The Valley of Success
LET’S FACE IT, ALL OF US ARE NOT BORN POOR, DESPERATE, AND DYSFUNCTIONAL. THERE ARE A LARGE NUMBER of Black women born into well-to-do families with many resources. They are raised in a loving, nurturing environment, with many advantages in life. The average person would think these women are born into success. It would appear they have no reason to complain and that they cannot or should not fail. Some of these women go through life and do very well. They are refined, educated, professionally and personally successful. They do not know what it is to want or need any material thing. They marry well and continue the traditions of a well-established family and social lifestyle. A few of these women stumble or fall from grace, throwing away all they have been given. They feel lonely, desperate, crazy, and even worse, unloved and unwanted. They worry and fear more than those who, it would seem, really have things to worry about and be frightened of. However, all so-called successful women, just like the rest of us, at some time or another find themselves in one of the valleys.
Remember, a valley is an experience. It is an experience designed for your growth. It is not a condition of birth. It is not an outgrowth of your economic, social, or political resources. A valley is the result of what we do and do not do to violate nature’s laws and universal principles. Money cannot save you from a valley experience. A good education will not save you from the valley. Having a mother who baked cookies for you and a father who tucked you in at night will not save you when your time comes to grow and learn a spiritual lesson. From a spiritual perspective, success in life, or lack of it, has nothing to do with where you live or where you grew up. Spiritual success, that which the valleys are designed to promote, is the ability to live life with a sense of freedom and peace, doing what makes you feel good, that which is good for you, while you face challenges and obstacles with strength and tenacity, knowing that no matter what happens, you will be just fine. Success, like the valley experiences, is not one-size-fits-all. Success is personal, born of the deepest desires in our heart and our ability to feel good about who and what we are, no matter where we are and what we have at any given time.
I grew up on the lower end of the economic ladder. We had a roof over our heads, food on the table, but I never had the frills and lace that many of my friends had. There were many things I could not do as a child because we could not afford it. In my very family-oriented neighborhood, where most homes had two parents, I watched my friends get dressed in their very nice clothes, go on family trips and outings, and enjoy the many amenities of life that money enables you to enjoy. I hated them! I mean I liked them, but I hated the fact that they were able to do things my family could not afford to do. As I grew into adolescence, I realized all of us had the same problems at the same time! We all worried about our breasts being too big or small. We all agonized over zits, cramps, and the new girl in the class looking at the boy we planned to marry. We all cried when we got dumped or failed a test. We all laughed when the new girl, who stole our boyfriend, slipped down the stairs or tucked her skirt in her panties and came out of the bathroom with her behind exposed. In the things that really mattered, having or not having money did not save you. The zit on the face of a well-to-do girl was just as unsightly as the zit on the face of a girl from the projects.
Where then do we get the idea that money equals success? What is it that allows us to believe that our self-worth is somehow equated to our net worth? Why do we allow ourselves to believe that having things somehow makes us better people? An angry or frightened wealthy Black woman is in just as much spiritual trouble as an ashamed or dishonest poor one. An insecure or envious poor Black woman has just as much to learn as an insecure, irresponsible wealthy one. The keys to the riddles are in two words, spiritual and learning. We have not been taught that success is an outgrowth of our spiritual learning. What we do and how we do it, the way we move through life, is a reflection of our ability to learn from our experiences and grow spiritually. The ability to love, give, do, have, is a direct reflection of what we know and how we feel about it. Knowing and feeling are spiritual functions which you cannot buy, no matter how much money your grandfather left you.
As Black women, our success is very often defined by the world and its standards. If we get a good job, a good husband, a nice house, and nice clothes, we are told to consider ourselves lucky and successful. Once again, appearances can fool people. No one cares if you are miserable on the job, cannot stand your husband, really want to live in a condo, and buy all your clothes at the Salvation Army. The even sadder part of the appearance-of-success scenario is that when we have the things, we too think we have found success. We have all the “things” that represent success, but we are miserable inside. Or we have everything, but we still feel like a failure. That is the real killer.
When I graduated from college, I was thirty-three years old. I graduated summa cum laude, with a 4.0 grade point average. I was president of the student government. I had completed my undergraduate degree in three and a half years. I had started school while I was receiving public assistance, and by the time I completed it, I was working full-time and raising my three children. Anyone in her right mind would have been pounding on her chest and strutting around like a peacock. I was miserable! First of all, after growing up in an environment where I was always told how stupid I was, I did not understand the magnitude of my accomplishment. Secondly, with the exception of my children, who had no choice, none of my family showed up at my graduation. Not my father, my brother, my grandmother—my mom was excused because she was critically ill—none of the people I thought should be proud of me bothered to show their face. I was crushed.
