Andy Goldenberg
KRISTIN, 14
KRISTIN confronts her teacher during detention.
KRISTIN [Sitting pleasantly, smiling,] This is fun! Not as exciting as your regular class, but still very entertaining.
[KRISTIN acts exaggeratedly happy for the satisfaction of her teacher, who is sitting across from her.]
This is what school should always be like. I’d pay a lot more attention.
[She smiles at the classroom around her, proud.] I can sit here all day, Mr. Barretto. All week. I’ve got an algebra test on Monday, though, so eventually we’ll have to make plans to see each other another time.
Sorry. I know. I should be quiet, use this time to study. I just love to talk. Maybe we can catch up during actual class time, or if you’re just taking an interest in me, you could always come to one of the color-guard competitions or stalk me online like my parents do.
Oh, come on. You’re the one who always gets to talk, talk, talk during class and we don’t, and we may as well use this time to get to know one another. I mean, the school system is so overcrowded as it is, I’m surprised you even knew my name when you yelled at me. Yes. Kristin Thatcher. Impressive. Very impressive . . . Michael . . . er, Jason. Peter. No. Fred. Richard. Mister . . . Barretto.
[She leans in.] Has anyone ever told you you’ve got great walls in here? Alex was right. Normally I’m paying too much attention to your lesson plan to let my mind wander, but since I have nothing else to occupy the time, I’ve really come to appreciate your decor. I honestly really like what you’ve done with the place. Considering they don’t think very highly of social studies and didn’t even give you your own classroom. Not that this is horrible, but they could have at least given you air-conditioning. It’s practically a ten-minute hike back to the actual campus from the portables, and it’s not like you’re a teenager anymore. Although my dad wears undershirts more than you do, I guess. Might be something to look into, or maybe lighter colored dress shirts. Maybe it’s the fabric. More of a cotton blend? I’m not saying you shop at those cheap discount department stores, but I am saying that if you do, you’ll feel so much more confident if you spent just a couple bucks more at a high-end boutique for men. Might stop people from calling you Mr. Bar-sweat-o. I’m sure you already knew that. Right?
[KRISTIN looks away, toward the walls.]
Mrs. Leonard has those super lame motivational posters everywhere. You know, the ones with the cats that say stupid things like “Hang in there” and “Purrfect Score” Like purrrr. Like a cat purring. Ugh. So lame.
[She sits for a beat, smiling.]
Your form of student torture is never going to break me, Mr. Barretto. I don’t need a phone to talk. Obvs. Melissa would crack in less than five minutes without texting somebody. And Allison? Forget it. She’d lose her mind. She’d have to be transferred to Mrs. Shiphead’s room down the hall. So it’s probably for the best that you singled me out in front of the entire class, even though the two of them were the ones that were actually disrespecting your time. And not to be an A-hole, but, you teach social studies and we were being social. How can you penalize us for that? You should study up on what it means to be our age, ’cause I can’t remember the last time I got into a group discussion of some fat president who ruled the country a hundred and fifty years ago. Of course, I’m aiming to be a fashion designer and not some old stuffy librarian who dwells on the past and doesn’t even have a Twitter account. That’s not you. That’s just the image in my head of the kind of people who care about that Taft guy.
But, I’ll tell you what. You give me back my phone and I’ll Google the dude and tell you exactly what he’s known for. Like I said, it won’t help me later in life and will probably just get me laughed at, but right here, right now, I don’t want to make your life’s work seem any less relevant than a bunch of dead people who made some decisions that are super outdated. It’s important to know where we came from. I get that. But only if it helps with where we’re going.
Here’s a homework assignment for you. If you can tell me how Taft changed the face of the fashion world, then maybe I’ll be a better student. I’ll let you work on that for a little while and I promise to sit here in silence. I’ll quietly open my textbook and work on the same thing. We will socially study like the course implies. And I promise to actually attempt to comprehend the words instead of just staring at them, pretending to be reading for twenty-five minutes, like everyone else in class. Deal?
You know, I’m glad this happened, Mr. Barretto. This is fun!