THERE WAS SOMETHING different about kissing a woman he was in love with. Something familiar, as if he’d found a missing part of himself, yet with an element of danger attached. He was used to living life on the edge but for once he was actually afraid of what was going to happen to him at the end of this. There was no stopping this now when the momentum was carrying him ever forward into new territory, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to get hurt somewhere along the line.
There were reasons he didn’t get close to people and falling in love was probably the worst thing he could’ve done. It made him weak, susceptible to more heartache. Before going to the army he’d been too young to get serious with a girl, too single-minded about his career. After his retirement the layers of guilt and self-pity had been too dense for anyone to fight through them to reach his heart. Somehow Emily had found a path straight to that vulnerable spot and it was too late to plug that hole in his defences now.
He’d spent too long running from any form of affection, pre-empting the possibility when there was a chance he’d have his insides ripped apart again. The woman he loved was giving herself to him and now there was nowhere left to run. No reason to run. Any other man wouldn’t think twice about letting this play out and enjoy this experience, instead of fearing it. He wanted to be that man, for himself and for Emily, and listen to his heart instead of his head for once. They both deserved a bit of honesty in their feelings for each other, even if they couldn’t find the words to express it. He would deal with the consequences later. They couldn’t be any more painful than ending this here and not knowing what they could’ve had. Even for the briefest time.
He could feel goosebumps on her skin under his fingers; the hard points of her nipples pressing against his chest. There was no denying she was as turned on as he was but she was still tense. It was his job, his pleasure to help her relax and enjoy this time with him.
He already knew how responsive she was to his touch so he cupped her breast in his hand and rolled her tight nipple between his finger and thumb. Her gasp of pleasure strengthened his resolve, and his erection. Soon they’d be so consumed with need and lust that nothing else would matter except coming together, and that’s exactly how he wanted it.
He wrapped his lips around that sensitive pink nub, teased her with the tip of his tongue to claim his breathy reward. She clung to his shoulders, her nails digging further into his skin with every lap of his tongue. The sharp pain was worth it to see the ecstasy on her face and feel the tension leave her body. It was addictive.
He slid his hand down between her legs and into her wet heat. She was ready for him, her body trembling from need now with every stroke.
‘What about protection?’ Emily gasped as he lowered her to the floor.
Joe scrabbled for his shorts and pulled a condom from his pocket.
‘I always carry one. They’re an essential part of a survival kit. You can use them for carrying water and keeping tinder dry.’ He didn’t want her to think sex was nothing special to him, something he took for granted. Tonight it was everything.
‘I think we should probably go down the traditional route and use them as they were intended.’ She giggled and took the packet from him to rip it open.
Joe sheathed himself and settled himself between her thighs, slightly nervous himself now since they’d been building toward this moment for so long. Emily lifted her head and kissed him, bringing him back down to the ground with her. Sliding into her, forging their two bodies together was the most natural thing in the world. Nothing was ever going to come close to replacing this feeling of complete happiness. Part of him didn’t think he deserved it, while another part never wanted it to end.
He moved slowly inside her, each second of her tight heat a gift he intended to treasure.
He loved her. He couldn’t have her. The unfairness of it all drove him to find his peace, every thrust inside her bringing him closer to finding it. She was his sanctuary and he wanted to be hers too. Her body rocked against his, rising and falling in perfect time with him, climbing towards that peak. Every bite of her lip, every moan, every clench and release of her internal muscles charted her journey and Joe wanted to be the one to help her reach that final destination. He braced himself on the cold, hard floor, not caring about anything except watching that bliss play out over her features, and slammed into her again. Emily cried out, clutched him closer and he felt her break apart beneath him. Only then did he give in to his own climax, the primal roar of his release echoing around the walls.
There was a lump in his throat as he looked down at Emily, so beautifully serene beneath him. If he were a different person, in a different life, they could’ve had this every day. Instead, all they had was until the end of this storm. For both their sakes there was no choice but to let his love die with the embers of the fire. Forever wasn’t an option.
Emily lay quietly while Joe spooned in behind her, afraid to speak in case she burst into tears and ruined the mood. This was a monumental moment for her, though she hadn’t realised until just now. She had finally moved on from Greg, from her marriage, in the most spectacular fashion—by giving herself completely to someone else. She’d held nothing back here with Joe and perhaps for the first time in her life had truly been at peace, with herself, with him and with what they were doing. Hidden away here, they no longer had to be concerned about outside influences. For this snapshot in time they were able to be true to themselves and each other. When insecurities and obstacles were stripped away they were simply two people who had a very special connection. One that had sparked to life and delivered more than she’d ever dreamed of.
