All the Way out

DO YOU REMEMBER ANN? SHE WAS THE FRIEND WE MET IN “THE ANATOMY OF THE VALLEY.” ANN IS A CLASSIC example of how the Valley of Love places us in all the valleys at once. These are, without a doubt, the most difficult situations to deal with. When we are like Ann, willing to learn, to grow and let go, we can and do survive. Yes, you can be in more than one valley at a time! The key to this type of experience is to talk yourself through it, which is exactly what Ann did. When your back is up against the wall, don’t start swinging! Hopefully, you now realize that swinging from the wall can cause many bumps and bruises. Stop! Breathe! Do not abandon yourself! Be willing to tell the truth and look for the lesson. This is exactly what Ann did and she made it through.

For Ann, it was not the first time she had been in a relationship with a man who had other women. Repeatedly she had promised herself it would never happen again. Each time it did, Ann would accept the stories and promises that it was over. It would be over, for a while. Eventually, however, the same or another woman would surface in the shadows of Ann’s relationship. Ann’s usual response would be to doubt and question herself. She would ask why. Why can’t I satisfy a man? Why can’t I keep a man happy? Why do I always attract men who break my heart? Before she could get the appropriate response, she would move into another, more promising relationship.

Remember the process of enlightenment: detach, discern, enlighten yourself, integrate what you know, evolve to a new level of being. Finally, Ann followed the process. She knew she had to get to the core of the issue. Rather than beat up on herself by asking why, Ann decided she didn’t care why! She was clear that this was not all her stuff. This guy had lied; it was as simple as that! Ann had been completely open and honest with him. Dishonesty was not her issue, it was his. “What is the lesson here?” In order to get a response to that question, Ann had to detach. Her normal pattern would have been to cry, fall apart, and have a long argument, debate, or discussion with the man which probably would have culminated with lovemaking. Then she would have to call all her friends and tell them what had happened (all except the lovemaking part) to elicit support and sympathy for her plight. Not this time! Ann was willing to be alone, to listen and to hear the quiet voice in her own soul. In order to do so, she unplugged the telephone, ran a nice warm bath, and stepped willingly into the Valley of Light.

For the first time, Ann was ready to figure out what had happened. She did not want drama or hysteria. She made a decision to know and accept what she knew. In order to know and fully understand, she had to step back and witness what had gone on in the relationship. Avoiding the need to be right, the fear of being wrong, and the tendency to blame anyone for anything, Ann took a long, hard, honest look at the relationship.

Honestly, she had seen the signs, but she had wanted so much to trust and believe in this man that she ignored what she had seen. Furthermore, when her own instincts challenged her to challenge him, she copped out. She did not want to pressure him. The truth was, she thought she might lose him. Besides that, he lied. When a person lies to you, you are at a disadvantage until the lie is revealed. At that time you must act.

Ann also did something many of us forget to do. She took the time to celebrate her successes along the way. She had taken some bold new steps in this relationship. She had made sure to let her mate know exactly what she expected from the relationship. Her purpose was a serious, committed, long-term relationship. Her intent was marriage. She had also taken great pains not to give him top priority in her life. He had his business to attend to, she had hers. When he broke his word, failed to honor a commitment, or took Ann’s patient nature for granted, she let him know what she was feeling. She did not “hold her tongue” or suffer in silence. She never threatened him or gave him ultimatums, but Ann had let him know what she needed to be comfortable and happy in the relationship. She had, on several occasions, threatened to leave and changed her mind. But that she recognized as fear of failure, of bailing out before the ship goes down. So what is the lesson? Where is the lesson?

In her solitude Ann took the next, most frightening step of all, the step toward enlightenment. She looked at her behavior pattern. What was it that she had done this time that she had done before? What was it that she felt this time that was familiar to her? She knew she had not run to this relationship to get away from another. She also knew she had taken her time, establishing good communication and some degree of trust before there was any intimacy. She had asked and gotten answers to many of the questions she always had. She had also done and continued to do her work on her personal and spiritual growth throughout the relationship. She prayed and the answer came. She had not been obedient to the instructions from her spirit. She had not accepted the “truth” her mate had shown her by his behavior. She had accepted less from him than she wanted and needed. And despite all of her verbal pronouncements to the contrary, somewhere deep in her heart Ann knew she was afraid that this man was not the man life intended for her.

