The Valley of Non-resistance
HE WAS SIX-FOOT-TWO AND WEIGHED 223 POUNDS. I WAS FIVE-FOOT-FIVE AND WEIGHED 137 POUNDS . The hallway was nine feet long and five feet wide. It was a long, narrow hallway. I was on the bottom. He was on the top. His hands were around my throat. He was choking me—to death, I thought. With every fiber of my being I fought him. Clutching at his hands. Scratching at his eyes. Twisting my body, trying to knee him in the groin. It was not working. He was still calling me a bitch. Still choking me.
This was getting serious. My thoughts were getting fuzzy. I could feel the strength waning from my legs and arms. Every few minutes, he would let me go just long enough—long enough to get enough oxygen, to gain enough strength to wiggle, wrestle, and fight some more. It dawned on me: “He likes it. He likes to see me squirming and fighting.” I really didn’t believe he wanted to kill me. Hell, he wasn’t even as mad this time as he was the time he hit me in the head with the bed slat. He just liked to fight and watch me fight back as he beat me, slapped me, or like now, choked me. Well, he wasn’t going to get his rocks off on me today! In the midst of the next fuzzy-head spell, I stopped. I let my hands fall limp at my side, my legs slide to the floor. I just stopped fighting him. I focused my eyes squarely on his eyes then on his twisted, writhing mouth, and I just stared. With both hands firmly around my burning neck, he gave one last push, as if to expel the air out of my body. And then, he got up.
I once read in a magazine article that when a person gets electrocuted, nine times out of ten it is not the electricity that kills them, but their resistance. When the voltage of a kitchen light passes through the human body, it is not powerful or dangerous enough to kill you. But when the person feels that shock, immediately the body goes into fear. It stiffens with the impulse to pull away. Unfortunately, the brain works faster than the body can interpret. Rather than pull, the body’s impulse is to push against the very source that created the shock. In fear and the attempt to get away, you give power to the thing. I guess it would take pretty quick thinking to relax and let the current flow through your body, which according to the article, would not kill you. Human beings, however, are programmed to resist that which they fear, that which they cannot control. In the end, fear and resistance knock you flat on your behind.
Sharon is a beautiful sister. She has the body of life and the face to match. She is, however, the ugly duckling in her family. She grew up in a family where there was little support, even less encouragement, and many, many secrets. Sharon learned early that she was to do what was expected of her and make as little trouble as possible. Sharon’s father, a wealthy businessman, was an alcoholic who openly kept a mistress. Her mother, the perfect homemaker, was often brutally beaten by her father. Sharon and her sisters grew up in a beautiful home, wore expensive clothing, went to private school, and lived in total terror.
Sharon was blessed and cursed to be the rebel. She was always the first to jump to her mother’s defense, for which her father would beat her and her mother would scold her. She persistently questioned the inconsistencies she lived at home: the immaculate house, fraught on the inside with violence, provided a loving family image even though its inhabitants rarely spoke to one another. At age thirteen, Sharon was labeled disturbed and sent to therapy. When she told her therapist how she felt about her mother and her father’s mistress, therapy ended and she spent two weeks alone in her room on punishment. When she was eighteen, Sharon was sent away to an Ivy League college. She was relieved to be away from home.
Sharon immediately joined every militant group on campus. She spent most of her time in rallies and meetings. Her grades were deplorable in every class except art. Sharon loved art, but she knew, as her mother had told her, “You cannot make a living drawing pictures.” At the end of her sophomore year, her parents called her on the carpet and refused to continue paying tuition for her to fail. Sharon didn’t care. She’d come home and work. Fine, her parents told her. You’ll work and you’ll pay rent. They had to be crazy! She would not pay rent to them. They were supposed to take care of her. She refused. They refused. Sharon moved in with her boyfriend, Richard, who lived in his mother’s basement.
Several months of playing house with Richard rendered Sharon very pregnant. They decided to get married. Both sets of parents were skeptical, but they helped out by splitting the bill for the apartment and furniture. Sharon had the baby and went to work for a local art museum. Richard stayed home with the baby to try to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. When he hadn’t figured it out after two years, Sharon took the baby and left.
All the parents were in an uproar. Where will you go? What will you do? We’ll keep the baby. Sharon would hear or have none of it. She found a small apartment and kept working. She would show them what she was capable of. Shortly after her separation, Sharon was offered a job out of state. It paid a great deal more money than she was making and had some pretty nice perks. When Sharon told her parents and her husband, they all had the same response: “You can’t go and take the baby away from us.” Sharon left within ten days of receiving the offer.