By the time I graduated from law school four years later, my mom and dad had passed, I had lost track of my brother, and I had just ended a four-year relationship. It was a disaster. I moped around, feeling sorry for myself, refusing to celebrate my success or myself. My close friends were happy for me and proud of me. They saw the pain in my eyes and really tried to make me feel better. Of course it was one of my sassy-mouthed friends who said just what I needed to hear to snap me back to reality: “If you let other people steal the joy from your success, you are going to get ripped off all your life!” That’s when it hit me: I had not done any of it for myself; I had done it to make a better life for my children, to prove myself to my family, to prove myself to the world. When none of the folks who mattered to me responded the way I thought they should, I felt like a failure. In the middle of my success, I still felt like a failure!
When we do things for the sake of other people, we usually end up not feeling good about ourselves. When your success is measured by how someone else will respond, you never know what to expect. Remember, expectations equal results! When we do things to prove ourselves to others, we will never be able to produce enough evidence to successfully prove our case—the case that we are good, worthy, deserving of their love and recognition. If we have to prove ourselves to them, we probably do not need what they have to give. When we measure ourselves by the standards the world sets for us, there is a good chance we will never measure up. Success is relative. It means different things to different people. For my family, whose daily struggle was to find a meal and pay the rent, a college degree meant nothing. As far as they could see, I had wasted a lot of money to go to school and probably would still never be rich. When you only know lack, money equals success. I did not know it at the time, but money cannot buy success, nor will it make you feel successful.
We must begin from a position of success. We must know what it is we want, why it is important to us, and what we are willing to do to get it. We must set our own standards and live up to them. We must realize that whatever we do in this life is icing on the cake because we are born in a position of success. The motivational speaker Les Brown reminded me of this when he said, “You beat fourteen million other sperm to get here. What makes you think you are not a success?” Yet there are a large number of Black women who really do believe they are failures.
Barbara, like many of us, grew up among lack and restriction. In other words, she was poor. Her family had always been poor. Of course her parents wanted the best for her, but they never seemed quite able to make ends meet. They were always being put out, living with relatives, sleeping three and four to a bed and sometimes on the floor in somebody’s house. There was always some crisis around money and the lack of it. Barbara grew up in an environment in which people believed that money would solve all your problems. They were never quite specific about whose money would solve the problem. They just assumed somebody’s would.
Out of four children, Barbara was the only one who made it through high school and college. When she was promoted to a middle-management position at the age of twenty-three, she moved out on her own, away from her family. It didn’t matter. Two or three times a week, Barbara would get a call from a parent or a sibling in financial crisis. They always expected her to bail them out of their trouble, and she usually did. On those rare occasions when she had the courage to make an excuse not to, she would be berated about being “uppity and too good” for her family. Eventually she began to believe that she could not be successful if her family was still suffering. She felt guilty and kept asking herself, “Why me? Why should I have all this good?” The harder she worked, the more she earned, and the more they needed and wanted. It continued for years, even after she got married and had children of her own. Somebody always needed something and expected Barbara to provide it. Because she had internalized what her family told her and felt guilty about her own good fortune, Barbara could not feel good about what she had made of her own life. She was definitely in the valley.
We do not owe what we make of our lives to anyone. Nor do we owe what we make in life to anyone. Of course we want to help our family and friends, who supported, nurtured, and loved us through our ups and downs. However, we must realize, we do not owe them! We get confused because we all have a need to belong and be loved. If it appears that the loving acceptance we need and want is being denied, we are ready and willing to do whatever is necessary to obtain it. For some of us, this means trying to buy our place in the hearts of people who matter to us. We give because we are afraid people will stop loving us if we do not.
We must share and give because we want to, not because we have to. It was an honor for me to bring my first paycheck home and give my mother money. It was as though I were saying to her, “Look, all your hard work paid off!” She never asked me for anything. I gave willingly when I had it to give. On the other hand, I am aware of mothers, fathers, brothers, third cousins, and their neighbors who actually believe they have a right to what you have because they know you. Maybe they changed your diaper once or twice. These people have no shame about reminding you what they have done for you. If you have bought into the guilt they lay on you or if you have an unresolved need to be needed, you will turn over your entire paycheck in the bat of an eye.
