The Valley of Courage
THERE ARE SOME THINGS ONE CAN SAY VERY ELOQUENTLY. OTHERS ONE CANNOT. THIS IS A SUBJECT THAT CRIES out for eloquence but demands plain speaking. Simply put, you’ve got to have courage! If you do not have it, you must find it. Courage, the ability to stand on your own, for yourself, is the only way to free yourself from the obstacles that are sure to challenge you in this life. Courage, like most of the things which matter in life, is an intangible, somewhat indescribable element. You cannot buy it. It cannot be given to you. It must well up from the pit of your soul, fill your brain, surround your heart, spill forth from your mouth, and guide everything you do. Courage is a tool and a weapon. With just a little, you can build your life and use it to fend for yourself in the world. It is a breastplate and a helmet. Courage is the thing a peaceful, worthwhile life is made of.
Do you remember the lion in the Wizard of Oz? He is a classic example of someone taking a trip through the Valley of Courage. He hid behind others because he was afraid. He held himself back, refused to try to do anything because of fear. He allowed the Tin Man to criticize him, demean him, because he believed he lacked courage. In the end, he was forced to face the things he thought he could not do. Hopefully you noticed he was able to do for Dorothy what he was not able to do for himself. So many Black women are like the lion. We hide behind excuses, shy away from situations because we tell ourselves we do not have courage. Is courage the issue or is it self-value?
It is quite possible that we are not as afraid of doing as we are of being criticized about what we do. Like the lion, we really do have the courage. We are endowed with the strength and stamina to confront anything. We know it and we do it under most circumstances. Most Black women can roar when we need to. We will take on an army of witches, goblins, and other folks who are just totally out of line. We find the strength and courage to do for others what we dare not do for ourselves. We come to the defense of friends and family members. We speak out against injustice in the world. But when we are forced to confront a situation which advances our own well-being, we freeze. Some of us freeze because we really believe we do not have courage. Others freeze because we do not believe we are worth the fight.
From a perspective of spiritual truth, criticism is one of the many ways the universe reveals to us those things we need to see but hate to admit about ourselves. It is also the way people project their fears, anger, and judgments onto us. Unless we know what to do and how to distinguish constructive criticism from someone’s personal judgment, we will continue to be wounded by criticism. We will sustain mental, emotional, and spiritual wounds which could eventually prove to be fatal. We will die from fear of criticism by refusing to do anything that could possibly be criticized.
Those who believe they lack courage will be forced to confront the very thing they fear. That is the purpose of the Valley of Courage. They will have to face their fear of criticism, of being wrong, of being alone, of not knowing, and most of all, of not being in control. This is a very deep, very dark valley. Many of us shiver at the thought of confronting something we fear. Yet we are constantly asking and praying for a better life. We ask God, the ancestors, angels, and divine messengers to eliminate this problem or resolve that situation.
The only way to overcome a thing is to go through that thing. In order to resolve many of the situations we face, we may be required to confront and move through them. More often than not, we are simply not willing to face what we fear. It has nothing to do with courage or the lack of it. We just do not want to be bothered. Yet in order to move to a state of strength, freedom, and peace, we must learn to live fearlessly. When our prayers are heard and answered, indicating our willingness to be free of a situation, we must take a trip to the Valley of Courage to challenge the very thing which holds us back—the very thing we fear.
Shirley had worked overtime every night. She was tired. She was also both excited and apprehensive about her in-laws arriving that weekend. She wished her husband had asked her first, but since he was convinced she did not like his mother, she decided to let it go. They were just passing through on their way to their vacation home. How bad could it be? This week, however, had been so long and hectic that Shirley secretly wished they were not coming—but they were. She would have to get the groceries, clean the house, and make certain everything was “just so” for the arrival of her critical mother-in-law and her teddy bear father-in-law. Besides that, her period was due. Her feet hurt and her belly was swollen and she had planned to spend all weekend in bed, but Friday arrived quickly, about two minutes after 6:30 Thursday morning.
On Friday evening, Shirley fed the children and got them to bed. She changed the linen, cleaned the bathrooms, washed and waxed the kitchen floor, put the laundry away, and made love to Frank. It was his payment for vacuuming the living room before he went to bed. At 2:00 A.M., everything was done. Everyone was asleep. Shirley took two Midols and went to bed, to wait for the bat from hell to come and bite her neck.
Her in-laws arrived bright and early. Saturday was basically pleasant. The guys went off to do guy things. The children stayed in their room playing with the loot their grandparents had brought. Frank’s mother spent most of the day educating Shirley about the benefits of wool shag over deep-pile carpet, the type Frank and Shirley had. She also made sure to tell Shirley not to let Frank “touch” her until he had bathed. She reminded Shirley that the metal shavings he undoubtedly brought home from work could penetrate her skin, causing all sorts of “female problems,” like cramps and swelling. Furthermore, she hoped Shirley was rationing Frank’s sexual favors since that was the only way to keep a man in line (she hoped Shirley understood what she meant). “Too much sex affects a man’s brain,” she informed Shirley. “He can’t write checks if you allow him to have too much sex.” Even though Frank’s mother and Shirley had very different ideas about sex, Saturday was bearable. Sunday, the Lord’s day, was a trip to hell and back.
