The View From Up Here

Carly Holmes

I’ve got your hand, you can’t break loose, so don’t even bother trying. Just relax and enjoy the ride. Sorry to disappoint but we’re going up, not down. Up through the clouds. See how wet they are, and feel how soft. If I dropped you now you’d plunge straight through, straight down, and arrive on earth soaked to the skin and worse. But I’ve got your hand, I won’t let you fall.

Here’s where I spin. It’s going to make you queasy but it helps with the moving between this week and last, and it’s last week that we have to get to. I just need to show you something then I’ll leave you alone. Pop you right back on your cliff-top perch with all still ahead of you. Hang on tight. Unless of course you really are determined to end it all and then letting go will be easy.

Not that tight! That’s better. Now, if I’m right we should be at last Thursday. Let’s go over the edge and see what we find. Shall I speed this up? Give you an idea what it feels like to drop towards the rocks like a dislodged gull egg and no going back?

You can open your eyes now. We’re here. Last Thursday. Same cliff, different day. He landed an hour ago and he died twenty minutes later. Not much left of him, is there? It was a long twenty minutes. He’ll be found before the tide comes in; the traffic here, though always one-way, is depressingly regular. Ha! And so the weary men and women whose job it is to scrape him up and reassemble the pieces will be dragged from their homes and their complicated lives. They’ll curse and grumble but they’ll wield their spades with tenderness.

Do you want to know what he was thinking when he jumped? I know what they all think, and it’s generally the same. Why not? Too real for you? Too raw? But this is it. Take another look. When flesh hits a hard surface at tremendous speed, that right there is the result.

Okay, let’s spin forward just a few hours and go east. About twenty miles, give or take. We’ve got to rise above the clouds again though, because I need plenty of room, so up, up, up we go. We don’t want to be banging into the cliff at a hundred revolutions a minute. Though I’d be fine if we did, it’s just you that wouldn’t and that would render this whole exercise pointless.

Now, she’s making this easy for us, running around the garden. All we have to do is hover. So can you guess who she is? Surely it’s obvious? Limbs twitching every which way, mouth stretched thin and wide.

That’s right, mother of the deceased. She’s just been told. Look at her go! What despair! She’ll fall in a moment and that’s when it’ll hit her. The frantic energy gone and just the pain left. Ouch. There, told you! Over she goes. Someone will come soon and pick her up and take her indoors. Then she’ll be placid and hollow. Just a doll with the insides all gone. Do you think she’ll ever get them back? My mother hasn’t got her insides back yet and it’s been a few years since I took them away from her. I visit her occasionally but it does strange things to my form, cold spots and hard spots and things going off kilter. Too much emotional energy. I’m not supposed to have substance, being a ghost, but with her I can feel the old human frame pushing to break through, trying to stiffen my arms to reach out to her. If I stick around for too long I think there’s a danger she’ll see me, or see what I once was, so I only pop in and out occasionally, and never on the big dates. You know…the anniversaries and suchlike.

Don’t worry, just a couple more stops then I’ll take you back. I just want you to think things through a bit more. A bit more than I did anyway. A bit more than he did. Not much to ask really, once you’ve seen the horror movie that keeps on playing for other people after your credits have rolled. Right, back up again, but we can stay below the clouds this time because we’re only crossing miles, not time. Have to get above the electricity wires, though, or we’ll short-circuit the whole area. I made that mistake once and had to leave the woman I was with, she was in the same frame of mind as you, tangled in the wires forty feet above the ground. Fried to a crisp. Now that had everyone puzzling, I can tell you. The conspiracy theorists had a field day!

This scene lacks the dramatic impact of the last, I know, but take note anyway. It’s going to be more difficult to see because I can’t touch the ground. Did I tell you that? I’m no longer of this earth and so I’m condemned never to be united with it. I’ve tried dive bombing it and creeping up on it but as soon as I get within a handful of inches I’m pinged back into the air like a cork from a bottle. You don’t realise how much you miss making mud pies until you’re deprived of them forever.

So, we’ll just hang around here and look through the window. I won’t tell you who this one is, it’ll spoil the ending, but look at her face. See the anxiety scratched there. Eyes constantly seeking the clock, watching the seconds twitch forwards. Tick-tock, tick-tock. She’s waiting, and she’s worrying, and the only thing that’s stopping her from going out and looking is the babe in the next room.

Seen enough? Then up we go again, and forward a couple of hours, and back to the grieving mother. I like the way you winced then, you’re less like me already. That’s good.

So behold the bereaved, rocking in her chair. The telephone keeps ringing, the front door keeps opening, people keep talking to her, trying to reach her, but she can’t hear them. Memories louder than words. Don’t turn your face away, that’s cheating. I’ll just keep talking anyway.