The job was great. She found a lovely studio apartment. Her salary adequately covered her expenses and all seemed to be going her way for the first time in a long time. Unfortunately, Sharon could not enjoy her newfound freedom and sense of self. She was still very angry at her parents and very lonely. Toward the end of the first year in her new home, Sharon met a man—a married man who seemed to be madly in love with her. He took her and her son on wonderful trips. He was very generous and bought her nice things, including a car. Sharon could talk to him and he would listen, because he liked the things she liked. There were times when Sharon was uncomfortable about being in a relationship with a married man, but she learned to overcome those moments. Her new beau encouraged her to pursue her art, even to return to school. He said he would help pay for it. Things were looking pretty good, until Sharon met the man’s wife.
Sharon arrived home from work one evening to find a woman and a dog seated on her front steps. As she approached them, the woman called her name. She introduced herself as the man’s wife. Sharon almost fainted. The woman looked to be about thirty years older than her beau and she was blind. She explained to Sharon that the man had married her for her money. He had made a deal with her father to marry her, and have children with her, in return for the inheritance of her father’s business. He had always kept a mistress, which the wife said she didn’t mind as long as things didn’t get too serious. Things between him and Sharon were getting to the point where ’he was talking about divorce. Sharon needed to know that if he divorced her, he would be without a dime and a few other vital parts of his anatomy. It would be best for Sharon to leave town quietly, before she too lost a few parts of her anatomy. Sharon tried to reach her beau and could not. She left town two weeks after the visit. She ended up back home, paying rent.
Things had really disintegrated between her parents. They hardly spoke, partly because her father rarely came home. With all of the children gone, he stayed out most of the time. After thirty-two years of marriage, Sharon’s father sent her mother by mail a notice of intent to file for divorce. Sharon’s mother fell completely to pieces, although it wasn’t as if she hadn’t known it would happen sooner or later. During the divorce, Sharon was glad to be home, to be a source of support for her mother. Her father had entered A.A. and stopped drinking. His business was doing great. He soon married his longtime mistress and bought a home in a very exclusive part of town.
Sharon stayed home with her mom for a year. For the first time in her life, Sharon felt a sense of closeness with her mother. They laughed and talked together. At last she felt that her mother loved and respected her. Things were fine until Mom began to criticize her every move. Why did she insist on chasing that art crap? Why did Sharon refuse to get a real job? Why didn’t she go back to Richard? Why did she keep cutting her hair off?. Eventually, Sharon left home again, divorced Richard, took another low paying job and moved into another small studio with her son. She tried to figure out what to do. Before she could get it clear, she met Victor. Victor worked with her, respected her, seemed to have his stuff together, and had the body of life! Victor stated early on his desire to marry Sharon and make a home for her son. Sharon agreed that would be best. They bought a house. They got married. They had two children in two years and Victor lost his mind.
They had always had volatile arguments. Victor was a real man and he wanted a real woman. Sharon was to cook and clean and serve at his every beck and call. He was to drink, snort cocaine, and have as many women as he wanted. If Sharon did not like it, he would smack her in the face or punch her in the mouth, or throw her down the stairs. Things got worse when he began to throw the children around. Sharon was frantic. She didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t go home, but she had to get away. The day Victor broke her son’s arm, she knew she had to figure it out.
Sharon sent her oldest son to live with her father. She took the two smaller children with her, back into a studio apartment. For two years Sharon struggled to make ends meet, only to eventually be evicted. She found another apartment. One year later, she was evicted again. She had been seeing a man for a short while. He offered to put her in an apartment. She accepted. He moved in. He beat her. She moved out. She got another apartment. She got evicted again.
Sharon’s family watched her critically, hopelessly and helplessly shaking their heads. They all knew her problem. Her parents and siblings never missed an opportunity to tell her what was wrong with her. She was irresponsible. She was inconsiderate. She was immature. She was an embarrassment to the entire family, all of whom were financially and emotionally secure. Something, they said, was wrong with Sharon. None of it was new. She had heard it all growing up. It just had a different sting to it now. They reminded her of all the mistakes she had made, like leaving Richard who had become a successful attorney. He was prospering and stable. He had also been watching, and at her lowest ebb, decided to sue Sharon for custody of their son. It sent shock waves through her body.
Sharon was devastated. She felt totally alone and vulnerable. She felt that everyone was picking on her and against her. She was defensive and wounded. With the help of a few friends, Sharon found the money to defend herself in the custody battle and rent a new apartment. She was promoted on her job. She set up a lovely home environment for her children. Her oldest son was now fifteen. He did not want to come home to live with her. She was poor. She could handle her family coming down on her, but not her son. She begged and pleaded with him and finally put her foot down. He came home and the wolves really came after Sharon.