It started with the bacon. It kept burning. A pound and a half was tossed before Shirley could get a half pound cooked. Frank’s father said he didn’t mind burnt bacon if the eggs were loose. Frank teased Shirley about needing a degree in home economics, not medical administration. Frank’s mother was sure it had something to do with the no-stick pan Shirley insisted on using. You cannot cook bacon in a no-stick pan. Why did these new mothers insist on filling their cupboards with the easiest thing to wash out instead of the best thing to cook in? Didn’t your mother teach you how to cook in a cast-iron skillet? Oh, that’s right, your father raised you. No wonder. Shirley’s eyes were squinted. Her head was cocked to one side. She was just about to put her hand on her hip and ask, “No wonder what?,” when Frank volunteered to finish the bacon, inviting his mother to go relax on the porch. Frank told Shirley to get the grits.
The grits! Oh, shit!
The grits were stuck to the bottom of the pot. Shirley had forgotten to turn the fire down. She and Frank peered into the pot in horror. Frank said, “I keep telling you to leave them quick grits alone! Real grits don’t stick.” Shirley was wounded but still angry enough to fight.
“No, they don’t stick, Frank. They lump. I should have gotten some just to choke your momma on a grit lump!”
Frank wanted to, but he couldn’t let that one go. “Maybe if you had a momma you would know how to treat and respect one!”
That was a tow, nearly fatal blow to Shirley’s PMS-wrought psyche. They were all against her and she was sick of it. In her most dangerously hushed voice, she told her husband of seven years, “Fuck you, Frank!,” as she turned and left the kitchen.
Walking casually to avoid arousing attention, Shirley went to her bedroom and quietly slammed the door. Fighting back the tears, she cursed and pouted. By the time her five-year-old son knocked on the door, her head was pounding. She didn’t answer until he had called her several times.
“Grandma wants to know what I should put on to go to Sunday school.”
Lord have mercy! Sunday school meant she would have to comb Randi’s hair. “Tell her you’re not going . . . today.”
“Mommy, what’s Sunday school?”
“Shut up and go tell her what I said!”
Shirley tried to will Frank into the room. He had to defend her. To save her from his bloodthirsty bat of a mother. Unfortunately, Frank was in the kitchen trying to mash the lumps out of the grits.
Knocking, calling, and opening the bedroom door in one fell swoop, Frank’s mother, in her spicy tone of voice, wanted to know why her grandchildren were not going to Sunday school. Shirley said she had thought it would be better if they stayed home, with their grandparents. That made absolutely no sense! They would be home by the time the breakfast dishes were washed. It was bad enough their parents did not go to church, but the children needed to know and fear God. That was the precise reason so many children beat and killed their parents. They did not know God.
This showdown had been ten years in the making. This was just the opportunity Shirley needed to get this woman told. “My children will not fear God! They will know and honor God and they do not have to go to church to do that. You live in the church and your heart is wicked and cruel! So what the hell is the point!”
Frank’s mother had a few bones to pick with Shirley too. Ever since that day ten years ago when she found Shirley, half naked, pawing Frank in her den, she had known this “heifer” was a lowlife. But to challenge her faith in God—this was an abomination. “Let me tell you something! My Lord and Savior has prepared a place for me in the Kingdom. I have done my work. I honored my parents. Obeyed my husband. Raised my children. Earned my place. You were raised in the gutter. Married ’cause you were knocked up. Sent your children to day care so you could go to school, make money, and buy trinkets, the trappings of hell! So where are you destined for?”
Frank’s father was at the door advising his wife that she had said enough. While he guided her out of the room, she informed him of what the “heifer” had said.
Shirley was stunned. She was wounded. She was ashamed of herself and of what had been said to her. She had no choice but to cry. The tears welled up from the hole in her heart and spilled out with a roar. She was screaming and thrashing around the room when Frank grabbed her.
“Shhh. Shhh. Come on. You know how she is. Why do you always get her started? You know how she is.”
It felt good for Frank to hold her, but he was making her wrong again.
“Why! Why is it my fault? She is always criticizing me. I try to do everything perfectly so she won’t have anything to say. Why can’t she k ’ve me alone? I am doing the best I can, Frank. You know I am.”
“I know, baby, but you know how she is!”
“How am I, Frank!”
The bat was hovering at the door.
“I came up here to apologize, but before I do, please tell me, how am I? Good enough to raise you! Good enough to put you through school! Good enough to take care of your father! How good am I, Frank? Why don’t you tell me!”
Frank, to his credit, did not respond. He asked his mother to excuse them for a few minutes. Disengaging his arms from Shirley’s trembling body, Frank moved to close the door.
“If you touch that door, I will walk out of this house and never come back!”
Frank was in big trouble. He had to choose between his mother and his wife. Shirley was whimpering. His mother was fuming. Frank’s father saved the day—sort of, anyway.
“Shirley, you are much too sensitive. My wife talks too much, but she doesn’t mean any harm. Frank, go wash your wife’s face while I tape my wife’s mouth.” He shut the door and urged his wife to “be still.”
If you want to get yourself into real hot water, criticize another Black woman who is hoping, wishing, trying, or struggling. Chances are, the minute you open your mouth, her heart will start racing, her mouth will drop open, her eyes will bulge, and you will be verbally attacked. On the other hand, if you are lucky, she will have so internalized her fear of criticism that your most well-meant comments will hurt her feelings. She will render herself helpless and cry. This will in turn render you defenseless with guilt.
Our indoctrination and socialization have fostered in us the belief that criticism amplifies and broadcasts those things which are “wrong” about being Black, being a woman, being who we are. It does not help matters any that our parents used criticism to shame us when we were disobedient. That siblings used it to ridicule us just for fun. Or that our playmates and classmates used criticism of our God-given characteristics, things over which we had absolutely no control, to show us affection, shun us, or keep us in our place. Adding to the impact of criticism is the fact that most people do not offer it in a constructive manner. They lash out in anger, with incomplete information, offending our sensibilities and sensitivities at the most inopportune moments.
