CHAPTER SEVEN
Screen Time
They feel compelled to confess their sins of how much television their children watch.
—Dr. Dimitri Christakis
When we introduce the topic of screens in our parenting groups (even with moms and dads of the littlest babies) the discussion brims with concerns and questions. Is it okay to let babies watch a thirty-minute show? How much screen time is healthy for toddlers? How can you avoid power struggles and meltdowns with a video-game-obsessed child?
Media and screens are now part of our kids’ daily lives in an unprecedented way. The technologies to watch and play are ever growing, as are the devices geared to the youngest viewers (we’ve even seen potties, changing tables, and cribs adorned with screens). Everywhere you go, you see babies playing with their parents’ cell phones. American toddlers and little kids have roughly two hours of screen time a day. As kids grow, so does their time spent with screens: On any given day, American tweens (eight- to twelve-year-olds) use an average of six hours’ worth of entertainment media, and that’s excluding time spent at school or for homework (when many are multitasking, doing homework while connecting on social media or playing video games at the same time). Teenagers average nine hours of entertainment media use.
Rather than thinking of screens as good or bad, in this chapter we’ll look at the question in a more nuanced and helpful way. It’s not just the amount of time spent on screens that matters, it’s also how technology is integrated into family life, what the family habits are (including parents’), what specific programs children are watching and games they’re playing, and how we talk to them about all of this. Our goal here is to briefly look at the research and clinical thinking on media and screens, use this as a starting point for creating family agreements and habits, and give you scripts and examples of how to talk to kids about screens and troubleshoot common stuck moments. We don’t want you to feel worried or guilty about screens, we want to empower you to be mindful of how your family uses them—to be in control of devices rather than letting them control you.
Screens, Family Relationships, and Health
“Hey, Mom and Dad, Over Here!”
Devices and Parent–Child Interactions
Recently, we watched a well-meaning dad and his kids out for dinner and saw the pitfalls of technology and parenting in action. Dad and the kids started out chatting, but soon the dad’s phone beckoned him. He looked at it over and over. Toward the middle of the meal, the kids started bickering. The dad laid his phone down on the table and said, “Hey, no name-calling or we’re leaving. Stop it.” A few minutes later, he was back on his phone. Soon the kids were fighting, standing on the benches and running around the restaurant. The dad took out another device and all three family members ended up on electronics until dinner was over. No one looked happy with the way the meal turned out.
This is an example we can all relate to in one way or another. For many of us, our devices are on hand at all times. Work correspondence, social connections, calendars, sports, photos—we engage with our devices (often with good reason) every day, nonstop. Research suggests adults, just like teens, spend an average of nine hours per day looking at screens—the majority of which is not work related.
We tend to think of screens as a kid issue, but if we want to raise smart screen consumers, the first place to start is with ourselves. Whether we’re doing extensive research or quickly checking a message, our children (even our babies) pick up on our continual interest in and reliance on our devices. The problem is that, in excess, it disrupts a natural back-and-forth of interaction, eye contact, and response that is so critical to children’s development. Babies and kids learn about the world with us as their guides, so when we’re available, they learn more. When we look at them with genuine curiosity and don’t rush them, they feel understood. This is harder and harder to do when our devices and electronics are constantly pinging and our attention is being pulled away. Indeed, research suggests that screens distract parents and disrupt moment-to-moment interactions in the family, and that parents and children interact less when parents have access to their mobile devices.
Of course, we don’t need science to tell us that screens are distracting. Most of us feel this and many of us are already concerned and trying to make more conscious choices about screens for ourselves. In the next section, you’ll see ideas for setting limits for you and talking about devices and screens in a way that will help your child interact with screens in a healthy and smart way.
Screens and Sleep
The research on screens and sleep is clear: Watching screens, particularly in the evening, is associated with delayed bedtimes, less sleep, and poorer quality sleep overall. Children with screens in their bedroom sleep less and are more likely to have a sleep problem. Babies exposed to screens in the evenings at the age of six to twelve months sleep less overall than those not exposed to evening screens, and each additional hour of evening media use for preschoolers is associated with a significant increase in sleep problems. Kids who are on a screen in the ninety minutes before bed are more likely to have a later sleep time.
For school-age kids, sleeping near a small screen, sleeping with a TV in the room, and having more screen time overall are associated with shorter sleep durations.
Why are screens at odds with our kids’ sleep? There are a number of reasons:
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Electronic screens emit light that sends alerting signals to the brain. Light from many electronic devices is blue—which on the electromagnetic spectrum is similar to sunlight. In the evenings, an hour or two before our bodies are ready to fall asleep, the drowsy-making hormone melatonin begins to rise. Light suppresses the release of melatonin, making us less likely to fall asleep at our optimal bedtime. This applies to toddlers, school-age children, teenagers, and parents—the impact of light on sleep is a powerful universal human phenomenon.
