The way out of niceness-induced rejection-land is to stop holding back. Everything you read in the previous chapters will naturally prepare you to do this. You’re already well on your way, and perhaps have already noticed being more bold and direct with those you are attracted to. This section serves as a reminder to keep doing so, and encouragement that it is especially important in your romantic life.
Holding back prevents attraction from ever forming. If we’re scared to make strong, direct contact with someone, then we have pretty much lost from the beginning. Even if we can talk with them, and even if we somehow exchange numbers and set up a date. It’s unlikely it will carry on for long because without strong contact, there’s no charge, not enough energy for both people to want to continue.
Do you have a clear sense of what I mean when I say “strong contact”? If you’re applying what you learned in the previous chapters, you’re already doing it. I’ll highlight a few of the key qualities as it relates to sexual attraction and romantic connection. It begins with your inner stance, which then determines how you stand, move, and look at others, and finally creates your words and actions.
The stance: I’m here. I’m aware of my body and I inhabit my body. I am solid and grounded and I know who I am. I know what I am after. I know what I like and what I don’t like. I’m OK with myself, and I like who I am. I’m not the best, and I don’t need to be the best. I’m me.
From this grounded place, we turn our attention to another. Who are you? I’m curious. What are you like? What are you really like? What’s beneath the persona or the mask?
When you come from this place, you tend to stand taller yet more relaxed. Your head is level instead of looking downwards. You make eye contact with people in general, and strong eye contact with those you’re speaking to. You can hold their gaze in a relaxed, steady manner. Your body moves in a more fluid, graceful, and natural way.
Your inner stance directs you away from looking to please and garner approval from whoever you’re with. Instead, you’re there to share who you are, enjoy yourself, and discover who this person in front of you is. This comes across non-verbally and in your energy. It also comes out directly in what you say and do. You’re better able to share what you actually think and feel. You can share what’s in your mind and heart. You ask what you really want to ask. You make comments, jokes, or silly responses. You’re expressive.
Here are some examples of what you might say to someone when making strong contact. I also include a brief description of how you might say it.
“Wow, you look amazing. I love the way your hair falls against your shoulders. It gives you this timeless beauty.”
(Looking straight into their eyes with a slight smile on your face, appreciating the beauty you see. Your tone is slow, measured, and not rushed at all. You are sharing something profound and letting it be so.)
“What? No way. Get outta here! There’s no way they’re going to win. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
(Loud, playful, boisterous. You are giving someone a hard time about their opinion, about their prediction. Your tone is light and invites discussion.)
“Wait, what happened when you got there? Did you just smile and pretend that everything was normal?”
(Interrupting their story to insert a question that deepens things. This shows curiosity and helps you get to know the person behind the mask. Your tone is open, curious, nonjudgmental.)
There are countless examples of how you might do this, and for each person it’s slightly different. Because it’s you being you. Fully and directly.
If you’re afraid of doing so, worried that the other person will not like you, then you have two options. You can choose to hold back, play nice, and try to be everything you think they want you to be. Or you can choose to step up, be real, and share who you really are. The first option is safety-and-comfort-zone-city and, in my experience, leads to pain and isolation. The second can feel like a risk because you might get rejected. In fact, you will get rejected at times along the way. But you’ll also be accepted, and deeply loved by the people you’re meant to connect with. You’re not looking for every man, or every woman to like you. You are looking for your man, or your woman. You are looking for your people. Remember: “I’m not for everybody.”