Like Barbara, many Black women lose sight of the success in their lives because of false obligations to other people. Because our situation is a little better, we are led to believe that it is our obligation to pick up, pull up, and lift up others. In today’s world, most of us are two paychecks away from homeless. We can only do so much and whatever we do must be done with a clear conscience. What we owe our family is to be happy. In our happiness we teach them there is another way of living. Particularly in the case of multigenerational poverty, who is going to lead the way out? Supporting someone to stay in a position of lack and limitation may not be the best way. Someone has to say, “Enough already! There is a better way!”
You can best show people how happy you are by what you do, enjoying your life and all in it! It is up to each individual to find his own way out of whatever is holding him back. You can assist and support. You cannot do the work for him because you have the means. People must make their own choices. If your family lives in the projects and you are fortunate enough to move to the other side of town, it is not your obligation to pay their rent. On the other hand, if you are a millionaire and your family lives in a rat-infested tenement, you may want to buy the building and renovate it. Whatever you do, make sure there is a commitment in your heart. Never do anything simply because someone says you must.
Carol’s parents were both doctors. Yes, they were both Black doctors. They both taught on the university level. Carol knew at the age of seven that she would be a doctor and teach at some prestigious university. That is not what she wanted to do, but she knew better than to say anything about it. Carol went to the best schools and colleges. At age twenty-nine she was a full-fledged doctor, but working in a community health center on the poorest side of town. She loved her work and her patients. She felt that she was making a valuable contribution to life. Her parents went crazy!
Carol’s idea of medicine was to provide quality service at a minimum cost for those least likely to have access to quality care. Her parents, on the other hand, thought medicine was a science, controlled by the elite, whose responsibility it was to give the best possible care to those who could afford the best. They taught because they were scientists who wanted to continue the tradition of class-based health care. They were outraged that Carol would allow them to spend all of their money to educate her so she could throw her life away never getting the recognition she deserved. At least twice a week Carol heard the “Why are you doing this to us” speech. Although she was doing great work at the clinic, she did begin to feel very unappreciated, unworthy, and unsuccessful. Carol was in a ditch.
One of Carol’s patients was a young boy from a Latin country. When his mother brought him into the clinic, he was on the verge of death. Carol discovered he had a rare blood infection. As a result of her conscientious treatment, the boy made a full recovery, spending only a minimum amount of time in the hospital. Carol’s parents were very proud of her, but their pride was overshadowed by their desire to have Carol report the case and her findings to the appropriate journals so she could get the recognition and respect due her. Carol was quite satisfied that her patient had recovered and was doing well. Her father told her she was robbing him of the opportunity to have his daughter recognized. Her mother simply said she was a fool. Carol held on to her position, refused to contact the professional journals, and eventually cut off all contact with her parents. They did not speak for two and a half years. Carol’s mother broke down first. Her father followed suit. On the sixth anniversary of Carol’s tenure at the community health center, her parents donated enough money to have the entire building painted.
There is a principle of the Kwanzaa, an African-American holiday called Kujicbugalia, self-determination. This is a critical element of success which no one can determine for you. There will be times when people think they know what you should do to make your success. At other times they will want you to do things which will bolster their success. At all times you must do what you can do to live up to the standards of success you have set for yourself. What is important to you? Success is not always fame and fortune. For some of us, it may simply be the knowledge that we did our best. When we do our best, when we give what we have, we feel good. For some of us, that good feeling can be enough.
We do not always need other people heaping accolades upon us to make what we do meaningful. Sarah Vaughan said, “I am not a special person. I am a regular person who does special things.” If, according to your standards, there is more you can do to make yourself feel good, then by all means do it. If, however, you have done the best you can do, in the best way possible, accept the success you feel in your heart and let it be enough. No amount of money in the world would have saved that little boy. Carol being there, being used as a tool, was divine order. She could have listened to her parents, taken a teaching position at the university, and moved her office to a better part of town. My guess is that not only would she have been miserable, but eventually she would have wound up in a place she did not want to be, a valley.
Lydia’s mother was a praying, churchgoing woman. Her father, a strict disciplinarian, thought church was someplace you went when there was nothing good on television, but he supported his wife in going and taking their children.