Her mother told her she was unfit and could not handle it. Her father told her she was an ingrate who had broken his heart. Her first husband vowed to drag her through every court in the system. Her most recent husband refused to pay child support and took every opportunity to stalk and threaten her. Sharon had a really hard time at work. She was continuously in a controversy, argument, or dispute with management and co-workers. She was deeply in debt and her salary barely covered expenses. She felt tired. She looked old. She could not afford a new dress or a dinner out. She had not been sexually active in two years. This was a bit much for a girl to handle.
Sharon had just about reached her wits’ end when she got the telephone call. A prestigious art gallery in another state had heard about her and wanted to hire her. Would she be interested? She borrowed some money and bought a new outfit. She went to two interviews before they offered to double her current salary. Sharon knew that meant leaving her hometown again. She knew it meant uprooting her children again. She knew it meant being alone, more alone than she was now. She turned them down. A few weeks later, they called her back. They would give her two and a half times more than she was making now. She said no thank you.
Sharon confided in a friend about her situation. The friend told her this was an opportunity for a new start and that she should not let fear control her. Sure, it meant change, but change is always good. How would she get to and from work? Commute until the end of the school year and then move. Who would take care of the children while she was away? With the kind of money she’d be making, she could hire someone. Where would she live in a new city? Rent a room until you find a house. What would her parents say? Don’t tell them until you’re gone. Sharon was still wavering when the third call came. The new employer offered to pay her at the top of the line for the first six months. After her review they would shift her to another line where there would be annual increases of fifteen percent. Her starting salary would be four times more than she was now earning. Sharon hung up and started packing.
The baby-sitter came. A reliable vehicle came so that she could commute. Friends rallied around her. The family was skeptical but quiet. Sharon started the new job. It was tough the first couple of weeks, but she got the hang of it. The commute was rough, but the money was great. Then came the new boyfriend. He had no job, no money, but he was great with the children and great to Sharon. He was gentle, kind, and extremely supportive. He had the baggage of an ex-wife, several do-nothing adult children, and a rip-roaring case of confusion, but he was a nice guy.
They got rid of the baby-sitter because they suspected she was stealing. He moved in and became a househusband. Sharon became the sole support of the family. One of his sons and a grandchild came to live with them. They moved into a bigger house, closer to Sharon’s job. Six months into the relationship, there were seven people living in the house, Sharon was the only one working, and she was five months pregnant.
One bright, sunny morning, Sharon sat down and took an inventory of her life. She immediately came to the conclusion that she was not a happy camper. There was so much going on in her life and she couldn’t figure out how it had happened. Things seemed to be fine on the outside. Things were going smoothly, but she had a gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach that something was about to blow up in her face. Of course it did. Her new beau had not been faithful. He could not be faithful because he was in love with another woman. He loved Sharon, but this other thing was something else. He did not want to leave, but would Sharon please help him work through this? Sharon looked at him in total disbelief. She knew what he was saying to her, but she could not believe it. The man she had been supporting financially, a man who had lied to her, who had betrayed her, now wanted her to be his therapist. She was incensed, but she was also pregnant. She was afraid of being left with four children to raise alone. Against her better judgment, almost against her will, she promised her weeping lover she would not leave him. They would work it out. In her sacrifice of her own needs to heal her wayward lover, Sharon took the final plunge into the Valley of Nonresistance.
When something is in our way, stands in opposition to what we want, what we think, or what we are doing, the natural inclination is to fight it. To use all of our mental and physical power to remove the thing. To do away with it. We resist that which opposes us. We resist to the point of exhaustion, which inevitably allows the thing to overtake us. It is a funny thing about resistance. When we see those food commercials on television, or sale circulars promising to give us everything under the sun for half price, we do not resist. We take our pennies, dollars, and credit cards right down to the nearest store, spending uncontrollably because no one can resist another piece of pie, chocolate, fried chicken, a good sale. Yet when it comes to the bigger issues in life, making hard decisions, definitive moves which would propel us into a new state of consciousness, we resist.
Resistance causes friction. Friction causes irritation. Friction in the form of opposition and resistance wears down the life force of the mind, the body, and eventually, the spirit. When you go through life fighting opposition, resisting the things and people who oppose you, you will eventually lose sight of the real objective of life: to live in peace, harmony, and freedom. The Law of Nonresistance states:
The wise ones will not fight the obstacles, but bless them and go on. As they go on with faith and assurance, they grow stronger. Their course becomes more direct, their understanding is of greater depth than the mighty ocean, their ultimate objective is not far from them.
In other words, as a dear friend of mine would say, “I don’t know what you are doing! I know what I am doing and I am doing it!” We do not need to stop what we are doing because of anything anyone else is doing. Obstacles, challenges, differing views and opinions are an active part of life. When we resist and fight against difference, we allow ourselves to be taken off course, stopped in our tracks, and beaten down.
