Chapter Ten

Now

I ran a last-minute check through the house, knowing I wouldn’t be back until morning. Dewey was happy to get an extra-large serving of food, but after a moment’s introspection, gave me a baleful look. He knew what the super-size dinner meant—he’d be on his own tonight.

“Sorry, puss,” I said, stooping down to scratch him behind the ears. “Matt predates you. It’s a seniority thing—you understand.”

He did not.

I went down on all fours and shook my head to make my curls bounce for him. He swatted at one half-heartedly and then turned his back, tail up to show off his butt.

“Gross.”

“Mrow.”

“Have a good night, buddy.”

I threw on my coat and grabbed the huge shoulder bag I was disguising as a purse for the night. It was full of things that were just the other side of forbidden by the silly walk of shame requirement: clean underwear, some toiletries, and my phone charger. My phone would be dead as a doornail if I didn’t plug it in at night.

“You’re in charge, Dewey. No wild parties,” I called to the empty living room. The cat was conspicuously absent. “Fine. Pout. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I tossed my bag in the car and dug my phone out for a last-minute text to Matt: On my way. Sure you don’t need anything?

I was out of the garage and navigating toward the complex’s exit when the reply came. All set. See you in a few.

Tuning my phone to a playlist from college, I aimed my car for the freeway. The first song that came on, however, nearly made me run off the road. Well, not the song, but the fact that I had to rush to skip it. It reminded me way too much of an ex-boyfriend who was much better forgotten …

Seven Years Earlier … Second Semester Freshman Year

For a few weeks after the Courtney Sorbet incident, I thought entirely too much about the feel of Matt’s lips on mine, and his hands on my body. I knew I needed to find a distraction, because Matt was so clearly not boyfriend material. He was too nice, too even-tempered—he made a great friend, but I liked guys with a little more passion. It was weird that I could be simultaneously proud of Matt for the way he handled Courtney, and know in my heart that I would have wanted him to make some kind of grand gesture to win me back if I were her. That was the real issue—he was completely unromantic. I wanted romance in my life. Hell, Courtney probably wanted it in hers, too, and Matt wasn’t that guy. A great guy, yes, but not her guy. Or mine. We weren’t meant for each other, and I needed to find someone more my type.

And then I met Alex.

He saw me in my pajamas and my glasses—which I hardly ever wore except when I wanted to see the scrolling headlines on TV at the cafeteria—on a Sunday morning. I should have been repellant. But as we stood waiting for the toaster to free up, he laughed.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

I looked up from my bowl of Trix. “Um … taking out all the blue ones?”

“Why?”

Something told me not to be completely honest. “I just don’t like them.”

He laughed again. “That’s pretty weird. I’m Alex.”

“Jocelyn.”

The guy monopolizing the toaster finished up, and Alex stepped snappily to one side. “Ladies first.”

Right away I wanted to throw my glasses in the nearest trash can and yank my ponytail down. Chivalry makes me want to be the kind of lady who deserves it. “Thank you,” I said, and laid my wheat bread on the metal conveyor.

“Would you like to have breakfast with me?”

That time, I couldn’t restrain one hand from flying up to my glasses. So embarrassing. “I, uh, I—”

“Please?” he asked with an adorable puppy-dog face.

“Okay.” I had to give myself an internal pep talk the entire time we were toasting our bread and looking for a seat. I wanted to tell him I’d be right back, run to my room, get dressed and bury my glasses in the quad, but I couldn’t figure out how to do that with any subtlety.

It didn’t seem to matter to him, though.

Breakfast was just the beginning for Alex and me. We started with study dates at the library. A total pretense, since we weren’t in any classes together and he was actually two years ahead of me. Soon it was movies and concerts at the student union, and walks through the arboretum. He had a single room in one of the upperclassmen dorms and the privacy felt like heaven.

By the time summer break arrived, I didn’t want to go home.

On the last day the cafeteria was open, one of the R.A.s came through the hall looking for anyone who wanted to go to the cafeteria. She had a ton of money left on her food card and wanted to use it up. I was in Matt’s room at the time, ripping one of his CDs onto my computer. We decided to take her offer.

“So, are you coming up to the cottage or what?” he asked as we trailed the dozen or so people headed for the cafeteria. Matt’s parents had a timeshare in a resort town on Lake Michigan. Matt was organizing a trip up there for July Fourth and I hadn’t given him a solid answer yet.

“Um …”

“Oh, come on, I’m sure Darcy will let you take a Friday off. She’s your sister.”

“That won’t be a problem. It’s just—” I pinched my lips shut.

