It’s true. Don’t do it. Because when you hold back, stuff down what wants to come out, and play nice out of fear, you feel bad. Over time you feel less alive, less engaged, more resistant, and more resentful. Your energy drains and you start to feel more tired when you go to work, or spend time with your partner, or wherever you’re not speaking up.
In the past, you’ve probably been aware of the dangers of speaking up. You’ve worried about what might happen, and how people might respond. You’ve focused on the pain of taking action. But have you ever slowed down to focus on the pain of not taking action? How do you feel when you leave a meeting where you were totally silent, and not because you honestly wanted to be that way? Rather, you were held back by fear, intimidated, and assuming others would be upset or judge you for saying what you thought.
What’s it like to hide how you really feel around your partner, because you don’t want to rock the boat? What does that do inside of you, day after day, to pretend? How about smiling and nodding at a party, agreeing and laughing at all the right times while everyone else does the talking? All the while, feeling secretly apart from the group, like you just don’t really fit in. These are just a few of the thousands of moments in your life that you experience when you’re held back within the confines of the nice person.
For me, the pain started small, and eventually became gargantuan. It was a cocktail of fear, inferiority, shame, and loneliness. It lead to pent up frustration and anger.
How has it impacted you?
It’s time to turn down the Hold Back-o-Meter. To say what needs to be said. Or as my coach so tactfully put it in a recent session with me, “Aziz, what happens when you stop playing the weenie and start playing big?” I laughed when I heard her say that, and now that’s on my whiteboard.
I have noticed in my own life, and in the lives of thousands of people I’ve spoken with over the years, this interesting phenomenon: when we hold back, we feel less alive and less engaged. Life loses its color, excitement, and promise. It becomes repetitive, boring, confining, and depressing. Whenever you leave an interaction of any sort, be it in business or your personal life, notice how you feel. If you feel drained, down, fed up, frustrated, or otherwise upset, most likely you held back. You didn’t say what you wanted to say, ask what you wanted to ask, and act how you wanted to act.
You can then ask yourself, “How did I hold back?” After you ponder that one for a moment or two, ask yourself, “What would I have done if I was holding nothing back?” And then sit back and watch the theater of your mind play some amazing movies. It might be subtle shifts, such as interrupting to insert your opinion in a conversation, or more dramatic shifts, like jumping into that dance floor and doing some Saturday Night Fever moves. Regardless of what you see, pay keen attention, for these visions are guiding you towards your full, authentic, free self.