This had been more than sex, even though that was all it ever could be. It didn’t matter how great they were together or how they felt about each other because it wasn’t going to last. This was probably the last time she would ever feel complete happiness because when this was over she’d have to return to her world of playing it safe. It was the only way she could survive.
Joe snuggled into her neck, his warmth reminding her he was still hers for now. She closed her eyes and clung to the thick forearm wrapped around her waist. It wouldn’t do any harm to let the fantasy go on a little longer. After all, she was good at this pretending lark.
* * *
Emily was jolted from a peaceful slumber by a shout and Joe thrashing on the ground beside her. He tossed and turned, mumbling incoherently as he battled some unknown force in his sleep. She couldn’t see his face as it was dark outside and the fire barely more than a glow. It was chilly now they didn’t have the heat of passion keeping them warm.
She pulled on her now dry clothes and knelt to add more kindling to the fire. A smile played on her lips as she hugged her knees, watching the embers catch and resurrect the flames. It was representative of what Joe had done for her—taking her dying heart and sparking it back to life. She knew he felt it too, and she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t hoping they could do this again. Okay, a long-term relationship might not be viable, given his lifestyle, but he was a traveller and there was no reason he couldn’t add England to his list of places to visit. Right now hooking up a couple of times a year seemed preferable to never having this again.
Another flash of lightning illuminated the cave, the crack of thunder ripping through the air after it. Joe was sitting upright, naked, panting and sweating. He was staring off into the distance almost in a trance, his face a mask of utter terror. This was more than a nightmare, he was living this horror right here and now. She moved slowly to his side and rested her hand on his arm, his skin clammy beneath her touch.
‘Joe? It’s all right. You’re here with me.’ She tried not to spook him but gently coax him back into the present.
He turned his head slowly towards her but he wasn’t really focusing.
‘It’s me, Emily.’ She took a risk by pressing her lips to his. In his current agitated state there was a possibility he’d lash out but she hoped the bond they had was special enough to bring him back to her.
It took a few seconds but he did finally respond, kissing her with a hunger that could only come from the Joe she knew.
‘How come you’re dressed?’ he asked, apparently now wide awake and aware of his surroundings.
‘It got cold and look how late it is.’ She handed him his own clothes, pity though it was to have him cover up.
‘I guess we’re here for the night.’
The storm had struck again and Emily saw him flinch, the sight and sounds clearly part of whatever was bothering him.
‘That was some bad dream you were having. I was getting worried I wouldn’t be able to pull you out of it.’
‘I didn’t hurt you, did I?’ The scowl on his face was more out of concern for her than himself and she guessed this wasn’t the first time it had happened.
‘No. A lot of shouting and tossing and turning but you didn’t lash out.’
‘Good.’ That seemed enough reassurance for him but that sort of sleep disruption shouldn’t be taken lightly. He could do himself serious damage in that trance state in an unfamiliar place, not to mention the exhaustion and lack of concentration that could result from lack of proper sleep—two things that could impair his judgement when it came to treating his own patients.
‘Does it happen a lot?’ It was in her nature to be inquisitive when it came to people’s well-being and Joe was no exception, regardless of his reluctance to talk about it. Doctors often made the worst patients, refusing to accept they were human and fallible just like everyone else.
‘Every now and then.’ He pulled on his T-shirt so she wasn’t able to read his expression. She guessed it happened more than he was prepared to admit since he’d been so quick to move into the clinic on his own.
‘Afghanistan?’ She took a stab in the dark. By all accounts from her parents it had taken Peter some time to readjust after everything he’d witnessed out there, along with medication, counselling and his faith. Things she was pretty sure Joe hadn’t availed himself of since leaving the army. He was too stubborn and tirelessly independent to turn to anyone for help.
‘There are a few things that can take me back there in a heartbeat. The senses get a little messed up after being on high alert for so long. One loud bang, a flash of light and I’m back in that tank, helpless, powerless. The mind can play cruel tricks on you when you least expect it.’
‘But it’s over. I know what happened must’ve been terrible for all of you but that life is in the past. You still have a future.’ With or without her. As long as he was running away from dealing with this he was never going to have the life he deserved—in one place surrounded by people who loved him.
‘Batesy and Ste don’t. I was the medic, the one who was supposed to be there to save them. I failed to do the one thing I was trained to do. It’s my fault they’re not here today with their families. How can I expect anyone to rely on me when I can’t even trust myself to do the right thing? I mean, the chief’s son is lying sick back on Yasi and I’m here, carrying on as if we’re on a dirty weekend away.’ He wasn’t looking at her any more but was staring out at somewhere beyond the ever-changing skies, caught between the past and the present.