The need to be right and in control is the steady diet of resistance. When we meet up with people or situations which threaten what we believe or want, immediately we become resistant. We label them, we fight them, we dilute our energy. “Bless them that curse you; do good to them that hate you; pray for them that despitefully use you,” is the way the Bible states the law of nonresistance. When we hate, rebel against, wish ill toward people, we set into motion the energy of resistance. When we can bless a thing, look for and affirm the good in it, it alters our perception and declaws the cat we believe is out to scratch us. When you pray for or wish good unto the very thing that threatens to harm you, you increase your own vibration. You call forth the good in yourself. You take the emphasis off of what might happen and generate the power in yourself to make what you want to happen, happen. What you give, you get. That is the law. When you send out good, you must receive good.
FLOW WITH THE FLOW!
Throughout life, we develop ideas of how others should be, how they should behave, and how they should treat us. When things are not as we think they should be, we resist. These “shoulds” are judgments by which we measure our experiences. Parents should be loving to their children. Parents should behave honorably in front of their children. Parents should be nurturing towards their children. Judgments have nothing to do with the truth. Judgments are based on facts which can be altered. Truth is constant.
The truth is, some parents do not know how to love and nurture, often because they were not nurtured or shown love. The truth is, parents have lessons to learn and issues to work through. Before they were our parents, they were people living in situations and conditions they resisted and often rebelled against. The truth is, different people have different ideas of what love “looks” like. My husband’s idea of love was me doing whatever he said. When I resisted, he loved me enough to smack me around, whip me into shape. One person’s idea being in conflict with another person’s idea does not make either a “bad” person. Remember, we do what we do based on who we are, what we have experienced, and the information we have at the time. It is not right. It is not wrong. It simply is!
It may not seem fair, but children do get caught in the middle of adult confusion. As children, we are helpless and defenseless: expecting the best, but accepting whatever is offered. The best the child can do is go with the flow. The flow within the home, the conditions in which we grow up, create the experiences we need to learn our lessons. As adults, we can make alterations by discarding and amending the information, the facts, we have received. This does not mean we resist by being angry, frightened, or rebellious. It means we must detach from the emotion of a situation, discern the truth of it, integrate what we can use, and discard the rest. Parents are meant to be role models. However, they can only model what they know. As children, it is not our job to judge. If and when we do, we become the sacrificial lambs of the wounds of our parents by resisting and rebelling against what they have done.
By resisting her parents’ instructions, Sharon sacrificed herself to her parents’ wounded behavior. Her fear of becoming like her mother and her anger toward her father kept her in bondage to their issues. It was her thoughts which drew her into toxic and abusive relationships. Her fear which attracted her to unfaithful men. Her anger which made it difficult for her to provide a loving, stable home for her own children. Sharon’s resistance and anger led her to make unproductive choices and kept her embroiled in controversy with those around her. It was her resistance to other people’s stuff which she eventually adopted as her own. It was her own thoughts, which she obeyed in deed, that drove her to re-create in her own life the same experiences she had lived as a child.
At last report, Sharon did not know if she was ready to end her relationship with the man who loved another woman. She felt the man had some very redeeming qualities and there were certain conveniences she was not ready to give up. She decided to wait until after the baby was born and then try to figure out what to do. In some ways, Sharon had given up. She was tired of fighting, tired of being hurt, tired of being alone. She did what so many of us do when we do not know the law: she gave in. The Law of Nonresistance does not teach us to cave in, give in, or give up. The experiences of this valley are designed to teach us the ultimate act of nonresistance, surrender, which has a completely different meaning and outcome.
I always want to know what is going to happen. Many of the most difficult decisions I face are not difficult at all. I make them difficult when my mind begins to race, trying to explore every possible option, every feasible outcome, in search of the one which will bring me the greatest amount of pleasure—or the least amount of pain. In the process of trying to make a decision, I drive myself crazy, resisting the things I do not want, trying to control what I do want. At some point, I become so stressed out, so frustrated, I have no choice but to surrender. I do not give up—I give the situation to the Father/Mother God and trust that the best will happen.
I lived in New York for the first thirty-three years of my life. I lived in apartment buildings in some of the best and worst neighborhoods Brooklyn has to offer. When I left New York to move to Philadelphia, I promised myself and my children we would live in a house. I started my search with absolutely no idea of what I wanted—I simply wanted a house. The first few weeks of my search were fruitless. The houses I wanted I could not afford. The houses I could afford were like apartments without the surrounding doors. I ran up and down the New Jersey Turnpike like a madwoman, determined to find a house. I was just about to give up when a friend told me to surrender.
