson of faith.
JoAnne will have to trust that no matter what the father does, she and the baby will be fine. It may not be easy. She may not understand why this has happened or how it happened. She may want answers, need them to make sense of the situation. All of that is to be expected. What JoAnne must now focus on is providing a safe environment for herself and the baby. She must love herself, take care of herself, trusting that at the right time, everything she needs and needs to know will be presented to her.
FAITH
Prayer is asking for rain. Faith is carrying an umbrella. Faith is the inner sense of knowing that with divine order working on your side, all things will come together for your good. We must master faith in order to take the right steps in the right direction. We must also master faith because outward appearances make us lean toward believing the worst. When we cannot see what is going on, we convince ourselves that what we cannot see is bad and we become fearful. Faith is the only way to conquer fear. Faith is like planting a seed. Even if you cannot see the roots taking hold or the stem sprouting up, you know the seed is growing. With patience, trust, and faith, you can be still and wait, knowing that what is now invisible will become visible. Once you have planted the seed, your job is to know the truth and practice faith.
In our deepest, darkest moments, when we need it the most, we lose faith. We lose faith in ourselves. We lose faith in our Creator. We want to blame ourselves and others for whatever situation we find ourselves in. JoAnne had lost faith in men, found it, and was about to lose it again. She did not understand that faith has nothing to do with the way people act. Faith is knowing that there is a divine plan and purpose for everything in life. There are no accidents! Everything happens according to the Creator’s will. That will molds us, shapes us, and teaches us what we need to learn. Every woman has loved a man who did not turn out to be exactly what she thought he would be. We lose our faith because we forget that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. We put our faith in the person rather than in having faith that we will understand the reason, survive the season, or make it through the lifetime according to the Creator’s plan.
TRUTH
We cannot be patient or trust and exercise faith when we do not know the truth. Truth is not telling ourselves what we want to hear or limiting ourselves to what we know. Truth is not seeing things the way we think they should be or want them to be. Truth is the consistent and natural flow of events based on universal laws and principles. The basic truth is, “God is.” The supporting truth is, “I am because God is.” Whether you believe, accept, or practice the truth that you are a unique and wonderful expression of God does not change the truth. You will, however, be affected according to your ability to recognize and practice it.
The truth is, God is the spirit in us, dependent on us to glorify the attributes and qualities attributed to God. The truth is, spirit is not limited to what we know or what we can do. The truth is, we limit spirit when we are impatient, when we do not trust, and when we do not recognize the truth. Our willingness to know and live the truth will determine how we view life and how life responds to us. Once we know the truth, it is easy to be patient, have faith, and trust that the spirit in us knows what we need.
We often mistake facts for truth. Facts are subject to change. The truth never changes. The fact is, JoAnne really believed the man she was sleeping with loved and cared about her. The truth is, the man JoAnne thought she was having a relationship with obviously does not love or care about himself. The fact is, JoAnne is pregnant by a man who, in the midst of her relationship with him, married someone else. The truth is, JoAnne is part of a divine, universal plan and she has been chosen to bring forth the life of a child of God. The fact is, a man JoAnne loved, cared for, and surrendered her body to, lied and deceived her. The truth is, JoAnne could only love this man as much as she loved herself. She shared a part of her life with him because she chose to in return for the joy it gave her. His dishonesty and deception have nothing to do with her. That is his issue, his problem, and his challenge. The fact is, JoAnne is alone, pregnant, hurt, and disillusioned. The truth is, with the spirit of the Creator moving in and through you, you are never alone. The hurt and disillusionment is part of a lesson. When JoAnne gets the lesson, she will get over the pain.
DISCIPLINE AND OBEDIENCE
When you understand the truth, that spirit is an active and essential part of your life, you will become less resistant to the voice of spirit as it guides you. Obedience means doing as you are inspired to do without doubt or fear, trusting faithfully that if you are patient the seeds you plant in prayer and deed will grow into viable conditions in your life. You cannot be obedient without discipline. Discipline harnesses the mind and strengthens the spirit. Like runners, we must practice discipline at every opportunity. We must pray, meditate, and conduct our lives in a disciplined manner. When we are disciplined, we are not easily led off the path that leads toward our good or into a valley. Obedience and discipline, once mastered, are the natural stepping stones to the next lesson, responsibility.