Emily knew the rage was directed at himself, fuelled by guilt and grief, but she still took a hit. This was more to her than sex and she certainly would never have intentionally put a patient in jeopardy just to spend some time with Joe. Even if she’d had an inkling of how phenomenal it would be.
‘You were injured, you couldn’t help what happened to your friends. The only ones to blame are those who planted the bomb. You can’t spend the rest of your life afraid of getting close to people in case you let them down. What kind of tribute is that to those who aren’t here any more? Taking risks and experiencing things most of us can only imagine is one thing, but shouldn’t you be embracing all aspects of life? Including love?’ She swallowed hard, catching herself before she blurted out the three words guaranteed to send him running.
Joe was emotionally stripped bare before her, still reeling from his trauma. She didn’t need to add more by revealing her feelings for him. He hadn’t asked her to fall for him or promised her anything in return. It wasn’t fair to expect anything from him now and she knew if she told him she loved him he would feel under pressure to act on it. That’s the type of man he was. One who always wanted to do right by others, even if it cost him peace of mind.
There was no way she wanted to increase his burden now she knew that happy-go-lucky façade was hiding his true pain from the rest of the world. Telling him now would only be for selfish reasons, voicing that small hope he would reciprocate her feelings, while all the while knowing nothing could come of it anyway. He’d spelled out the very reasons he couldn’t be with her, even if by some miracle he thought of her as more than a holiday romance.
Like her, he was damaged goods. She knew how it was to fake a smile when you were crying on the inside and it was good for him to finally be honest about what he was still going through. The day she’d revealed her birthmark to him had lifted the stress of keeping her secret from her. She hoped this breakthrough tonight would do the same for him in some way. It had taken a great deal of trust from him to confide in her as much as he had, and she was privileged she was getting to know the real Joe Braden.
His eyes shimmered in the darkness but he was still refusing to give in to the grief he was obviously suffering. Instead, he ended the conversation by moving in for another kiss. Emily knew he was avoiding further discussion on the subject but she was powerless to resist him when this could be their last opportunity to be together.
They lunged at each other with the urgency of two lovers soon to be separated, possibly for ever.
This time the slow burn of passion was replaced with a fierce need to block out reality and get back to that place of utter contentment as soon as possible when they were both struggling to keep it together. They tore at each other’s clothes in their need for a hit of those feel-good endorphins only hot sex could provide. Clinging to each other as though they were adrift at sea, holding on to one another for survival, they joined together in one frantic thrust. For a moment that was all Emily needed, to know he wanted her, that they were together. Then he was moving inside her, turning her thoughts to more primitive needs and how quickly he could take her back to that pinnacle of utter bliss.
Her mind and body were completely consumed by the frenetic pace of their lovemaking as Joe drove into her again and again, chasing away his own demons. There was a moment when their eyes locked, that connection stronger than ever, knowing they both needed this release to free them from their inner turmoil. They came together, their combined cries drowning out the sound of thunder in the distance.
Emily had never known such pleasure and pain, knowing this was the only time they’d have this freedom together. A true passion she’d probably never experience again.
They lay in each other’s arms, watching the flames dance in the corner of the cave until Joe’s soft snore broke the comfortable silence as he finally seemed to find some peace.
Emily turned on her side and whispered, ‘I love you,’ safe in the knowledge he wouldn’t hear her.
She knew it was the last time she’d ever say it.
* * *
‘It’s time to go.’ Joe was gently shaking her awake but she didn’t want to open her eyes because that meant facing the truth. The dream was over.
He tried again, a little more forcefully this time. ‘We need to get moving before they send a search party out for us.’
She groaned like a truculent teenager forced to get out of bed on a school morning. ‘Do we have to?’
‘Yes.’ He dropped a kiss on her nose.
She supposed food and a warm bed were a good incentive. Plus, if he was brave enough to get that close to her morning breath he must really want to be out of here.
Despite fighting his own demons half the night, Joe clearly hadn’t put thoughts of his patient out of his mind. Now it was daylight and their return was inevitable, Emily’s concern grew too over what might have occurred in their absence. A more in-depth discussion about Joe’s past and his thoughts on a future with her could wait until after they’d checked in with Peter and Miriama.
There was a tad more urgency to her movements now she’d stopped thinking only of herself. She got up but there was no bed to make, no post-coital lazy breakfast together or reason to dilly-dally. Joe kicked some dirt over the fire to make sure it was out and then it was time to leave their little love nest.