Lydia, along with her five brothers and sisters, grew up in the church. At the earliest possible opportunity, they all ran to escape their father’s sternness, Sunday school, and all that went along with being the child of a church mother. Most of them made out pretty well. They all married. Had children. And eventually, took their families back to the church. Lydia was the only one who went astray. At the age of nineteen, she became involved in the drug culture. She stayed that way for more than twelve years.
Lydia’s father told her she was the scum of the earth. It got to the point where he would not allow her in or near the family home. Her mother, being a dutiful wife, obeyed his wishes. She would meet Lydia on the corner, give her a few dollars, and remind her to pray. If Lydia’s father saw her in the street or around the house, he would either mercilessly berate her or totally ignore her. The situation was tearing the family apart. Her sisters pleaded with Lydia to get herself together, her brothers argued with her father about the way he treated her, and her mother kept praying, trying to hold it all together.
Lydia developed a critical illness and was not given long to live. All of the family rallied around her. All except her father. Lydia spent what she thought were her last days asking for forgiveness, beating up on herself for being a failure, apologizing to her mother, and begging to see her father. Her mother kept praying and making excuses for her husband. One of the church mothers suggested that they hold a special prayer service for Lydia. They called on pastors and mothers from the neighboring churches to come in and hold the vigil. Lydia’s mother had just taken her seat in the first pew, with her children seated dutifully at her side, and the service was just about to start, when spirit urged her to turn around. When she did, she saw her husband of thirty-three years walking up the aisle. He sat down next to her and held her hand. Lydia is still alive, actually doing very well. She and her parents go to church together every Sunday.
Who is to say that Lydia failed in her life? Who is to say that she was not where she was divinely ordained to be, doing what she came to life to do? Success is a process of evolutionary unfolding. There are many levels to the process, some of which make absolutely no sense to us. Little by little we become that which we are meant to be. Step by step, we move through the divine process of our spiritual mission. Don’t forget we have lessons to learn along the way. Life is a learning process in which we teach, learn, and sometimes serve as the object by which something else is taught. In all cases, under all situations, we must be patient with our learning process, patient as we learn our lessons, remembering success has many faces but no age limit.
It is such a rip-off when we choose looking successful over the key to real success, learning spiritual lessons. We rip ourselves off when we get caught up in what we think things should look like and what we should be doing or having. Some of us take the high road, others cannot find a road to take. The key is knowing that as long as you are alive, you are on the road to becoming that which you choose to be. If you truly want to find success in your life, give up every idea of what you think the outcome will be. We cannot see everything! We may be looking in one direction while our blessings are coming from another. When we give up our ideas of what success should be, we open our hearts and minds to greater possibilities. When we do the best we can, where we are, with what we have, taking our lessons in stride, the universe promises us that it will pay off. Lydia wanted her father’s love and attention. She took herself through the valley to get it. In the end, Lydia got exactly what she wanted and succeeded in doing what her mother had not been able to do for thirty-three years. She brought her father to God. Is that success or what?
When Rebecca got laid off, she thought her world had come to an end. She had put all of her time and energy into moving up the corporate ladder. Hard economic times and bad timing let her know her efforts had not paid off. Having been on her own since the age of thirteen, Rebecca thought that to be without a job was to have no meaning. She felt worthless and useless. She forced herself to go to the unemployment office. She hated herself each time she cashed her check. She desperately looked for a job everywhere, every day. She was just about to give up on herself when she saw a way out of her darkness.
She answered an advertisement requesting a telephone counselor for a local hotline. By the time she got there, the position had been filled. The woman who interviewed her asked if she would be willing to volunteer a few hours a day. The woman told her it was a sure bet that she would be offered a position as soon as it opened up if she were a volunteer. Besides that, volunteering would give her something to do with her time other than feeling bad about not working. Rebecca listened and accepted the woman’s offer.
By her third month as a volunteer, Rebecca was about to give up hope when one of the staff members announced she would be moving to another city in a few weeks. Rebecca decided to try to stick it out. The work wasn’t really that bad. She actually got three or four real crisis calls a day. The rest were lonely people who needed someone to talk to. In the interim, Rebecca beat up on herself, reinforcing her feelings of worthlessness for being unemployed. She was having a particularly bad day when she got the call that turned her mind and her life around.