JoAnne decided to begin and end each day with prayer and meditation. She set aside a corner of her room, a chair, and a small table on which she kept her Holy books, a candle, and a glass of water. Her sessions lasted ten to twenty minutes. Some days she just sat and listened. Other days she cried and asked for strength. Each day she sat she realized she was getting stronger and feeling better. When she received a message or inspiration, she followed it. One day, she was guided to call her old beau, a brother she had had a good relationship with, but whom she had left because she was not ready. He was glad to hear from her, happy to know she was expecting, and asked her if she would like to go out for dinner.
RESPONSIBILITY
Responsibility is a critical lesson for Black women who seek personal and spiritual growth. We are responsible for creating in our lives the conditions we desire. As such, we are required to think and speak responsibly, to act responsibly, and ultimately to take responsibility for what we think, say, and do. When you are responsible, you are not willing to assume false responsibility for what others think, say, or do. Responsibility gives you a sense of vision, clarity, and purpose which will assist you in learning and mastering all of life’s lessons.
If you make anyone or anything else responsible for your happiness, you will never be happy. If you make anyone or anything else responsible for what you do or do not do, you will not accomplish a great deal in life. No one is responsible for you but you! It is up to you, at all times, to do what needs to be done to advance your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual growth. JoAnne could have held her beau responsible for her condition and situation. She could have been stuck in anger, resentment, fear, and guilt. She chose not to. She continued with her plans to work, have a baby, and build a life for herself and her child. She maintained close contact with a circle of supportive friends. She continued her spiritual disciplines. On her good days she was fine. On the bad days, the sad days, she did whatever made her feel good. JoAnne understood that the situation would be whatever she made it. It was her responsibility and she accepted it like a trouper.
SERVICE
We have been taught a great deal about servitude and very little about service. Service is giving of yourself and what you have without expectation of reward or recognition. Servitude is doing what you “have to” or “should do” to such a degree that you feel bad about yourself and what you have done or given. Service is the choice to do or give. Servitude is having your energy taken by unappreciative or unworthy causes or people. We cannot serve until we are in alignment. Grandma called it “being in the right place at the right time.” I would respectfully add that service is also “doing the right thing, in the right way, for the right reason.”
It is hard to do for someone else when you have your own challenges staring you in the face. That’s what people think, but in fact, the best time to do for others is when you cannot do for yourself. Giving your time, energy, knowledge, or information to others is the best way to take your mind off yourself. Service, giving of yourself, is the best way to build an account in the universal bank. What you give comes back to you tenfold. As you give, you open your mind and heart to the joy of unconditional love. You find worth in what may appear to be an unworthy situation. You find strength at a time you thought it was waning. JoAnne continued all of her volunteer work and maintained a standard of excellence in her career. There is no doubt that the universe will repay her tenfold when she needs it.
ALIGNMENT
Alignment is the lesson which teaches us “our place,” the place we are guided to by spirit, to do the things which make us feel good, are good for us, and benefit those around us. Alignment is the process of using your God-given talents, gifts, and abilities in a manner and under circumstances which nourish and fortify you. Alignment reaps the reward of independence, another lesson life requires that we master. Independence is the ability to stand on your own, fearlessly; the ability to think, speak, and act responsibly; and the willingness to do whatever it takes to get where you need or want to be, because you have clarity of vision and purpose. Independence is peaceful, cooperative, and loving because it is based on a critical lesson we must all master, forgiveness.
FORGIVENESS
Because we judge, we get stuck in what should have been done or should happen. We hold on to old hurts, past pains, because we believe we know the way things should be. The truth is, we don’t know and we don’t always understand. We want as much pleasure as possible and as little pain. When events, situations, and people create pain in our lives, we get angry or frightened. Holding on to the memories of events is what keeps us stuck in the pain. When we want to move beyond the pain, when we want to feel better, when we are ready to move beyond where we are, emotionally and spiritually, we must forgive. We forgive for our own evolution, not for the benefit of the other person. When we forgive, we are telling the universe we want to understand, are ready to know, can handle the responsibility of what we have done and the lesson it offers. Forgiveness is the spiritual laxative which cleans the crevices of the brain and the lining of the heart.
Without a doubt, JoAnne must learn to forgive. She must forgive her beau and forgive herself for being angry with him. She cannot get stuck in the whys and wherefores, she must simply forgive the deception, irresponsibility, lack of consideration, and whatever else she has labeled his behavior. She must ask for enlightenment, in order to be able to embrace the meaning of it all. She must ask for the gift of revelation, to understand why her, why him, why now. The only way she can open her heart and mind to receive, process, and understand the information is to forgive.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
This phrase has become a sort of catchall for the spirituality movement. However, if you can decipher what it means and master the lesson it offers, it will definitely be the catchall of any negative energy in your life. Mastering unconditional love requires that we suspend all criticism and judgment of ourselves and others, overcome all human ego-based fears, and surrender the desire to fix and control. Most important of all, unconditional love requires Black women to love and accept ourselves and one another exactly as we are.