They made their way back down to the beach to retrieve the boat from where it had been stashed the night before and pulled it to the edge of the water. The sea was calm today, like flat blue glass for them to slip effortlessly across to Yasi; the sky was as calm as the water. It was almost as if yesterday’s drama had never happened. That wasn’t what she wanted at all. Last night with Joe had been the best night of her life. They’d connected in every way imaginable and she didn’t want to lose that as soon as they stepped off the island. She still had a few days left before she went home and believed that, given time, they could make this something more than a holiday fling. He’d already started to open up to her and she was willing to risk her heart by giving this a shot.
‘What’s wrong? Are you sad to be leaving?’ Joe didn’t seem to understand her attachment to this place, which didn’t bode well for a budding romance.
Sleeping with Joe had marked a new chapter in her life. It had put an end to her marriage once and for all. The divorce papers had made it official, but it hadn’t been until she’d fallen in love with another man that it had become real to her. She would remember this island for ever as the place where she’d become Emily Jackson again, a single woman living her own life, making her own decisions. She kind of hoped it—she—meant as much to Joe.
He was waiting for her to answer and she thought about laughing it off, pretend last night had been nothing more than sex. But she’d spent too much of her life lying about who she was. If he couldn’t handle her feelings, well, she’d simply have to live with the repercussions.
‘I don’t want this to end. Once we go back to Yasi we’re doctors, somebody’s family, somebody’s friend. Here we’re just Emily and Joe, with no expectations from anyone other than ourselves.’ A night with Joe had exceeded any expectations she might have had and given her a taste of something special. It wasn’t something she was in any hurry to abandon in favour of cool reality. Yasi now seemed like the first step back towards her actual life, where there was no hunky man to spoon with her at night and a whole lot more besides.
With his hands on his hips, his gaze cast down at the waves washing in and out on the sand, Joe let out a heavy sigh. For a moment Emily worried he might jump in the boat and sail off into the blue without her. Instead, he splashed along the water’s edge towards her and wrapped his arms around her waist.
‘This won’t end until we’re both ready.’ His words didn’t bring her as much comfort as he probably intended because he was still stamping their relationship with a use-by date. It was going to end, albeit on a different island with more than swaying palm trees to witness her eventual heartbreak. This might be the new Emily but she still had the same old soft heart. Tears burned the back of her eyelids as Joe gave her one last castaway kiss. She doubted she’d ever be ready. No matter how much notice she had, when the end came it was going to come hard and fast. Joe had left a mark on her soul that wasn’t likely to fade any time soon. She knew she’d be thinking of him every time she stepped into the sun.
* * *
Joe’s head was scrambled, his troubling memories of Afghanistan mixed with those of last night and Emily comforting him. Loving him. He’d spent so long battling the nightmares on his own that he didn’t know how to cope with sharing them. Nothing made sense to him any more except kissing her. In some ways he could understand her reluctance to leave. It was easier to stay here wrapped up in each other’s arms and ignore everything else outside this slice of paradise. Except hiding wouldn’t solve anyone’s problems, his least of all.
Even if they chose to push the boat out into the ocean minus its passengers and purposefully strand themselves on this island for ever, it still wouldn’t help him reconcile with his faults, or make him the right man for Emily. If something happened out here she’d be dependent on him and that was too much to contemplate for someone who couldn’t be trusted with that level of responsibility. Someone who didn’t want that level of responsibility again after losing two people he’d loved who were supposedly under his care. Last night, making love to Emily with complete abandon for the first time since leaving the army, had been wonderful but their status couldn’t be any more permanent than his stay on this island. As much as he loved her and had probably been searching for her all his life, his wants and needs would have to come second to hers. She deserved more than him.
‘Ready?’ he said with a forced laugh, making a joke of his last comment before Emily read too much into it. She’d been let down too often. There was no point in leading her on with false promises into believing any of this was real. They had no chance of being together and living happily ever after. That was for heroes, strong men who’d given everything of themselves for others, not those who’d failed in their duty.
‘Okay.’ Her smile was as fake as his attempt at humour but at least she seemed to understand this need to stop lying to themselves. They had to go back and pick up the reins at the clinic again. It was their job, their calling, their reason for being out here, and it wouldn’t do them any good to get too caught up in this fantasy when people depended on them.
As he pushed the boat into the water with Emily on board it was all he could do to jump in beside her, knowing they were sailing towards the end of this romance. The sands of time were shifting ever faster as the sea breeze carried them closer to Yasi and further away from their own personal love island—the only place they could ever truly be together.
