Niceness and guilt. These two go together like peanut butter and jelly. In fact, if you told me about a friend of yours who is “extremely nice,” so nice they are “the nicest person you’ll ever meet,” I would bet a large amount of money at high odds that this person experiences the following three things:
1. Lots of guilt. They frequently feel guilty about letting people down, hurting people’s feelings, putting themselves first, and so forth.
2. Tons of resentment. They will be angry with others, their partner, their parents, their friends, their boss, their neighbors, and their colleagues. Of course, they would be unaware of most of this because to be angry and resentful is not nice; it’s not allowed. Hence, it’s stuffed down. Which brings me to the third prediction.
3. Physical Pain. This friend most likely has some recurring pain in the form of headaches, migraines, neck pain, back pain, knee pain, ankle pain, foot pain, or stomach pain. They may have several diagnoses, had surgeries, be on medications, go to chiropractors and physical therapists, yet never remain pain-free for long (more on this fascinating phenomenon in chapter 5.)
I know this because I experienced all three of them for years, and have seen many nice clients suffering similarly. I also know this because there are certain fundamental patterns that all humans follow. For example, stifling feelings leads to resentment. This is like a math or physics formula; it happens every time, predictably and repeatedly.
When I was living life as the ultra-nice guy, my approach to you, and any other human, would follow this little algorithm.
1. Avoid doing anything to lose your approval.
2. Do not do anything to hurt your feelings.
3. Do not display anger or irritation or do anything that might make you upset.
You know, “be nice,” right?
We looked at number one from this list in the last chapter. This chapter is all about the second one: never hurting others’ feelings.