You cannot give what you do not have. Until you can accept yourself for all that you are—a human being, bound to make poor choices and bad decisions—and love yourself without guilt or shame, you will continue to meet the challenge of mastering unconditional love, which is the first step in and out of the valley. Once you master unconditional love, you will find you have the patience to be still, the faith to trust, and the obedience and discipline required to be responsible for your life as you steadfastly maintain your purpose of providing loving service to the world and those around you.
The ego’s view of life is that others are always gaining on us, prepared to take what we have or trying to keep us from getting what we want. Ego is the acronym for “Easing God Out.” As we strike out or strike back at those we fear are out to get us, we “ease” the Godlike virtues out of our minds, hearts, and lives. To conquer the ego-enforced fears, we must practice the virtues of the spiritual realm. We must honor universal law. As a result, we develop the wisdom and the ability to recognize the power the virtues give us. We also develop the courage to live in and through our spiritual power.
You can fight your way into or out of any situation or you can love yourself into and out of it. To love someone even though your encounter with them has caused you pain does nothing for them and everything for you. Remember, what you give comes back! If you give scorn, anger, resentment, that is a debit in your universal account. To love, knowing divine order will prevail, is the greatest gift you can give to yourself.
JoAnne must love herself, no matter what. She made a mistake, a poor choice, a bad decision in choosing this man. So what! She is alive with the opportunity to do it again. She must love her baby. The baby chose JoAnne and this particular man to be its father because they provided the time and opportunity for this spirit to come into this life. JoAnne must love the baby’s father. He was a tool spirit used to further her growth and evolution. She cannot change what has happened; she can, however, create the conditions in which she and the baby will now live. When we love without expectation of anything in return, we remove the limitations and restrictions from our willingness to be loved in return.
We may not always understand what is going on at the time it is happening. That’s okay! Only when we are ready to understand and know will we truly understand. What we must do in our day-to-day living is learn to accept things and people as they are rather than trying to make them the way we wish them to be. All the people in our lives reflect a part of who we really are; they are a part of our nature which is manifested. When we do not observe, accept, and know the truth about the people in our lives, we are unable to master the part of ourselves they represent. If we cannot accept a person for who he is, by what he shows you, it is then difficult to make peace with that part of our nature.
Often we see in others what we have been told is bad about ourselves. When we do not understand our nature, we will ignore what we see or call it something else. As a result, we fail to recognize the unhealthy, unproductive, and often destructive behaviors of others in our lives in fear of acknowledging the same issue in our nature. Our eyes are tainted by past pains and future fears. Our point of reference is incorrect, because judgments of ourselves and those made of us by others only take us down a symbolic path, a path of what we think is good or bad. We stumble over or get knocked down by people and situations because we did not recognize their true meaning in our past experiences: we missed the lesson.
When there is something about ourselves which we do not like, we must learn to accept that it exists before we can make a decision to change it. Instead, it is human nature to cover our eyes and refuse to accept or admit to our human frailties and weaknesses. When we see the same trait in someone else, we do not, cannot, accept it, even from a distance. Instead, we make excuses for the other person, just as we make excuses for ourselves. This does not work. Our issues manifest in others as betrayal, dishonesty, or manipulation. In fact, what others “do to us” are the manifestations of thoughts, emotions, and experiences encrusted in our hearts and minds. They are drawn out of us by the same nature in other people.
The Valley of Understanding teaches us about our own nature. The experiences which bring us into this valley show us how willing we are to hear, see, and act on what we know. They crystallize the character traits and spiritual virtues we are missing and demonstrate our willingness to learn what we need to know. The Valley of Understanding brings all of life’s lessons into view, because at any given time we choose what we do based on our willingness to really see and know ourselves. For this reason, this valley is a potential Special Ed valley. The more excuses you make for yourself, the greater the number of judgments you must release, the stronger your beliefs, the harder your head and the tougher your hide—the greater the magnitude of your lesson and the longer your stay in the valley. All these issues come into play when the issue is looking at yourself. Remember, it is your attitude that will determine the outcome.