When they came ashore on Yasi there was no singing, dancing welcome party to greet them. On the plus side, there wasn’t an angry stepbrother waiting for him with a shotgun either. It was going to be pretty obvious what had happened between them left alone on that island all this time when they’d barely been able to keep their hands off each other in company. Peter had already warned him off hurting Emily and that was another promise he knew he was probably going to break when the thought of leaving was already causing him pain. Although she hadn’t spoken the exact words, her every look, every touch said she loved him as much as he loved her.
They hauled the boat up onto the beach, where it could be retrieved later. Depending on what they were going back to, it might be used for another voyage soon. There was no point in dragging this out and causing more suffering. If all was well back at the clinic and the chief’s house they should probably quit while they were ahead and cherish the happy memories of their night together rather than wait a week for the tears and recriminations to start.
He strode ahead on their walk back into the village in a scene reminiscent of their first meeting. A different couple would have marched along, not caring who knew what had happened or what came next. He couldn’t afford that luxury and neither could Emily, though she didn’t know it. It was almost inconceivable to think that a few days after their first meeting his whole world would be upside down and he’d broken every one of his relationship rules because of this woman. If Emily expected a loved-up stroll, hand in hand, making the most of their last minutes alone, she didn’t say anything. At least nothing he heard.
He paused at the top of the hill to take a breath and a mental snapshot of the view he’d called home for too long. It gave his walking companion time to catch up.
‘You seem in an awful hurry to get back.’ She moved directly in front of him so there was no escaping the sound of disappointment in her voice.
‘I’m sure it’s been a long night for everyone. They’ll be wondering what’s keeping us with the storm long past and half the morning gone already. It’s not fair to make them wait any longer than necessary.’ They’d had their fun and now it was time to face the consequences.
‘Joe? Is everything all right? Between us, I mean?’
This was his opportunity to tell her the truth. Everything between them was far from all right. It was crazy and messed up and scaring the hell out of him enough to consider getting the next boat off the island. Instead he slung an arm around her shoulders as if she was an old mate seeking reassurance on a trivial matter, not a lover asking him about his feelings for her.
‘Sure,’ he said, his confidence failing him. Going back into the community with shattered hearts suddenly seemed crueller than letting this play out until he had his bag packed.
‘I guess we do need time to acclimatise again, give Peter some warning that we were together before he figures it out for himself.’ She gave credence to his explanation, increasing his uneasiness by expanding on it until it became her truth. This trust in him was exactly the reason he should leave. He couldn’t live up to her expectations and when the blinkers came off it would be in the most humiliating fashion.
‘Right,’ he said, picking up the pace and carrying the lie away with him.
‘The wanderers have returned!’ Peter and Miriama were every bit as exhausted and pleased to see them as he’d expected. The guilt slammed into Joe’s chest harder than the group hug in which he and Emily were swamped.
‘Sorry you had to hold down the fort for so long but we thought it best to wait out the storm.’ He immediately felt the need to justify their long delay, even though the reason would’ve been obvious to anyone who’d witnessed Mother Nature’s rage last night.
‘I’m just glad you didn’t get caught up in it. Did you find somewhere to shelter?’ Peter rubbed Emily’s arm as if he was trying to generate some heat for her even now. It was a reminder she still had someone to turn to, come what may. Her stepbrother was that person, not someone who was already planning to run away before they reached the first hurdle.
‘Joe knew somewhere—’
‘We found a place up in the rocks out of the rain.’ He cut Emily off before she gave Peter the idea he’d somehow pre-planned all of it.
Besides, the cave had been his secret and it wasn’t something he wanted to share with anyone but her even now. Revealing its whereabouts, leaving it open to future visitors, would defile the time they’d spent there together. He wanted them to be the last two inhabitants; the ghosts of their pasts and never-to-be-had future doomed to haunt the stony cavern for ever.
‘Good. I had enough to worry about here and figured years of survival training would see you right. Although I would’ve thought a desert island in a tropical storm was a doddle compared to rain-soaked ditches in the English countryside.’
‘You bet. I hope you didn’t have too tough a night here without us.’ He’d spent the night cuddled up with the most beautiful woman in the world while her stepbrother had been doing the job he was supposed to be doing.
‘All the delights you’d expect but nothing we couldn’t handle. He seems to be through the worst of it for real this time.’
‘Thanks, mate. I really appreciate you stepping up to the plate for me. I’m just sorry we put you in that position in the first place.’
‘I would say you shouldn’t make a habit of it but I reckon we can spare you another couple of hours if you want to have a kip or get changed.’
