The Valley of Purpose and Intent
ALL OF HER HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIENDS HAD HUSBANDS, HOMES, AND KIDS. THEY TOOK VACATIONS EVERY summer, bought new furs every winter. She lived in a tiny apartment which had everything she wanted and needed. She took care of hundreds of children every year as a pediatric nurse. As far as she could tell, husbands were things who cluttered your clothesline with BVD’s. Most of her school friends were miserable drunks or ex-drunks in therapy trying to figure out why they were so miserable. She was on purpose.
All her life she had wanted her own secretary and office. She got it. All her life she had wanted to have enough money to do what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it. She had it. All her life she had wanted a man who would love her, come at her every beck and call, and satisfy her other little needs. She had him too. There was nothing she wanted that she did not have or could not have. Still, she was absolutely miserable. So miserable, she spent every opportunity she had buying more clothes, competing to get another promotion, or sleeping with other men. She was not on purpose.
Each morning, hundreds of thousands of Black women get up, get dressed, and carry themselves off to a thing called work. It is this thing which occupies eighty to ninety percent of their waking hours, brainpower, and life force. However, if you asked the overwhelming majority of these women if they liked what they do they would say no. We work to support ourselves. We work to pay bills. We work to acquire things. We work to “never need anybody to do anything for us.” Few of us work to fulfill a purpose.
While we are working, there is another group of women, another few hundred thousand, who do not get up or go anywhere. They are supported by husbands, parents, or the state while in their minds and bodies they search for something worthwhile and meaningful to do. When it comes to purpose, none of these women are on it either. They are alive. They are not living. A journey without purpose is meaningless.
There is another group of women, a much smaller group, who awaken each morning with clarity and peace of mind. These women know who they are, what they must do, and how they must do it. They have a determination of mind which gives them focus. There is an excitement in their hearts that urges them on. They know. They are sure. They are capable, eager, and ready to meet the day and whatever it holds in store for them. These women are on purpose.
Purpose is an activity or series of activities which enable you to use your God-given talents, gifts, and abilities to fulfill a need in the world. Purpose is not only what you do, it is what you are. As you perform your tasks, purpose—not salary, need, or desperation—gives those tasks meaning. Purpose is more than a goal; it is a mission—a mission born in the depths of your spirit which makes you know you must do what you do because you simply cannot do anything else. Purpose is not about money. When you are on purpose, the money and everything else you need and desire will come to you. There is no need to struggle or suffer.
Purpose is about knowing your place. When you are on purpose, your place opens up for you. Usually, you do not have to compete for it or struggle to stay in it. You do not fear losing it nor can you be removed from it. Many Black women experience discontent and unhappiness in their personal and professional relationships because they are not in their place. They are squeezing themselves into situations which are inappropriate or which they have outgrown. There are also those times when you are on purpose, in your place, and find that you are still being challenged. So what! Everything that challenges you does not have to win. When you take the focus off the people, off the challenge, and stay focused on your purpose, a challenge makes you stronger, wiser, and more determined. When you are on purpose, you are like a rock. You shall not be moved!
Purpose is not about being liked by other people, being famous, or becoming rich. It is about knowing who you are and putting that knowledge to use in a meaningful way. A way that makes someone else, as well as yourself, feel that they are better off because of who you are and what you do. A way that has a ripple effect, touching people who you may never see, never know. Who gets helped does not matter when you are on purpose. When you are on purpose, the only thing that matters to you is that you do what you are.
Purpose is a state of mind which results in clarity of vision and intent. Purpose allows us to see obstacles and challenges; however, it allows us to see a way around them. Purpose cannot be hindered or obstructed because it knows it is divine. It is born of divine intent. Purpose is willing to do whatever is necessary, whenever it is needed, without fear or hesitation. Purpose knows it is worthy and honorable, determined and capable, strong and powerful.
Purpose is a God force backed by the universal resources which are unlimited and endless. Purpose is love and light manifesting through a being in the human realm. We have been taught to work for money. To set goals in order to find success. To do and outdo others in order to have what we want in life. On this path, some of us still find purpose. Many of us do not. When the focus is on doing for money, many choose to do what promises to bring the greatest amount of money with the least amount of doing. Purpose has a much more noble intent. Purpose begins with the intent to bring into the world a service which fills a need money cannot fill. Purpose is the intent to be, do with, give of, the self without having reward or recognition as the motivating factor. Having been taught that work is the way to money, and money the means to self-satisfaction, many of us work without purpose. We educate ourselves to those tasks or careers which we believe will ultimately take us to financial security. In doing so, we spend the greater portion of our lives working while feeling unsatisfied, unfulfilled, as an individual. If you are not on purpose, the money you acquire will not help you feel better about yourself because you will not be in alignment with your soul’s purpose, your spiritual journey, the reason God has given you life.
What is your intent? When you get up each morning, what do you intend to do for yourself? For those with whom you will come into contact? For the world? When your only intent is to pay bills and buy things, you are headed for dissatisfaction and imbalance. Intent is the path to purpose. Intentions are the motivating factors behind your activities. When one intention is met, the mind will actively seek another. However, when intentions are hinged on the physical world, the things you can see, you embark on an endless search, a search of the world rather than the soul. In the world, facts change. There are challenges, obstacles, which threaten to block or stop your progress. The facts over which you seem powerless keep you in bondage, the bondage of wanting, needing, and not being able to acquire. The more you see, the more you want and the greater the demand from your physical senses. The things you want and cannot have become the source of your pain, the root of your dissatisfaction. Your intention becomes satisfaction of the physical senses and elimination of the pain.
Intention is the sum of what you expect to accomplish at the end of a task or deed. According to universal law, expectations always equal results. We get in life not what we say we want, but what we expect. When we expect to work hard all of our lives and to have nothing to show for it, ninety-nine percent of the time that is exactly what we get. When we expect to have a hard time in the world because we are Black or female or old or young, it is guaranteed we will get exactly that, a hard way to go. However, when our intention is to do what we love, simply because we love doing it and are good at it, the universe has a way of opening opportunities and avenues through which we can move, realizing bountiful returns and rewards.
When your intention is predicated on knowing or finding your purpose, the goals of your tasks and activities take on a different focus. There is a shift from getting to giving, from doing to being, from having to sharing. When your intention is based on purpose, you no longer work, you serve, giving the best of yourself for the sheer joy of doing, not for getting. When your intention is to use your God-given talents, gifts, and abilities, you place a greater value on yourself. You begin to realize that what you do, what you have, is a gift—a gift you can use to bring yourself and others pleasure.