When she met him, she was doing okay. She was working, had a decent place to live, three beautiful children, and a car of sorts. She wanted so badly to be in a relationship, but she was scared, a little shy. Her last relationship had ended very badly. She was still wounded and she knew it. But what’s a girl supposed to do when a sweet, gentle, rather nice-looking guy shows up, promising to give you the world? She is supposed to listen, discern, integrate the information, and make a choice based on what her inner self says is right. Faye did very well on step one; she listened. She failed miserably at steps two, three, and four because she was horny and he talked a good talk.
James had been around the block quite a few times. He had an ex-wife, an ex-girlfriend, someone he was trying to move away from, and several children in the mix. He was not looking for a relationship when he met Faye, but he was always on the lookout for good companionship. Faye was sweet, very supportive, in the midst of a crisis, and very attracted to him. They started talking. They had very similar concerns and interests in life. Talking led to hand holding—James loved an affectionate woman. Kissing began at the end of their third face-to-face meeting. Within two weeks of the first kiss, he had put his toothbrush in the rack.
Faye was in the midst of transition, ending a relationship, changing jobs, and relocating to another city. James was also in the midst of transition, leaving one woman, trying to find a job, and trying to find a place to live. Faye worked at night. James looked for work during the day. At first glance it appeared as if they met each other’s needs perfectly. He needed a place to receive his telephone calls; she needed someone to watch her children until she relocated. It was perfect. Faye did not mind that James’s older son would have to live with them; he too could help with the children. Faye did not mind that James had no income; providing child care more than covered his room and board. Faye did mind that James’s ex-wife called her house and that his ex-girlfriend lived within walking distance, but James knew just what to say to make her feel better.
They talked. They made plans. They found a house in the city near Faye’s new job. They moved together. Faye went to work. James stayed home and watched the children. Faye paid the bills. James worked on their business plan. Faye tried to talk to James about his inability to control his ex-wife. James told Faye to mind her business. Faye began to complain about James’s inattentiveness, his verbal insults, and his son’s unemployment. James told Faye she was a pain in the butt. Faye told James she was pregnant. He told her that was great. Faye told James her medical insurance would not cover the pregnancy because she had not been on the job for six months. James told Faye he would deliver the baby at home. They began to read books about it. Ask friends about it. Study and plan for the birth of Faye’s fourth child, James’s sixth. Before you shift into indignation about how stupid she was, how lowdown he was, let us get the rest of the facts.
In her sixth month of pregnancy, Faye very gently approached James on the subject of his and his son’s employment. She was tired, she was having difficulty concentrating at work, and because she was the only one working, she was somewhat concerned. Faye believed James was doing his best to find work and that he was not going to force his son to take any old kind of job just to make her happy. James reminded her that he was there, taking care of her children, doing his very best, and that things would work out. You know how it is when you are pregnant and things are not going too well. You need more than verbal assurances. You need some proof positive. James could not give Faye any and she hit the ceiling.
All of the frustration she had been feeling as a result of carrying the relationship came spilling forth from her lips. James had a few choice words for her also. She was a nag, a whiner, a selfish, irresponsible airhead—and besides that, he didn’t love her anyway. The only reason he was still around was the baby. He was in love with his ex-girlfriend. She understood him. She supported him. She simply did not want to be in a relationship. It was okay. He would wait. In the meantime, if Faye wanted the pleasure of his company, she would shut her mouth and get out of his face.
She did. She shut her mouth. She did not speak to James for two weeks. She spoke to her friends, most of whom told her to put him out. She didn’t. She spoke to her mother, who asked her why she always got herself into this type of situation. She talked to her sister, who did not want to hear her story, again. Eventually, she talked to James, who told her he was sorry. He hadn’t meant the things he said. He wanted their relationship to work. He wanted them to build a life together. He also told her he would make sure his son got a job and he himself would do something, anything, to help her with the financial responsibilities. Faye was eight months pregnant, tired and scared to death of being alone. She had no choice. She believed him!
James actively began to look for work. This meant he would leave the house. During his job search, he met several women, most of whom would call him in the evenings. He was able to convince Faye that these were strictly business calls. When James began to disappear on the weekends, Faye put her foot down. It was too late. She was in labor. The baby was here. The relationship was in a shambles.
When the baby was six weeks old, Faye caught James in a lie. She had given him some money to do one thing, and he had done something else and lied about it. Faye found out and invited James to leave. He asked her, where should he go? She didn’t care. He asked, why was she doing this? She told him to take a guess. He begged and pleaded. She listened and cried. James was not allowed to come home for three weeks. During that time, he saw the light. He mended his evil ways. He got his act together and he was ready. Faye now had four children, problems on her job, very little support from her family and friends, and a fear of being made to look like a fool. She had no choice: she believed him! Again!
