BE MORE SELFISH
If you informally polled 100 people and asked them, “Is selfishness a good trait? Is it good to be selfish?” I imagine almost every single person would say, “No. It is not good.” The word has such a negative connotation that it’s almost like asking people, “Is it good to be racist?” Everybody knows that being selfish is bad and wrong. It hurts others, and it means you’re callous, self-absorbed, just in it for yourself, cold-hearted, and a jerk.
But I have a different perspective. One that may go counter to what you learned growing up. It may seem counter-intuitive at first. But, if you’re willing to let go of all-or-nothing thinking about purely “good” and “bad” traits, and ready to examine what really creates healthy self-esteem, lasting and deep relationships, and true happiness, then this may be the most liberating chapter you’ll ever read.
The truth is there is such a thing as negative or destructive selfishness. This is callously going after what you want and not giving a damn about how others feel, or how it impacts them, all so you can have more pleasure for yourself. Sure, that’s not the best strategy for happiness or relationship success. And that’s not the kind of selfishness I’m encouraging here.
What I’m going to suggest is that there are many things that you could do that would greatly serve you in your life that might feel selfish. These things would not only enhance your own well-being, they would also improve your relationships, career, friendships, and personal fulfillment. In short, they would be good for you and good for others.
The purpose of this chapter is to help you move towards the healthier end of the self-interest spectrum so that you can act on your own behalf. You’ll learn how to become your own advocate, skilled at taking care of yourself and meeting your own needs. Rather than making you a self-absorbed (or “bad”) person, you’ll discover that this allows you to actually be more loving, generous, and kind. You’ll end up being able to contribute more to your family, business, and greater community.
In fact, you’ll discover the surprising secret that being self-sacrificing doesn’t make you an altruistic, “good” person. It actually diminishes your energy over time, causes you pain, and thus hurts those close to you. If you are depleted and resentful, those you love receive less of you, even if you try to force yourself to show up and be nice. Ultimately, acting in your own healthy self-interest brings you back into balance, where you are taking care of your own needs, and not passively asking others to do that for you.
If you, like me, grew up with a million and one messages that told you advocating for yourself and not always putting others first is bad, selfish, and wrong, that’s OK. Some things in this chapter may stretch you, challenge your old ideas and programming, and push some buttons. I’m going to ask that you trust me even more and read these following pages with an open mind.
On the other side of the fear and the judgment is a freer, expressed, happy, fulfilled, and loving version of you. Let’s bring them out to play.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.
Rumi