I was ranting and raving about homeowners not wanting children and pets. I suspected I had been refused most of the nice places because I was Black. I did not know Philadelphia, so I did not know where I should be looking. I was furiously determined that I would give my children something my parents never gave me: a home, with a front door that had a mail slot. My friend asked me if I had a picture in my mind of what the house would look like. I had kind of an idea. She asked me how many rooms I wanted. I wanted whatever was available. She then told me to sit down and create a picture in my mind of exactly what I wanted. The size of the house, the number of rooms, the color of my kitchen—everything down to the most intimate detail had to be clear in my mind. She told me to look through magazines, books, anything that would give me a clearer picture of my divine, ideal home. Once I had that done, I was to thank God for it and stop looking.
I was fine with everything except the “stop looking” part. How was I supposed to find a house if I didn’t look for it? She told me to surrender it to God. To trust God to bring into manifestation the very thing I wanted and needed. She explained that surrender does not mean we give up. It means we give over to the perfecting presence of God in our lives. This was new to me, but my 1977 Fiat could not take another trip down the road to Philly. I did just as she told me.
Skeptically, I worked with the concept for about a week. It was a Tuesday night when the picture of the house became vividly clear. As instructed, I surrendered my house to God. At 9:45 Wednesday morning, I got a call from the Public Defender’s office in Philadelphia. They wanted to offer me a position. Could I come back to Philadelphia to meet the head of the office? I would be there Friday morning. At 7:30 Wednesday night, I told God I would not take the job unless I had a house for myself and my children. I tempered it by saying, “Please, God. If you help me out this time, I will never ask you for anything else. And this time, I really mean it.” At 7:15 Thursday morning, I got a second telephone call from Philadelphia.
“Hello, you don’t know me, but I am a friend of Sandy’s. She says you want to move to Philadelphia. I have a house for you if you are interested.”
I dropped the telephone.
When I walked in the door of the house, I fought to hold back the tears. Everything in the house was exactly as I had seen it in my mind. The staircase leading upstairs was on the same side of the room as I had seen it. The kitchen had a window in the exact same place as I had seen it. The most humbling fact was, the rent was a hundred dollars less than the nicest house I had seen, which I had been refused. When you surrender, you allow the creative force of the universe to work in its own way, to bring to you exactly what you need. It is easy and effortless—a process you cannot see, probably would never even think of, and that usually reaps better results than what you had planned.
Surrender your thoughts, your anger, your fear, your resistance to not knowing, not being in control. Do not tell yourself you do not feel what you feel. Simply surrender it to your God self asking that your thoughts and emotions be harmonized, brought into alignment with your highest and greatest good. From that point on, do not think about the situation, unless you can see it in your mind exactly as you want it to be. If the thought should pop into your mind, if you find yourself going into fear or panic about the situation, breathe and affirm, “I surrender this very thought to the spirit of God in me. I trust God to perfect this situation right here and right now. Thank you, God!” Give your concerns to the greatest power there is, the almighty, all-knowing power of good.
Black women expect too little for themselves. We ask for only what we need today, the transitory need of the moment. We do not realize there are far greater possibilities, things which we cannot see or imagine waiting for us. We get stuck in anger, lack, fear, and limitation. We are overcome with trying not to do what has been done and trying to get away from what is being done. As human beings, we cannot conceive the goodness of God. We hold on to the past, we fight against the now. In doing so, in resisting, we hold ourselves back. Far too many Black women mouth a belief in God. We sing beautiful songs, offer beautiful prayers. Yet our belief in wrong, in “shoulds,” in evil and evildoers, rises to the top in the final hour. We go back to our controlling behavior, resisting our opposition and blocking God’s way. Surrender is the key.
It is hard to admit that we do not know everything. We cannot see five miles down the block, around the corner, and under the bush. We want to, but we cannot. Because we cannot, we respond or react to everything that stands between us and the corner, the corner and the bush. We are resisting the truth—the truth that we do not know. We do not know what will happen, how it will happen, and in some cases, if it will happen. Because we do not know, we perceive and judge, which takes us into fear, anger, guilt, shame—the entire gamut of negative emotions which create resistance. If you resist a thing, it will persist. The harder you resist, the greater will be the persistence of the thing which opposes you. When you surrender, you allow whatever it is to exist in its own way, having its own space, while you pursue your objective without fear, anger, or distraction.
The value of surrender is that you do all you can do to the best of your abilities. When you get to that point, you let go. It is a hard, cold fact of life that there are things you simply cannot do anything about. This does not mean you are powerless or helpless. It means that when you run out of ability, you must rely on a greater ability than yours: the ability of the universal power of spirit. Surrender means to allow the universal power of spirit to take control of the situation, knowing that the goal of the universe is your greatest good. It may not always look or feel that way, but the law is very exact.