Intention, when it is based on spiritual principles, brings you into alignment with your good. It brings you to your purpose. I have heard people say, over and over, “I want to help other people.” My question is, Why? What is your intention? A common response is, “They need me.” So, you intend to be needed. That means that whenever somebody needs you, you will be there? They never mean it like that. They mean, they want to help children. They want to end suffering. They want to fight racism. Therein lies the problem. When the intent is to do something to stop or obstruct something else, we are tied to the outcome. When we are tied to the outcome, we are tied to doing a certain thing in order to have a certain thing. If the outcome is as we expect, we are successful. If it is not, we label ourselves failures and become dissatisfied, disillusioned, and eventually burnt out. Intention is not tied to outcome. It is a function of doing. Intention is not tied to success or failure. It is the action of doing, learning, growing, and serving. Serving and service are outgrowths of purpose.
When we are not in touch with our true self or our emotional self, we will verbalize one intent, holding another in our hearts. If we say we will do one thing when in our hearts we’re harboring another feeling, our true intent will manifest in the way we behave and speak. When people say things which “hurt our feelings,” the intent behind the words was to do just that. When we are late or forget a commitment, it is quite possible we did not want to be involved. Our true intent was not to go. However, when we have a clearly defined intention, based on spiritual principles, our purpose is honorable and the best possible outcome is realized.
Your intention is what you feel. Your purpose is what you are. “Being purposeful” is a way of thinking to which we are rarely introduced. Our true purpose is usually couched in struggle, mediocrity, and a belief in lack and limitation. As we strive through life, we are warned and cautioned about what we cannot do, should not do, better not do. Rarely are we encouraged about the things we can do, must do, because God needs them done and has chosen us to do it. That thing you have come to life to be, which you do with all of your heart and soul, which you think about in your every waking hour, which brings joy into your heart, satisfaction into your life: that is your purpose. It may be dancing or singing or painting rocks. It may be teaching, healing, talking, or listening while serving drinks in a bar. Everybody may be doing it or nobody at all may be doing it.
You may have been trained to do it or it may come through you naturally. It is that thing which you could do for the rest of your life whether you got paid to do it or not. Somewhere, someone told you it was not possible for you to do it. You may have even been forbidden to do it. Yet it keeps coming back to you. You cannot shake it. It fills your dreams and those quiet moments when you are alone. Your purpose drives you, and at some point, you will find yourself in a situation where the desire is so great that, if only for one moment, you will forget everything you have been told, believed, or feared and step out to do what you are.
Raylene was the oldest of three children born into a highly toxic, dysfunctional family. When Raylene was three, her mother died. She and her two younger brothers were raised by a series of family relatives, in a variety of settings, ranging from abusive to neglectful. As the oldest child and the only girl, Raylene was forced to accept many responsibilities she was not emotionally or spiritually equipped to handle. She was responsible for the care of her two brothers. She was responsible for the care of her drunken aunt. She was responsible for the urges of her drunken grandfather, who frequently found pleasure in fondling her breasts and vagina. Raylene felt abandoned by her mother, abused by her grandfather, burdened by her brothers, neglected by her father. She was angry and confused.
Raylene was a brilliant child, but with so much going on at home, her schoolwork was not a priority. She found peace only when she was alone in her room, plotting and planning her revenge and her getaway. Her solitude was frequently interrupted by her aunt or uncle’s physical abuse of one or both of her brothers. Many times, Raylene would not go to their defense. She would cover her head with pillows and tell herself there was nothing she could do. That did not work. After her brothers were beaten, sometimes nearly into unconsciousness, Raylene would be scolded, and often beaten, for not preventing whatever her brothers had done. By the time she was a teenager, she grew to hate her brothers along with everyone else.
A person can only handle so much hate and anger. At some point the energy will build up in the heart and mind to the breaking or bursting point. Raylene knew that to burst, to fight back, to challenge her father, aunt, or uncle, would bring down a wrath she was not prepared to handle. She had to find another way out. For Raylene, the way out was alcohol. By the time she was sixteen, Raylene was using her lunch money and all the money she could find or steal to buy liquor. She was fortunate in that there was so much liquor around her, she did not have to look for or steal money very often. Her need was fulfilled by the very situation which created the need. When Raylene had just enough to drink, she did not care who touched her, who beat her brothers, or that there was nowhere for her to go.
By the time she was seventeen, Raylene was a full-fledged alcoholic. She left home. Lived with a variety of friends and relatives who were as unconcerned about her as her primary caretakers were. She got a part-time job which she managed to keep for several years. She tried to stay in school, but they kept asking her questions. Questions about home, about the alcohol on her breath, about taking the SAT and going to college. In the first quarter of her senior year in high school, the pressure became too much. It was at about the same time that she realized that although she had left home over a year ago, no one had ever come to look for her. They had not come to school. They had not come to her friend’s home to inquire about her well-being or to demand that she come home. Of course, her brothers had always looked for her. They wanted to, needed to, tell her about the continuing horror they lived. She would give them money or buy them pizza, and convince them they would be just fine. In the second quarter of her senior year in high school, Raylene dropped out and went to work full-time.
When you are lost, there is always a savior. Something or someone will come along at the very moment you are in need to save you from your misery and from yourself. Raylene’s savior was John. He was twenty. He was working. He was the nicest person Raylene had ever met. More important, he had his own apartment in which he and Raylene could live.
She loved him. She loved him enough to want to stop drinking and join Alcoholics Anonymous. She loved him enough to have his son after she had been dry for six months. Raylene loved John so much that after they had been together three years, she began paying all the bills. It was the kind of love that silenced her when other women started calling their home. Raylene was so in love she was compelled to pay a baby-sitter so she could go out to look for John in bars and parties when he did not come home at night. She loved him so much that when she found out he had another woman and another baby, she stayed with him to try to work it out. She knew her love was not enough for John when he started to slap her around. It was at that point that she started drinking again.