“Alex,” he finished the sentence for me, jaw set forward.

We did not see eye to eye on my boyfriend. “He just worries.”

“About what?” Matt spread his hands to indicate himself, me, the general area—I wasn’t sure what he meant to include in his assessment.

“Well, he can’t be there. Can you blame him for wondering what might happen?”

“Yes.”

“Matt—”

He put his hands up in surrender. “Okay, whatever you need to do … The invitation stands, okay? It’s gonna be fun. Everybody’s coming.”

“Jocelyn!” Alex’s voice caught my attention from across the quad.

“Speak of the devil …” Matt muttered.

“Stop,” I said, giving him a sour look.

Alex jogged the short distance between us and slipped his arm around my waist. “Hey, pumpkin.” Then, he spared a nod for Matt. “Hey, man.”

Matt nodded back. “I was just telling Joss she really should try to come up to my parents’ place for the Fourth of July. It’s gonna be a lot of fun.”

Alex’s hand tightened on my waist. We’d officially dropped away from the group of people going for food. “Yeah, she told me about that. I wish we could make it.” He tugged me close and kissed my temple. “I was trying to call you, Jocelyn.”

“Sorry.”

“Good thing I know where to find you.” He laughed a little.

“Hmm. I guess I’ll see you later, Joss.” Matt waved and took a few steps before he turned and looked at me again. “Please try, it’ll be fun.”

“I’ll try,” I said.

He turned again and Alex rubbed my lower back as we watched him walk away. “You’re not really thinking of going, are you?” he asked.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. It would be really nice. A lot of my friends are going.”

“But you know I have to stay in Madison for classes this summer, pumpkin.” He made the puppy-dog face I always found adorable. “It’s already going to be awful to be away from you so much. You wouldn’t want to go without me, right?”

“Well, no …” I stuffed my hands in my pockets. “Couldn’t you come home just for the holiday? We could go up together.”

He smiled and kissed my forehead. “I’m sure we could come up with better things to do for the holiday.”

“It’ll be a lot of fun. Matt says his parents’ place is great.”

Alex looked in the direction of the cafeteria. “That guy wants to get in your pants so bad he can taste it.” He frowned. “I just don’t like the way he looks at you.”

Guilt clutched in my gut. I had never, and obviously could never, tell Alex about Matt being my Sorbet Guy. “It’s not like that. Matt’s my friend.”

Alex’s frown deepened, then he let out a breath and wrapped me in his arms. “Can you blame me for wanting to keep you all to myself? You’re so beautiful. Who wouldn’t want you?”

I let the pleasure shiver through me, even as a small part of me answered him in silence, Anyone but you? He adored me, and seemed to have no idea that I was just … me. “You’re so sweet,” I said.

He kissed my forehead again. “So, what were you doing? I called your phone three times before I finally came to look for you.”

I’d left it in my room, actually, but I knew I had to lie. “I was helping Jessie with her loft. I didn’t hear it ring.”

He smiled. “I wish you weren’t going home this summer. I hate not knowing where you are, what you’re doing …”

“I’ll be locked up like Rapunzel in my parents’ house, no worries. Just washing dogs and hanging out with my high school friends, I’m sure.”

“And coming up here to see me. Every weekend. Because you can’t bear to be away from me.”

I laughed. “Right. And that. Aren’t you going to come visit me at all?”

“You really want me to take the bus? You can just drive up here.”

“No, you’re right. I should.”

“That’s my girl.” He smiled. “Now, I have an idea. What do you say I take my gorgeous girlfriend down to the Union and get something better to eat than this cafeteria crap?”

“I say okay.” I smiled and he squeezed me with a deep sigh of contentment. I didn’t want to go home either. I wanted to stay with Alex. He made me feel like a rare diamond, and I loved that he thought I was a grand prize he’d won. He was so convinced that every guy I knew wanted to steal me away from him. I knew he was dead wrong, but that was part of what made it so endearing. He reminded me of Ben with his protectiveness, except, you know, not a cheating asshole.

Jessie and I drove up to Door County together for the holiday. She’d come through Milwaukee on her way up from Illinois, and we were both delighted not to make the trek alone. Three hours, ending in a feverish search for small, unmarked roads, was not something to take on solo.

“I just cannot believe this is the same lake that I’ve seen down in Chicago,” Jessie said, face pressed to the passenger window.

“Well, it is,” I said. “And it’s the same lake over in Michigan and all the way up to the Upper Peninsula.”

Jessie stuck her tongue out at me, but grinned. She hadn’t stopped marveling at the lake since it had come into view.

