If there’s ever a time to not be nice, it’s during sex. Because nice sex is the worst. Well, maybe not the worst. I’m sure it can get much worse than nice. But nice sex is certainly not fun, engaging, hot, passionate, or memorable. It’s “nice, I guess.”
The fundamental misconception of nice that we’ve been unraveling this entire book comes back hard and strong when it comes to sex. We want to be considerate, attentive, giving, and good. We don’t want to be selfish, objectifying, or uncaring to our partner. And we think the way to do that is to be nice. But this makes us anxious, tense, closed off, performance-oriented, and looking to see if we’re doing a “good job” based on our partner’s approval. It sucks the joy out of the moment, puts us in our heads, and can even induce shame and self-judgment.
I’ve had my fair share of nice sex. In fact, that was my primary experience for many years. It starts with a high degree of focus on my partner. What does she want? Is she having a good time? Is this OK? Does she want this? Is this OK? Am I doing this right?
As with any situation, if we constantly question ourselves, we’ll start to feel doubtful and hesitant. Which I certainly did. But revealing that to her would make me appear insecure and like “less of a man,” thus ruining her attraction to me, or so I thought. So, I just put my game face on and continued, wondering if she was enjoying herself and if I was good enough.
Of course, when we’re having sex we are extremely close to another person, both literally and energetically. I’m sure these women could feel my nervous energy, which in turn may have lead them to feel a little more tense too. I then picked up on their tension, which lead to more questioning and doubt. Hot, right?
The problem is I was approaching sex from the self-denying end of the selfishness spectrum. I was completely focused on her because I thought that’s what a good man “should do.” To do otherwise was selfish, misogynistic, repulsive to women, and bad. But actually, as with all other areas of relationships, moving out of self-sacrifice and into healthy self-interest is good for everybody. By tuning into yourself more, you actually get out of your head and into your body. As you enjoy yourself more, you create more passion and energy that makes a better experience for your partner as well. Here are some tips on how to do this.
Tip 1: Talk
I didn’t know this for years, but it’s actually OK to talk during sex. What? Who knew? They never do that in movies. It all just works out seamlessly and passionately. They speak only with their eyes. Well for most of us, our eyes don’t cut it.
If you’re wondering if your partner likes something, ask them. “Does that feel good?” Wondering if you’re in the exact right place? Should you move your hand over or in a different way? Ask them!
This may seem so simple and obvious, but I literally did not do this for years. I thought I was supposed to become a super skilled ninja lover by reading books and random articles on the internet, instead of simply asking my partner what she liked.
You can ask during sex or afterwards. You can have conversations about it. You can also share what you like and want, and what you don’t like. No, that’s not being cruel or rude. That’s you being honest and giving your partner extremely useful feedback. If you want to be kind about it, you can say, “I like it when you do ___, instead of ____.” This clearly highlights your preferences without saying, “I hate it when you do ____, it feels terrible. I can’t possibly understand why you think that would feel good.”
The more you talk about this the more you build your confidence as a lover because you know you’re doing the exact kinds of things your partner likes. Then you can focus more on the pleasurable sensations in your body and feeling the pleasure in your partner. Thinking less and feeling more is a good approach to sex (and life).
In addition to asking questions, you can also talk about what’s happening in the moment. If you’re feeling self-conscious, or distracted, or troubled in some way, what if you didn’t have to hide that? What if you could share what was happening as it occurred?
For example:
“Hang on one second. I notice I’m feeling anxious and distracted and it’s pulling me out of the moment.”
“I feel self-conscious about the way my face looks as I get close to orgasm, I imagine it’s not relaxed or feminine enough.”
If you imagine doing that, how do you feel? Does that seem easy or hard? Is it terrifying? If so, why? Do you imagine your partner would roll their eyes in disgust and impatience, urging you to get over it and get on with it so they can just get off already? Is that really what they’d do? Because if so, that is important information. That doesn’t indicate a very high level of maturity and generosity.