When we believe certain people are out to get us, we open the way for them to do it. These people get on our nerves. They upset us. They get us to do and say things we would not do under normal circumstances. We all have somebody in our lives who has the uncanny ability to push our buttons. We think it is the other person. It’s their attitude. It’s their tone of voice. It’s the fact that they are alive on the planet at the same time we are. Surprise, surprise! The problem doesn’t lie in the other person, it lies in us! No one can push our buttons unless the buttons are connected. They are connected to something in our mind and our heart. The other person has no idea what it is, but we do. The only way to keep people from pushing our buttons is to disconnect our buttons. Detach whatever fear, guilt, shame, or anger we have attached to the issue and people will be unable to push us.
Shirley was afraid of criticism. She was even more afraid that someone would find out how her mother had died. Her mother was a delicate woman. Very fragile, but sweet. She was a manic-depressive who died from a barbiturate overdose. Shirley’s father was a tall police officer, six foot two, who came home to eat, sleep, pay bills, and scream at Shirley’s mother. When Shirley was ten years old, her parents had an awful fight. She remembered it was the first time her mother ever spoke back to her father. He threatened to “blow your brains out” when he came home if she had not found his . . . Shirley had forgotten what it was. After he left, Shirley’s mother was trembling, so she kept taking her pills. For the first few hours, her hands were shaking so bad she couldn’t hold the bottle, so Shirley gave her the pills. Shirley remembered her mother lying across the bed to take a nap. Shirley was to look for the thing her father had lost. By the time he came home, Shirley was sleep on the living room floor, her mother was dead, and her father was insane.
SECRET THOUGHTS CREATE REAL EXPERIENCES!
Although she never said a word, Shirley really believed she had caused her mother’s death. Anytime anyone mentioned the fact that she did not have a mother, fear gripped her. She was convinced they knew what she had done. As she grew older, she figured out it was not totally her fault. Her mother had taken the pills to help her stop trembling. Still, Shirley believed that had she, her brother, and sister not lost their father’s whatever-it-was, the whole thing would not have happened. Furthermore, she came to understand there was an awful stigma attached to her mother’s illness. Only the family and close friends knew and they decided it was best to keep the whole thing quiet. After all, it was hereditary. People would think there was something wrong with the children.
Shirley feared that someone would find out she had helped her mother take too many pills. She had done the wrong thing and she was afraid of doing it again. Criticism created a paralyzing panic in her heart. She felt as if she were being attacked, so her response would be to attack defensively. If she survived the attack with only a deflated ego or a wounded spirit, she considered them cuts and bruises from which she would survive. She was always grateful that the secret had not been “found out.”
Shirley, like many of us, did not realize her secrets kept her in fear. You are as sick as your secrets. Until you reveal, examine, and unpack the negative emotions attached to the secrets, thoughts, feelings, and experiences, you are held captive by them. Like Shirley, many of us have shame, guilt, pain, and anger attached to the things we have done or experienced. We internalize the wrath or scorn we feel will result if the secret is revealed. We go to great lengths to hide what we have done or what has been done to us. Most of us imagine a punishment far worse than the secret could possibly warrant. We punish ourselves not in response to what we have done or not done, but with the emotions we attach to the experience. Shame, guilt, and anger are toxic emotions which reinforce the belief that “something is wrong with me.” The fear of someone discovering what that something is influences our behavior and limits our ability to see past the fear.
Fear helps to create drama. It is like living in a murder mystery. There is someone lurking behind every door. You are constantly trying to figure out what the person behind the door will do to you and how much they know. Who knows? Who does not know? Criticism is a telltale sign that the person may have a clue. You must defend yourself from that person. You must be angry with them. Run away from them. You are constantly living on the edge, planning your getaway or your attack. Since creating and maintaining drama plays such a big part in so many of our lives, we keep it going with our response to rather than examination of criticism. The most unfortunate thing is, we do not realize that by holding on to the secret, we keep it fresh in our minds. What you dwell on, grows. The very thing we do not want people to know, is the very thing we show them with our behavior and response to criticism.
Your mind is a dynamic and powerful instrument. Every second of every day, the mind sends thought waves into the universe. A thought is the brain’s interpretation of the stimulus it receives through the five senses: hearing, vision, smell, taste, and touch. How you interpret and respond to the stimuli you receive is called consciousness, which determines the frequency or energy of the thoughts you transmit. The frequency of the mind is attuned to the brain’s deepest thoughts, on both the conscious (physical) and unconscious (subliminal) levels. Many thoughts remain steadfast in your mind, regardless of the changes in the world or in your life. These hardened thoughts to which your mind clings are called beliefs. They are the sum total of everything you have ever heard, seen, or experienced throughout your life.
The Law of Belief, which is nicely summed up in Matthew 8:13, states:
As thou hast believed, so be it done unto thee.
In essence, what you experience and perceive you will make manifest by your belief in its existence. If the thing you believe in does not exist, you will create it through your mind’s perception of what actually is (A Course In Miracles). This is further supported by the Law of Thought, which in The Supreme Philosophy of Man is stated thus:
You move toward that upon
which you
dwell You tend to become like that which
you think about, most vividly, repeatedly,
and most imaginatively.
According to The Revealing Word, by Charles Filmore, “A belief is an inner acceptance of an idea as the truth.” Although belief is closely associated with faith, a belief is accepted on both the conscious and unconscious levels of the mind. As such, beliefs are very difficult to erase. Whereas faith, a conscious mental activity, is reasonably questionable. Beliefs then are the conclusions of a string of thoughts laced with the emotions buried in the subconscious mind. Fear is a string of thoughts, the conclusion of which need not be true. However, since there is a belief in the conclusion, the consciousness accepts the beliefs as if they are true.
