In the dark bedroom, I crouch down by the bed, running my fingers underneath the mattress until I feel the two cigarettes, waiting side by side. I slide them out, rolling them into the palm of my hand.
My head sings as I stand up, and I shut my eyes against the glaring pressure. When I open them, her bare feet are there on the grey carpet, the dirty toenails almost touching it. I see the filthy edge of the once-white pyjama bottoms, and below that, the fair hairs which grow from her exposed calves. Her hips are narrow and wrong-looking, as if her legs have been attached at a strange angle. At the waistband, there is a gap where her stomach doesn’t meet the material. She seems a different person, half the size of the girl I just saw tucked into bed: only the pyjamas are the same.
She watches me, crossing her arms. I’m excited to show her the cigarettes.
I hold out my hand: the two white sticks quiver.
She smiles and her face becomes hers again for a moment. Reaching forward, she hugs me, pressing her thin arms around me and squeezing. I close my fingers around the cigarettes, protecting them.
We sit on the edge of the bed.
She puts the cigarette in her mouth and flicks the lighter easily. Her silver ring gleams. Inhaling, she smiles.
I light my own cigarette, feeling the smoke fill me up.
She reaches forward, puts her free hand around my face, cups it, and rubs my cheek with her finger.
I look at the clock resting on the floor. It is a big yellow circle, with a smiley face. The hand that counts the seconds is broken, but I can still see the nub of it moving round and round. It’s two o’clock. Not time for a cigarette, time for an afternoon nap.
I hear a sound and my heart leaps.
Kylan appears in the bedroom doorway. I breathe out. He seems tentative, as if he is unsure whether he wants to come looking for me.
I don’t hide the cigarette, watching the shock flash across his face. I think how much he looks like his father.
‘Mum, what are you doing?’
‘I’m having a cigarette, darling.’
‘You don’t smoke.’
‘There’s a lot you don’t know about me.’
The cigarette is burning away, but I can’t bring myself to take a drag in front of him.
Kylan just stares.
‘Are you all right, Mum?’ he says eventually. His face crumples with worry, and I can’t bear it. I reach forward, open the window, and drop the cigarette out.
‘I’m fine, darling,’ I say, putting my finger to my lips. ‘It’s my little secret. Don’t tell your father.’
I reach my arms out for him and he allows himself to be pulled into a hug, flinching from the smell. Once his body is against mine, I don’t want to let him go. I hold on, eventually feeling his arms over mine, pushing me gently backwards.
‘What’s the matter, Mum?’ he says, squeezing my arms.
‘I miss you,’ I say.
‘I miss you too,’ he says, but he avoids making eye contact.
‘Are you sure you’re making the right decision?’ I ask.
Kylan looks confused. ‘What do you mean?’
‘With Katya.’
He lets go of my arms. ‘Of course I am,’ he says.
‘It’s just that—’
‘Look, Mum,’ he says, ‘you don’t even know her. I love her, and you need to start making an effort with her because I’m going to marry her. I won’t let you do this again.’
I feel my eyes widen. ‘Do what again?’
Kylan sighs. ‘It’s like when I started seeing Vara. You had known her her whole life: she grew up down the road. But you still managed to scare her away.’
‘Vara deserted you when you were being bullied,’ I say.
‘I wasn’t being bullied.’ He sounds angry. ‘I got into a fight over a seat on the bus.’
I can’t believe he is this self-deluded. ‘You had a bloody nose, Kylan,’ I say. ‘The other boy hit you.’
‘I hit him back,’ he says. ‘I’ve told you this so many times. It was a one-off.’
I remember all those days Kylan walked silently, head down, back to the house. Vara’s face: those green eyes, her dark hair blowing in the wind by the side of the road where they got off the bus. I remember shouting at her that she should have been a better friend to Kylan. How could she just give up on him like that? They had been friends since they were children.
‘She lost interest in being with you when things got hard,’ I say.
Kylan looks at his feet. ‘That wasn’t because of the fight,’ he says slowly.
‘It was because she was a bad friend. You don’t want people like that in your life, Kylan.’
‘It was because you yelled at her. In front of a bus full of people. Of course she didn’t want anything to do with me after that.’
I sink onto the bed. ‘That’s not what happened, Kylan,’ I say, tears in my eyes again. ‘I was protecting you.’
‘I didn’t need protecting,’ he says. ‘And I don’t need protecting now. I love Katya, and I’m going to marry her. You need to start being nicer to her. Or—’ He stops.
‘Or what?’ I say.
He pauses. ‘Or we won’t come here any more.’
I put my face in my hands. Eventually, he sits on the bed and puts his arm around me. ‘I’m only asking that you give her a chance,’ he says.
‘I am,’ I say, my voice a protest. He begins to shake his head. ‘All right,’ I say quickly, ‘all right.’
‘I love her, Mum,’ he says. ‘You need to accept that.’
I put my head on the shoulder of his shirt and rub my wet cheek against it. I take his hand in mine and squeeze it. He squeezes back. ‘Let’s go back down,’ he says. ‘We were worried about you.’