It’s true. They are. You might have the idea that to be loving, tolerant, and kind we need to let go of boundaries and separation, to see underneath that we’re all one, man. And while that’s true on a spiritual or quantum physics level of reality, on a surface level we are actually quite distinct, you and I. We are in different cities, wear different clothes, have different families, eat different foods, and each have our own unique interests and passions. Understanding and allowing these differences is essential for you to be the powerful, assertive person you want to be in the world.
To illustrate with an example, imagine you own a house. This house has a backyard with a lawn, some flowers, and a fruit tree. On sunny days you like to sit back in a lawn chair, bask in the warmth of the sun, and look over your domain like George Vanderbilt at the Biltmore. Life is good.
Your neighbor also has a backyard behind his house, which borders yours. Sometimes, when you’re out back in your yard, he’s out in his yard as well. Imagine the following scenario, and notice your internal reaction: He sees you behind your house and shouts a friendly greeting, walking towards you. He walks across his yard into yours, making his way through your flower bed, stepping on several of them. As he chats with you, he casually walks to your fruit tree and picks two of the juiciest, ripest peaches, placing one in his pocket, and taking a big, satisfying bite out of the other one.
How are you feeling in this moment? Are you enjoying the interaction? Or is part of you a little irritated, a little upset, a little pissed off? Well, if you are, you shouldn’t be. You should be tolerant, after all. I mean, he didn’t know he stepped on your flowers. You have a bunch of peaches on that tree. You should be more generous and share a few with him… Sound familiar?
How quickly we can talk ourselves out of our internal reactions, which reveal our boundaries. Those feelings reveal extremely important information about you: what you want and don’t want, what you like and dislike. This stuff matters. It matters because it’s you and your experience, and you matter. Regardless of what anyone else told you, or even what you may have told yourself for years, you and your feelings matter. And it matters more to you than it will to anyone else.
Would you say anything to your neighbor? Would you tell him you’d prefer that he didn’t pick your fruit without asking? Would you tell him to not step on your fucking flowers? Or would you smile politely, nod, carry on a friendly conversation, and only internally react? Would you be angry, but too scared to show it, and instead wait until he was gone, then go into your house and tell your spouse, “Honey! You wouldn’t believe what Albert just did! That guy is such an insensitive, stupid jerk!” (Real tough guy when he’s not around.)
This example might seem silly, but this is exactly how most of us operate with our boundaries. We aren’t aware of them, don’t pay attention to the internal signals, and then are too afraid to speak up about them in the moment, leaving us feeling angry and resentful (which we hide the next time we see that person, because we’re “nice”).
Imagine being able to casually and easily say to Albert, just as he’s about to step on your flowers, “Hey Albert! Please watch where you step, I don’t want you to crush my flowers.” And then when he walks over to your tree and picks a peach, you give him a long look. If that doesn’t cause him to pause and ask you what’s up, then you turn your palms upwards and say, “Dude!”
“What?” He asks, with peach juice running down his chin.
“Those have been growing for months and we haven’t even picked any yet. I’m willing to share a few with you and your family, but I don’t want you picking them without asking me.”
What’s happening as you read this? Does it feel good to imagine being able to do that? Does it feel edgy to you? Are you concerned about Albert and how he might take it? Maybe he’d be hurt or offended. Maybe he’d retreat back to his house and never come back. Maybe he’d be angry, plot his revenge and somehow get back at you. Who knows what other terrible outcomes we can imagine from being more direct and assertive?
We’ll get much deeper into the specifics of how to speak up for yourself in Chapter 9. You’ll also discover how to release those fears of others being upset, or any other negative consequences of you speaking your mind.
But before you are able to do that, you have to know what it is you want to speak up about. You have to know what your boundaries actually are across different situations. You have to know where others end and you begin.