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Content can be activating to the brain. An interactive game or another screen-based activity requires kids to be engaged, make decisions, receive rewards or not, advance to the next level or not—all of which keeps the brain awake, releases stress hormones, and makes it harder to disengage and fall asleep. If your little one is dodging fireballs or slaying dragons, his brain will be looping this mental activity, and his body will still be feeling it when he closes his eyes.
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Screens become a point of negotiation, which can lead to emotional outbursts and delay bedtime routines. It’s hard for kids to turn off screens (even harder than it is for us), so watching screens before bed can often snowball into power struggles, while early bedtimes slide later.
Health and Development
The research on how screens relate to health and development is complex. We can’t lump all screens together (watching a movie is different from building a world in an interactive game, which is different from blasting zombies with a console). What kids are watching, for how long, at what age, and in what context all matter.
We do have some information to help us make good choices, though. For example, we know that baby brains are programmed to learn from experimenting with the physical world. Infants learn physics from simple activities like rolling a ball and banging spoons; numbers and math concepts by putting blocks into a container or building a tower; and language from adults making eye contact, gesturing, and interacting as they talk. It’s not just babies; little kids learn from the physical world too, and from having unstructured playtime in which they can create imaginary worlds, develop relationships, make plans, and follow through on ideas. Screen time is not necessarily bad, but for little kids, most other activities (even rolling around in the grass or snow) are better. The question of whether babies and little kids can learn from media and screens continues to be researched—it’s likely that they can learn from quality educational media, especially when adults watch and interact along with them.
In our experience, though, most parents don’t use screens this way. They (understandably) turn on a screen while they take a break to do house chores, eat quickly, or take a shower. In that case, the latest recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics are to avoid the use of screen media, other than video chatting, for children younger than eighteen months; and for toddlers between eighteen and twenty-four months to choose high-quality programming and apps, and to interact with the child when using them. Between ages two and five years, the recommendation is to limit screen time to one hour per day of high-quality programming.
Primed for Meltdowns
Many of the video games on the market today are masterpieces of entertainment. They’re immersive, they’re exciting, they feel as though they should never end. When kids play, the world falls away and their minds are swept up. The nervous system goes on high alert—a dragon, a ninja, the next level, a pile of gold! Neurochemicals like dopamine are released, leading to a feel-good state and a desire to keep going. Many games even encourage frequent checking in and use so as not to miss out on extra points or benefits that arise randomly.
When it’s over, other activities can seem less interesting and enjoyable. Stress hormones that raged during the epic dragon battle still course through the body. Sometimes video games can leave kids feeling mentally depleted and emotionally dysregulated. This can appear as a child being withdrawn, bored, or tantrum-prone. Parents tell us that their otherwise rational child is practically unrecognizable when it comes to screens. Other parents report what looks like a cycle of behavior problems and screen use: Kids who have trouble sitting still and regulating emotions are sometimes given screens to distract, soothe, and calm them down. In turn, when the screens go off, the problem has compounded.
This may sound like we’re saying video games are bad, but the issue isn’t one-dimensional. For example, research also shows that action video games can improve certain aspects of attention and multitasking ability. Precisely those powers that make video games so powerful can also be used for good. Video games are being developed to improve certain brain functions and elevate learning. There are many companies developing games that are constructive and teach skills. Not surprisingly, research shows that most parents of older children agree that technology positively supports their kids with schoolwork and education, and that technology helps them learn new skills and prepares them for future jobs.
So media and screens are powerful and multidimensional. It helps to be aware of how they affect your child’s emotions and behaviors; to choose family screen practices that take good care of eating and sleep; and to protect time for unstructured play in the real world. Again, our focus in this chapter is to move beyond deeming screens as good or bad, and to help you think about their role in your family and their effect on your particular child. After you make decisions about family rules and habits around screens, we’ll help you navigate common stuck moments and conversations about their use.
Attune
We all know screens can elicit big feelings for kids. Your baby might scream when you turn off her favorite television program, or your second-grader might sulk when you insist on the video game going off. No matter what the scenario, even if the emotions seem completely unreasonable (you agreed on only thirty more minutes!), it’s important to attune to these feelings in the moment. When you attune, your little one feels understood. Even if she doesn’t like the limit she will be more likely to listen to it when you listen to her too. See the scripts later in this chapter for examples.
Kids coming out of video game land may seem extra irrational and irritable. It’s as if they’re in withdrawal. This can be really hard for parents. If your child has been playing for two hours and you’ve given her five warnings, it’s difficult to empathize with the sorrow and protest that can come when the game finally goes off. It may help to think about your child’s brain and the previous description of how games can truly affect chemistry—your child’s reactions are valid (it doesn’t mean you should delay or go back on your limits).