Just because a belief system is based on foregone conclusions which are not true, does not mean it is a weak belief system. The Law of Belief gives equal power to what is true as well as to what is not true. A great deal of the information Black women believe about themselves is based on conclusions created in someone’s mind which have nothing to do with the truth. They are lies, very powerful lies. As Black women, our life experiences and interactions very often confirm the lies, thereby supporting even our belief in their veracity. If we choose to believe the lies, we stay in fear. If we choose to think differently, we will be forced to challenge the lies, withdraw from the belief, and act accordingly. More than likely, challenging what we have been told means we will be acting alone, which is something most of us fear.
FEAR IS THE STAGE ON WHICH WE ACT OUT DRAMA!
When I was a single mother, with three children, receiving public assistance, living in a roach-infested apartment, I did not believe I could do any better. The family members and friends with whom I surrounded myself supported my belief. Many of them believed that to be on welfare was bad but that to try to make it in the world alone, with three children, was virtually impossible. I accepted what they believed based on what I had seen of women who had attempted to get off welfare and ended up back on it. One day, when I was alone, I had a flash of inspiration. Without saying a word to anyone, I moved on that inspiration. I enrolled in college. Nobody believed I could do it. It would be too hard. It would cost too much money. It would take too much time away from my children. I did not know what to believe, but when I thought of spending the rest of my life fighting roaches, I knew I had to believe in something other than a can of Raid.
In order to change a belief, we must be willing to accept total responsibility for the behavior we have chosen in response to the belief. We cannot blame anyone. We cannot make excuses: “I did this or did not do this because I believed this.” At the point we stop making excuses, we can make a choice. We can choose to continue in what we believe and allow it to govern our actions, or we can deny the old belief, choosing to behave in another manner. The choice to change challenges and ultimately denies the belief when we take action in support of the choice.
Fear is the belief in an undesirable outcome to an action or event. The mind produces fear. It is not produced or manufactured anywhere or by anyone in the world. Our belief that the undesirable outcome is real supports the fear and sends that frequency out into the world. In turn, we act in belief of the thing the mind has created, the thing we fear. We blame fear for our actions because we believe we are responsible for what we do, but not for what we think: “I couldn’t help it. I was afraid. I can’t help the way I think.” The truth is, we are most responsible for what we think because it is in thought that we choose how to act.
Most of our fears are a sign of the conflict we experience between what we want and what we do. If we say we want something but believe we cannot have it, we are in conflict. If we then attempt to act on what we want, still believing it is impossible to achieve, we create a fear to prevent us from moving toward the goal. How many times do we say we want to lose weight because we fear getting fat? We are in fear because we know we just ate three pieces of fried chicken and two pieces of cake. The fear is not of getting fat, it is in our belief that we must have fried chicken and cake. We fear not having money, yet we resist the need to budget. When we get money, we have no budget, so we fear the money is insufficient. To live fearlessly, we must do whatever it takes to eliminate the conflict: “Fear not, for I am with you.” Before you act or refuse to act in response to what you believe, examine yourself. Ask what it is that you really want. Ask for guidance to ensure that what you do is unified with what you want. Move consciously at a comfortable pace, being obedient to the guidance you have received. Deny the thing you fear by telling it, No! You cannot exist! Surrender the thoughts and feelings which support the fear to your higher self, your spirit, your God self, with trust and faith.
Fear dictates how you behave at any given time. We are not talking here about crossing the street when you see a stray dog, or avoiding a glance out the window because you are afraid of heights. We are talking about the gripping, toxic fear which is attached to what you do or what you imagine will happen to you because of something you have done. A Course In Miracles teaches, “There are only two emotions in life, love and fear.” Either we are acting out of love, or we are acting out of fear. Hate is fear. Jealousy is fear. Shame is fear. So are guilt, anger, greed, the need to be in control, racism, sexism, homophobia, and any other negative response to people or conditions. When we act in response to any of these emotions, we are responding to the underlying cause of fear. Fear is the principle behind every emotion and every act that is not an expression of unconditional love. In our day-to-day interactions, our behavior is often motivated by what we fear may happen, what we fear is going on, or what we fear another person is thinking or doing.
WE ATTACK WHAT WE FEAR!
Attack, either verbal or physical, is the most common fear-motivated behavior. When another person does or says something which arouses a fear in our mind, we will attack them. Men are more apt to strike out physically while women resort to verbal attack. Attack in the face of criticism is a very common response for Black women: “Isn’t that dress a little short for you?” “Well, look who’s talking! At least I’ve got nice legs!” Women attack one another by pointing out what they believe is wrong with another person or by telling what they “know” about another person.
The purpose of the attack is to get the focus off yourself. In your mind, if people focus on you, they might “find you out.” Gossip is the most common form of verbal attack among Black women. Passing stories around, betraying confidences, embellishing situations to make one person look bad in order to make yourself look good—all these are motivated by fear. When you live in fear, it is always necessary to have someone who is “worse off” than you are to keep the attention away from your secret.
YOU CANNOT DEFEND AGAINST WHAT YOU FEAR!
Some Black women are very defensive. No matter what you say to them, they have an excuse, a rationale, a reason to justify or explain the way they behave. Living on the defense is the way we cover our fear of being wrong. Defensive women always have somebody else to blame for their mistakes. Somebody “made” them this way or that. Somebody told them to do such a thing. Many defensive women blame men for “the way they are” because they have been so hurt by men in the past. Whenever you have need to defend yourself, you are in fear of something. Yes, there are those situations where an explanation will shed some light. However, an explanation is not an excuse. Unless you are willing to take responsibility for what you have done without blaming anyone else, you are living in fear.