The front door opens again, and in he walks! That got your attention! She doesn’t raise her head at first, she doesn’t focus, but then she sees, and she hears the gasps around her, and she starts to walk towards him with her hands up in front of her face. He must be real because they all see him too. A dead man walking! A tumble of snapped bones and bloodied flesh put back together and made live again. How can that be? He’s bruised and confused. He opens his mouth to ask something and then she’s on him and he’s driven backwards by the force of her body and her joy.

Are you looking? Heart-warming, isn’t it? Imagine getting the chance to regain the one you’ve lost. Imagine that. And now in pile the relatives and the friends and the gruesome spectators. We’ll pull away now, I don’t want you to piece the puzzle together yet, and arrive at the ending before you’ve actually arrived at the ending.

And back to the clouds. Shall we dance for a while? I spend hours on the clouds above the cliff, our cliff, just dancing and grooving. It does tend to distract me from my task, though, and a fair few with intentions like yours slip past me and over the edge. He, the dead man, was one I was aware of and had to let go, though I wanted to intervene. I always want to intervene, once they’ve got my attention. But his was a cautionary tale too perfect, all the twists and turns and drama.

You’ve sure got some moves! Show me that jive again. I love it! Let’s go from the top just one more time, then I’ll spin us to the last couple of tableaux and get out of your hair. I’m sure you’re sick of me by now.

Do you recognise this street? Are you okay? Lie back and breathe deeply. You’ll be fine. So, we’re several hours before ‘The Return of the Prodigal Son’, now, and his day hasn’t even started yet. Here he is, he’s just cut down that alleyway and he’s in a rush. In slips a man behind him. Let’s get closer and see what happens.

Ooh! Bet that hurt! And he’s down like a sack of spuds. He’ll have a lump there the size of an egg, tomorrow. Away with his wallet and his briefcase. Even his jacket! But at least the thief has left him his shoes. We’ll leave the Prodigal Son to his dreams, we know he’s going to be okay because we saw him this very evening. Well, this very evening last Thursday. If you see what I mean? I’m getting my tenses confused but I’m sure you see what I mean.

So we’ll stick with the thief. He doesn’t look happy does he? The jacket’s a perfect fit, though, that should cheer him up. And into the pocket the wallet goes. A pivotal moment. Shall I spin us back a few seconds and replay that? Are you getting how this is going to end yet?

In and out of the shop, and what’s that? Looks like whisky to me. He’s a thirsty one! And he’s left the briefcase open on the street. Litter bug! Oops, nearly dropped you there, sorry. Let me hold you a bit tighter and get us above the houses. Yes, and the pylons! You know where we’re going, don’t you? I want to reach there first. Let him catch us up when he’s good and ready.

Ah, smell that sea breeze! I love the view from up here, which is lucky because I’ll be spending eternity taking it in. And here he comes, right on cue. Let’s shift over a bit, make room for him. He wants to look over the edge for a while and test his resolve. It’s a long way down and no way back up. Is he as desperate as you, do you think? As determined? Or is he just indulging a moment of petty cut-off-my-nose-to-spite-my-face? It never fails to amaze me how casually some people will extinguish their own light, particularly when they’ve had a couple of snifters. He’ll need some time though, so we’ll give him that. We’ve all been here after all.

I think he’s ready to go! Hang onto me, I’m going over with him. I love this bit, when we plummet together face to face. Isn’t this great? I can almost feel my once-stomach flipping upside down. Stop screaming! It’ll be the last ride you ever take, so why not enjoy it? Just look at him. You don’t have to be a ghost to tell what he’s thinking right now. Bit late though, isn’t it?

Okay, this may jolt a bit, but I’ll do my best to slow us down before the dreaded ping throws us back up again.

Woohoo, that was fun! Can we do it again? Oh, you forgot that I can’t touch the ground! Did you think you were done for? Take a look at him before we spin out of here. The wallet lying on his chest like a badge of honour. He’s still alive, just. Go on, take another look. No? All right, up, up, up we go, and then the final spin back to now, and I’ll leave you be. No harm done. Not to you anyway. Not yet.

I’ve had an idea! Why don’t we spin forward a few more hours and see how the girlfriend takes the news, once they’ve sorted out the mix-up with the identities? You forgot about her, didn’t you? But she’s still out there, watching the clock and hoping and getting ready to fling her arms around her man. She won’t get a chance to have her insides back. Are you sure? Shame.

Well, here we are, back at the beginning. I’m sure you were nearer the edge when I put you down. So are you going to jump? Go on, I’m dying, ha ha, to hear what you’ve decided.

Good man! So many ripples, and so much pain, and that’s without counting yours. Believe me, what you saw down there hurts like a bastard. Go home now and give her a kiss from me. Whoever she is, whoever’s in your life who needs her insides to stay right where they are, give her a kiss from me. I do miss the kissing.

Do you want to know another thing? I’m going to miss you. I really enjoyed the company and the larking around. I was hoping that we’d have an eternity of hanging out together.

So if you ever change your mind, I’ll still be here. I’m not going anywhere.