“I’m so glad you’re here!” she squealed. “It would have sucked to drive up here alone!”

“I just wish Alex was coming.”

“You see him all the time, this will be good for you.”

“Weekends are not all the time.”

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever. He’s the one being a dork about this.”

I kept my mouth shut. I was pretty mad at Alex myself, but I didn’t want to talk about it. Saying it out loud would mean admitting that, and for reasons I couldn’t fully explain, I didn’t want to admit anything was wrong with my relationship with Alex. There were sides to be taken, and being surrounded by friends who would gladly take mine made it harder to remember that Alex was sweet, adoring, and wonderful. He was really stressed out by his summer classes was all. And being apart was harder than we’d expected. I was sure he hadn’t meant to upset me. He probably didn’t even realize I was upset.

Not that he’d know—he was going camping for the holiday with “some buddies.” He wanted me to promise not to go up to Matt’s place even though he was gone, but I’d sidestepped the issue. He thought I wasn’t going, and I knew I was. We’d deal with it when he was back in range of a cell tower.

“So, um, does Matt have a girl coming up for the weekend?” Jessie asked.

I laughed. “Besides you, me, Geena, and Annemarie, you mean?”

“Yeah.” She leaned forward and turned the volume on the radio down to almost nothing. “Like, is he seeing anyone?”

“Oh. Not that I know of. He wasn’t seeing anyone last time I talked to him.”

“Hm.”

Her efforts to sound disinterested were pathetic. “Are you into Matt?” I asked.

“No, I—” she gasped. “He just—he’s just really nice is all, and I thought—”

My foot eased up on the gas and the car slowed.

“What? What did I say?”

“Jess.…” What the hell was I going to tell her? The truth? Something completely made up that would put her off the trail?

“You think it’s a bad idea, don’t you?” she asked.

“It’s not that—”

“Does he not like me? Did he say something?”

“No! Of course not.” I forced myself to bring the car back up to the speed limit. “I, um … it’s just that I kind of …”

“You don’t like him, do you?” she asked. “You’re with Alex!”

“I know that! God! And Alex is madly in love with me, and we are perfectly happy together, by the way—”

She snorted.

“I slept with him.”

“No shit.”

“Not Alex. Matt.”

“What?” she shrieked.

I ended up telling her everything, leaving out the irrelevant details, like the fact that he was still the best kisser I’d ever encountered. When I was done, all she wanted to know was, “Does Alex know?”

“Do you think I’m insane?” I demanded.

“God.” She slipped one sandal off and propped her foot on the dashboard. “Well, never mind that plan.”

“Sorry.”

She shrugged. “Hey, it’s not your fault you got there first.”

“I didn’t know you were interested in him.”

She shrugged again. “Not enough to pick up your sloppy seconds.”

I let go of the wheel long enough to give her a shove.

She laughed. “So, wait—what the hell are you doing with Alex if you could have Matt?”

“It’s not like that with us. He’s a good friend, but he’s so not my type.”

“You know that makes you sound like a big tramp, right?” she asked.

I gave her another shove.

“I’m just saying …” She grinned. “Would you cheat on Alex if Matt wanted to hook up this weekend?”

“No! Jeez! What do you take me for?”

“Hey, I think that’s our turn up ahead.” Jessie pointed and squinted at the map. I slowed again, and took the right as she confirmed the name of the road. We left my question unanswered as we both started looking for the sign for the next turn.

After we’d found it, Jessie propped her foot on the dashboard again and turned to look at me. “Would it piss you off if I said I think you should date Matt instead of Alex?”

“Why don’t you like Alex? Why doesn’t anyone?”

“Why doesn’t that tell you something?” she retorted.

I scowled at her. “You guys just don’t get to see what he’s like when we’re alone. He’s so sweet and he thinks I’m like the greatest thing since sliced bread. Do you know what that’s like?”

“Sounds pretty standard to me.”

“How so?”

“Isn’t that the point of boyfriends? They’re supposed to think you walk on water, aren’t they?”

“I guess so.”

“Well, that’s the kind I want.” Her other bare foot joined the first on the dash. “Except, you know, I want him to trust me.” She gave me a pointed look.

“He’s protective. I think it’s cute.”

“Protective is cute. Freaky jealous—” She sucked air through her teeth. “It gets old. Fast.”

