What is nice? It’s a word we all know and use, but rarely stop to think about. Let’s begin by seeing your initial responses to the word. I’m going to ask you a few questions. Take a moment to pause after each one to notice your immediate answer—the first thing that pops into your mind.
Are you a nice person?
Would other people describe you using that word?
What’s your gut reaction to being nice? Is it positive? Something to aspire to? Or is it negative?
As you reflect on these questions, I would like to share something with you. Actually, it’s a confession. Something that may not be popular or right in the eyes of the world.
My goal is to get you to stop being nice. Not only that, I want you to change how you see nice so it’s no longer a good thing. No longer something you want to try to be anymore. My goal is for your internal reaction to change so that when you hear nice, instead of an inner “Ooh, that’s good,” you think, “Eww, no thank you.”
Yes, I’m trying to influence you. To persuade you. Not for my sake, but for yours. Because as you’ll discover in the pages to come, one of the biggest traps of niceness is the pressure to stay nice. It’s the idea that being a nice person is the same thing as being a good person. And behind that is the fear that if you’re less nice, or if you aren’t nice all the time, then you are selfish, bad, wrong, and terrible. That you should feel guilty and ashamed of yourself. Eww. No thank you.
Now, I know that’s a bold claim, and may be a tough sell. You probably have the same beliefs I did: nice is good. That it’s the same as kindness, compassion, generosity, and being loving towards others. That’s why we need to start with defining nice, showing what it really is, and how it’s different from all these other positive virtues.
Let’s get clear.