A woman in the hospital had just been told by a team of ten doctors that the cancer which had invaded her body was fatal. They wanted her to know there was very little hope for her survival. In the middle of their medical report, she had picked up the telephone and called the hotline. Rebecca answered. As the doctors talked to the woman, she talked to Rebecca. Rebecca was able to keep her calm and give her hope. After the doctors left the room, she and Rebecca stayed on the telephone for four hours. The woman was a widow whose only son had died in a car accident. In addition to being ill, she was very lonely. Rebecca and her caller talked, laughed, and cried together. At various intervals, they prayed together. Rebecca finally asked the woman if she wanted to live. Of course! She was only fifty-six years old. There were still a few things she wanted to do. Rebecca told her that if she wanted to live, she would — no matter what the doctors had told her.
Against all policies, they exchanged numbers. They continued to talk for the next several weeks. When the woman went home, she called Rebecca. When she was able to hold solid food on her stomach, they went to lunch together. Eventually, she and Rebecca joined the same church. Rebecca did get the job. The woman did live. At every opportunity she tells Rebecca what a blessing it was for her that she answered the telephone. Rebecca tries to convince the woman that she is wrong. Explaining that she never wanted to be there and stayed only because she was unemployed, Rebecca refuses to take the credit for the woman’s own will to live. Still, the woman has tried for years to convince Rebecca of the value in what she did. It is a value Rebecca still cannot see.
If you are in the valley, it is hard to see the good in what you do. If you measure your success by what you have, you will never see the good in what you do. Almost every Black woman I know thinks she should be someplace other than where she is. When things are not going according to our plans, we throw ourselves into the dungeon of despair and self-abasement. On the road to successful living and learning, we must realize, we are always exactly where we are supposed to be! When we hold on to desired outcomes and limited expectations, we lose sight of the value we have to offer just being alive. Rebecca’s situation is a clear-cut case of how being on purpose brings you to the realization of success.
We must be clear about why we are here on the planet and about our mission in life. When we are clear and on purpose, we are more willing to take the ups and downs as we move toward our ultimate destination, which is not always a good job with a good salary. From a spiritual perspective, our ultimate destination in this life is peace of mind and the realization that we are on a spiritual mission. That mission is our purpose. When we have no idea what our purpose is, or whether or not we are living it, we tend to get mad, feel worthless, judge ourselves, and hold resentments about whatever experience we are having at any given time. However, when we are open and always prepared to receive the best, when we least expect it, our purpose will become clear as it emerges from the most unlikely situations.
Do what you can do. Do it to the best of your ability. Never doubt that what you are doing is right for you at the time you are doing it. Do not judge yourself. Always look for the blessing in every experience, even if that blessing falls on someone else. So many of us fall into the valley because we give up just before we make it. Always remember, don’t give up five minutes before the miracle occurs. There is always something that will make everything worthwhile.
The meaning of the name Dolores is, “to suffer.” That is exactly what she did. Dolores suffered most of her life because she believed she could not have what she wanted. She had been on her job for twelve years, never being promoted. She talked to friends about it but she never asked her employer why. She realized that with her experience, she could probably get a better-paying position with another firm. Every now and then, she would go on an interview. When she was not hired, she would say, “That’s okay. I didn’t really want the job anyway.” When she went to lunch with her friends from work, she would always give up the last salad or the last piece of pie: “No, that’s okay, you take it, I’ll have something else.” It may all sound perfectly normal, but Dolores, she was suffering inside.
Dolores knew her husband was running around and she never said a word. She wanted her younger brother to move out of her house, but she felt bad about putting him out. Whenever her mother, sister, or friends called with a personal request to be driven somewhere or have something picked up, Dolores would stop whatever she was doing to accommodate them. “Sure, I’ll do it. That is much more important than what I’m doing.” Then she would complain about people using her and taking advantage of her kind nature.
Dolores was also an excellent seamstress. Sewing was her personal form of therapy which she used to make extra money. She would accept orders from people. Spend days, sometimes weeks, preparing a garment. When the person came to pick it up and pay for her work, Dolores would say, “Oh, just give me what you think it’s worth.” If you make someone a satin gown and hand-sew over a thousand beads onto it, it is worth more than a hundred dollars. But because she didn’t ask for more, she didn’t get more. When the woman left with the gown, Dolores cried. She felt totally ripped off. When the woman referred several of her friends to have clothing made, Dolores repeated the process of not asking, crying, and feeling as if her work was not being valued.
Dolores was a Special Ed student. She was stuck in a pattern and could not see her way out. No matter what anyone did or said to her, she would not open her mouth. She accepted her husband’s infidelity, her brother’s loafing, her family and friends’ constant encroachment of her time and resources, and minimum wages for her expert work. She was on a collision course long before she had the accident. The day she actually ran her car into a tree in blinding rain, all of her issues came to a head.
