SPEAK UP
“I don’t want to be one of those spineless people.”
- B.B.
Finally! The chapter about how to speak up for myself. Took long enough to get here, geez.
I know, this may have been the very reason you picked up this book. Perhaps you want to speak more freely around others, share your ideas more clearly at work and in meetings, challenge people who try to shut you down, assert yourself with your in-laws, tell your accountant when you have a problem with their work, or respond to your partner when he says something critical. There may be dozens of places in your life in which you are tired of holding back, being silent, playing nice, getting looked over, ignored, disrespected, pushed around, and otherwise “doormatted.”
Trust me, you’re in the right place. In this chapter, I’ll deliver. You’re going to learn how to unlock the cage that stops you from speaking up, and how to access your power and voice so you can freely share what you want in any situation. You’ll also learn specific strategies on exactly how to speak up in different situations, including examples of what to say, and how to say it. We’ll go into detail on how to speak up in the four key areas of life: sharing freely socially, speaking up at work, how to handle disagreements and other difficult conversations, and asking for what you want. In addition, you’ll discover practical exercises to strengthen your assertive tone, speak with more certainty so you can influence others, and come across as a powerful authority, no matter what topic you are speaking about.
There’s a reason why this chapter is this far into the book. It’s because speaking up for yourself is only 10% strategy. Like almost everything in life, your success in this area is based on your inner game, which accounts for 90%. In fact, you can know exactly what to say, have it all planned out intellectually, but then in the moment, hesitate, hold back, and stay silent. Or say it in such a soft, tentative, and hesitant manner that no one takes you seriously.
Can you relate? Has this happened to you? This was a regular occurrence for me. I’d know what I wanted to say, and even how I should say it. Whether it was speaking up in a group or asking a woman out, I’d have it all mapped out in my head. But then, in the moment of action, the moment of truth, I’d hesitate, pull back, and say nothing. It was so frustrating and I often felt confused and stuck. I thought it was all about the “what.” What do I say? I need to know what to say. I need to know the phrase for being assertive, how to interrupt people, and the “pickup line.”
But the truth is, the “what” to say is very easy and can actually be quite varied. There are a million ways to do it. The inner strength, courage, boldness, and willingness to take a risk–that is what determines our ability to speak up more than anything else.
If we’re living in a world where we think we should be pleasing and nice, we should take on responsibility for the feelings of others, we should only feel loving and never angry, then we’re lost before we begin. We’ll never be able to speak up. Because doing so will break our internal rules and leave us feeling anxious, guilty, and ashamed. We’ll feel like a bad person who is unworthy of love and belonging, which is a pretty intense form of pain. And so, despite our desires to be bold, get results, be authentic, have great relationships, and create the life we want, we won’t speak up and go after what we want.
However, now that you’re shedding all those layers of nice-person programming, and liberating yourself so you can show up as your authentic self, you’re ready to start speaking up.
To do this, we’re going to uncover the reasons you’re holding back, and help you upgrade your model of relationships so you have more permission to freely be you. Then we’ll dive into how to be assertive in general, and in specific situations such as meetings, in romantic relationships with your partner, and when interrupting others. We’ll also cover an extremely important topic, which is how to ask for what you want, and how to do so without feeling bad or guilty.
Are you ready? I’m excited. As you study this chapter, and apply what you learn, your life will never be the same again.