FEAR CLOGS THE BRAIN!
Another common fear-motivated behavior is vagueness. All of a sudden, you do not understand. You did not hear it correctly. There was a miscommunication. You thought they meant this or that. “Huh? What do you mean?” is the most common response when we want to be vague. You know perfectly well that you heard the question, understood the instructions, or heard the statement. However, if it touches on a sore spot or weak area in your life or mind, you get vague. Vagueness is our most common response when we do something and our actions are questioned. Rather than being wrong, we get dumb.
IT’S YOUR THING!
“Doing your own thing” is the fear-motivated response of those who need to be in control. Some call it changing the rules. Lateness is the most common example. You know you must be somewhere at 9:00 P.M. You arrive promptly at 9:10 P.M. to announce you can never get anywhere on time: “That’s just the way I am. I am always late.” Your motivation for being late is to have people waiting for you rather than waiting for them. This is how you maintain control of the situation. Actually, your lateness indicates a lack of respect for other people and their time. Could it possibly be that you are in fear of not being respected? Could it be that you are in fear of not being noticed? Control freaks must be noticed and they must be respected because they fear they are not good enough.
YOU CAN’T PLAY WHEN YOU ARE AFRAID!
When you are in fear of losing something, or not getting your way, you take your ball and go home. You refuse to play. You have nothing to say. You do not want to be bothered. You politely inform all involved they can do whatever they want to do. You are done. This is the fearful response to feeling powerless: you just won’t play. Black women do this at work. When we are criticized or feel blamed for some action we have taken with good intentions, we stop playing. We do not answer the telephone. We let the mail pile up and in some cases hide it. We eat lunch alone. We stop talking to other people, because we are in fear of not getting our way. We also do it in our relationships. When a mate does or says something we do not feel good about, rather than speak about it, we withdraw. We are allowing the fear of making our partner angry and the fear of losing to force us into silence. When we cannot speak what we feel, we are powerless. When we are powerless, we are in fear.
Everyday, commonly accepted behavior in the world, in our families, and among circles of Black women is motivated by fear and the toxic spillover of our secrets. Our fears create illusions of what we believe will happen to us if someone knows the truth about us. “Every illusion carries pain and suffering in the dark folds of the heavy garments which hide its nothingness.”1 The fear we have of what could happen, what might happen, is the illusion which creates the misery we experience, not the experience itself. Truth is the opposite of an illusion. Until we face the truth, we cannot overcome the illusions attached to our fears. To live fearlessly, we must have the ability to trust the universal order of life and the power of spirit at work in that order. In order to trust, we must learn to surrender.
Let go and let God! Let go and let God. Well, what the beck does that mean? One of the first phrases we learn in the journey toward spiritually improving ourselves and our lives is, “Let go and let God.” In her book Mama, Terry McMillan wrote a statement which crystallizes Black women’s difficulty in letting go and letting God: “It’s not that I don’t believe in God. It’s just that I don’t trust His judgment.” If we let go, God might do it the “wrong” way, at the “wrong” time, rendering the “wrong” results. That is our fear. Consequently, we must stay in control of the people and events in our lives to ensure they go the “right way”—our way.
Belief in lack of anything is a response to the fear of being out of control. When we surrender, we challenge those beliefs and fears which motivate us to be in control. Surrender is a conscious way of sending a message to the universe: “I have no needs or desires which are not met. I am not in control. The universe is and I am well provided for.” Focusing your conscious attention on the joy and peace of total well-being cuts the channel of impulsive wanting and needing which you then fear will not be satisfied. When you surrender, you develop the “knowing” that you have no need to struggle or suffer. Surrender gives your mind the opportunity to relax and release. That is what is meant by “letting go”—taking your mental and emotional energy off a thing. Surrender also gives the universe, your spirit, God the opportunity to support you to its highest capacity.
Another benefit of learning to surrender is that it provides us with the opportunity to respond to pure desire based on highest intent. For the most part, our wants are compulsive and impulsive rather than intuitive or necessary. We receive constant messages from the world about what we should have and should do, and what is necessary for a rich and rewarding life. Our physical senses are stimulated by the sights and sounds of the external world. In response to what we see and hear, we develop constructs of what we believe we need. We need a car. We need a television in every room. We need a microwave. We need a Milky Way bar! Years of sensory invasion give us the impression that unless we have certain things in our lives, something is “wrong” with us. Our lives are not meaningful or fulfilled unless we have the things we fear not having. As a result, our intent is not to satisfy our true needs, it is to satisfy the lusts of the senses based on social programming.
Surrender helps to heal fear-filled wanting and not having. As we empty our minds, we tap into the realm of “desire”; in spiritual terms, from de, the Latin word meaning “of,” and sire, meaning “Father.” Desire is born in spirit. “The things you desire in your heart are the things God wants for you.” When we learn to surrender, to override the impulsive constructs of our senses, we begin to develop desire based on the purest intent of our spirit. When we surrender, our intentions shift from fear and control to joy and peace. We begin to desire those things which will promote joy, peace, and well-being in our lives. The focus shifts from getting and controlling what you want to receiving and having what you desire. The result is a more deliberate state of wellbeing as an outgrowth of our ability to let go of the ideas, habits, people, and conditions which create stress, imbalance, disharmony, and fear. When you can surrender, let go, you let God supply you with what you need.
