Let’s say you and I were heading to a dinner party together. You were my guest and you didn’t know anyone else who was going to be there. As we were driving to the party, just as we pulled towards the house, imagine I turned to you and said, “Hey, when we get in there, be nice, OK?”
What would that mean to you? How would it change your behavior?
Perhaps you’d greet everyone with a smile, or try to be warm and enthusiastic. Maybe you’d appear to be interested in what people were saying, grin, and nod a lot. Maybe you’d laugh at the jokes and remarks people made, even if you didn’t get them.
You might also avoid certain things. Perhaps you’d avoid interrupting, or speaking up before someone asked you a question. Maybe you’d restrain yourself and not make big gestures, speak up fully, or laugh loudly. If you were heeding my request, you most certainly would not bring up controversial topics, ask probing questions, or challenge others.
You’d be, you know, nice.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? Do you do any of these things on a regular basis, even if no one asks you to? It might be something you unconsciously tell yourself all the time.
And here’s the really fascinating part. When you’re at this party, trying to be nice, what are you focusing on? Are you in the moment, speaking freely, spontaneously asking what you’re most curious about, and being fully engaged? Or are you observing yourself and others’ reactions? Are you watching your language, and how others react to you, analyzing the situation? Did they like that? Was it funny enough? Those two laughed, but she seems a little irritated by me. That guy by the drinks was completely disinterested in me. I wonder what I did that pissed him off?
This is what being nice is. It’s monitoring yourself to make sure you come across in a pleasing manner and don’t offend anyone. It’s making sure others like you and don’t have any negative feelings. No upset, confusion, boredom, irritation, sadness, hurt, anger, or fear. No discomfort whatsoever. Just happy, positive, approving thoughts and feelings.
At its core, being nice is about being liked by others by making everything smooth. No waves, no friction. It’s based on this (woefully inaccurate) theory: If I please others, give them everything they want, keep a low profile, and don’t ruffle feathers or create any discomfort, then others will like me, love me, and shower me with approval and anything else I want (promotions, sales, friendships, dates, sex, attention).
This theory is bunk. It’s an inaccurate map of human relationships. And like any inaccurate map, if you follow it, you will not get where you want to go. You will be lost.
That, my friend, is what nice really is.
Let’s pause for a moment. Take a breath. What are you noticing in your mind and your body? Is this resonating with you? Are you having insights about yourself and how you show up in the world? Are you noticing where you’re holding yourself back to avoid disapproval or discomfort in yourself or others?
Are you skeptical? Is part of your mind saying “Yeah, but...”?
But isn’t it good to be polite?
I’m not going to bring up something offensive.
Are you saying I should start being a jerk or an asshole?
No. Well, actually, yes. Because there’s probably many things you would say and do when you are fully confident, authentic, expressive and free, that the inhibited part of you would judge as being “a jerk” or “bad.”
That’s just old fear-based nice conditioning. Don’t worry, we’ll get to that. But let’s take a second to clarify this question about being nice versus being a jerk.