What Sharon’s mother did was give up and give in to her environment. She could not see a way out. She misinterpreted her level of responsibility to her husband and her children. It is also quite possible that she was too afraid or too beaten down to look for a way out. That is not surrender. You are never required to surrender yourself into or because of a situation which is harmful or dangerous to your well-being. In her case, surrender would have been a willingness to surrender the marriage, stop trying to fix it or make it work. To have the husband removed from the home, while surrendering the fear of not being able to make it without him. Or to leave the home, while surrendering the fear of possibly having nowhere to go. In order to surrender, you must first be willing to admit you do not know what to do, you have done all you can, and you now invite the holy presence of spirit to take over. You then allow it to do so, remembering, “I shall fear no evil!”
What Sharon did was rebel against what she could see. Judging her parents wrong, she resisted their guidance. Her rebellion and resistance created the friction between Sharon and her parents which ultimately directed the tides in her life. As a young adult, Sharon needed to be guided to surrender her judgments and anger, to allow her parents to live their lives while she developed her own goals and dreams. This would have been no easy feat for a young woman. However, as an adult, Sharon continued to make the error we commonly make when we do not know how to surrender: she wanted to tell her parents how to live, but did not want them to tell her how to live.
So often, we know that situations and people are not productive or wanted energies in our lives. We proclaim our desire to be away from or rid of them. At the same time, we allow these people to encroach on our lives by accepting their favors, because it is easy or convenient for us to do so. We forget their negative influence when we need them or want them to do something for us. We want their time, money, or assistance, but not their guidance, comments, or suggestions. Remember, everything comes with a price. You must always give up in order to get. When you accept favors from unproductive energy, you give up a part of yourself to that which is unproductive. That is the law! In the valley of nonresistance, knowing the law is critical to your survival and evolution. You must know in your mind, heart, and soul that if you are on the right side of the law, all will be perfected in your favor. In order to know, you must also master the lesson of this valley: trust.
Belief or insistence that a particular way is the only way we can be satisfied indicates that we do not know the true meaning of surrender. To truly surrender, we must know that the outcome of a situation will be in divine order. Even when the outcome does not look like we thought it would look, we must know it is divine. When we say it “should” be this way or that, we are questioning God’s wisdom, the universal wisdom, and enforcing our own limited beliefs and perceptions. In order to move beyond resistance, to surrender and allow God’s wisdom to prevail, we must detach ourselves from the outcome. In order to detach, we must learn to trust.
Trust is recognition that we are not in control, we cannot see all the possibilities. If we resist or fear what is happening or not happening by staying attached to a particular outcome, we may in fact be limiting ourselves and God’s perfect plan. Desire, pure intent, obedience, patience, detachment from the outcome, and trust are the ingredients of total surrender.
Marilyn and Tony separated. She went home to her mother in Texas. He stayed in their apartment in New York. Their two years of marriage had been fraught with disappointments and stress due to financial pressures and Tony’s propensity to “stray” from the marriage, fostering Marilyn’s decision to leave. They loved one another, but Marilyn wanted a stronger commitment. Tony needed to feel free, uncontrolled. It was time to surrender the marriage.
Marilyn understood all the principles of surrender. Putting them into practice was a different story altogether. The first two weeks were pure torture. Marilyn prayed for guidance, being conscious not to ask for salvation of the marriage. Her quest was for peace; whatever would bring it to her was fine. She praised her spirit for guiding her and her husband so they would know exactly what to do. Anytime she had an overwhelming desire to call Tony, she would surrender the feeling and pray for strength. Marilyn knew they both needed time and space to get clear about what to do. But at the end of two weeks without Tony, her fears kicked into high gear.
In examining her willingness to surrender the marriage, Marilyn realized she was afraid. She was afraid she might lose him. She started telling herself all the things he should be doing if he really loved her and wanted to save the marriage. Spiritually, Marilyn knew that if she surrendered the marriage and Tony was not her divine right mate, he would go away. Secretly, she wanted Tony to stop running around, start saving money, and make a commitment to her. This was not surrender. This was attachment to her way.