Ann knew he loved her. Not because he told her, but because she could feel it in her soul. This love was not sexual. It was not a mental construct. When she would think about this man, her soul felt at peace. Also, she was not the least bit worried about losing him to another woman. Ann was not willing to say that she did not want him because she did want to build a life with him. She was, however, willing to admit that she accepted him, knowing he was not “quite” on her spiritual level. She thought she could teach him what he needed to know. Ann knew that wasn’t her job. She understood you cannot want for someone that which they do not want for themselves. Ann was positive that this was not about value or worth. She knew she deserved the best in life and was willing to receive it. This was about patience, obedience, courage, wisdom, and surrender, all laced with a little touch of fear. Ann realized that she had one foot in the Valley of Understanding, the other in the Valley of Nonresistance, and her heart in the Valley of Fear. Yes, you can be in more than one valley at the same time.

Without blame, shame, or question, Ann knew she would have to integrate this information into her heart and mind. She began with forgiveness. She had to forgive herself for being disobedient, her mate for being dishonest, and her, the woman who had revealed the truth in such a harsh manner. She also had to surrender. Ann had to surrender the relationship, all of her dreams and desires for it. She had to surrender the man, realizing she might never see him again. She had to surrender her anger toward the woman, her fear of being alone, and the overwhelming urge to find an answer that was easier to live with. All of this meant Ann would have to trust in the process of life by having faith that the final outcome of this situation would be the best for all concerned.

Did she feel bad? Yes. Did she cry? Yes. What she did not do was shut down her heart and mind to the truth. Did she call him? Yes. Did she accept his apology? Yes. What she did not do was deny what she knew to be true for herself by trying to convince him that he should give up the other woman for her. Ann had plans, so she carried on with them. She accepted the situation as it was and decided it had no place in her life. At the writing of this book, Ann and her male friend were still speaking. They had seen each other twice; once sexually, once not. He had not moved his clothes out of the other woman’s apartment and she still worked for him. Ann was waiting for further instructions from her own spirit.

We can do this! Each of us has the power to do whatever it takes to make it through our challenges in life. People neglect to tell us we can do this, and we panic before we get the chance to tell ourselves, “I CAN DO THIS!” The valleys were not designed to hurt us. They are in fact a blessing in disguise! They stop us from making deadly mistakes. They force us to look at ourselves at the most opportune moments, the moments when we really don’t know what else to do. I guarantee you that if you follow the road map in and out of the valleys, if you practice and have faith in the learning process of life, you will find yourself growing stronger, clearer, more willing to grow with each valley experience you encounter.

The examples which have been presented here are to help you understand there will always be valleys in our lives! No one is out to get you. No one is picking on you. Above all else, you must know by now that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. As we live, we must grow. As we grow, the valleys become harder to recognize. They require a bit more work to get out of. Your way out is to know what it is you need to work on—what is your issue? You must also be able to practice whatever virtue you know you are lacking at the time of the experience. The lessons and virtues are your tools. You must also know the life lessons like the back of your hand. Know when you need to exercise your freedom, speak your truth, challenge a fear, or be patient. When you know what you need, you will recognize the valley for what it is, a lesson designed for your own good and growth.

There will be times when you are faced with a situation and you will not be sure it is a valley. When in doubt, pray. Act as if it is a valley. Follow the process and look for the lesson. Don’t make the fatal mistake of always trying to identify your valley exactly. If you think you are in one, take the first name that comes to mind and practice the corresponding virtue, look for the corresponding lesson. Anything at all will help if you don’t know what to do. Don’t let yourself get tripped out about trying to do this process right. Do what your heart tells you to do and trust that you will be fine. If you trust yourself enough to know you can feel bad and recover, you will do just that. If you remember to laugh in the bad times knowing that some good must come out of them, you will see the good. Most of all, you must remember that you have the strength, courage, power, and divine right to change the course of your life to any direction you choose. As my dear friend Patricia Russell-McCloud always asks, If not you, who? If not now, when? YOU CAN DO IT!

JEREMIAH 29:13

You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.