“I am realizing that when we try to be nice, and try to be liked, we end up being repulsive across all areas of life.”
- K.B.
At its root, being nice is about being liked, which in itself is not a bad thing. It’s actually the most natural desire in the world. Let’s say your friend was about to introduce you to someone at a party, and you could choose between these two options:
Option A: That new person likes you.
Option B: That new person doesn’t like you.
Which one would you pick?
Exactly.
But the problem with nice is that it takes a normal human desire and turns it into an absolute necessity. It turns a preference into a serious attachment that we obsess over, as if somehow we won’t be OK if this person is upset with us, or bored by us, or in any way not super excited about us.
By deeming disapproval as threatening and unacceptable, our minds start avoiding it at all costs. We begin running dozens, or even hundreds, of subtle social patterns that are all designed to minimize disapproval, and possibly garner positive attention. These include hesitating, over-thinking what we will say next, not interrupting, excessively smiling or nodding, being too quick to laugh, agreeing when we don’t really agree, holding back, not speaking up in groups, avoiding eye contact, hiding parts of ourselves, lying to fit in, name dropping, trying too hard to impress, and many others.
These patterns drain your social power and make you feel less comfortable and free around others. They result in people taking you less seriously and being less attracted to you. They can feel that you’re trying too hard, that you need something from them, and that you’re not being genuine. This neediness and inauthenticity is a strong relationship repellent. Others might not outright reject you, throw a drink in your face, or tell you off, because you’re being nice and pleasing. You won’t get harsh rejections, but you will have an endless string of polite rejections. Lots of these sorts of rejections: “Oh that sounds nice, but I’m just too busy for the next week… and year.” Not only that, acting this way is inauthentic and feels terrible for you over time. But other than that, it’s great. It keeps you safe, small, and protected from rejection (sort 0f). It also makes you a “good person” who’s respectful of others, right?
This is where we bump into our conditioning, where we learned all of these patterns. In our upbringing, we learned how to be good boys and girls. That we should be good boys and girls. And if we aren’t, we are selfish, bad, wrong, or otherwise unworthy of love. Welcome to Nice Training.