DON’T BE MAD
“Hello?” I said as I picked up my phone.
“Hi, is this Aziz?” said a man’s voice.
“Yes,” I replied.
“Hi, this is Brandon from Elite Phlebotomy. You’re scheduled for a blood draw at 6 a.m. One of my employees called in sick, something to do with her kid. I don’t have anyone who can come out there. Can we reschedule?”
This blood draw required a fast. Which meant I woke up, went to the gym and worked out without eating anything. It sucked and my workout was hard. I had a mild headache. I was pissed.
“So, here’s the thing. I’ve already collected my urine sample, and that needs to go out today. I also fasted this morning and went to the gym, which was difficult. Now I’m heading home early to make it to this appointment in ten minutes, so rescheduling at this point is not cool.”
That’s right, not cool. I said it. My voice was calm and firm. I didn’t sound angry or aggressive, I sounded firm and a little irritated, which I was.
“Oh, OK. Let’s see,” said Brandon. “I have another draw now, but I can come by around 7 a.m. today. Would that work?”
“That could work,” I replied. “You’ll be here at 7a.m.?” I confirmed.
“Yes,” he said.
Sound simple?
The truth is I never would have done something like this years ago. I would have been much more agreeable, accommodating, and flexible. I also would not have let any irritation or dislike of the situation show in my voice, because showing any form of anger was bad. Years ago, I was trapped in a cage of niceness and terrified of my own anger, other’s anger, disagreement, and conflict.
In this chapter, we are going to uncover that pattern of conflict avoidance so you can see how this operates inside of you. This will give you insight, and perhaps profound relief. Living in constant fear of anger and conflict creates chronic tension and persistent anxiety. You might not even realize just how much unease it is currently creating in your life.
Do you remember the example about over-responsibility from the previous chapter in which I was up at night, worried about letting everyone down? While it was showing up as guilt and anxiety, guess what was really underneath? If I let people down, they’ll be upset with me, angry. This fear of someone being upset is often lurking behind our anxiety and guilt.
Once you know how to handle confrontation, and that it’s not that bad, you naturally begin to feel more solid, safe, strong, and confident in the world. That is exactly what you’ll learn how to do in the next part of this book. But first, you must transform the way you think about anger, conflict, and upset in general.
Let’s start with this question: is anger good or bad?
What do you think? What’s your initial gut reaction? For most nice people, anger is an unacceptable, undesirable, and generally bad emotion. If one is nice, one shouldn’t feel angry, irritated, or upset with others.
These are the stories I lived by for decades. I would get anxious or depressed, but never angry. Sure, once in a while I’d feel enraged at another driver on the road, but these instances were internal and hidden.
I used to be so uncomfortable with anger that not only would I stuff it down, I would secretly judge others for not doing the same. If my friend was driving us somewhere, and he was pissed off at another driver, I’d think: Man, he really needs to calm down. He gets way too worked up. If I heard someone sound irritable or raise their voice in a conversation, I’d judge them as not patient enough, or otherwise emotionally weak and out of control.
Do you have similar views of anger? Is it a sign of weakness? Of not being patient, flexible, assertive, evolved, or spiritual enough? Is it a problem and a bad sign for relationships if someone gets angry? How many times per week do you get angry?