Raylene was brilliant, intelligent, and especially good with people. She had become the manager of the shoe store at which she worked in four short years. She was not happy there, but it was the only way she knew of to take care of her son and still have a little bit to share with her brothers. Raylene was now so good at her job that she could work all day, drink half the night, and still get up to go to work the next morning. When she was not working or drinking, Raylene dreamed about going back to school and getting her diploma so she could go to college and become a math teacher. That was her secret dream, to be a math teacher. She loved children and she loved numbers. It made her an excellent manager in the children’s shoe store, but it did not save her relationship with John. Three days before the eighth anniversary of their being together, John packed his bags and left.
When one door closes … Before Raylene could get into a serious depression about John, she received a notice that she had been accepted for a better paying job with city government. She knew this meant she would have to stop or at least cut back on her drinking. She was relieved to know she would have more money and some security, but she also knew it meant she would have to go back to A.A. We do what we must when we are forced. Six months into her new job, Raylene was informed that if she did not get her high school diploma, she would be terminated. Her A.A. mentor told her it was about time, anyway. He would help her study for her G.E.D. and she would pass. Which she did. The amazing part was, she hardly studied. She got a perfect score on the math portion, and the lowest grade she got on any other part was four points below perfect. When the scores came in, her mentor begged her to go to college at night. But Raylene figured it did not matter. Who would care anyway? No one in her family had gone to college and she believed she was destined to end up like most of them, drunk and broke.
With John gone just long enough to show up again when Raylene thought she was over him, she had very little time or energy for another relationship. She spent most of her time working overtime; first, so that she would not drink; and second, to take care of her son’s ever-growing needs. Her brothers still came around now and then, but they were in about the same shape as she was—lost and angry. Although Raylene and John had supposedly been separated for two years, he would still pass through every other week or so for sex. He had introduced Raylene to the art of snorting cocaine. They were quite high and very naked the night he announced he was getting married. In her anger, Raylene doused him with the glass of Seven-Up at the side of the bed, locked herself in the bathroom, and snorted all of his coke. He left vowing never to set foot in her house again. He never did. He died of an overdose three weeks after he married his drug counselor.
Raylene needed someone to talk to, someone to love. A series of disappointing relationships had led her to believe that it was not going to happen. All of the men she met were into the same thing as she was—getting high and giving up. Raylene had been seeing Gary on and off for about a year. He almost fit the bill except that he would not hang around anytime Raylene got high. He did not understand that she had to get high to ease the pain and simmer down the anger. He had become more like a counselor than a lover. He would listen to Raylene, but he always warned her about her behavior, just like her mentor. Her A.A. mentor had become a real pain in the butt. He called her at work, showed up at her door unannounced, and kept sending her college catalogs in the mail. He just wouldn’t quit. So Raylene moved and left no forwarding address. She told her supervisor at work that an ex-beau was threatening her by telephone, in order to have her work extension changed. Finally Raylene was free to snort cocaine, drink liquor, and sleep around to her pleasure. All within moderation, of course.
As divine order would have it, drug screening became a requirement at Raylene’s job. She stayed clean for three whole days, submitted to the test, and still got a positive result. Raylene was told that if she did not enter a drug program, she would be terminated. She told them she did not have a drug problem, she had a cold. She was taking cold medication. When she was over the cold, she would retake the test. That was not good enough. She was suspended for thirty days. If during that time she entered a drug program and submitted proof, she would be given one year’s leave at two-thirds pay. At the end of that time, she would be reinstated. How dare they accuse her! They could take their job and shove it. So they did.
Raylene stayed with Gary for a while. When he got on her nerves, she stayed with Carlton. He was getting high so much that she left him and stayed with David. When he suggested that she sell his friends certain sexual favors, she left and went to stay with her younger brother, his wife, and their three children. Her brother and his wife both worked in the day and were going to college at night. Raylene was a blessing to them because she would cook and watch the children in return for room and board. Raylene loved children. She actually loved doing the little things around the house, like cooking and the laundry, but since no one, particularly John, had ever seemed to appreciate it, she had never bothered much before. Her brother and sister-in-law were really cool. They didn’t bother her about getting high. Actually, they didn’t know since she only did it on the weekends and never in their home. They saw to it that she had a few dollars of her own, and for the first time in her life, she felt like she was part of a real family. At night, Raylene would wish she had a home for her son. He was fourteen now, and living with his father’s mother. Raylene missed him, but she knew he was better off without her.
A year passes by quickly when you have nothing to do. Raylene’s brother was about to graduate from college and was talking about moving. The children had become very attached to her, but she knew her days were numbered. Her brother suggested that she keep the apartment after they moved. He thought she should go back to school. He could get her a part-time job at his job and she could go to school at night. Raylene took him up on the job offer but nixed the school thing. The job worked out well, for a while. The work was easy, but the people were another story. Raylene was just a clerk. People do not treat their clerks very well. Raylene found herself being blamed for anything and everything that went wrong. She was never given an opportunity to explain. Instead, she was scolded as if she were a child. Her bosses reminded her of the aunts and uncles she had grown up with. She decided she was not going to put up with it. One day she went to lunch, bought a bus ticket to South Carolina, and went to live with Gary. He was shocked and excited. He was happy and unprepared. But he loved Raylene enough to give it a go. They lived together for two years.
When Raylene got the call that her father had died, she was relieved. Then she got angry. This man who she believed was at the root of her suffering had died before she got the opportunity to spit in his face. She went back home for the funeral. It was a real zoo. All her father’s women came out of the woodwork. They were arguing and fighting about who he had been with the longest, and who had the money to pay for the funeral. Raylene’s youngest brother paid for everything and shut everyone’s mouth. Throughout the week’s festivities, everyone who laid eyes on Raylene would tell her how much she looked like her father. Her mannerisms were like her father’s, her smile was like her father’s, even her habit of holding her chin in her hand reminded everyone of her father, her dead father, whom she hated with a passion.
After the funeral, Raylene stayed in her hometown. She got a job in a children’s group home. Gary came back home too. They saw each other on and off, but Gary was on Raylene about her drinking and drugging. After her son got arrested and sent to prison for five years, Raylene really started bingeing. Gary tried to talk to her, but she would not listen. When she was high or drunk, she would call him or her younger brother and cry about how bad her life had been. She would relive her childhood. That always made her feel worse. Several of her close childhood friends had already died from overdoses, drunk driving, and bad living. Raylene was convinced that, unlike them, she was invincible. She was not an addict or a drunk. She was troubled and alcohol made her feel better. Gary told her that if she would stop drinking, they would get married. Raylene thought it might be her last chance at happiness. So she did and they did.