The process of surrender and detachment, which is based on trust, is recognizing that whatever happens, happens in the manner in which it is divinely ordained to happen. The minute you start giving demands and creating pictures of what should be, you are in resistance, not surrender. When you are looking for signs that what you hope to happen is actually happening, you are resisting, not trusting. Hope that can be seen is not hope. Surrender is knowing, based on trust, laced with faith, that you will survive no matter what. Since most of our wants are constructs of our fears, what we want may not be what is divinely ordained for us. Marilyn “wanted” to stay married to Tony not only because she loved him, but because she “did not want” to be alone. She “did not want” to admit she could have been wrong about this Mr. Right. She “did not want” to feel the pain of a broken heart. She “did not want” to admit failure or face loss. She was resisting the natural flow of events and thereby possibly postponing something better. At the end of the first month, Marilyn realized that if Tony did not get it together and come for her, she would be forced to face all of her fears. The thought of it was so traumatic that she threw trust, faith, and detachment out the window, broke down, and begged God to save her marriage.
“When one door closes, another door opens.” Everyone must walk through the door in her own way, at her own pace. You cannot create a door for someone. You cannot hold the door open for her. You cannot push her through the door unless she is willing to enter. When we find ourselves alone and approaching a closed door, many times we panic. When jiggling the knob, knocking on the door, calling out for help does not cause the door to fly open, we shift into pissosity: fear laced with anger. Now we bang on the door. Using a bit more force, we rattle the doorknob. If we are particularly pissed, we may even kick the door. To no avail. The door is closed and we cannot get in, period.
If we do not know how to surrender, we will walk away from the closed door angry, vowing never to trust again. Remembering what we were told that brought us to the door, what we were promised if we came to the door, what we went through to get to the door, we conclude a closed door is our failure to realize something we hoped for. In some instances, we call a closed door betrayal, rejection, or abandonment. Our sensibilities are offended. The thing we fear is about to be realized. We become obsessed with getting the door open, without stopping to realize the door may be closed for our own good. We are resisting the lesson. Eventually we will be forced to make a choice: to stay in angry hysteria or surrender.
Tony did call Marilyn, three months after they separated, six weeks after he entered a drug rehabilitation center. He wanted her to wait for him. He loved her and was sorry. He wanted forgiveness and vowed to get himself together for them. He wanted children and a home. He needed underwear, some cigarettes, and a few dollars. Marilyn listened intently. Something, she was not sure what, had changed. She did not resist. She did not make any decisions or commitments. She surrendered. She told him she was not ready to see him but she would send what he needed. In total surrender and trust, Marilyn knew she would know what to do when the time came. Until then, she would stay in peaceful, trusting prayer and surrender.
There are many Black women who do live guided by their thoughts, dreams, visions, and intuitive, introspective knowings.
Yet there are those moments, those situations, when they forget to trust what they know and are maneuvered into fear. In fear, resistance rises. Resistant fear colors and eventually erodes what you know, what you can trust. Without trust, you cannot be sure that what you are doing at any moment is part of your divine plan. You experience weakness. You are on guard. You prepare yourself to do battle with the enemy, the opposition. The battle for which you are preparing is not a physical battle. It is a spiritual one. In order to emerge victoriously, you must have on your spiritual armor.
Nonresistance does not mean you roll over and prepare for physical death. It means that you give up your way, the limited human way, as you ask for and allow yourself to be shown “the way.” Surrender does not mean going along or giving in to demoralization, destruction, or degradation. It means standing up and standing on solid ground, spiritual ground, the ground that does not shake or crack beneath the threat of human undoing. Trusting does not mean you do not fight for what you want. It means you do not struggle, you do not worry. You do not wrestle with “powers and principalities.” You fight, but you do not use physical weapons. You use spiritual weapons. You do not tell people who you are and what you are going to do. You show them. You do not prove to them, compete with them, or challenge them. You let them do whatever they are doing as you move trustfully, knowingly, toward the objective of your heart.
PUT ON YOUR SPIRITUAL ARMOR!
As a Black woman, one of the most powerful instruments of my resistance was my mouth. I always had something to say. I had an opinion about everything and everyone. I was compelled to tell people what I was planning to do, how I was going to do it, and why. Painfully, I learned that talking creates great opposition and great friction. Talking creates energy which when unleashed into the world, fraught with negative emotions and unconscious implications, yields unnecessary challenges and misunderstandings. As you surrender and become more trusting of the spirit within you and the spirit in the universe, you find you have less of a need to tell everyone everything.
Silence is a spiritual weapon of nonresistance. When you are silent, you can hear yourself think. When you are silent, you can hear the great spirit of power speaking in you and through you. When you are silent, you can listen. When you are listening and obediently following your inner authority, the guidance of your spirit, you have no need to fight difference, attack problems, or fight for solutions. When you are obedient, you can move with courage, trusting yourself, knowing the universe is supporting you. In this state of consciousness, you can detach from the outcome and move in peace.