They tried, they really did, but the damage was done. Faye didn’t trust him. She felt used, betrayed, and abandoned. James no longer found Faye attractive or sweet. And after she was fired from her job, not long after his return, she was no longer useful. The arguments turned into screaming matches. The screaming matches turned into shoving contests. Faye admits she hit James first. Of course he had no choice but to hit her back. Even after that, they tried. They tried to talk, to plan, to recapture that old loving feeling. Because they were about to be evicted, they had to talk fast, plan fast, and do a lot of recapturing in a very short space of time. It did not work. James eventually took Faye’s invitation to leave. He went his way, back to his ex’s and his search for employment. Faye went her way, deep, deep into the valley of understanding.
In The Supreme Philosophy of Man, Alfred A. Montapert outlines the Law of Human Nature by stating:
Each individual has within himself the seeds of fear and faith, anger and love, anxiety and peace of mind, despair and hope. We are a strange mixture of good and evil, and as a result, we are inside ourselves, a battle ground.
What we see in, and experience at the hands of, other people is a reflection of something going on inside of ourselves. What you refuse to accept about other people is what you refuse to acknowledge about yourself. There is within each of us the capacity to do absolute good or the exact opposite. We find this very difficult to accept. We tell ourselves we are good, even when we do not believe it. We set out to do good, even when we have no idea what it means. And we expect good in return for no matter what we do, good and not so good. Universal law, the spiritual foundation of the universe, does not reward us based solely on what we do. The challenges we face, the conditions under which we live, the standard of our behavior—all are based on what we believe. Beliefs are what make us and keep us in bondage to human conditions.
WE ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN WE SEE!
It is a mistake that we accept our human self as our true self. Our human nature is the result of our past experiences, social indoctrination, and ego-centered demands. The human part of us is attached to the physical world. Its quest is to find physical satisfaction and emotional and ego gratification. This human part of our being has a nature which is only attuned to what it can see, hear, taste, smell, and touch. Its goal is to control those things to ensure safety and pleasure. When the human self sees things which threaten its pleasure or safety, its nature demands that it seek to destroy those things or deny that they exist. It is our human self which gives rise to negative emotions that color our actions and ability to discern the truth. It is our human nature which requires the lessons we learn from valley experiences.
The battleground that exists within the human being is the space of consciousness which seeks to harmonize the human and spiritual natures. The quiet, gentle spirit nature must emerge through the clamoring, fearful determination of the human nature. It is difficult for us to accept what we cannot see. When what we see appears painful or undesirable, we want to fix it, to change it to look like something else. All of this we do on a physical level. We attempt to manipulate and change what we can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. When we get it to an acceptable state, we feel safe again. Until our spiritual nature is stirred.
YOU ARE AT WAR WITH THE OTHER SIDE OF YOU!
Many Black women die in the battle between their natures. They burn out, stress out, drug out, or simply give up. The body becomes worn down from the struggle and battle of physical living. We know it is happening. We know we are dying, but we lose faith in our ability to survive, much less win the battle. It is because we have been taught to fight what we see rather than to listen to what we know. We look out rather than turning within. However, spirit is divine. It consistently provides us with opportunities to end the battle, alleviate the struggle. Spirit guides us into experiences, the pain of which lets us know we can change. We must change. These experiences are the valleys.
The truth under our human nature is an inability to stand in the reality that we have faults and weaknesses. We see very clearly in others what we cannot see in ourselves. It is simply easier that way. I can see your defects and faults. I can see very clearly what you need to do. I can see your potential and I want to help you live up to it. I can see in you what I cannot see in myself because to see it places me on the battleground with myself. How can I be good if I acknowledge bad things about myself? How can I prove to you I am right, when I know I have done wrong? Good and bad, right and wrong, are judgments, based on our past experiences and habitual thought patterns. Unfortunately, when we judge, we miss a crucial step in the process: acceptance.
Until we are willing to acknowledge our total nature, good and bad, we are powerless to change it. In our state of powerlessness, the universe will send people and situations into our lives to show us who we are and what we think, thereby providing us with the opportunity to make a choice. When those people show up, we must accept what we see. If the thing has webbed feet and feathers, and quacks, we must accept it is a duck. Do not tell yourself it is a swan because swans are better-looking than ducks. Accept the fact that there is something about you to which ducks are attracted.