Things were fine for the first year or so. Raylene loved Gary even when he was bugging her about going back to school. Gary was the only person Raylene could remember who had ever told her that she was pretty or smart or that she had the ability to do anything she wanted to do. Gary was also the only man she’d met who could occasionally get high and still live like a “normal” person. But like her, Gary was defective. He had big issues with his father too. He had never finished college or done any of the things he kept telling Raylene to do. What Gary had was a big, fat paycheck from his job with the state. He was a probation officer. He had been one for almost twelve years. He had worked in several different states and was about to become a training supervisor. Still, he was as defective as Raylene. What she did not realize was that just because a person is defective, it does not mean they cannot see your defects.
Besides Gary, Raylene had her job. She loved her job. It did not make her completely happy or give her a reason to stop drinking completely, but she loved being with the children. By now, Raylene figured she was too old to go to college or to ever become a math teacher. She satisfied herself helping the children in the group home with their homework. If one of the teachers were absent, Raylene would volunteer to take her class. The children always responded to her. She could get them to do what others could not. Her ability to communicate with children was like a gift to her. A gift she had never really developed.
When Gary first started going to church, Raylene thought it was a joke. He would ask her to come, but she would refuse. What the hell could God do for her now that He had refused to do all of her life? Gary became very annoyed when she spoke in that manner. He told her he would pray for her anyway. In his absence, Raylene found the prime opportunity to snort a little coke and feel sorry for herself. Since Gary had stopped getting high, he forbade her to do it in the house. She had to wait for him to go out, which he did more often since he had joined the church. When she was high, Raylene would call her baby brother. He would always listen to her stories and commiserate with her. This Sunday, for some reason, her brother tried to switch up on her. When she called him, he told her he was tired of hearing her whine and complain. He asked her why she did not forget the past and move on. Oh, he didn’t understand. Had he forgotten how badly they were treated as children? Had he forgotten what an SOB their father was? He didn’t know how John had treated her and how she had stayed with him so long just to be able to take care of her son. Had he forgotten all the money she had given him? Things she had bought him when they were younger? No, he had not forgotten, he was just tired of hearing it. He was tired of watching his sister destroy herself over people and things that no longer mattered. He was tired of waiting for the telephone to ring with someone on the other end telling him his sister was dead. He was tired of watching her wallow in self-pity and he wished to God that she would get her head together and get on with her life.
Furious, Raylene hung up on her brother. It was too late. Gary had come back from church and found the remnants of cocaine in the bathroom. For several very long, very silent moments, Gary stared at Raylene. It made her nervous. He didn’t scream. He didn’t even seem angry. If anything, he looked hurt. No, lost is a better description. Without ever opening his mouth, he dropped down on his knees right next to the toilet and began to pray. He asked God to save his wife from the demons in her soul. He asked that she have peace of mind. He asked God to show her the way to forgiveness. He asked God to forgive her for being so angry, for so long, that she could not find her way to Him. He asked God to give his wife meaning and a purpose beyond her flesh and blood. He told God how much he loved her. Then, he asked God to give him the strength to do what he needed to do. When he stopped praying, he started crying.
Raylene was helpless. She had never seen Gary—or any man, for that matter—cry. She didn’t know what to say, to do. She tried to apologize. Gary kept crying. Through all the years, Raylene had stayed in pretty good shape. She had a few pouches here and there, but miraculously, she was still a decent-looking woman. She tried to seduce Gary. It didn’t work. He was adamant. He would no longer live with a drug addict. He could not carry her emotional weight any longer. Either she checked in for treatment today or he would leave. But Raylene was not addicted. She got high because she wanted to. With that statement, Gary got off his knees, packed an overnight bag, and walked toward the door. When he was on the other side of it, he told her he would call her and let her know when he would pick up the rest of his things.
The words of Gary’s prayer kept ringing in her ears. Forgive! What did she need to be forgiven for? She had never done anything to anyone, except maybe her son. Everything had been done to her. That is why she didn’t have peace of mind. The only demons in her life were the people who raised her. The people who supposedly loved her, who had abused her and left her. Raylene got the scotch she had hidden in the laundry basket. Gary wasn’t the first man to leave her and he wouldn’t be the last. Raylene felt pretty sure that he would come back, eventually. As soon as he cooled off a little, he would come back. She took a drink.
Suppose he didn’t. Suppose this time Gary did not come back. Raylene thought of being alone, and panicked. It had been quite a while since she had been alone. She took another drink. What the hell difference did it make? She had been alone most of her life anyway. Gary was just like everyone else. Stay awhile and then leave. It made her mad. She took another drink. As her head began to get lighter, Raylene thought of John. She thought of how much she had loved him and how he had treated her. This time she took a long swig from the bottle. Against her will, she thought about her grandfather, how he used to touch her, how it felt when he put his hand or his mouth between her legs. She stopped that thought in midstream, threw the bottle on the floor, and searched for the last package of cocaine she had hidden.
As she was searching, she came across an old picture of her mother. Bitch! She just up and died on me. She thought about the days and nights she had wished for, cried for, her mother. She couldn’t find the damn cocaine. Then she thought about her father. She hadn’t cried at his funeral, but for some reason she now felt sad to know that both her parents had died without ever telling her they loved her. Frantically ripping the clothes out of the drawers, she was about to conclude that Gary had found it when she saw the glassine bag stuck between a bra hook. Move on! Move on! Her brother’s words were coming back to her now. Her sweet little baby brother. He didn’t know what he was talking about. Raylene went to her usual get-high spot on the side of the bathtub.
As soon as she opened the bag, her ears were filled with the sound of Gary’s sobbing. Startled, she jumped. He was back. She folded the bag and stuck it in her bosom. The apartment was empty. Oh Lord! I’m losing my mind. She started back to the tub. This time she could hear him crying and praying as soon as she set foot in the bathroom. This was weird. Raylene could hear Gary crying and praying as if he were right there. Teach her to forgive. Show her the way! Now she could hear children laughing. She thought about the children at the home. How much she loved them, and the fact that she knew they loved her. So many of them came from situations worse than hers. So many of them were angry and frightened just like her. Still, Raylene knew that her life was for the children. Even though she felt she had failed with her own child, she knew she could help a child somehow, someway.