Did you hear the moon come out last night? Did you hear the sun come out this morning? Did you hear the sperm converge with the egg to create the miracle we call life? The most powerful forces in the universe are silent. They do not have opinions. They do not battle opposition. They do not have anything to say about anyone. They rise and set, join and create, bring forth and control the flow of life, silently, without resistance, without hesitation. In silence, we develop the faith to surrender, the wisdom to trust, and the insight to move beyond anything or anyone which could in any way stand in opposition to the divine plan for our lives.
Prayer is a spiritual weapon of nonresistance. You cannot surrender or trust if you cannot pray. When you surrender, you must pray moment to moment. The enemy thoughts and emotions will besiege you. They cannot be seen with the naked eye. No one but you can hear their threats. You cannot outrun them. You cannot slay them with bullets or knives. Prayer is the only way to subdue and conquer the enemy which will rise up from the crevices of your mind and heart when you place yourself in spirit’s hands. When you surrender, you must know how to “pray without ceasing.” As you pray, you fortify your spiritual armor and eliminate the need to spill your life on the battleground.
Gratitude is a spiritual weapon of nonresistance. Whatever you are challenged by, be grateful. There is a lesson to be learned. Millions of Black women did not make it through their lesson. Be grateful you are alive, being given the opportunity to grow, learn, and conquer yourself. The old wisewomen say, “When the praise goes up, the blessings come down!” Be grateful that you have made it through those tight spots you thought you would not make it through. Be grateful there’s a challenging experience upon you now, knowing you are equipped to handle it. When people do not care about you, they leave you alone. When you are loved by them, they want to be in your face. God loves you. God has not left you alone. You are being challenged to grow. Challenged to surrender. Challenged to develop your trusting faith that the presence of God through the spirit in you is in your face as a sustaining power. Be grateful for every little thing in your life.
The most powerful weapon of spiritual warfare and nonresistance is love. Love not only makes the world go around, love will make any unloving thing jump out of your life. Spiritual love is not mental or emotional. It is the ultimate act of surrender and trust. When we “make love,” we remove all of our outer clothing, strip ourselves to the state of our birth, nakedness, close our eyes, and surrender our entire being to another being. You are naked, you cannot run away. Your eyes are closed. You cannot see what is going on. You open your heart and body to receive the life force of another being, without resistance or fear. In this state of humble nakedness and surrender, we seek what we call love.
When we are challenged in life, we must exhibit this same humble surrender we call lovemaking. We must take off the outer garment of pride and ego. We must shut our eyes to the past and the future. We must bring ourselves fully into the moment, allow ourselves to see and feel the naked truth, and then, without judgment or fear, trust ourselves enough to know that whatever is about to take place will be good.
When you can look at people and things squarely, knowing that no matter how negative they may appear they have come to help you grow and learn, you must love them. Love them for what they are bringing you. Love them for what they are taking away from you. Love them because the spirit of life determined that you were worthy of the blessed opportunity to evolve to a higher state of consciousness.
MEDITATION WITH THE MOTHER
—A COURSE IN MIRACLES
“Many are called, few are chosen,” should be, “All are called, few choose to listen.”
You start and stop, start and refuse to complete, because you are not sure. What would it take, daughters, to assure you that you are worthy enough to undertake the task? Capable enough to complete the task? Valuable enough to receive the rewards that completion of the task would bring? You wonder and worry, doubt and fear, because “they” say you cannot, must not, do what has been ordained for you. What would it take, my dearest ones, to make my voice louder than theirs? To make my blessed assurances stronger than “their” weak denials? To bring your heart and mind into direct contact with my perfection for you, when all around you see their destruction of you? It is really very simple. It would take “you” being willing to do the very thing “they” say you cannot do.
This life is such a precious gift. It is a gift that blesses both the giver and the receiver. The One who has given you life is blessed when you use life to its fullest capacity, giving and sharing as you grow through life’s activities. Those who receive that which you do with your life are blessed, for they then become stronger, better able to grow in their lives, using themselves to their full capacity. The gift is not returnable or refundable. It is yours to keep, to do with as you choose. What you choose determines the value of the gift. This gift of life is worth more than doing and not doing, having and not having. Life becomes a valuable event, a worthy gift, when all who have come to partake of it give and receive, share and grow, live and do all they are able to support the living of others.
Do you stop in the middle of opening a gift? Of course not. You proceed with eager anticipation, knowing that whatever you receive is only a symbolic representation of all that is available to you. Do you pile your gifts in the corner, allowing them to lie dormant, unused, fearing the gift is not right for you? No. You do what is honorable. Receive and accept with gratitude, using what you can and distributing the rest to be used by others. If you can find some use for the things “they” give you—sweaters and pots, glasses and boxes—why is it so difficult, challenging, frightening, for you to find ways to put the gift of your life to valuable use?