THE HIGH COST
OF NICE
Before we conclude this study of nice and move into specific strategies to increase your power, assertiveness, and boldness in life, we must cover one more aspect of nice. Because even though you may feel the stress from a persistent desire to please others, or the heaviness of frequent guilt, or the timidity of anger-phobia, part of you still may be thinking: Yeah, but nice is still good, isn’t it? If I were somehow better, saintlier, more giving, then I wouldn’t have all this fear and guilt and anger anyway. I mean, being nice is the best way to be in the world, after all. I just need to try harder.
If so, I get it. Nice programming runs deep, and it’s hard to see the other side until you really start making progress and feeling the difference. One thing that can help you make that leap is to see the high cost of being nice. The truth is striving to be nice actually takes an incredible toll on your mind, emotions, relationships, and even your physical health. Unfortunately, most people don’t attribute any of these challenges to their inner demands for niceness, so they seek solutions for the symptoms without resolving the underlying source.
Below I’m going to share the five major costs of nice that can wreak havoc in people’s lives. I personally experienced all five for many years, and I know them inside and out. As I study them more and more, they become clear and obvious. They are surprisingly predictable and common.
However, many people do not understand them. I certainly didn’t for many years. I would just think to myself: Why do I feel so anxious? Why does my stomach hurt all the time? Why do I feel lonely, and why does my chest ache so much? Am I depressed? Is there something wrong with my brain chemistry? I’ve heard it runs in my family after all…
When we’re not aware of what’s causing these symptoms, they can feel like mysterious problems that come out of nowhere. They disappear once in a while, only to reappear again, without warning. They scare us, hurt us, and cause us tremendous pain. They are like specters that haunt us, often in solitude because we’re reluctant to share our pain with others.
As I write this section below, I realize that I have a choice. I have so much passion about this, so much energy and drive to liberate myself and everyone else who’s open-minded and ready; I can get quite fired up. So, my choice is this: I can be mild, toned down, and not controversial to make sure no one objects or gets upset. You know, be nice. On the other hand, I can state exactly what I’ve seen to be true in myself and thousands of other people. I can passionately share the real and shocking costs of being too nice. Guess which one I’m going to choose?
In the words of the great Samuel L. Jackson as Arnold in the 1993 movie, Jurassic Park: “hang on to your butts.”