When a part of you is manifested through the actions of others, you must choose whether or not you want to keep this part of you alive. If you do, embrace it. Welcome it. However, if you determine that what you see is not something you want in your life, if it is not a part of your nature that you want to cultivate, run! Run as fast as you can in another direction. Do not make excuses! Do not entertain the people or the condition in any way! If you stay, if you involve yourself by trying to fix or change what is going on, you are dancing with a demon. Take just enough time to bet you understand what you are dealing with and to be able to recognize it if you see it again. See it. Accept it. Then reject it and haul ass!
DON’T BE TOO QUICK TO JUDGE WHAT YOU SEE!
When people do not turn out to be who we want them to be, that does not make them bad people. Remember: right, wrong, good, and bad are judgments we make about one another based on our experiences. People are going to be who they are no matter what we do. If we allow ourselves to believe it is otherwise, we set ourselves up for hurt, disappointment, and rejection. In all relationships, it is our assigned task to discern who the person is, and then accept them as they are or move them out of our lives.
It is not our job in life to judge what is right or wrong for somebody else. When another person behaves in a manner which seems to be unhealthy or unproductive, we must not judge. We must learn to accept. Once we accept this is how the person chooses to behave, we have the right to decide whether or not we want to participate. When we see the behavior, we cannot call it something else or ignore it. We can question people about their reasons and methods. We can offer suggestions for a different approach. We cannot fix or change them.
We know when people are being dishonest; when they make promises they cannot or will not keep. We know when people are irresponsible, inconsistent, inconsiderate and/or manipulative. We know because we have seen their patterns and heard their stories, or because intuition is screaming in our minds, STOP! When we know the person intimately, have been involved with them at other times, in other situations, we have seen how their patterns create conflict, chaos, or drama. We want to believe it will be different this time. We insist on banking on their “potential,” which really means they have nothing to offer now. When things consistently go awry, we ask them, “Why do you always do that?” The appropriate question would be, “Why do I allow myself to be involved with you when you do that?” Ignoring what we know to be true about people and situations is a sign of our unwillingness to accept things. This failure results in the disappointment we blame on others.
We feel betrayed when people do their thing in a way which conflicts with our thing. We feel victimized. Why? We knew the pattern. We hoped they had changed or at least that they would not do it to us, again. The truth is, people are not always out to get us. They are simply being who they are and doing what they do. We should not take it personally. Particularly when we know the pattern. The truth is, we were not paying attention. When we do not pay attention, we must spend some time in the Valley of Understanding to figure out why it is so difficult to see and accept things as they are.
Acceptance does not mean we like what we see or what is going on. It means we see it and make a choice about the degree of our participation. One of the challenges to acceptance is, we do not know what to say to people about their behaviors. If the person is a loved one, family member, or someone in a position of authority, we do not want to upset or offend them. We feel uncomfortable speaking the truth when we have been taught not to trust ourselves. We do not trust our first thought. We do not trust our feelings. We do not understand that the way to build self-trust is to figure out what to say and say it.
We should never expect of others what we do not or cannot give ourselves. Yet we do it. We expect people to be honest when we are dishonest. We expect people to be loyal when we are not. We expect people not to behave in destructive ways when we ourselves are doing the very same thing. We say we do not expect it, but we do. In dealing with people and life, there are no surprises! We always get exactly what we expect. We may think we expect something else, or say we expect something else, but we always experience exactly what we expect to experience. We see it, we expect it, but we cannot accept it will happen. You can only expect from others what you yourselves are doing. If you are not expecting it, you should be running in the other direction.
You know you are in the Valley of Understanding when you expect a person to behave or respond one way and they respond in the totally opposite manner. They will always act the same way you have seen them act, the way you expected them to. Accepting the truth can be very difficult. The experiences which take us into this valley let us know we have not been listening. We have been hearing what we want to hear, or hearing what is said and thinking to ourselves, “I hear what you are saying, but I know you mean this …” We have not been paying attention to details. Details are an important part of the discernment process. So often, we let the little things people say and do, which are unpleasant or distasteful, slip by. We don’t want to start an argument. We don’t want to hurt people’s feelings or embarrass them. We tell ourselves the little things don’t matter, when in fact we know they do.
One little sperm meeting one little egg matters, does it not? One little cell with one little defective gene matters, right? The truth is, little things do matter. When we refuse to accept the truth we see in other people, we are rejecting that part of our nature. Human nature will not be denied! Our nature will rear its ugly little head at the most inopportune moments to inform us that there is something we need to know about ourselves. We have been operating with blinders on, seeing our nature and calling it something else. We have not been able to face the truth. We see it, but we cannot accept it. We stand on our own illusions rather than on the truth. Our judgments, perceptions, and fears get in the way. We allow ourselves to believe the truth is more painful than the fiction, the illusion, we have created.