She was blinded in one eye and nearly crippled. She literally had to fight her way back to life and to regain use of almost every part of her body. The same people she had gone out of the way for offered little support and assistance. They were all too busy, and whenever they asked her if she needed or wanted anything, she would respond, “Oh that’s okay. I’m fine.” Why you would ask a blinded, near-crippled person what she needs is beyond me! Her husband did wait until she got home from the hospital before he resumed his relationship with his mistress. Her brother turned out to be the most help.
While Dolores was recovering and adjusting to a visual handicap, her brother kept the house together, did the shopping, and drove her to and from therapy sessions. She had been walking on a cane for only two weeks when he resumed his position on his perch in front of the television and asked her, “what you gonna cook today?” That did it! She went off on him for all the years she had remained silent. Her mother and sister were next. And finally, her husband. When all was said, Dolores locked herself in her room, where she stayed for four days because she was “embarrassed” about the way she had behaved. When she came out of her room, she apologized to everyone and went back to working her way toward health and business as usual.
The most critical error Black women make in our lives and on our quest to find success is not asking for what we need or want. We have allowed our environment and the people in it to convince us that we can have no more than we already have. We do not know how to ask for support or assistance. When we get it, we feel uncomfortable. When people try to assist us, we become fearful, thinking they are trying to “take over.” In response to this fear, we try to do everything ourselves, then complain about being tired and feeling used or manipulated. We allow people to do their number all over us because we do not know how to say, “This is not what I want and I am not accepting it!” Most important of all, the overwhelming majority of Black women do not believe we deserve to be healthy, joyful, peaceful, abundantly wealthy, or loved just because we are who we are.
One of my spiritual teachers once told me, “If you don’t ask for what you need, the need gets bigger.” It is so true! When I need money and I don’t ask for it, the bills become delinquent and the bill collectors become more aggressive. When I don’t ask people to stop encroaching on my time and space, they find more things for me to do with the time I have. When I don’t let people know that what they are doing makes me uncomfortable, unhappy, or insecure, they keep doing it and I feel worse. When I do not let people know I feel upset because of something they have said or done, even when it was innocently done, I feel worse about them and myself. This more than anything else damages our self-esteem and self-worth.
As Black women, we do little things, things we think have no meaning, that actually erode our self-value, self-worth, and self-esteem. We talk down about ourselves. Most Black women are quick to say what they have or have not done, to their own detriment. We hold on to old mistakes and judge ourselves mentally and emotionally unfit. We deny ourselves what we need and want in order to supply others with what they want. Almost every mother I know has walked around in run-over shoes or old clothes because “the children need” something. Then we wonder why we don’t feel pretty, attractive, or lovable. If you do not take care of yourself, treat yourself well, shower yourself with good thoughts and feelings, you will develop the belief that no one else will do it either. Love you first! Nobody does it better! If you want to have success, you must be success. You cannot do either if you do not feel good about the instrument of success: yourself!
Ask for what you want. If you are denied the first time, ask again. There are times when we must ask others. There are times we must ask the universe. I prefer asking in prayer for what I want, and I always ask to be shown the way. More often than not, exactly what I ask for will be brought to me. Someone will give me information, make a suggestion, or offer me the very thing I requested. We do not have to suffer and struggle! We do because we are afraid to ask. When you believe you have a right to the best there is, it comes right to you. When you open yourself to receive, you do receive. Success not only means getting. For some of us, it also means knowing or feeling. For others, it is accomplishing or completing. Whatever success is for you, celebrate your victory every step of the way. Do not ignore the little things you do, accomplish, or complete. Give praise and thanks for everything you receive. Be willing to learn and grow, accepting the lessons and the blessings along the way. Above all else, when you need help, support, information, or guidance, ask for it!
Any experience we have is ultimately for our own good. If we attract unpleasant experiences, it is in response to our most dominant thoughts and habitual behavior patterns. We cannot live beyond our level of thinking and feeling. Wherever we are is a reflection of where we think and feel we should be. This is the Law of Attraction. The basic premise of the law is:
What you give, you get.
We are not talking about what you give someone for her birthday or Christmas. This law deals with what you give the world in thought, word, deed, and most important of all, expectation.