An important way to attune around screens is to build a foundation that brings the family together, rather than pitting you against each other. This means attuning to your child’s interests, thoughts, and feelings about her shows and games in regular moments—not just when they become a problem. This will set a better foundation of “we’re on the same team” that will help you get through the moments of conflict that inevitably come up on the often contentious subject of screens. Here are ways to do this.
Ask, Watch, and Play
If you’re worried about screen time, this may sound counterintuitive, but we want you to make friends with screens. The media content our kids watch is captivating to them, and it’s running around their minds long after the screens go off. You have a chance to engage and help them make sense of it. If you simply endure a certain amount, demand the TV or games go off, and never speak about it, you’re missing an opportunity.
Align with your child and try to understand what he likes about what he’s watching or playing. If you talk about media as the bad guy, you’ll be an outsider because you “don’t get it.”
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Ask questions about what your child is playing. How does the game work? How do you get to the next level?
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Ask what he thinks is fun about it. Don’t be afraid to talk about how cool a certain show is—you want your child to feel like you respect his passion.
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Talk about how he feels when he plays.
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Try to understand the game and play it yourself. Get a second game console and play with your child. This will surely help you empathize with him about what makes them so great.
Limit Set
Limits for Kids
Don’t Be Afraid to Censor Content
It’s helpful to use tools like Common Sense Media to see what’s appropriate for certain age groups, but make choices just for your family. That might mean you’re okay with certain things, like explicit lyrics in a song, that other families may not allow, but that you are not okay with violent shows. Or you might know that your children aren’t fazed by cartoon aggression, but that they are sensitive to heartbreak and emotionally heavy story lines in a movie. Maybe the characters of a given show call each other names or the values of the show don’t align with your own. Kids learn from what they watch, and that includes the vocabulary, tone, and mannerisms of the characters. Most adults can still remember certain images or stories that upset them or were too intense for them as children. There’s no value in exposing kids to media content that upsets or frightens them, with the idea that it will “toughen them up.” One of the best ways to know the content of the show is to watch together.
Avoid Using Devices to Distract and Soothe
It’s tempting to use screens as a distraction if your toddler is getting frustrated or crying and complaining, but this is a slippery slope. Babies and little kids need connection, eye contact, and physical touch—this is how they develop self-regulation and a secure attachment. This doesn’t mean you can never have a “911” moment when a screen saves you, but using screens quickly becomes a habit and little ones come to expect it. We really want our babies and kids to get the message that their “negative” feelings are fine with us and that we’re not trying to immediately make them go away. Using screens to soothe little ones can quickly become a cycle, because the more screens are used to distract them, the less practice they get self-regulating and the more acting out and other difficult moments will happen.
Set Child Screen Limits at Family Meetings, and Hold Them
It’s much easier on children if we set up screen limits and rules at a family meeting, rather than making up rules on the fly. This makes your children part of the process, allowing them to brainstorm and give their input too (a three-year-old should be involved in family meetings, even if her contribution is to talk about the princess kite that got caught in a tree one time). When you decide on your family agreements around screens, stick to them. This will make it easier for you to hold limits and it will make the limits clear and trustworthy to your children. If the family agreement is one hour of screen time per day, try as much as you can not to bend or change this rule. If you consistently hold to it, your children will trust the limit (even if they don’t like it).
Limits for the Family
Phones and Devices off When You Eat
Turning off and putting away electronics and media before you eat supports mindful eating and allows the family to talk and connect. This applies to restaurants too. It’s easy to hand a toddler a device at the dinner table to occupy her. Will giving a screen to a toddler in a restaurant to occupy her be harmful to her? No. Will she expect to watch a screen the next time you’re at dinner? Very likely. If you can hold good, reasonable restaurant expectations and stay clear about electronics and eating, you’ll set a precedent that your kids will always trust. Remember, you have to adhere to the agreement too!
Limit Background Television
Research suggests that background television interferes with family interactions: babies and toddlers interact less with their parents and have a lower quality of interaction when the TV is on. It also suggests that kids have a hard time focusing and playing well when television is on (even if they’re not watching the television). No one wants to miss their favorite team’s game, but it’s important to be choosy about when the TV is on.
Put Away Devices with Purpose
Rather than having multiple devices out, in eyesight, all over the house, have kids and parents put them in a particular place when they’re done. Devices might live on a bookshelf, in a drawer, or on an office desk—not on the coffee table or dinner table, and especially not in bedrooms. Having a space to park devices out of direct eyesight helps symbolically turn them off and shift attention to other activities. It makes the boundary between screen time and not-screen-time clearer.