When you are nursing a secret, surrender helps to disarm the illusions you have attached to it. Surrender the experience. Surrender what you think about it. Surrender what you think others will think if they know. Surrender all emotions attached to whatever the secret is. Surrender the pain, shame, blame, guilt, anger, and of course, fear. As you surrender, ask your spirit, God, the Divine Mother, to reveal to you the meaning of the experience. Ask for a word, a phrase, something you can use to help you find peace in the experience. No matter how bad you think the situation is, there is a lesson. When you surrender the fear attached to the experience, the lesson is revealed. When you understand the lesson, there is peace.
I once experienced a severe financial setback which caused me to question and doubt myself, as well as every good work I had done. I was in fear of being wrong. I could not believe that with the sales of two books skyrocketing, I could not pay my rent, my telephone was disconnected, and I had no aluminum foil to cover the burner trays on the stove. Still, I made my public appearances, usually praying that lunch would be served because I had no food at home. It was a truly humbling experience which I survived by learning to surrender.
The first thing you must surrender when you are a penniless public figure is your ego. You are being forced to make a decision between living the truth and living what you want others to believe about you. As Black women, we are indoctrinated to believe that our self-worth is attached to our net worth. When we have money, we feel valuable and worthy. We use money to buy things to support that concept. Our clothes, cars, doodads, and ditties often have nothing to do with what we want or need. They merely support what we want others to think about us and who we are. As our collection of “things” increases, we get comments and congrats about how well we are doing. Even when we are not doing so well, having things makes us feel better. We feel worthy.
When a Black woman has a cash shortage, in her mind it somehow translates to, “I am not doing the right thing. I should be more than this.” We are not willing to let others know of our plight because of the aversion we have to criticism. We let our stomachs rumble rather than ask for a meal. We feign illness and stay home rather than admit we do not have carfare. We do not want others to think or know we are faulty in any way, so we suffer, silently, trying to figure out, “Where the hell am I going to get some money?” What we do not realize is that the criticism we want and try so desperately to avoid is born and lives in our own minds. The very things we think others will think about or say to us are the very things we think and say to ourselves.
Stuck in the blocked cash flow, I criticized myself for the things I did and bought when the cash was available. “I spent too much! I should not have gone there! I really didn’t need that now!” In the midst of being cashless, I was bashing myself and, as always, promising to be more careful next time. And isn’t it strange how hungry you can get when the cash is blocked? It seems that you get a taste for things you have not eaten in years simply because you cannot get them. This intensifies your fear of being wrong. The fear intensifies the bashing. You feel worthless, unable to fulfill even your smallest desire. Throughout the entire experience, you do not want anyone else to know.
There are some things which send out an alarm to the world that you are not doing so well. A disconnected telephone is one. During the first few days, I panicked. I thought of all the people who could possibly call me and what they would think if my telephone was disconnected. My solution was sheer genius. I went to the public telephone and called everyone I could think of so they would not call me. I told them I was out and that I would get back to them. It did not work. The very person I did not want to know had already called me. “I just called you and there is something wrong with your telephone.” People try to help you out. They never know how to come right out and say it, so they hedge around the topic to see what you will say. I had a story. “I am writing and the telephone disturbs me.” That worked for a while, but after a few weeks, you know everyone else will know.
I cringed under the pressure of public scrutiny. Then it hit me. Forget what they think! What do you think!
I realized I had forgotten who I was. I had become so caught up in what the world thought I should be, I had lost touch with my “self.” With or without a telephone, I am a child of God. I am beautiful! I am intelligent! I am worthy! I am valuable! Yeah, but I am also broke! No! I am not broke! I am temporarily out of cash! I still have all of the talents, gifts, and abilities I was born with. I still have meaning in life. I had to surrender my ego. I had to surrender the fear of being criticized. I had to surrender the need to be valued by others and find some value in myself. It was not easy. I had to detach from all the meanings I had attached to everything in my life. I had to surrender my life in order to get the lesson. In my case, there were several.
My first lesson was peace. What did I need to do to make peace with the situation? Surrender. I had to surrender this preoccupation with others, and what others thought about me, in order to find peace. Next lesson: trust. Did I really trust God to provide for me, protect me, take care of me? If I did, I would have to surrender my fear and worry. I had to trust that in divine time, my rent would be paid. That each day I would have a meal. I had to trust that the stove would survive a few days without aluminum foil on the burner trays. Next lesson: faith. I knew that my books were selling. I knew that both of my publishers would pay me royalties. I knew that I had done my work and that it would pay off. I also knew I could not have faith unless I had patience. I wanted cash now. I wanted it when I needed it. I knew, however, that life does not work that way. Everything comes on time and in time.
Surrender. In order for me to accept my lessons in the Valley of Courage, I had to surrender every thought, every emotion, attached to my fear of not having money. I had to surrender what I thought financial security meant. I had to surrender what I thought it looked like. I had to surrender what it felt like. When a thought or feeling came up for me, I said as loud as I could, “I surrender you!” Once I did that consistently for twenty-four hours, everything opened up. I got an American Express card in the mail. With that card I was able to rent a car and drive to any restaurant I chose. I used the card to secure an answering service to take all my calls. I bought some aluminum foil for the stove. I had found a state of peace. In peace, I stood back and looked at my life and realized the final, most important lesson of all: Never, never, be fooled by the way things appear on the surface.
Surrender requires trust. Surrender requires patience. Surrender requires obedience. The reward is learning to move fearlessly through any situation knowing that you will be provided for and protected. Each day, for sixty days, obediently practice surrender. You must obediently focus your mind on not wanting or asking for anything and not being in fear of losing anything. Focus your mind on joy. See joy in everything and everyone. Focus your mind on peace, remembering that what you focus your mind on will grow. With an obedient mind, focused on surrender, you weaken your attachment to things and people while developing patient, fearless reliance on the divine order of the universe.
