Chapter Twenty-two

Now

“Okay, fine, so that was kind of … messy,” I admitted. “But, we’ve been fine since then.”

“How many second dates have you been on since you walked out on Josh?”

I frowned. “I don’t know.”

“How many dates have you been on? Period.”

“Jesus, Matt, it’s not like I keep a logbook.”

“All right, sorry. I just …” He sighed. “I think it’s gotten to the point where we can’t do this anymore.”

The room seemed to tilt wildly and I slapped my hands down on the cushions. I blinked and the world was steady again. Physically anyway. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t think we can keep up this … thing much longer.”

I wanted to cry, but I shoved my forearm into my stomach and got out a whisper. “Is this about the new girl?”

“Yes and no.”

“Would you just tell me the story already? You’re starting to freak me out.”

Matt shifted into the corner of the couch, bringing one knee up so we were facing each other, one cushion between us. “So, there’s this girl at school, like I said. Tara.”

“Right.”

“And she’s cute.” He shrugged and shifted his gaze to a point somewhere behind me. “She’s blond and pretty, and she seems smart. So, I should like her.”

“So, what’s the problem?”

He looked down and found a loose thread on his jeans to pull at. “The problem is that when I look at her, I look for what’s wrong. I look for the reason we’re gonna break up.”

“I think that’s normal. I always think the same thing. How long is this gonna last? Is it worth it? I think everybody does that.”

“Yeah, but it’s always worth it because I know you’ll be there at the end.” His expression was impossible to read and I began to feel nervous.

“What does that even mean?”

He shifted again, rising to his feet and pacing to the desk. I had to twist to follow his path. He perched on the corner of it and crossed his arms. “I’m willing to be an ass and break up with Tara, because I know you’ll be there when I do. And I’m starting to hate that about myself. I keep dating all these stupid girls because I know I can get out of it and you’ll still be there.”

I blinked, feeling like the sofa was suddenly less steady in the room. “So … what? The deal’s off?”

“I think it has to be.”

“I don’t understand where this is coming from. Why now? Did I do something wrong?”

“No! Joss …” He pushed off the desk and walked past the fireplace, stopping to drum his fingers against the back of the armchair. “It’s just that ever since my dad died, I’ve been kind of … I don’t know, lost? Maybe that’s it. I’ve been thinking about what’s important, and I don’t want to waste Tara’s time. Or mine, anymore.”

I swallowed around the lump in my throat, willing myself not to cry. “I get it. This whole thing is kind of silly, I guess.” I tried to smile. “It was bound to end sometime, right?”

He looked relieved. “Right. I think we’re getting too old for the game.”

“Okay.” I nodded and stood up, unable to make eye contact. “I’m sorry I dragged it on for so long.”

“You?” His tone was one of shock, and I looked up. “This is my fault. I should have said something before. I should have said something after my father’s funeral.”

I gave him a little half-smile, still not able to look in his eyes. “I don’t think I would have believed you, then. You were so upset.”

“You’re probably right.”