‘That would be great. Cheers.’ All of a sudden Peter’s generosity made Joe want that space all the more. So no one had died this time, but he had still let his friends down. He could’ve said no to going in the first place and saved everyone a lot of trouble. He could’ve insisted on leaving the island at the same time as the others or come back sooner. It had been his selfish wish to spend some alone time with Emily that had put so many people in jeopardy. Pure luck had kept them all from serious harm during his negligence.
He was distracted and unfocused, everything he’d feared would happen if he forged relationships with people. If he hung around here much longer the worst was bound to happen. There was always going to be dengue fever, diabetes, choking babies and people relying on him to save them. Without a local hospital or access to crucial medication the people he’d grown to love were someday going to need more than he could give them. He’d barely come out the other side of grief the last time and he couldn’t face it again. He couldn’t face these people again knowing he’d failed them. His heart wouldn’t survive losing Emily if he failed her too. He’d had a lucky escape this time and it was time to check out while the going was good.
He took off out the door without a backward glance for Emily, afraid that if he looked at her he’d bottle out of this altogether.
‘Hey, wait for me.’ She’d really got this ninja frontal attack down pat. He didn’t even know she was following him until she was there blocking his path.
‘Look, Emily, I need some time on my own. Sorry.’ He started walking again, unable to offer her a proper explanation when he didn’t fully understand why he was throwing this away himself.
‘Joe?’ Another stealth move and he was faced with those doe eyes pleading with him not to do this.
He had to swallow the ball of emotion lodged in his throat. It was never easy ending a relationship and he was effectively ending two of the most important ones in his life by leaving Yasi. He didn’t want to do this out here in the open. Hell, he didn’t want to have to do this at all but he was supposed to be a drifter and the difficulty level of ending this was proof he’d already stayed too long.
‘I never said I’d be here for ever. Last night proved to me it’s time I moved on. I should never have let things get this far and I’m going now before I do any more damage. There are enough of you to carry on what I started. You don’t need me any more.’ They didn’t need him but it was becoming clear that he was starting to lean on them too much and that was equally as dangerous. Spilling his guts to her last night in the wake of his latest nightmare had shown how weak he’d become in getting close to Emily and everyone else on the island. It was only a matter of time before someone got hurt. More hurt.
‘I don’t suppose the fact I want you to stay makes any difference?’ She was killing him but this was going to take tough love to make sure she didn’t end up mooning after him and ruining the rest of her trip.
‘You know I can’t stay still. I get bored too easily. I’m grateful for this adventure but, really, I’m ready for the next one.’ He saw Emily flinch at his choice of words out of the corner of his eye.
‘Joe?’ Another plaintive cry for an explanation he couldn’t give her.
It broke his heart to ignore it.
‘I don’t have much to pack so if I can get the chief to agree, I’ll be taking the boat out again soon.’ He didn’t care how he got back to the mainland or how long it took as long as he put some distance between him and Yasi Island fast. It wouldn’t take much for his resolve to weaken.
‘If that’s what you really want...’
‘It is.’ He was almost gasping for air as the lie choked him. What he wanted was a life with Emily but that was as impossible as Batesy and Ste having theirs back.
‘Is that it? You got what you wanted and now you’re running out on me?’
‘You knew this wasn’t for ever. One night together doesn’t mean I’ve changed who I am. I was upfront from the start about my intentions. All I’m doing is putting an end to it sooner than planned. Chalk this up to part of the adventure package.’
He couldn’t bear to look at her any more as he stumbled away. Ripping the sticking plaster off with a short, sharp shock was supposed to alleviate the pain more quickly but that expression of betrayal he saw welling up in her eyes was going to stay with him for a long time. He needed to get off this island. Now.
Emily couldn’t breathe, the shock of Joe’s words sucking the air from her lungs. After last night he knew this was more to her than a holiday fling and she’d hoped he’d felt the same. This sudden coolness and what seemed like unnecessary cruelty was difficult to get her head around when they’d shared so much, grown so close.
Frozen to the spot, all she could do was watch him go. Even the tears she needed to shed for their short-lived relationship refused to fall in her confusion. If she were a stronger person she might have given chase and demanded answers but part of her already knew the answers. He was bored with her. He’d said as much. All of that anxiety she’d felt when Greg had told her the same thing came whooshing back and left her gasping for air. This was reaffirming that idea she wasn’t good enough for anyone.
The energy seemed to drain from her body as the implications of his words sank in, leaving her limp and unsteady on her feet. She reached out to brace herself against one of the palm trees that once upon a time had held so many good memories. Now she would always associate everything she loved on this island with this utterly overwhelming sense of desolation. She sank down onto the grass, her body only upright with the support of the solid trunk of the tree. This was how she was going to spend the rest of her days—alone, broken-hearted, unwanted.