One of the most profound statements of spiritual insight I have heard is, “Don’t be afraid to look at your faults.” If you know what it is you do, the good and the not so good, no one can ever use it against you. When I was in law school, I was told that the most effective way to diffuse the opponent’s case against your client was to tell every bad thing the client had ever done. Yes, my client has been arrested fifty times. Yes, my client has been convicted of burglary, car theft, and assault. Yes, my client has spent many years in jail. That, however, has absolutely nothing to do with the charges presented against my client now!
When you are aware of and reveal the secret or hidden information, it takes the wind out of those who want to use it against you. This is how you disconnect your buttons. Put your stuff up front. Tell on yourself. It takes courage to admit that you are not an angel, that you do not have wings. Along with courage, it takes awareness. You must be aware of what it is that you do in order to be able to recognize it when it is done to you. Remember: Know, accept, love thyself. Know what you do. Accept that it is a part of you even if it needs to be worked on. Love yourself anyway. Think of it this way: if you do something you’re not proud of, you are probably not the only one who’s been there.
Lying To Yourself
When you know something or someone in your life is unhealthy or unproductive, that you have grown beyond where they are and where they want to keep you, you must let go. If you tell yourself you do not see it when you do, or you do not know it when you do, or if you tell yourself it will get better, you are not being honest with yourself. This is a common response to fear of change, fear of the unknown, and fear of being alone. The remedy: surrender. Stop trying to fix things or change things. Simply let go.
Lying To Others
Most of us tell little fibs to impress others or to hide what we perceive to be a weakness. To keep from being “found out” we are compelled to lie. There are those of us who become so accustomed to lying we no longer recognize the truth in ourselves or others. But remember, what you draw to you is what you are! If you are being dishonest with someone, someone will be dishonest with you. Dishonesty in general, and lying in particular, is the fear-motivated behavior of the need to be in control and a lack of self-knowledge.
Holding On To Limitations
“I would but …,” “I want to but …,” and “I thought about it but …” are the common reasons we find our butts in the Valley of Courage. If you believe you are helpless, powerless, or worthless, the universe will eventually force you to put your butt on the line for something. Excuses are the common response to fear of failure and fear of success. Success more often than not means change and that is something many of us fear as well.
Procrastination
A sister-friend, Jewel Diamond Taylor, says: “Procrastination is a thief!” It steals the best years of our lives and the most blessed opportunities the universe sends our way. Procrastination is the fear of doing which keeps us stuck in hoping, wishing, and trying to do what we say we want to do. When you believe that you are not good enough, smart enough, or worthy enough, you will procrastinate until, like Job, you are forced to face your greatest fear. If you live in this category, your fear is having what you want. Courage is the key.
People Pleasing
We all want to be liked, loved, or needed. That is fine. What is not fine is what we are willing to do to make sure we are liked or loved or needed. When we make the needs and wants of others a priority in our lives, we devalue ourselves. When we devalue ourselves, we eventually believe we are not good enough. When we hold this belief, we must go to the head of the Special Ed class.
Not Asking For What You Want
I know your mother told you, “If you don’t ask, you won’t get it!” Did you listen to her? Of course not. Instead, you believe it is more important to keep people out of your business, or to do it all by yourself. Or perhaps you are the type who walks around wanting, being resentful of others who get and have. A spiritual teacher once told me, “When you do not ask for what you need, the need gets bigger.”
Not Saying What You Need to Say
For some strange reason, we believe we must say “please” to the person who has his foot on our neck. We do not want to hurt his feelings, and we do not want him to be angry or upset with us. We sit and stew rather than say, “Get your #$$%©* foot off my neck!” This misplaced restraint comes from the fear of being wrong, which can only be corrected by courage, knowledge, and wisdom.
The Need to Be Right
Everyone has something she believes in. Everyone has something to say. When we insist that only what we believe is valid, becoming angry with those who don’t agree with us, we are in fear. The fear is of not being in control.
Doing What Is Convenient
There is no easy way up, out, or over. You cannot fool Mother Nature, Father Time, and most of the everyday people. You will always get exactly what you give. If you think you can cut corners, get by, or get over, you are wrong. But that’s your fear, isn’t it?
Doing Too Many Things at One Time
It seems as if there is so much to do and so little time to do it. Life seems to be rushing by, leaving us behind. Many of us panic. We attempt to do it all, right now, today. Go ahead. Try it if you like. Your fear of lack and the need to be in control have undoubtedly taken you off purpose.
Not Following Your First Thought
You know that you know, don’t you? Why, then, do you listen to other people and allow them to convince you that you do not know? Know what? You know exactly what I mean. When you know, but act like you do not know, you are in fear of being wrong again.
Dennis Waitley, a Life Transformation teacher, says, “Doing the same thing, expecting different results, is insanity!” We all have moments, days, and sometimes years of temporary insanity. This is to be expected in the experience of humans who believe they are disconnected from the power source. However, it goes beyond insanity to madness when we refuse to see, hear, or know what things we are doing that are harmful simply because we do not want anyone else to know about us or because we are afraid to do something else. The above list is by no means exhaustive. We all have our little idiosyncrasies. We all have fears. We all have our lessons to learn. There is a valley for you and your specific situation.
Grass growing through concrete is a courageous act. The grass never stops to consider the difficulty of its task. It does not seek advice or make plans. It has an inborn mission to grow. The grass does not consider all the possible ramifications of its actions, that it may be stepped on, ripped from its roots, or urinated on. The grass simply knows what it must do and does it, without question, hesitation, or complaint. When we are aware of our inborn mission and undertake that mission without doubt or fear, we become like the grass; courageous enough to do what is required of us in spite of the difficulty.