Raylene reached in her bra and retrieved the glassine bag of cocaine. Standing over the toilet, she toyed with the idea of dumping it. Now that Gary was gone, who would help her get clean and stay clean? She did not have the strength to do it alone. Could God, would God, really forgive her? She was so pissed off with Him, maybe He wanted nothing else to do with her. Well, the feeling was mutual. Still holding the bag of cocaine, Raylene felt the hot tears begin to roll down her face. These were not her usual drunken tears. These were big, hot, salty tears which came up from her feet, through her legs, up her spine, to and through her heart, up her throat, and out of her eyes. She dropped the entire bag in the toilet. Now her tears were accompanied by a loud sobbing. She fell to her knees. The scotch and her crying were not mixing too well today. She had an overwhelming urge to throw up. Before she did, she flushed the toilet. Then she put her face all the way in the toilet and cried. She was still crying an hour later when Gary came back. He pried her from the toilet, held her in his arms. When he asked her if she was ready to go into treatment, she nodded her head. She could not speak. He told her the only reason he had come back was to get his Bible and other prayer books. He had left them on the kitchen table. Gary held on to Raylene all the way to the entrance of the Valley of Purpose and Intent. She took the final, most crucial step on her own.
If what we have come to life to do were just handed to us on a silver platter, we would probably ignore it because it would be too easy. If we had nothing to work through, overcome, or figure out, we would make something up. We seem to need challenges and difficulties to keep us alert. Some of us need more than others, but we all need something to look back on and wonder “how I got over.” The universe is so wonderful. It always gives us exactly what we ask for. It may not give it to us the way we want it, but we always get it the way we need it.
Some of us need more time than others. Others need more drama, more pain. There are even those of us who need to go so low, so painfully low, that it takes a miracle to bring us back up. A few of us can catch ourselves on the way down. We recognize and realize the problem right away. Unfortunately, we do not recognize the solution, the way up or out. Life is strange like that. You would think that the universe of life would be more merciful and understanding. You would think that life would save us from ourselves and the other people in our lives who understand no more than we do. Well, even when we do not recognize it, life is good. Life keeps us alive at the very core of our being, that which we are born to be. No matter what happens in our lives, the mission, the purpose, does not change. Our path to it may be altered, but the lesson we need to find, purpose, does not change. Life only gives us what we need to grow, to fully understand; and it gives it to us according to what we think, say, do, and believe. It is called the Law of Compensation.
What habits keep us in bondage? Suffering? Limitation? Poverty? Is it our responsibility to accept the limitations handed down to us by our family? Many of our ancestors believed they were duty bound to suffer in this life because they would receive their rewards in heaven. As a result, many of us are so heavenly bound, we are no earthly good. We have missed the point. We suffer needlessly because we do not know the law. In the Valley of Purpose and Intent, the governing Law of Compensation says:
As above, so below. As you think, do, and give, so shall it be done unto you.
This law is the first cousin to the Law of Belief, where what you believe creates what you experience. The difference being, compensation gives you exactly what you give. What you are thinking above your neck determines what you do and experience below your neck. With belief, that is all you have to do. With compensation, an action is also required.
The Law of Compensation, when used properly, provides us with the opportunity to lift ourselves from where we are to where we rightfully belong. It hinges on intent. What do you intend to do about where you are? How do you intend to do it? In order to comply with this law, you must act. Think right. Order your life. Act right. Take for example Algebra 101. You are given a formula and expected to work out a problem. In the beginning, you will make many mistakes. You may apply the improper formula, apply the correct formula in an incorrect way, or you may not carry out the operations to their fullest extent. Your mistakes do not always result from not having correct information. They are also the result of your miscalculations. If you continue doing the same thing, you will be compensated with the incorrect solution to your problem. You cannot change the formula, the way to the solution. You can, however, change how you apply the formula to the problem which confronts you. The formula always works. The issue is how you apply it. Your purpose is always in you. The issue is how to work through the challenges to get to it. The Law of Compensation does not imply that we are to ignore the wrongs we experience in life. We cannot pretend we do not have empty places in our hearts. We must admit when we have been underdeveloped in certain areas. What the law requires of us is to not act as if we are fully developed. We must ask and wait for guidance and support. In doing so, we are expected to think beyond the dark spots into the light, always acting in a manner that will ensure that we move through the darkness. In his book Working the Law, Raymond Holliwell suggests:
Crowd out all inferior thoughts by superior thoughts, evil thoughts by good thoughts, ugly thoughts by beautiful thoughts … In other words, learn to think constructively of all persons, all things and events, and all circumstances.
The key is intent. When we intend to move beyond wherever we are, we will move. Our actions will become aligned with our deepest desire and the way will be made. However, when we have no intent, when we become stuck where we are, or when our behavior is an inappropriate formula to escape the situation in which we find ourselves, it will be virtually impossible to find the solution.
What does this have to do with purpose? Remember, intent is the path to purpose. When you have an intent in your heart that is in alignment with the universal laws and your spiritual mission, you will move beyond all difficulties to your purpose. The Law of Compensation helps those who help themselves. When you strike out to overcome the challenges and obstacles, eliminating all malice from your heart, keeping your intent pure through honest desire, the universe will support you. When you live as if the world owes you a living and the people in the world owe you an apology, your intent is not to move beyond where you are. Your intent is to be right. Somebody was wrong and you want to be right. Somebody hurt you and you want to see them hurt. You are putting out thoughts which will reap you returns. You are behaving in an inappropriate manner and you will be compensated. Only when we cease to acknowledge a situation will we cease to attract it. The law says, put your house in order, your mind and your life. Then you can and will realize an orderly flow of events in and through your life.
The law is exact. We always reap what we sow. When we attract unpleasant experiences, it is often because there is a dormant or undeveloped part of our nature which requires awakening. That is the issue being challenged by a given experience. Our experiences do not come to make us suffer. We attract what we need to grow, to awaken our spiritual nature. That part of our nature is more often than not directly linked to our purpose. Whatever we attract, no matter how difficult, we need in order to grow and learn. Whatever we attract or experience, we can work through if we know the law.
