I have the best intentions to be a good parent. I start the day ready to be supermom, ready to be positive and patient and say the right thing, but when no one listens, the shoes don’t go on, my son is mean to his sister . . . I just lose it.
A mom of two little kids said this to us one day. Well-meaning and thoughtful, she was trying her best to be the parent she’d always envisioned she’d be, but every day she felt as if she was falling short. The negative tone, nagging, and power struggles in the house reached a breaking point one afternoon, when she grabbed a dollhouse and threw it out the back door in frustration. Her kids were horrified and so was she. She called us.
We hear dilemmas like this every day in our groups and private practice. These are loving moms and dads who want the best for their kids. They want the family to be close, but instead of fostering harmony and collaboration they often feel like drill sergeants, issuing no’s, yelling, and time-outing—or pleading, negotiating, and ultimately feeling like their kids run the show.
What we realized is that these dilemmas actually happen for a good reason, which is that empathy is on the rise. Parents are aware of how important it is to be connected, understanding, and warm to their kids. Decades of research has shown that these natural instincts to comfort and listen lead to stronger relationships, higher achievement, and lower anxiety and depression. Parents have been told to be positive, that they’re “not supposed” to yell, bribe, or threaten, and that traditional actions like spanking and punishments are detrimental.
The problem is that, in some ways, this has created a vacuum for parents, in which the standard tools have been taken away, but not necessarily replaced with something tangible. Moms and dads have the best of intentions to be kind and empathic but end up feeling indulgent and so frustrated that they eventually resort to yelling and punishing after all.
In our practice, we’ve seen a clear need for a balanced approach to discipline (from the Latin word, disciplina, or “teaching,” not punishment), one that is both empathic and effective. Not only that, we knew that to really help parents, our system had to be easy to remember and follow. The beauty is that our three-step, or “ALP” approach, can be applied to any difficult moment in life, as you’ll see through our coaching in this book. Our clients apply it to parenting issues (like tantrums, not listening, and sibling conflicts), and as they practice they see its ripple effects in their partner relationship, work dilemmas, and beyond. They tell us over and over again that the three-step model changes their whole outlook on being a parent. Rather than dread difficult moments, they feel confident and optimistic. They know what to do and say to be effective, all the while nurturing a close relationship to their child and keeping their eyes on their bigger goals as a parent.
You may have noticed: parenting topics can be polarizing. We saw this for years on the subject of baby sleep, which led us to write our first book, The Happy Sleeper. The subject of discipline has the same either/or perception problem. One side swears by strict rules and consequences for “bad behavior” and believes that permissive parenting leads to unruly, entitled kids. The other side thinks that empathy and warmth are the key to teaching, and that very strict discipline causes kids to fear, rather than trust, their parents. We see these “discipline wars” every day in our work with families—sometimes even within the same family! Whichever camp they’re in, though, most parents tell us that something is missing. When they’re very strict, they end up feeling guilty and worry they’re missing a deeper connection to their kids. When they try to empathize and be flexible, they often feel ineffective and resentful. It’s no surprise that more than 70 percent of parents say that discipline is the hardest part of raising a child.
Rather than choosing one side, research tells us that the best outcomes and highest satisfaction in families come from choosing both. ALP is the way to accomplish this. In order to have both, we start by taking our clients back to some simple but profound premises about children:
Your child is capable.
She wants to listen and learn.
He’s wired for empathy.
She wants to help.
He wants to feel like an important part of your family.
You’re on the same team.
When we show our moms and dads this list, some nod as if to say, “of course,” while others shake their heads in disagreement (still others crack jokes). But not only are these statements true—as shown by decades of child development research and clinical experience—they dramatically change how you interact with your child on a daily basis, including in difficult moments. When you adopt these principles (as we’ll guide you to do in this book, starting with babies as young as seven months), you’ll see how traditional tactics like rewards and punishments do not make sense and actually work against you. You’ll see “misbehavior” as a sign that your child is working on a developmental skill. You’ll understand how to collaborate with your child, and your job as a parent becomes very clear, logical, and doable.
Many other clinicians and scholars have written about empathic parenting and delved deeply into the theory and science that support this way of being with our kids. Our hope is that this book serves as a practical “how-to,” an easy-to-follow guide that brings all of these remarkable ideas into a format that busy parents can begin to use right away.
One day, we were leading a workshop for parents at a local preschool. Talking about engaging cooperation at bedtime (a concept from The Happy Sleeper) we said to the audience,
“For example, you might say this . . .”
Suddenly, the parents grabbed their notebooks and pens and looked at us expectantly. Yes, they had been engaged during the class, but now they were about to hear us say the actual words, demonstrate the actions, and convey the tone—and that piqued their interest even more.
Words are powerful. Pages and pages of explanations and theory can often be artfully conveyed by a pause, the right body language and tone, and one or two sentences. When we started to work on a book about setting limits with empathy—a topic we’ve taught to thousands of families—our intention was to be as clear and helpful as possible. At first we weren’t sure what to think about words and scripts being the centerpiece of this book. Communication is an art form, not an exact science, so we would never want to imply that our words are the only words. Each family has its own language, mannerisms, and cultural context.
Quickly we realized, though, that parents love examples. They crystalize general ideas into actionable ones. In our Mommy and Me groups, parents say that empathic communication is their favorite topic, and the ALP model has changed the way they talk to their babies, toddlers, and children for years to come. We brainstorm with our clients, “What could you have said in that moment to let her know you really understand?” or “Imagine the words you would like to hear when you’re upset.” They love this exercise, and often they jot down notes and say, “Oh, can you repeat that!” They come back to us all the time with sentiments like, “My child let me in on something deeper about her problem, I had no idea!”
The examples and scripts in this book will allow you to change the way you talk to your kids starting today. By the time you’ve read through, you will have added your own personal nuances. If you have a baby, we’re so happy you’ve picked this book up, because it’s easiest to start early, and how you talk to her now will forever change your relationship.
Parents are often shocked by the effectiveness of this approach. They’re shocked by how ready their kids are to become competent, well-meaning, creative, cooperative parts of the family, and how changing the tone and words reveal this. We are reaching beyond “effective,” though. We want to help you nurture a child who is kind to herself and others, who is confident and independent, and who understands what is fair and right. A child who trusts that you are always there to listen and guide, no matter how much you might not approve of her behavior. Kids are not shaped by external forces to be “good”; as parents we simply nurture and reveal that they already are.
The shoes will go on, and you’ll feel closer in the process.
Chapter 1: This chapter covers fundamental concepts and outlines the three-step, or ALP, model of communication. It’s important to read this chapter because the principles in it (such as defining your bigger goals as a parent, shifting how you view your child’s capabilities, and looking beneath the surface) make the ALP model successful.
Chapter 2: This chapter gives you “proactive tools” to help keep the family in balance, making it less likely that you’ll be stuck in a difficult moment in the first place. With the concepts in this chapter, the tone of the day can change and difficult moments may be less likely to happen. The ratio of enjoying each other to conflicts will go up with these preventative tools.
Chapters 3–8: In these chapters you learn how to apply the ALP model in various types of difficult moments (tantrums, hitting, not listening, sibling conflict, screen time, and bedtime).
To get started, read chapter 1 and review the proactive tools. Then you can jump straight to the issue most relevant to your family.
For supplemental tools, please visit nowsaythisbook.com and thehappysleeper.com.