Like grass, we must develop the courage to grow despite hardships. When we consider the alternative of lying dormant as a seed beneath the surface of life, growing seems to be the wise, as well as courageous, thing to do. When we need assistance in determining what to do, how to grow, the Valley of Courage is available to provide us with all the incentives we need.
Shirley was not only miserable because Frank’s mother criticized her. She was hiding what she thought was the truth about her mother’s death. She was nursing a secret. She was in fear of being discovered. If the truth really be told, Shirley’s life was built on a bed of fear and convenience. She did not love Frank. She had married him because he had stuck by her in the hard times. He helped her escape her father’s house. Because she believed she was guilty and unworthy, she settled for marrying Frank, the first and only man who’d ever said a kind word to her. She told herself she loved him. She convinced herself that life with him was bearable. As the years went on, he and his mother had become a festering wound in the pit of her heart.
When the time comes for you to make a change, to grow, to do your life in a different way, the universe will make you so uncomfortable, so unhappy, you will eventually have no choice. If you insist on staying in a place you no longer belong in, if you do not grow the courage to do what is necessary to propel yourself forward, you will suffer the consequences, whatever they may be. For Shirley, the consequence was a mother-in-law who demeaned her and undermined her self-confidence. The only way for Shirley to escape her mother-in-law’s criticism was to reveal the secret and confront the fear. Shirley had never spoken to Frank about how her mother died. He was unaware that Shirley had never loved him. She rarely allowed herself to think about these things, much less felt the courage to speak about them.
If your mind stays in misery, your body will begin to suffer. Many Black women lose their health and their minds due to a lack of courage, an inability to say and do what they fear. Shirley will need to find a way and the words to talk to Frank. This does not mean she has to stand in the middle of the living room and scream, “I think I killed my mother and I never loved you anyway?” It means she will need to get clear about what she wants, and slowly, gradually, choosing her words very carefully, express those feelings to her husband. Being mindful that when we do things in fear or fail to do them because of fear, we drag other people into our issues, Shirley has to give herself and Frank time to deal with the changes that will need to be made. Frank’s mother is really not the issue. The issue is Shirley’s fear and what she has allowed herself to do because of that fear.
One of the primary reasons we do not take the necessary steps to move out of the misery of our issues is because we fear or become overly concerned with what the other person or people involved will do. We try to figure out what they will say. We create a scenario in our minds about what they will do. We do not want to hurt anyone and there is absolutely no easy way to break somebody’s heart. The key is not to worry about what the other person might do, by staying focused on what you will do. This does not mean you become callous or uncaring. It means you listen, you offer as much support as possible, but you maintain your goal in your heart and mind by resisting the urge to give in to the needs and desires of the other person. If you really want to change your condition, you must have the courage to stand firm.
If you are unhappy, it may be because you have not been courageous enough to trust yourself to make new choices. If your life is not moving the way you want it to go, if you feel stagnated, closed in, it is quite possible a little courage will help to free you. If you are afraid of anyone or anything, what might happen or what they might do to you, courage is your ticket. You can eat your Wheaties. You can buy a Superwoman cape. You can talk to yourself in the mirror until you convince yourself that you can do what you need to do. Do whatever works. By any means, find the courage to make the decisions that will enable you to move forward. Shirley did. Two weeks after her mother-in-law’s visit, she told Frank she was leaving him. Six months after she told him, he left and went back home to his parents.
As you move through this valley, the Valley of Courage, keep in mind: surrender, trust, faith, and peace. Fearlessness is not a state of namby-pamby spacing out. It is a state of “knowing.” You must know at all times that your God self is in control. You must know, no matter what it looks like, divine order must and will prevail. If you get in the way by controlling, fearing, judging, you will cast yourself into darkness. The value in the lesson of courage is, not being fooled by how things appear. When you get that lesson, you will be able to stare down the thing you fear. When you can do that, you grow, you rise up, you evolve. No matter how bad the situation may be, you must realize that you will always be able to get out of a valley because you must be provided another opportunity to demonstrate what you have learned.
1 *Foundation for Inner Peace, A Course In Miracles
MEDITATION WITH THE MOTHER
—JEREMIAH 7:23
Obey my voice and I will be your God and ye shall be My people.
Let the Mother come to nourish you. You must have strength to leave behind the trappings of the world. Let her nurture your heart and your mind, so that they may guide your thoughts and words. There is nothing you need which the Mother does not have, nothing she has not already given you. She gave you love in your heart, peace in your mind, strength in your will, power in your words. You daughters have given it back. You have replaced the Mother’s gifts with things of darkness, things of the world—things which do not honor your sacred energy.
Let the Mother nourish you, daughters, bring you back into the fold of her pure and divine light, love, and energy. For there she awaits to restore you to your station of grace. She wants to guide you, daughters, for she knows your purpose and the plans by which it shall be accomplished. She is the Ways and Means Committee, eternally elected to govern your completion of any assigned task. She represents the President of the Holy Corporation and the Chairperson of the Board of Your Life. She is with Him in mind, heart, and spirit. She wants to share her post with you.
Let the Mother hold you up, daughters. She is a pillar of strength, a guidepost of light and an able shipmate who has been on many journeys. She has mended your sail many times. She has cleansed your brow and hoisted your sail when you thought you were too weary to continue. She knows the seas of life are not always calm. No matter. The Mother is equipped to weather the storm with you.
Let the Mother bring you back to yourselves. To the shores of peace. The post of plenty. The dock of everlasting life. All you need do is enlist her help. She will hear you and come to serve you.