What you are, you must give. What you give, you get. With regard to purpose, when you give of yourself the thing you know yourself to be, you will be rewarded in kind. If you know you are a dancer and you give a hundred percent of yourself to that art, the universe will reward you with greater opportunities to share your gift. If you know you are a healer, share your healing gift. In return, you will be adequately provided for in life. If you are a teacher, teach. If you are a plumber, fix pipes. Follow the urging of your heart and do what you are. We get thrown off track when we listen to the opinions of others who may believe what we are good at will not bring us bountiful rewards. We are thrown off course when we get stuck in the drama, pain, or shame of our life’s experiences. The most common deterrent to the pursuit of purpose is the belief that the thing we want is not right, not good enough, or not what spirit wants us to do. We are always questioning whether or not we are doing the right thing. When what we are doing does not appear to bring us the prosperity and abundance we want, our immediate thought is that we are doing the wrong thing.
Remember the formula? It may not be that you are doing the wrong thing. It may be that you are doing it in the wrong way. With the wrong intent. If the thing you want in your heart is the thing spirit wants for you, why would spirit not want you to do what makes you happy? If you’re doing what you love, giving it a hundred percent of your energy and attention, and still you are not receiving prosperous returns, the problem is in your mind, not in your actions. Prosperity is a state of consciousness. It is not a reflection of what you do. What you give, you get. If you are thinking “I can’t make money doing this” or “I’m not doing the right thing,” you will be compensated for your thoughts. You will not make money. You will not execute your tasks with the level of excellence and commitment which will bring you ample returns.
When you are on purpose, when you are doing exactly what you were born to do, you must be compensated justly! When you give what you have—whether that is a musical or mechanical talent; an ability to see, hear, or speak; the patience to sit; or the strength to lift—you will get all that you need and desire to enable you to continue to give and grow. This does not mean you will not be challenged. Nor does it mean you will not have your valley experiences. What it does mean is that your outlook, your perceptions, and your reactions to the things around you will be different. You will not be so easily knocked down or thrown off course. When you are on purpose, you understand your mission. When you have a mission, you are focused on what you are doing. When you have focus, that vision is like a razor, cutting through difficulties, paving a path for you to follow.
Purpose is much broader than goals. When we set goals, we set a prescribed way of doing a thing, within a specific frame of time and activities. Unfortunately, goals are usually limited to our perceptions and judgments. We set goals based on what we know, what we can see, what we fear, and what we think may or may not happen. Very often, when we set goals, we do so in response to our perceived limitations and those of the world. Purpose is different. When we are on purpose, we allow spirit to guide us and provide for us. Our concern is not with the world, what we see or what we know. When we are on purpose, we may set levels of achievement, but we are not fixed to a prescribed way. We are open to our inner guidance. Our desired outcome is not tied to money, fame, or recognition. We are doing what we do because it is a part of us we must give.
Since life is set up to teach us lessons, to provide us with the opportunity to learn and embrace spiritual virtues and to broaden our sense of self, our purpose is usually hidden beneath a barrage of challenging experiences. The most difficult experiences in your life are designed to teach you the most valuable lessons. Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the time, those lessons are attached to your purpose. Take for example Ray Charles. His purpose is to give music, to play the piano. Rest assured, the process of learning how to play was much more difficult for him than for a person with vision. Yet from somewhere in his soul, he found the strength to work at it and learn. He not only had to play the piano, he had to write music. He not only had to write the music, he had to communicate it to sighted people. Ray was on purpose. The clue was that he had a singing voice. You will always have a natural propensity to do your purpose. The spirit of life provides you with exactly what you need. Your job in life is to trust yourself to do what you love. Develop enough faith in yourself and the process of life to provide you with what you need. Above all else, the lesson we come into the Valley of Purpose and Intent to learn is commitment. Commitment is the stuff that dreams are made of.
In addition to being angry and wanting to escape, Raylene had no commitment. She was not committed to her brothers, her son, or herself. She was committed to John, and when he betrayed her, she lost her sense of commitment. She was not committed to finding a way out of the pain she had experienced in life. Raylene’s commitment was to escape. She wanted to escape the pain and disappointment of her life. She did so by blaming others, using alcohol and drugs, and living in denial. Throughout it all, her purpose continued to come up. Go to school. She loved children and numbers. She wanted to be a math teacher. She never forgot the dream. Unfortunately, she was not committed enough to pursue it. She had the right formula—escape. She simply applied it in the wrong way.
When I was growing up, I was constantly told I was stupid and I talked too much. My family was completely unaware that they were destroying my commitment to my purpose. My brother told me I was stupid. My caretakers frequently asked me how I could be so stupid. It seemed as if everyone took the opportunity to tell me how stupid I looked, sounded, or behaved. When I was not being told how stupid I was, I was being told to shut up because I talked too much. I grew up believing I could not think my way out of a paper bag and that if I could think, I better not talk about it.
Your purpose is going to be challenged. Some of the wealthiest people in the world grew up in abject poverty. Some of the most loving people in the world were raised in abusive situations. Some of the most talented, gifted musicians, artists, teachers, and doctors grew up in situations which, had they succumbed to them, would have taken them off purpose. You must earn what you have. Life does not give you anything. You must give in order to get. You must stand up to the very thing that challenges you, look it in the face, get clear about your intention, order your thoughts and your life, and proceed without fear or hesitation. Life is not unfair. Along the way, you will always find bits of information and support to guide you to purpose. People, sometimes strangers, will support you in doing the very thing you have been told not to do. At seemingly inopportune, inconvenient moments, you will be urged or supported to get on purpose. When you have a clear intent and commitment, you will find your way.
Raylene had many opportunities along the way to get on purpose. When she worked for the city and was mandated to get a high school diploma, the ease with which she took the test was a sign. Her A.A. mentor encouraged her. The undying love for numbers and children was another clue. Raylene, like many of us, was stuck in her past pains and hurt. Her intent was to survive, not flourish. At the core was the issue of belief and thoughts. Raylene did not believe she could flourish. Her thoughts were confined to her negative experiences, which produced hate, fear, and a lack of trust. In my own life, my family’s affirmations of my stupidity and loquaciousness were counteracted by the praises of my teachers and friends who constantly told me how smart I was. Did I listen? Of course not! Human nature is to cling to the not so good and ignore the good. I was unconsciously eager to accept what others said was not good about me and ignored the support and encouragement I received.