Faye had never accepted her share of responsibility for her previously failed relationships, or any other aspect of her life. She had an excuse for everything. She allowed herself to believe that in each situation the failure had been the man’s fault. He had done or not done something which damaged the relationship and her faith in him. Those were the facts. The truth was, Faye ran from one relationship to another, very quickly, without a clear idea of who she was or what she wanted or needed from a relationship. She could not accept the truth. Faye believed she was attractive, which she was. Intelligent, which she was. A loving, supportive woman, capable of making a man happy. This too she was. She also believed she was ready for a relationship. This she was not. Under all of her beauty and intellect, Faye had several very deep-rooted, unresolved issues with men. Many of Faye’s issues stemmed from her relationship, or her lack of an honest relationship, with her father. Some of them stemmed from the verbal and emotional abuse she had sustained in previous relationships. Most of Faye’s issues stemmed from her true feelings and beliefs about herself.
One of the most difficult challenges we face as Black women is to merge what we know and what we feel. The merger is called understanding, and for some reason, it escapes the best of us. We know we are worthy and valuable; still we feel unworthy, unvalued. We know we are human beings capable of making mistakes and correcting ourselves; yet we feel to make a mistake makes us unworthy. We know we are capable of doing, being, and having the best; still we feel to have something is better than having nothing or that what we have is all we deserve. We simply do not understand we are the designers of our lives! We design, create, our lives and the conditions therein by our willingness to know and understand the truth about ourselves. Equipped with the truth, we can build a stable mental and emotional foundation. We must believe in ourselves, have patience with ourselves, and trust ourselves to do the best we can at any given time. We must know that no matter what, there is a spirit of the divine in our being that gives us the power to change instantly.
We make or break ourselves through our thoughts and emotions. Our challenge is to bring what we know, think, and feel into divine harmony. When we do this, we have a deeper sense of well-being. When we are willing to see and know all there is, we open ourselves to a deeper level of insight and understanding. In order to do this, we must be willing to look at ourselves, examine what we see, suspend all judgments, accept who we are, and finally, make a decision to change those parts of us which keep us locked into negative thought and behavior patterns. We must be willing to know the truth, see the truth, and accept the truth. The truth always feels right. It never requires that we place ourselves in a compromising situation or accept less than what we know is good for us. When we cannot, for whatever reason, figure out what is true from what is false, we must be willing to dig—to dig deep inside of ourselves; to examine our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs; and to tell the truth about what we find.
Faye knew she had a great deal of anger and resentment toward her father. Faye knew she was out to please her daddy, to make him happy with and proud of her. She also knew no matter how hard she tried, she always failed miserably in this regard. She had long ago noticed how she always seemed to fail in making her partners happy with her also. Faye knew she was afraid of being alone. She knew she had a history of accepting less than what she wanted in a relationship. She knew she was insecure about herself, her talents, her ability to function on a personal and, for that matter, professional level. She knew all of this; still, she blamed other people for her fate. She blamed her father, her mother, her first husband, and the fact that she had stretch marks for her problems in her career and in her personal relationships. Faye knew from past experience that when she was at her lowest ebb, her loneliness moment, that was not the time to get involved in a relationship. But she allowed herself to believe that being in a relationship would make her feel better. The truth is, Faye used relationships to take her mind off the work she was not doing on herself. That is what made most of her relationships Special Ed experiences.
Just as Faye could not see herself, did not understand herself, she refused to see her partners. She refused to see James’s unwillingness to sever or at least put boundaries on his relationship with his ex-wife. She refused to accept that a man who has no home and no job is capable of saying anything you want to hear in order to have a place to lay his head. Faye failed to examine the possible reasons why James, his twenty-three-year-old son, his brother, and his father were all unemployed. To her, their reasons, rationales, excuses, all seemed plausible in today’s world, with them being Black men and all. Faye allowed James to verbally insult and abuse her because she was afraid that if she spoke out against it, he would leave. Faye knew a great deal. She just did not understand much. She was not willing to see anything at all. In the end, she was forced to face everything she had failed to explore when she had the opportunity to do so.
YOU MUST UNDERSTAND IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND!