Limits for You
Imagine you’re playing with your baby on the floor, swinging her on the swings, or changing her diaper when your phone pings. You turn your head and reach for your device, maybe even for a thirty-second update. This happens dozens or even hundreds of times every day. Babies and little kids grow up with us dividing our attention constantly. Try not to think of this as a black-and-white, good–bad issue—electronic devices allow us to research, learn, and work with mobility, and allow our kids to have advantages like video chatting with a parent or grandparent who’s not there.
You have the opportunity to model and teach a healthy relationship with devices. This is a relationship that will be passed to your child through modeling, just as with other healthy habits like those around eating and sleeping. Practice limit setting with yourself. Rather than feeling guilty about devices, you can be mindful of your behaviors and consciously choose how you relate to them, rather than letting them control you.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Choose times when you put your phone completely away, out of sight, so you’re less likely to think about it (the ringer could be on so you still get phone calls). If you walk your child to school in the morning, can you make it a device-free daily walk? Make mealtimes device free—parking phones and turning off electronics before coming to the table.
If you’re working from home or waiting for an important phone call, then you may need your phone next to you, but if not, can you put it up on a bookshelf until you need it? Turn your alerts down or off. Save personalized rings and tones that allow you to screen what you want to answer.
Here is a sample of family screen rules. Look at chapter 2 on running a family meeting, and make these your own!
OUR FAMILY SCREEN AGREEMENTS
For the kids, the weekdays are screen free. Exceptions include computers needed for homework and special events like sports finals.
Eating is special family time. At the table, we eat, talk, and laugh. Kids and grown-ups do not have screens or phones during mealtime (at home or in restaurants).
Screens go to bed before we do. No phones or computers in the bedroom. We turn off all screens (that’s parents too!) one hour before we climb into bed.
We have a list of shows and video games that are okay to watch and play. If we want to add something to the list, Mom or Dad has to watch it and see if it’s okay to add.
Problem Solve
Turning off screens is a transition, and transitions can be hard for everybody—big and small. Some kids react extra strongly to having screens taken away, because their brains are wildly absorbed in what they’re doing. You probably know how this goes, as if there’s nothing more important and desired in the whole world. Turning off screens is a massive injustice!
You’ll see examples in the upcoming scripts section for problem solving with screens. If your child is too upset about turning off a screen or adhering to a family rule about screens (like not having them at the table), you may have to simply hold the limit and wait until he’s receptive enough to think creatively or to be more flexible.
For now, you are the one setting screen rules and limits, but you won’t always be looking over his shoulder to see what he’s watching and make him turn screens off. Our ultimate goal is to help our kids become critical thinkers and smart media consumers. This takes many forms; for example:
Rather than just tell your preschooler she can’t watch a certain show, explain your thinking behind it.
This isn’t a show we watch, because it doesn’t have any information in it.
This isn’t a show we watch, because it’s too fast and overwhelming to our minds.
This isn’t a show we watch, because the characters call each other names.
We only watch one hour of TV each day so we can leave room in the day and in our minds for everything else: running, building, talking, playing—we have to keep space for those things.
If you are watching a show or playing a game, encourage critical thinking. Help your child see how games work and why they’re so tempting and engaging.
Whoa, I wonder how that character felt when she said that. What do you think?
Is this show too intense? It’s feeling really intense to me!
How did you feel when you got to that level? How did you feel when you didn’t make the next level?
Can you see how that game is tricking your mind to think you have to keep playing? Games are very good at keeping us playing!
If you feel as though your family rules around screens are not working, bring this up at a family meeting, to brainstorm and problem solve together. Be sure to listen and consider what your kids are telling you, while also holding on to all the knowledge and wisdom you have about what is best for their growing minds.
Scripts and Conversations
Scripts
Baby
SCENARIO: You turn off your baby’s favorite show.
Toddler/Preschooler
SCENARIO: You’re at a restaurant and your child sees another child watching something on her parent’s phone.
Conversations
Changing a Screen Rule
Mommy and I realized that watching screens in the morning is not working well for the family. We think it might be waking your brain up too early in the morning, and also we want to protect morning time for other things. That means we’ll do our usual morning steps—eating breakfast, talking, playing, getting dressed. In the afternoon we’ll make time for screens.
What? Noooooo! I want to play. Just ten minutes? Five minutes?
I know, it’s fun and you were expecting to watch. This is our new screen setup, though. We know it’s the best way for everyone, even though it doesn’t feel like it right in this moment.
It’s not good for me! That’s not fair. Please? I just have to check my game. Just check. Two minutes.
It sounds like a short amount of time, but it’s not about how long you’re on the game. We aren’t playing games in the morning. You can put the screen back on the shelf, or I can do it for you. I promise it’ll be there and ready for you later.
(Child starts to sulk.) This sucks.
I hear ya. Can you remember to bring it up at our family meeting and share any ideas you have?