Hard-hitting rejection wasn’t new to her but it wasn’t any less painful the third time around. If anything, it hurt even more than losing her mother or her husband when Joe had appeared so much more supportive and accepting of her for who she was. Last night she’d held him through his night terrors, made love as if they’d been embarking on the start of an exciting journey, and now he was saying it was over? It was hard for her to accept she wasn’t anything more to him than any of the other women he’d spent time with on his travels when he’d come to mean so much to her. He was part of her now. He’d helped her learn to love herself again and she’d fallen head over heels for him in the process.
She couldn’t imagine going back to her old life as if this had never happened. Neither could she face the rest of her stay here without him. There were memories liable to start a monsoon of tears at every turn. Even from her tragic position here on the ground she could see the hill they’d marched down laden down with her luggage and the school where they’d had so much fun with the children. Her lip began to wobble as she realised this was probably the very tree they’d sat under and shared lunch. If she was expected to forget him she was going to have to leave early too.
She struggled to her feet and resolved to make her way back to Miriama’s before she gave in to the big fat tears threatening to fall. Once she was behind closed doors she could mourn properly—cry, rage and eventually decide where to go from here. Whatever happened next was entirely down to her. From now on she was on her own.
* * *
Emily had spent more than enough time moping in her room like an angsty adolescent. Her throat was raw from sobbing, her eyes puffy and red from crying, but she knew she still had to face up to her responsibilities. Just because her life was falling apart it didn’t mean she should neglect the inhabitants of Yasi. With Joe gone she was the only doctor left in residence.
She splashed her face with cold water and pulled her hair up into a ponytail. There were always going to be patients to treat and her job was the one constant in her life. At least she was always going to be in demand professionally, if not romantically. In some ways she felt sorry for Joe. The transient life he led to ensure he didn’t get close to people also meant he never got to fully experience that feeling of belonging.
With her mind clearer now the initial shock of his rejection had passed, she began to analyse that last conversation. He’d given her the impression he’d tired of life here, that she’d bored him. If this had been England and she was back in her office with nothing to look forward to than a cup of tea while watching the soaps on TV she’d buy it. But not when she’d spent the last days throwing herself into local customs that ordinarily would have terrified her. She wasn’t that same meek divorcee who’d set foot on the island and she was ticked off he’d made out she was. After everything he’d told her she began to wonder if it wasn’t his insecurities he was running away from. He’d been so locked into his grief and guilt he’d become a martyr to it, denying himself, and her, any chance of happiness.
She found herself veering towards the clinic. If she didn’t try to make sense of this now she knew she’d come to regret it. Whether he was leaving because of her or his own demons, she wanted closure before returning home so she was free to start the next chapter of her life. With or without him.
Her once weak limbs now carried with renewed strength. She’d never taken the opportunity to confront Greg about ending their relationship and had simply walked away with her tail between her legs. Not this time. Good or bad, she wanted honesty about why this was over so she wouldn’t be left in limbo.
Unfortunately, by the time she reached the clinic all traces of Joe were gone. All that was left was a scribbled note on the door.
Thanks for everything.
Joe x
That was it? After everything they’d been through together all she deserved was an impersonal message that could’ve been directed at anyone on the island. She crumpled it in her hand in disgust. He hadn’t even managed a proper goodbye to her, to Peter, or anyone else who loved him. She wasn’t usually prone to violent outbursts of temper but this all seemed such a waste she wanted to punch things or scream out her frustration.
The hub of the village wasn’t the place to do it and she knew she couldn’t focus on work until she’d worked through this part of the grieving process. She took the path to the beach instead. The same one Joe would had to have taken to make his escape. She wondered what kind of mindset he’d been in when he’d walked this route. Sad? Relieved? Excited to be starting a new adventure?
Perhaps, instead of spending the last hours weeping and wailing she should’ve been finding out. There was a small chance he might even have counted on her coming after him and begging him to stay. After all, she hadn’t been honest about the strength of her feelings for him. It was too late to find out if that would have stopped him from leaving.
Her eyes were burning again with those useless tears as she reached the top of the hill. Somewhere in the distance she swore she heard a boat splutter into life. She blinked away the tears to see two figures launching the boat from shore. Joe was there, sailing away for good. This was the last time they’d probably ever see each other and she wanted to make sure there was no way back before she moved on. She raced towards the beach like a woman possessed. He didn’t look back, probably because he couldn’t hear her yelling over the death rattle of the diesel engine. It was up to her to make him listen.