To state this law another way: Whatever we attract, we need to attract, and whatever we attract is for our own good. We must attract what we think in order to be able to see it and do something about it. The state of your life, your home, your car, is a reflection of your mental state. If your thoughts are scattered and confused, your environment will reflect the same. Most of us think homes are messy because people do not pick up after themselves or because they don’t have time to straighten up. This is not true in many cases. The law says, wherever you are, mentally and emotionally, you will be physically. This law, along with the Law of Cause and Effect, has the greatest impact on the realization of success.
Whatever we possess in this life is our reward for what we give to life. If we are not happy with what we have, if what we have is not sufficient to meet our needs, we must find what it is that we are thinking and doing to create the scarcity. If we are thinking we cannot, we will not. If we are speaking of lack, limitation, and obstacles, we will find them at every turn. These things are not imaginary. They are real. They are born in response to the energy we are putting out in life. How many times have you said, “I am broke! I can’t afford it! I don’t have the money!” Most of us speak in these terms. We are so busy being fooled by the physical appearances, what we see and hear, that we do not realize the supply of spiritual goods never runs out! Spirit is abundant and unlimited! If you realize you are spirit, then you know you too are unlimited, no matter what your situation looks like.
I like the Law of Attraction because it forces us to work. It makes us responsible. This law yields us returns in response to our demands upon it. If we don’t ask, we don’t get. If we ask for a little, the law will respond. This law moves us beyond restrictive thinking and dependency on others. It requires that we think plenty, speak plenty and expect plenty. It requires that we give openly, lovingly, and willingly to ourselves and others. It demands that we be specific in our thoughts and that we clearly define our goals and intentions. If we do not have a plan, a goal, a specific request from life, how can life provide us with that which we desire? This law fosters a greater understanding of all the laws and how to apply them to our lives. I believe the Law of Attraction will heal the relationship among Black women by making us conscious that what we do and say to one another will eventually become come a reward, a reality in our own individual lives. This law will also cure us of our attachment to mediocrity.
The Law of Attraction is like the hall monitor. It watches what we do and reports it throughout the universe. This is an important issue because the law gives us what we deserve. It rewards us based on our readiness and willingness to have more. The key is in knowing that we cannot have what we want until we want what we have! We cannot receive more until we are ready for more. If we are angry, bitter, or ungrateful about where we are in life, that is the energy we will give off in the world. When we are complaining, whining, or neglectful of ourselves and our possessions, the law will report it. In response, we receive more to be angry, bitter, or upset over.
If you want a new or better job, give one hundred percent to the job you have, keeping in mind that you will be rewarded. If you are late, absent, or neglectful in your duties, why would the universe reward you with a better, higher-paying position? Love what you have, to get what you love! If you want a new home, a bigger or better one, take care of the home you have. Do not neglect to keep your home clean, neat, and orderly because you lack money. Stop saying, “I hate this house. I don’t want to be here!” Talk like that will get you reported to the house monitor! If you want nice clothes, better friends, a more loving relationship, take care of the ones you already have. Do not complain and whine about what is not right or good. Take care of it! Fix what is not working with honesty, determination, and honor. If you cannot fix it, get rid of it!
If we want success, no matter how we define it as individuals, we must prepare ourselves to receive it by developing a success-filled mind and heart. Peace, love, joy, and gratitude will attract things like themselves to make us more peaceful, loving, joyful, and grateful. We must not accept less than we want, by developing the consciousness that we deserve the best. We must stop squeezing ourselves into uncomfortable and unproductive places and situations because we believe there is nothing else available. As we open new space in our hearts and minds to receive better and have more, we will. Above all else, we must not limit ourselves by defining how our good or success must come. Be open. Be clear. Be ready. And you will be rewarded accordingly.
Why does this chapter look different from all the other chapters? Because success means something different to everyone. There is no one way, process, or method of defining or finding what success is for you. Each of us, as we learn our lessons, in our own way, must define for ourselves what it is we want or need to realize what we define as success. There is, however, one universal aspect of being successful. That is, we must be patient.
I want it now! I want it this way! I want it when I want it! This does not work when you are in search of that thing, that condition, you define as success. Everything takes time. We must learn how to eat the mountain one bite at a time, realizing that bite by bite, we are getting to the core. There will be times when we are on our way, moving with a full head of steam, when all of a sudden—BAM!—we are hit with a setback. It may be devastating. It may just be annoying. Whatever it is, remember: it is good! You need the experience to foster maximum growth and development. Be patient! Do not give up or give in to difficulties.