Sex is not about having an orgasm and being done with it. It’ about connection. Physical, emotional, and deep spiritual connection. And if you’re struggling with something and trying to hide it, all of these forms of connection are blocked.
My wife and I have an understanding that it’s OK to talk about anything during sex. And, if we feel like the other person isn’t fully present, we can ask, “What’s happening for you?” I like to tease my wife because she will sometimes try to push something aside and not talk about. She thinks it’s “too heavy” or “not very sexy” to talk about while making love. However, the second she pushes aside the discomfort, I instantly feel it. Her body becomes tenser and her movements more mechanical. Her energy and life force are less permeable. She’s closed off, even if she’s trying to be present. In that moment I will ask, “What’s happening sweetie?” And after she tells me and we talk, everything opens back up and our energy is flowing freely once again.
Tip 2: Men: Do. Take. Own.
This tip is for the partner that embodies more masculine energy. In most relationships that’s the man, however in some cases this will be a woman (lesbian relationships, transgendered relationships, and some heterosexual couples as well). For the sake of ease, I will simply refer to this person as the man.
Do. Take. Own. While it’s good to ask what your partner likes and have conversations about sex, you must take this information and act on it. You must lead. Instead of pausing after each move to see if it was well received, and waiting for approval, just do. Take her. Own her. Deep down this is what she wants, this is what she craves.
I stopped myself from doing this for many years. I had the fear that this was bad, wrong, too forceful, unwanted, and aggressive. And so, I held back. But if you’re connected with her, you don’t have to worry about that. You’re in, you have permission, it’s OK. In fact, many women have a secret fantasy about “being taken” by a powerful man who loves and respects her. Let your primal animal emerge. Let the force that has propelled life for billions of years move through you. Grab her. Take her. Own her.
This un-self-conscious immersion in the experience transports both of you to a different place. It has nothing to do with ideas about what’s OK or not OK, what’s right or wrong. It’s just passion, energy, and raw power. It’s hot. Do it.
Tip 3: Women: Open. Release. Let Go.
On the flip side of the equation, women (or the more feminine partner) must open, release, and let go. This means letting go of worry, doubt, and fear. Letting go of any old story that you’re not good enough, or don’t look right. Letting go of the toxic notion that your breasts, or belly, or butt has to look a certain way to be worthy and attractive. These are poisonous images that we have taken in from toxic aspects of our culture. Don’t buy into them.
Your beauty comes from within. The freer and more open you are to express all of yourself, the more magnetically attractive you become. A woman who is free, flowing, full of emotion, feeling, and heart, fully exuding feminine energy will turn heads, no matter what her dress size is.
The more you can relax, let go of old stories and fears, and free yourself to be exactly as you are in the moment, the better sex you’ll enjoy. This may require taking action on Tip 1 and having some conversations during or after sex. It may involve doing some inner work to fully love and accept your body, just as it is, replacing judgment with gratitude. It may involve creating a deeper connection and better relationship so that you feel fully safe and free to open up.
Tip 4: Revel in The Beauty
Let yourself enjoy whatever you enjoy in your partner. As a man, I greatly enjoyed the physical beauty of the women I made love with. I loved their eyes and cheeks. The way their hair cascaded down their neck and back. The smoothness of their neck and shoulders. The shape of their waist and the groove in their low back. Their breasts and belly. I could go on…
And yet, I noticed I didn’t let myself fully enjoy this visual and sensual pleasure. I feared they would think I was objectifying them. Or that they may be self-conscious about a certain feature and feel uncomfortable if I were to look at it. And so, I would cast brief glances at their bodies while maintaining all my focus on their faces and eyes.
It wasn’t until I was with my wife Candace that I shared this insecurity. She was surprised and said it felt exciting when I looked at her and enjoyed her beauty. She said it made her feel sexy and turned her on. Go figure. Another inaccurate story that limited me for a decade.