Step 1: Focus on the thoughts and feelings that are causing you distress right this minute, and assume that they belong to a part. Tune into that part for a few moments and see what you notice about it: it is speaking to you right now through the thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and gut responses that you are experiencing. What kind of part would feel or think this way? A very young one? A middle-sized child? A teenager? Connect to that part by letting it know you are there.
Step 2: If you are feeling too blended with that part to have a conversation, then create a little bit more space by asking the part to “sit back” or “relax a little bit,” and make room for you, the adult, to listen to what this part has to say. This step can be repeated whenever you get too “blended” or start to get confusion or overwhelm. Confusion, overwhelm, and anxiety always mean that parts are confused or overwhelmed. They are talking to you by communicating their feelings. The same is true when you feel depression, shame, anger, or self-criticism. If ashamed, depressed, angry, or judgmental parts jump up at any time, just repeat Step 1.
Step 3: Be curious. Ask the part what she or he is worried about. The assumption is that parts are activated because they are triggered and experiencing past-related fears. Children need to know that people hear their worries and take them seriously, or they don’t feel safe. Listen to the words that come up, even if they don’t make sense to you, and then reflect the words back to the part: “It sounds as if you feel really worthless and unlovable.” Make sure to ask: “Is that right? Am I getting it?” That lets the part know that you are really listening and really trying to connect and help. Sometimes, parts worry that they will have no place in the adult’s current life, and those fears must be reassured for Step II to be effective. Sometimes when you have parts that are very young, they don’t speak in words: they speak through feelings and body sensations. For example, you might ask, “What are you worried about if I go to my friend’s birthday celebration?” and then get no verbal response but instead a physical response, like fear or shame. Assume the feeling or tension is a communication, and reflect it back, “It sounds like you’re afraid that people will see you … Is that right?”
Step 4: Explore the underlying fears. Usually, the underlying fear is a variant on the theme of “something bad will happen” which has gotten projected onto current triggers. Often we have to explore several levels of fear to get to the core fear. Ask the part again:
“What are you worried about?” No matter what feeling or words come up (anger, sadness, shame, guilt, fear), assume that this part is not comfortable with the feeling and is worried about something.
Then, once you have that next layer of worry, ask: “And if that were to come true, what would you be worried about?” (The questions should be as concrete as possible and tied to the expressed fear of the part, even if the fear doesn’t make sense.) Usually, the answer is “safety,” which then requires another question: “How would he or she be unsafe if this happened?”
It usually takes 2 to 4 questions along these lines to get to the core fear, usually a fear connected to the trauma in some way: “I’ll be alone,” “I would be trapped,” “It would be too much—I would just shatter.”
Step 5: Identify some type of corrective experience that can be provided by the adult self directly to the part, something that the part didn’t get back then, like validation, support, comfort, care, reassurance, or protection. These fears come from long ago, even though they feel connected to right now because they are happening in the present moment. They are the fears of child parts who don’t know that you are an adult with strengths and resources and who has safety under your control most of the time, certainly compared to when you were a child. Ask the worried part, “What do you need from me right here, right now, to not be so afraid of _________?” In most cases, the answer the part gives is: “I need to feel that you, the adult, are there with me and not as scared as I am.”
Step 6: Focus on how the adult you are today can provide a corrective experience for the child you once were. Child parts can be afraid that if the adult is scared, too, or overwhelmed, there really will be danger, and no one will be there to help the child part. I stress to my clients that an adult would only be afraid of a real danger, not afraid of past dangers happening again exactly the same way. The adult can reassure the child parts that right now they are not alone—they’re with you. Or reassure them that nothing bad is happening—they’re just remembering how scary it was then. If words don’t calm the body or the emotions, you can do something physical to communicate safety: for example, put a hand over the part of the body where the anxiety is felt (the chest, stomach) or lengthen your spine by gently stretching it from the middle of the back upward or stand up and walk around to demonstrate how tall and strong you are. You can also reassure the part through imagining being there with her … What would you want to do if you saw him feeling this way? Take his hand? Pick her up? Take her away from that place?
Step 7: Practice! The more you practice these skills, the easier it will be to recover from crises and avoid them. Remember every crisis results from some part getting triggered and reacting out of fear or shame or anger.
The key is communicating a real commitment to the parts that, from now on, you will listen to them, take their fears seriously, connect to them with compassion, and try to provide the protection and support they have been waiting for.