If we go out to a party, we may find everything in perfect order. The host and hostess are gracious, well dressed, and accommodating. The food is beautifully presented, tastefully prepared. The music is jamming. The guests are friendly, a real party crowd. We enjoy ourselves, get home at a reasonable hour, still humming and patting our feet. The next day when a friend asks, “How was the party?,” our response is, “Everything was nice, but the beans were salty!” We find the one thing that was out of sync and dwell on that rather than reinforcing all the good. The issue of picking the scabs comes up when we are examining ourselves or our lives. We get stuck on those things which bring us pain and discomfort while ignoring the support and help we receive from any number of sources.
How do we know Raylene is in the Valley of Purpose and not that of O.P.P., Light, or any of the others? She had no commitment. Raylene was not committed to anyone or anything. She took whatever came along rather than using her time, energy, and talent to create what she wanted or needed. The big clue was that she had a talent, a gift, which continued to surface. She did not make the necessary effort to put that gift to work for herself, but she never lost it. We cannot look at the situations and experiences which took Raylene off track. We must look at her response to them. In spite of all of the hardships she experienced, the one thing she loved, the thing she was good at, was the thing she resisted the most. Nothing she experienced made her any less fond of children or dissipated her talent to work with numbers. In addition, she openly resisted all opportunities to go to college. She bought into her negative experiences by remaining angry about them and refusing to confront them. Finally, at key points in her life experience, Raylene was being encouraged to pursue her purpose.
“You got to have a dream/If you don’t have a dream/How you gonna have a dream come true?” That song from South Pacific is the purpose theme song. All people need a dream, something they can look forward to, something they live to see materialize. When we dream, we transcend all external experiences and go right to the end, the experience we desire. When that experience is tied to the thing we are good at or the thing we love to do, we set up an energy to which the universe must respond. When we can take small steps toward the dream, when we keep a commitment to manifesting the dream in our hearts and minds, we will find just the right opportunities at just the right time to push us forward.
When you have a dream and realize that dream is your purpose, your place in life will open up for you! The little girl in you becomes excited. The virgin in your consciousness, innocent and trusting, wants to explore the available opportunities. The mother in your soul will order your life, protect you, and support you with the right thoughts and emotions. The crone, the wisewoman, will at every turn tell you exactly what to do. Your job is to listen. No matter what others are doing, no matter how they are doing it, no one can do what you were born to do the way you were born to do it. Your purpose is you. If you get stuck in drama, trauma, pain, and hate, you close the door of possibility to purpose. If you buy into the negative affirmations and experiences of your home or the world, you lower your sense of self to the breaking point. Once it breaks, you may believe you are not worthy of doing better or being better. Your purpose does not care what you look like, how you grew up, what you have and do not have. Your purpose is waiting for you to bring it to life, much in the same manner it brought you to life.
Do not make the mistake of believing that everything in your world will be put on hold while you search for your purpose. Chances are, your life will continue to revolve at its whirlwind pace. You must be able to recognize your own growing discontent, inharmonious relationships, and superficial distractions. It will be up to you to decide to detach, pull back. Identify and release all nonessential activities and commitments. Cease all non-meaningful, unnecessary conversations. Execute your required duties at home or at work while making time for periods of silence when you can ask yourself and answer for yourself, “What is my purpose? What is my dream?”
When you are in pursuit of purpose, the Valley of Light is a good place to go. Spend time alone. Pay attention to what you are feeling. Investigate your thoughts. Examine your activities. Do not judge, condemn, or criticize anything you are doing or have done. Postpone making decisions and pronouncements until you are clear and peaceful within. Consciously, patiently, unwind yourself from the day-to-day affairs of the world. Avoid the temptation to read newspapers, listen to the radio, or watch television. From those sources you will hear how bad things are, how terrible it is, which is sure to reinforce any negative thoughts or emotions you may be having. What is going on in the world is not your truth! Your truth is within you. Your purpose is couched in your truth.
When you are searching for purpose, music always helps. Find some slow-paced, melodic music to suit your mood. If you feel stuck, you may want to dance. Play something with drums. If you are not sure what you feel, play some soul-stirring jazz. If there is a particular quality you want to invoke, try gospels or spiritual music. Music, dancing, and singing raise energy vibrations, internally and externally. Do not think of purpose or finding it as work. Finding your purpose is a process of extrapolating from the inside to the outside what it is you have come to life to do. That must not be seen as a task or a chore. It can be an exciting, funfilled journey. If you reduce the process to a tedious, desperate chore, you will discourage yourself and opt out for what you are already doing.
Many of us will think the steps toward finding purpose are impossible if we have children, mates, and other family members around. Know that they are not. Children are your greatest allies and support. Each day, make a sincere effort to tenderly embrace and adore the children around you. That will help to nurture the child in you. Say to your children the things you need or wish to have said to you. Spend five quality minutes with them and tenderly ask them to help you. Tell them you are trying to figure something out and you need to be alone. Ask them to play quietly, stay in their room, or find something to do. When you speak to the children, look at them, look directly into their eyes. Talk to their spirit, their soul, not their mind. Elicit a promise from them to help you and hold them to their promise. When they forget, get noisy, or come banging on the door, remind them of what they promised to do.
Toddlers are going to challenge you. They will keep coming back. Simply repeat your need for space and their promise to be still. Repetition is the mother of skill. If you repeat the process often enough, you and they will master it. Male children are the best support you can have. Hug the little male children. Hold them in your arms, nestle them close to your breast, stroke their heads and rock them. They are children, but they are still representations of male energy. Their energy will help to balance your energy. Nurturing the male energy will help bring your feminine energy into focus.
When possible, give the older children charge over the younger ones. Give them an assignment like folding the linen, shining the silverware, organizing the pots, picking lint balls—anything to keep their little minds occupied for ten or fifteen minutes at a time. That is all you will need at regular intervals to get still and get in touch with yourself. Husbands, boyfriends, live-in mates, and family are equally easy to handle. They may become frightened or concerned by your need for silence and withdrawal. Tenderness is the key. Do not tell them you do not feel good or that you have a problem. Their response will be to want to help you. They will feel guilty. They may want to encourage you to dismiss the situation. Tell the truth: it will set you free. I need some space alone. If you say “time alone,” they will want to know how much time. Let them know that space is personal and personally defined. Reassure them that absolutely nothing is wrong. Elicit their support in keeping the children quiet, occupied, or otherwise engaged. Perhaps you can get your mate to cook or do the housework while you take a walk or just sit.
