One of my teachers and mentors is a man named Rich Litvin. He is a successful leader and coach who runs his business based on his values, rather than by doing what everyone else is doing. He bucks trends and does things his own way. And that is exactly why I was drawn to him. One thing he would repeat frequently in my sessions with him was, “my coaching is not for everybody.”
This struck a chord with me because at the time I was struggling over people not liking me professionally. I’d overcome quite a bit of my need for approval when it came to social and dating contexts. But I found many of those same insecurities lurking in the shadows when I began to share my teachings and services with the world. I would get glowing emails with people thanking me for the transformations they experienced in their confidence and lives through my books, YouTube videos, podcasts, and training programs. And I would get the occasional person who hated me or something I was doing. Those emails would cut right through my boundaries and sting right in the center of my heart. My mind would flare up with all the things I wanted to say back, all the ways I wanted to show them that I wasn’t the greedy, bad, awful person they imagined I was.
Then it hit me. It’s not just that my coaching and teachings are not for everybody. I’m not for everybody. That simple insight lead to a profound sense of relief. I no longer needed to convince every person who came across me or my message that I was a good, worthy person. Some people would love what I was doing, and some would not. That’s OK; I’m not for everybody. Just thinking it or saying it out loud makes me smile. Try saying it out loud right now: “I’m not for everybody.” Isn’t it a relief?
Not only that, it’s absolutely true. How could you possibly be liked by everyone? One person dislikes people who make more money than they do, and another person dislikes and looks down on people who make less. One person likes someone who tells long, detailed stories, and another person hates it when people tell stories because they get restless and bored. No matter what you do, some people are inherently going to dislike it, and dislike you. And the more people that know about you, the more people there are who will dislike you. Which can sound terrifying at first until you realize that “I’m not for everybody.”
Let this sweet message settle into your subconscious. Repeat it often throughout your next few days and weeks. See the truth of it, and let yourself experience the freedom that comes from letting others have the dignity of their own perceptions, beliefs, ideas, reactions, and judgments, without needing to convince or control them in any way. Just look at how beautifully this response works:
“You’re an awful coach. You don’t really help people that much.”
“Well, my coaching is not for everybody. Some people will benefit greatly and some will not.”
“Your books are terrible. I don’t understand why people like them. Useless waste of time, nothing valuable in there, I could barely sit through it.”
“Ha, sounds like you were pretty miserable reading them. Yeah, my books aren’t for everybody.”
“You curse too much. I think that’s bad and shameful and it really disappoints me and turns me off of your work.”
“Yeah, I do curse a fair amount in some of my materials. My videos, seminars, and books are not for everybody.”
How can you use this in your own life? What types of criticisms do you imagine people could launch at you (or have already in the past)? What happens if you simply acknowledge their point and say, “I’m not for everybody”?
While it’s true that some people won’t like us, and that we’re not for everybody, it’s also helpful to keep in mind that many, many people do like, appreciate, and love us when we fully put ourselves out there. Sometimes we forget this and tend to presumptuously assume that most people won’t like us, don’t want to hear our opinion, and will be quick to judge us harshly if we are anything less than perfect. This is not reality. This is simply a distorted perception that comes from focusing too much on our Bag of Ones.
Your Bag of Ones was explained to me by a bright and perceptive coach I met at a conference. She explained it this way: If you were to go into a room of 100 people and say “hi” to everybody, 99 would say “hi” back and one would coldly stare you down and say, “Oh… it’s you. What are you doing here?”
Whenever we go to a new environment—a networking event, a conference, a party, a new job, or anywhere else where we’re putting ourselves out there—we imagine that one person. We may even go so far as to find the one person at that event that gives us that cold, negative response, and add them to our Bag of Ones.
Then we carry this bag over our shoulders, always anticipating a negative reception to everything we do. We have all the evidence we could ever need because we’re carrying that sucker around on our backs.
Perhaps it’s time to let go of the bag.
What would happen if you refocused your attention on the 99 positive responses? Or 82, or whatever the number may be? What if you focused on the people who loved you, appreciated you, encouraged you, and saw your greatness? What might happen if you carried all of that in your bag?
Let’s take a moment to pause and reflect. As we conclude this chapter on boundaries, I want to start by congratulating you. To make it this far, and to do such a deep study of yourself and your patterns requires courage and a strong commitment to growth. You truly are in a minority of extraordinary people, and I honor and admire you for it.
What’s standing out to you from this chapter? What are you learning? What are you going to apply in your life this week? If you were to share your new insights, or teach a friend about what you are discovering, what would you say? Engaging with the material in this way will help you internalize it and use it to transform your life more rapidly.
It’s time to explore the other pillars of Not Nice. As you become clearer on what you want and don’t want, what you perceive, and who you are when you’re no longer seeking approval, you have a much stronger self to interact with the world. It might seem like the next logical step would be to speak up and start voicing what you want and saying what you don’t want.
But that’s actually several steps away. Because in order to be able to speak up for yourself, to break through old habits of stuffing, staying silent, and smiling, you will need power. And the nicer you are, the more disconnected from your power you have become. In fact, niceness actually blocks you from one of the most primal and significant sources of your power: your shadow.