If you’ve noticed that you have a pattern of hesitating, holding back, and not speaking up for yourself as much as you’d like, there’s probably a reason for it. No, it’s not what your inner critic says. You’re not “weak, spineless, messed up, broken” or whatever other garbage stories you’ve told yourself. The real reason is that it probably made sense for you to act that way at some point in your life.
Most people who are nice were the peacemakers of their family. They weren’t the loud, defiant, confrontational ones. On the contrary, they were the ones who hated that discord and found ways to minimize it as much as possible. When very young, this may have just involved holding back and not sharing needs, or not asking for as much to avoid being too demanding or putting too much pressure on others. As we got older and more sophisticated, it may have included talking with family members, trying to get others to understand each other, and doing whatever was in our power to keep peace and harmony in our families.
As an interesting side note, I’ve found with many nice people I’ve worked with, that they often have a sibling who is much more outspoken, direct, and naturally assertive. Their sibling didn’t have to study how to be that way, learn assertiveness techniques, or how to speak up for themselves. It just came out of them. If anything, their sibling could benefit from holding back sometimes!
Clients will often ask why this is the case. Why did I end up this way, and my sibling was so different? Why did I have to be the peacemaker? That’s a big question, and I’m sure a million different experts have a million different opinions. I’m not so sure having a story about the why would enable you now to be more bold and free. But, to satisfy your intellect (somewhat), I can share two very simple explanations. These are very practical and not based on deep academic theory, but simple observation.