Be patient with yourself. You do not have to know everything, be everything, do everything, all at once. If your brain is racing, telling you all the things you don’t know, can’t do, should know and be doing, tell your brain to shut up! You are in control! It is up to you to gently and lovingly honor yourself and your progress. A delay is not a denial! Be patient. Be willing to wait until the final outcome before you throw your hands up in despair. Nothing that is yours can be held from you or taken from you. STOP! Breathe! Ask to know the lesson. Move forward with a quiet brain and a trusting heart.
Here it is! This is the killer! The one thing Black women do to derail their success train faster than anything else. We talk too much! Go back to the Valley of Light. Silence is the key to success. Keep your mouth shut about what you want, what you are doing, what you plan to do. We talk so much, spilling the seeds of our success on unfertile ground, and then wondering why nothing is growing in our lives. Success is a birth process. The idea, thought, dream, or goal you have is like an embryo in the womb. That embryo must be nurtured. You must feed it good thoughts. Surround it with a good environment. Nurture and love it.
Keep your ideas in your mind until they are ready to be born. Of course there will be people you will speak to regarding the groundwork you must lay. There will be others you may call upon for assistance and guidance. This is fine. The talking you must avoid is the bragging. I mean getting on the telephone and telling your girlfriend about the dream you have, what you think, how you are going to be rich and famous. This kind of talk aborts the baby in your brain. I am also referring to the “I can’t!,” “I don’t know how!,” “They won’t let me!” kind of talk that poisons the baby in your spiritual body. Everything happens first on the inside before it is revealed on the outside. If you simply must have someone to talk to about what you are doing, talk to yourself! If that doesn’t satisfy your mouth, talk to God.
What is the Valley of Success? It is the experience of realizing what it is that we do that keeps us from getting what we want. How do we fall into the valley? By our thoughts, words, limited expectations, and actions. How do we get out of the valley? If you must have a formula, here it is:
Be willing to start at the bottom!
Feel good about whatever you are doing!
Do not owe your good fortune to anyone!
Set your own standards and live up to them!
Never question the value of what you are doing!
Ask for what you want!
Want what you have!
Expect the best!
Be patient!
Keep your mouth shut!
Now that you have the formula, we can rent out your space in the valley.
MEDITATION WITH THE MOTHER
—ANONYMOUS
Love doesn’t make the world go round, it makes the trip worthwhile!
Dearest daughters, you have come full circle: From being blind, to seeing the light, to being blinded by the light. From being lifeless, to being alive, to giving your life away to things which make you lifeless. From being born of love, to being love, to giving your love to that which cannot return your most precious gift. The circle has become warped. Still you spin, searching to find your place, that place that can make the load lighter on your journey.
My daughters, as long as I am in your heart, you are love! Stop looking! Be! Love is the gift of life. The ease of breath. The unhindered movement of all that supports your life. Love is what you are when you have no material thing to give. Love is what you are when all illusions have faded away. Love is what the Father and I call you in your sleep, even when your spinning leaves you exhausted and deafens you to our call. We will always love you, lift you, hold you up in the light and surround you in the never-ending glow of love.
Take time, daughters. Take time to listen, to hear, and to receive the voice of love. It is the voice waiting to guide you, to nurture you, to bring you to that place of peaceful recognition of the loving light you are in the world. Without love, you will continue to spin and fall, to be blind, deaf, and unaware that life is for loving and loving is for life.
Nothing can replace our divine love. There is no way to fill the void created when you lose sight of the love light the Father and I have placed in your soul. To receive our love does not mean you lose all else. It means all else becomes worthwhile. To remember our love does not mean you forget all else. Our love, divine love, transforms that which you know into a brighter picture. To acknowledge our love does mean there is no need to love all. We love you through others. We love you within yourself. We are all love has to offer you when all else seems meaningless. When you allow the Father and I to love you, you find your way back to the fold, back to the eternal circumference of true living, because our love is the real you.
Give up your lofty and misguided notions. Love is simple. It is peace in the morning. The stillness at night. It is the fragrance of flowers. The strength of trees. The love the Father and I have for you is the endless flow of the river which spills into the richness of the ocean. It is the powerful tides of the ocean which then direct the tides of your life. Our love is the ease of breath. The circulation of all systems. It is the vision of unlimited splendor. Love is unspeakable joy, everlasting grace, total fulfillment, and the reflection of all that you really are in your hearts. Love is what the Father and I have given you, asking nothing in return except that you use your life, in the eternal circle of living, to remind others that we are love.