Laundry is a great way to get them out of the house or yourself out of the house. People regard the laundry as an unpleasant task; however, have you ever noticed how quiet the Laundromat is? People rarely talk to one another. Everyone is focused on getting the clothes done and getting out. The Laundromat, like the laundry room, is an excellent place to find peace and solitude. One advantage is that no one will question why you are spending so much time with the laundry. If you withdraw, you are bound to be grilled with questions like, “What’s wrong with you?”
When you are searching for purpose, trying to detach, the telephone will be your greatest challenge. Should you answer it? Should you use it? Will the machine hold all your messages as you withdraw and seek refuge within? If it rings, you may become annoyed. If it does not ring, you may wonder why. It may be worthwhile to unplug it and the answering machine. If you only unplug the telephone, you will be tempted to answer certain people when they call. If both are disconnected, you will get the news when you get it. Partial detachment is an effort to maintain control. You must detach completely for intervals of time in order to hear and feel what is going on within.
How long? How long does it take to detach? How long does it take to find purpose? It takes as long as it takes. For some, clarity comes right away. Others need hours, days, weeks, or years. Whatever you need will be determined by your desire, intent, and willingness to know what it is you have come to do and be. Trust yourself to know and you will know. Allow yourself to get still, to sift through and sort out the events and activities of your life. Ask yourself the hard-core questions: What do I want to do? What do I like to do? What must I do to be in service to spirit? The goal here is not to drop out of sight or life. It is to become still, to listen and reflect in order to gain clarity and direction. You can do this ritually every day or once a week. You can do it consciously as you move through your day. Or, as suggested here, when the events of your life collide and/or crash, leaving you feeling lost or hopeless, you can make a concentrated effort to pull back. Take your time. You cannot lose your purpose; it is waiting for you to seek and find.
There is another group of purpose seekers we must recognize. This is the group of people who already know their purpose—they know exactly what they have come to do in life and they are willing to do it. Some may even be working at their purpose. The issue for them is how to make it pay off. How can you live your purpose and still enjoy a good life? This is a particularly pressing issue for artistic and creative people. The dancers, artists, writers, etc., whose skills and talents are not considered among the important priorities in a capitalist society. These are the people who spend year upon year training and trying to earn a living at what they do. They are on purpose but they are starving to death.
The key is commitment. Many people treat their purpose as a hobby and their job as a way of life. Only when your purpose becomes the priority will it treat you like you treat it, royally. You must be committed to your purpose even when it does not pay well. Each day, you must commit a certain amount of time to your purpose, your talent. You must have a dream. Be able to see how what you do can be, will be, of value to the world. That dream should not hinge on making money. It should hinge on your love of what you do and your willingness to give of yourself doing it, not on whether or not you get paid. Everyone may not have the opportunity to be the lead dancer in the Dance Theatre of Harlem, or a drummer on “The Tonight Show.” What each and every one of us does have is the opportunity to spend some part of every day giving of ourselves to the thing we love.
I have many friends who are musicians. Quite often they become frustrated and discouraged in their music making: they don’t have a record deal, they don’t have the money to go into the studio. I ask them, Is your intent to go into the studio or is your intent to make music? Most of them want to make music in the studio so they can make money. Wrong! Just make the music. Live your life committed to making music. Play where you can for whoever you can, in the right way, the divine way; when it is time for you to go into the studio to make a recording, you will go. Nothing can stop your purpose. Maybe it is not your purpose to be a recording artist. Your purpose may be to teach music or simply to play it to discipline yourself. Perhaps your love of music will open your heart to the divine love of the universe. Still, if the desire is in your heart to record, you will record. You play the music and let the universe take care of the details.
Purpose is about being and giving, not doing and having. If you are a musician, be a musician. You may work in the post office, but be a musician. Do everything in your power to perfect your skill while you are supporting yourself. If you are a nurse, be a nurse. Be health-conscious, health-minded, live every single day of your life as if you are a health-care professional or practitioner. It does not matter whether or not you have your degree. Do not be concerned if you work as a secretary during the day while going to nursing school at night. Be a nurse right where you are at all times. When you live your purpose, you develop commitment to it. You begin to embody all that which encompasses what your purpose requires. Get clear about exactly what your purpose is, because you can get confused. When people ask me, “Are you a writer?,” I say, “No, I am a teacher.” My purpose in life is to teach through my speaking and writing ability. I happen to be a teacher who has the ability to write. I write. I am not a writer. I am very clear about the fact that I am a teacher on a mission of healing. It may manifest in various ways at various times, but I am on purpose.
It may be necessary for you to expand your definition of what you now do in order to get clarity on your purpose. When we think of teachers, we think only of schools and classrooms. Teachers are also facilitators, trainers, housewives, all sorts of people in all sorts of environments. Doctors are not only those people who have medical degrees. Doctors bring healing to the mind, body, and spirit. A counselor is a doctor of sorts. A beautician is a doctor of another kind. Barmaids are doctors. Each of these people in his or her own environment brings forth some sort of healing. Labels restrict us. Definitions which we have created for ourselves keep us in bondage to O.E.P. and the limitations of others. When you expand your view of yourself, you will undoubtedly know the concept of your purpose. In his book You Can Have It All, Arnold Patent reveals the perfect formula for finding purpose and making it pay off. You can do what you love, what you are good at, while providing a needed service to the world, the world community, and the world of your local community, and at the same time, realize personal fulfillment and material satisfaction. The keys are intent, trust, faith, clarity, and commitment—all of the lessons the Valley of Purpose and Intent is designed to teach.
MEDITATION WITH THE MOTHER
—J. CALIFORNIA COOPER,IN SEARCH OF SATISFACTION
Ahhh. Satan was happy with these people. Hate is so helpful in things he likes to do!
Where is the Mother when the daughters are in pain? She is there, waiting for them to surrender. Where is the Mother when the daughters spill their blood, their life force, on unworthy flights of fancy? She is there, waiting for them to surrender. Where is the Mother when the daughters cry, burdened and broken down from the weight of this life? There she is. She is waiting for them to surrender.
Where is the Mother when the daughters want to surrender but cannot, do not, in fear that no one will be there to save them? She is there, waiting, praying, that they will surrender. For when they do, she will not only catch them, save them, heal them, she will open their minds to their true salvation—the undying salvation of a mothers love, which is the only thing that can save them from themselves.