There are two primary ways to gain understanding. The first is to follow the guidance of your spirit. Spirit will let you know what is honorable, honest, and right for you. In any given situation, simply ask yourself: “If this were not me, how would I handle this situation? What would I see if I were standing outside of myself looking at these facts, this situation?” Since it is always so much easier for us to see for others, we can remove ourselves from any situation and become a witness to it. Once we are able to assess what is going on, we must ask ourselves: “Have I seen this before? Have I done this before? Why am I willing to do this again?” No one said the path to enlightenment would be easy. There is a great deal of work involved in truly understanding ourselves, our nature, and what we do in response to who we think we are. The easy part is, we already know we can do it; we are now working to gain an understanding of how to do it.
The second, more difficult way to gain understanding is to move ahead blindly, following your human nature, and learn what not to do through painful experiences. That is called Spiritual Special Ed. In the first instance, the understanding given by spirit is felt as a “quickening.” The mind is able to grasp the reality of truth in what you are experiencing by the quickening of the spirit. It is like a rush. It is a good feeling that lets you know you are on the right track. There is a level of comprehension which results in certainty. Quickening helps us to realize the only meaning an experience has is the one we give it. Every experience is merely a reflection of who we are, where we have been, and how we are thinking.
Truth leads to knowledge. Knowledge is the root of understanding. We must know at all times what we are doing and why. “I thought I knew you!” No. You thought you recognized the image. age. The image I projected. The image you perceived. Spiritual knowledge or knowing is not open to interpretation. The quickening of the spirit gives knowing a certainty which makes what you know concrete. Knowing is not based on physical interpretation of our experiences. All of our physical capabilities are subject to question and doubt. It is only when we are willing to accept the truth of who we are, to honor what we feel, and to accept what we know without judgment or fear, that we experience the quickening of spirit which implies understanding.
PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU ARE DOING
The Valley of Understanding forces us to look at what we are doing. The human creature is a creature of habit. We are trained at a very young age to do things in a certain way. Very rarely do we deviate. As we mature, we develop a way of thinking and acting. It is rare that we actually stop to participate in the experience of what we do. This is most unfortunate. Habit reinforces our tendency not to pay attention to what we do—a tendency which hinders the mastery of our human nature. It is the automatic response mode which enables us to do the same thing over and over and over ad nauseam. It is the same response which allows us to see what people do and to call it something else. When we find ourselves in uncomfortable or unhappy situations, we say: “I don’t want to see or know this, so let me call it something else!” We cannot accept it. We do not want to see it. If we cannot see, we do not pay attention.
John Roger, founder of the Insight Seminars, says: “Participate in your experience and experience your participation.” This means that at every moment we must pay attention to what we are thinking and feeling. Furthermore, we must allow ourselves to think and feel at every given moment. Habitual behavior shortcircuits thinking and feeling. We do our thing until we get done!
Once we learn to listen to our thoughts and experience what we feel, we can make a choice about what to do. It is called acceptance. This leads to participation. You are following the intuitive sensations of your inner being. You have an opportunity to explore and possibly to expand to new horizons of the “self.”
When we experience what is going on within and around us, we can make a conscious decision. Decisions are wonderful. They keep the adrenaline flowing and cobwebs off the brain. With a little luck, we just might become interested in what we are thinking, feeling, and doing. We might try something new. It just might work. Think how wonderful that would be! We can trust ourselves enough to make a decision and it works out. The prospect of new thoughts, honest emotions, and conscious decision making is quite stimulating. This stimulation will probably alter the entire nature of your being.
MEDITATION WITH THE MOTHER
—A COURSE IN MIRACLES
Fear is attracted to what does not see love.
What fear feeds upon, love overlooks.
What fear demands, love cannot see.
Fear is no thing! You fear no one! Your fears, my daughters, are but the ramblings of your minds which spew forth evidence of things which you have already convinced yourself may or may not happen to your liking or to your dismay. Fear is what happens to the daughters who are disconnected from their source. Even those who are connected must confront and sometimes battle the onslaught of fear which comes into their minds, filters into their thoughts, and hinders their actions.
Fear is what overtakes the daughters who are still in doubt, in question, about the ability of the Mother and the power of the Father. Fear is what the sons use against the daughters to keep them in “their” place. Fear is what the daughters use against one another when they convince themselves they are losing “their” place.
Fear has nothing to do with the etchings in the Pyramids or the evidence of life long before the etchings were made. Fear has nothing to do with ships bringing people to a land which they no longer desire to leave. Fear has nothing to do with chains, whips, trees, hounds, what someone has done, can do, will do to you in this day and time. Fear has nothing to do with man against man, man against woman, or woman’s inability to stand against man. Fear is merely the evidence of the effect which plagues you when you remain disconnected from, disrespectful to, and disbelieving of the essence of your being. Fear is what happens to the daughters when they do not know where the Mother is.