She kicked off her shoes and didn’t think twice before wading out into the water. Joe had taught her not to overthink and complicate matters but to simply jump right in and see where she ended up. Soon the boat would be too far out for her to reach. She gulped in one last breath before diving into the unknown.
Swimming out to a lover who’d jumped on a boat to escape her was either the most romantic gesture ever or the action of a desperate woman who had serious issues about letting go. It was impossible to gauge which way he’d take her action but hopefully he’d spot her soon before she drowned and became some sort of tragic folklore story. She didn’t really want to spend eternity wailing for her lost love when she still had a life to get back to at the end of all this.
When she’d expelled all the oxygen in her lungs trying to reach him, she popped her head above the water and waved. The last thing she saw before she sank under the water again was Joe getting to his feet. At least she’d had one final look before she went to her watery grave. That would make the soulful songs about the lonely Englishwoman who drowned chasing the handsome traveller all the more poignant.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ Joe was reaching down through the water to grab hold of her. A hero truly worthy of becoming part of Yasi folklore.
She climbed into the boat with the help of two pairs of male hands. Excellent, she had a local to regale the rest of the island with tales of her daring escapade. Which was fine if she benefited somehow from this recklessness and didn’t make a complete ass of herself. The latter seemed the more likely outcome as she was sitting between two bemused men like a bedraggled mermaid they’d accidentally caught in their fishing net.
‘I. Thought. You’d. Gone.’ Her teeth were chattering with the shock of what she’d just done more than from the cold.
Joe pulled a sweater from his bag and draped it around her shoulders. ‘I had to wait until we could take the boat out again. It’s stormy out there.’
Only now he’d pointed it out did she realise the skies had clouded over again, matching her unsettled heart.
‘I want to know the real reason you’re leaving now.’
‘You’re crazy. This is crazy!’
‘You drove me to it so the least you can do is be honest with me.’ It was true in every sense. She’d never have done anything so impulsive before meeting him, never have felt the need if she hadn’t have fallen so hard for him.
He stood up, rubbed his hands over his scalp and sat down again. ‘I can’t believe you did something so stupid.’
‘You’re the one running away from this when we both know we have something special. In my book that’s equally idiotic.’
His sigh came from somewhere deep inside him. Somewhere the truth was probably hiding. ‘I told you what happened in Afghanistan. I don’t get close, I don’t get hurt. Simple.’
He wasn’t saying he didn’t love her, didn’t want to be with her. Reading between the lines, it was because of those reasons he was leaving. Her big brave army doc was afraid to admit to his feelings because of things that might never happen. It was something she could relate to when she’d spent her whole life trying to pre-empt the negative outcome of every situation.
‘That’s not living. Loving someone, being loved, is part of life. You’re the one playing it safe when you know sometimes the biggest risk brings the greatest rewards. What happened to going with the flow? Unless you missed it, things were flowing pretty great until you jumped into this boat and headed out to sea.’ A destination that hadn’t yet been corrected. If she didn’t get through to him soon she’d be making the return journey with only a very tactful islander pretending not to notice her pouring her heart out.
‘I don’t want you to get hurt.’ He took her hand and rubbed the heat back into her fingers, showing he was always tending to her needs without even thinking about it.
‘You couldn’t hurt me any more than you did by walking out on me without giving us a chance. I want to be with you. Beyond that we’ll just see what happens.’
‘Damn. You got really bossy in the space of just a few days.’ He was smiling as he linked his fingers through hers but she could see the turmoil in his eyes. It was going to be down to her to convince him to take a chance on love. The knowledge he wanted to be with her was powerful enough motivation for her.
‘I prefer to think of it as becoming more decisive. I’m taking charge of my life and I want you to be part of it. I love you, Joe Braden.’ Her heart was pounding like a drum as she put it all on the line for him. Joe wasn’t the only one taking a risk here. After everything she’d been through, starting a new relationship was like setting foot on Yasi all over again. She had no clue what she was letting herself in for and could only cross her fingers and hope that it would all turn out good in the end.
‘And I love this crazy, impulsive Emily. She sounds like the ideal travelling companion for lots of fun new adventures.’
Her heart felt as though it was beating for the first time it was so full of happiness to hear those words and know he meant them.
‘So what’s the plan from here?’ She wanted to go with the momentum, wherever it took them.
‘Well, there’s a little place I know where we can reconnect and take some time out before we commit to that next step. Perhaps we could take a detour and get our captain to drop us off across the bay before the storm moves in.’
Another shiver rippled up and down Emily’s spine, this time with anticipation. It was the ideal place to truly get to know each other and make plans for a future.
One thing was sure, with Joe in her life she’d never be boring again.