We fought. For the remaining six weeks of summer, we fought. I did a lot of apologizing. Enough to make me sick of it, frankly, because I hadn’t done anything wrong. I’d done exactly what he’d done, in fact, but that didn’t seem to matter to him. Jessie was right, jealousy gets tiring in a big hurry. Sure, it was cute that he thought I was such a catch that other guys were clearly out to snatch me from him at every turn, but there’s a little thing called trust, and Alex didn’t seem to have any of it in me.

Even after I moved back to Madison in August, it didn’t stop. I had hoped our proximity might ease his mind, but nothing changed. Every time I went out with friends, he thought I was cheating on him. Every time a guy smiled at me in public, he got irritated. If I’d breathed a word of our ongoing struggle to my friends, they would have told me to break up with him, so I didn’t. I let it all collect in my core, wound tight and tense.

The problem was, aside from the jealousy, I liked him, I couldn’t believe that things wouldn’t change. For six months, I convinced myself he would change, relax, or finally trust me. Then, it was another three months of telling myself it was time to get the hell out and stop being lazy. See, it turned out that I’m something of an addict for being someone’s girlfriend. It took a lot for me to admit that to myself. I like having a boyfriend. I like having someone to count on for a weekend’s entertainment. Someone who will come to my apartment and move furniture for me. Someone to spoon with. And Alex was the first long-term boyfriend I had after Ben. It was hard to think of cutting all of that comfort out of my life.

So, I waited. And, yes, maybe I pushed a few buttons in the hopes of bringing myself out of the comfort coma. Ultimately, however, the decision was his. The first time.

I had plans with Jessie, Annemarie, and Kerry for the night. It was just going to be a girls’ night out. Nothing exciting. We planned to drink champagne, get strangers to buy us drinks, and give them nothing in return. Our typical definition of fun.

Alex had plans for the night as well. It seemed perfect.

“Do you want to meet up with us after the game?” he asked when we spoke on the phone before he left for the hockey arena.

“I’m not sure. I think the girls are planning on just us for the night.”

“Why? Are you trying to meet other guys?”

“No!” I said, feeling my patience stretch to the breaking point. “God, Alex, when are you going to trust me?”

“I do trust you. I just don’t trust other guys.”

“Which is stupid. If you trust me, you have nothing to worry about.”

“At least tell me where you’re going to be.”

“I don’t know.” It was true, I didn’t know.

“You just don’t want to tell me.”

“No,” I drawled, working hard at not getting mad. “I seriously don’t know.” Each word got individual enunciation and emphasis as my temper threatened to explode.

“Fine.” He hung up the phone.

I stared at it for a moment, stunned at his outburst. He’d never hung up on me before. I considered calling him back just to hang up on him, but there is nothing satisfying about hanging up a cell phone anyway. I decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

When we hit the bars that night, it was with a vengeance. I was pissed, and I needed the girls to help me work up a full head of steam to break my relationship inertia. It was the first time I was completely honest about my relationship, and it was like opening a floodgate. I was caffeine-jittery by the time I let it all out, spewing language that would have made a nun faint. To be fair, the girls were not surprised. And they were more than willing to help, offering the classic girlfriend gems:

“You’re too good for him.”

“You could do so much better.”

“Who does he think he is?”

“You should call him up right now and dump his ass.”

I probably would have done it anyway, but Alex sealed the deal before I had the chance. He left me a voice mail. I hadn’t even heard my phone ring in the crowded bar. I got the message when we were in transit to our next location.

“Jocelyn, it’s Alex. I don’t know if I can take much more of this. I just can’t stand it when I don’t know what you’re doing. And you don’t seem to care. I’m not sure this is working.” The message was hard to hear over the background noises. I realized he must be at the arena and that, more than anything, pissed me off.

“That fucker just dumped me during halftime!” I shouted to the girls.

“What?!” was the general reaction. They all insisted on listening to the message and then launched into a five-minute diatribe about Alex’s character that involved language far worse than anything I’d come up with.

“Come on,” Annemarie said, “let’s go find some guys for you to really make him jealous.”

“No way,” I protested. “I’m not hooking up with some stranger to make a point.”

“Oh, come on,” Jessie reasoned. “It would serve him right.”

“I’ve got a better idea,” I said, already searching my new phone’s directory to find Matt’s number. He should have been in my favorites, but I was always afraid Alex would see it there and freak out.

“Hello?” he shouted when he picked up.

“Matty, it’s Joss.”

“Hey, Joss, what’s up?”

“Where are you?”

“I’m at the hockey game,” he shouted. “Why?”

“I need you tonight.”

There was a long pause.

“Matt?”

“My place or yours?” he shouted.

I grinned. “Mine.”

“I can be there in an hour.”